Review of The Substance: Mike Nelson Has Seen This Movie Before

 

It's been a while since I did a review, but after seeing that horror movie that's MUCH more than skin deep known as The Substance, I had to say some things about it. 

Anyone who has seen it already know the irony of the above picture. Otherwise, SEE THIS MOVIE. It's got a lot to say about beauty and its false worth with Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley as (in a way) the same person.
Of course, it made a big splash recently in Cannes thanks to its story about Elizabeth Sparkle, a fading Hollywood star who's fired from her fitness TV show because she's 50. That's the reason an oily guy named Harvey (Dennis Quaid) gives, anyway.

Liz gets her hands on a black-market drug called "The Substance", which claims can make her a better and younger version of herself. It does, namely a woman named Sue. How she emerges is only the start of the horror. 
Are there drawbacks? You bet. The drug works if both Liz and Sue stick to switching bodies every seven days exactly. That means one is "hibernating" while the other is active. Sue fails to do that and Liz pays the price for it in gruesome ways. However, Liz also makes sure Sue pays a price. 

The second half is especially shocking about how both Liz and Sue (who, remember, are the same person) battle for power by abusing the drug. What the movie does to show this battle in horrifying ways will knock you for a loop, especially the last 20 minutes.
It's also notable there are NO sympathetic men in the film. It's like the movie exists in a world where Trump's in charge and sexual harassment is part of the Constitution. 

Of course, both Demi and Margaret really commit to their roles. It's Demi's best role of someone who's trying to maintain a life at a high cost. Margaret may be vapid thanks to her beauty, but it's not long before she realizes how easily her perfect life can end. If not for the fact that the Oscars are allergic to horror (with some exceptions), they should be up for awards.

I was especially surprised how far both actresses went in this movie. You get an extensive look on what they look like nude. For Demi, it shows her body is just fine no matter what Harvey says. For Margaret, showing her nude in her early scenes makes sense because Sue is literally born from Liz's spine. It takes her some time not only to be able to speak, but stabilize Liz while she is out of commission. Clothes, and stealing Liz's life, come later. 

A more impressive move is how the movie starts. An egg is injected with something, and eventually it becomes two eggs. That's followed with how Liz gets a star on the Walk of Fame but it ages and cracks along with her. It certainly gets the message across. 

So how come I said that "Mike Nelson has seen this movie before"? 
The story is actually familiar to anyone who saw The Leech Woman, the second episode from season eight of Mystery Science Theater 3000.This was about a woman who drinks to forget she isn't as young as she used to be. Thanks to a mysterious old woman, she discovers a rare flower from Africa that can make her young. Thing is, it has to be mixed with secretions from pineal glands for it to work.
So, it's a 1950's version of The Substance. Actually, it's a variation of the vampire theme, with the Leech Woman seeking glands instead of blood. 
Still, is it that far away from an aging woman using a dangerous drug to be young, resulting in side effects that will destroy her? 

The movie may not in theaters for long, thanks to upcoming competition from a Joker, other horror movies and the origin story of SNL. Still, seek out The Substance when you can.

Rifftrax Expects Us To Pay To See Point Break Riffed? Sure!

 

This movie has been a source for MST and Rifftrax riffs, featuring two movie heartthrobs from the 1990s. 
This week, Rifftrax took on the original 1991 version of Point Break, where Keanu Reeves as an FBI agent hopes to surf his way into breaking up a robbery gang led by Patrick Swayze.

Instead of broadcasting from Nashville, the Rifftrax gang did the show from the State Theater in Minneapolis, site of the MST reunion eight years ago. It was packed to the brim, and the crowd really enjoyed the story of how an ex-quarterback hoped to be Eliot Ness. While that may be interesting, Gary Busey steals this show as the hot-headed Pappas. John C. McGinley of Scrubs was also fun as a really stiff FBI supervisor.

The plot, of course, is about how Reeves, as Johnny Utah, takes on a gang of robbers known as the Ex-Presidents because of their masks. He finds out they're also surfers, and tries to infiltrate them. Using a waitress (Lori Petty) who happens to know one of the robbers, he first has to learn how to surf...and has to ask her to help out. He eventually meets Bodhi, played by Patrick Swayze. Utah gets sucked into the surfing culture, but still has to prove Bodhi is the bank robber.
The real fun is towards the end, when Bodhi figures out who Utah is, and forces the agent to be in one of the robberies. The chase scene with Reeves and Swayze is also classic. What other chase includes home invasions?
The ending is also a bit out there, where Bodhi begs to ride a special wave in Australia before he's carted away. It's kind of weird, but with two classic leading men, it's a fun cult classic.

It's fairly impressive that Rifftrax got their hands on this movie, which was directed by Kathryn Bigelow and was executive produced by her then-husband James Cameron. That's the power of Kickstarter, even though they also got Ladyhawke and Super Mario Brothers without it.

The riffs came fast and furious (is that movie next?), with some that were fairly topical. They remarked how odd it was that Keanu was cast as an FBI agent, but also mocked his and Swayze's movies. They still swooned a bit towards Swayze, considering he inspired a special Christmas carol.  

Now, it's riff time:

Pappas mocks Utah without seeing him...then meets him
No, I wanted the other excellent adventurer

The Ex-Presidents rob a bank
This is what presidential elections have become now

"Too much testosterone around here"
Opposite of a Maroon 5 concert

A surfer slugs Utah
That's for Johnny Mnemonic (four years later?)

Pappas points a gun and says "Speak into the microphone, squid brain"
That would be a great name for the Joe Rogan podcast

There were also riffs on Courtney Love, The Golden Girls, Capri Sun, Spirit Airlines and a certain Australian America is still trying to forget.

The live show is expected to be available to everyone sometime this fall, and should be a very popular feature. In the meantime, Rifftrax has some good features like a Bill Rebane movie (?), a disaster movie where people get sweaty before they die, and a rock and roll movie about a girl trying to get to the prom. See them at rifftrax.com

Real Housewives of Rifftrax Take On Bert I. Gordon's Idea of Noir

 

We've been a bit behind on a lot of things, mainly due to revisiting a Hellmouth and looking for a Slayer's house.

However, we are finally able to comment on Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl's third attempt to mock an old target of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Two years after Jan in the Pan, they're revisiting Tormented from 1960. This is Bert I. Gordon trying to spread his wings after doing movies about big spiders and bigger guys. It's his idea of a noir-mystery movie with his semi-special effects.  

It stars Richard Carlson (from Minnesota) who plays Tom Stewart, a jazz musician who's trying to get rid of a girlfriend to marry a rich young woman named Meg, He breaks the news to Vi (the ex) at a lighthouse. She refuses to cooperate, and threatens a lawsuit. Then she tumbles over a railing and hangs on with one hand. Tom decides to let her fall after a near-attempt to rescue her. 

Foe the rest of the movie, the ghost of Vi apparently haunts him, although his guilt is slowly driving him nuts, too. He's also bothered by Sandy, Meg's sister (played by Bert's daughter) and a blind landlord. 

Then some boat guy named Nick (played by Joe Turkel, who's had an impressive career) thinks Tom may have knocked off Vi, and blackmails him. Tom kills Nick, but there's a witness.

Usually, Bridget and Mary Jo have a soft spot for Carlson, but they said the young version of him is like an older Arnold Schwarzenegger. They jab on him a bit,  but they're more annoyed by Vi and how she torments him. Since he deliberately didn't save her, that tracks. They also don't know if it's horror or romance. Well, it's not.

Now, let's compare riffs between the two versions:

"Jodi Reding as Vi"
MST: as six?
Rifftrax:  She's missing an "e" and a "d"

"It's Sandy"
MST:  Your little conscience
Rifftrax:  I was cast as the annoying kid

Meg shows up at the lighthouse
MST:  My ten o'clock
Rifftrax:  Oh, thank goodness, a non-dead woman

Tom tries to move on from Vi's ghost
MST:  I'll make your life a living Hell, good night!
Rifftrax:  and that's how you break up with a ghost

"Tom Stewart killed me!"
MST:  Everybody, Tom Stewart killed me!
Rifftrax:  Nobody likes a braggart

Tom kills Nick, who wants to blackmail Tom, but they're not alone
MST:  Jim Henson's Witness Babies
Rifftrax:  Sandy's going to have quite the "What I Did Last Summer" essay 

Sandy confronts Tom
MST:  Sandy's back and she's pissed
Rifftrax:  Jessica Fletcher's Super Early Years

There's also riffs on The Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf, Ursula Andress, The She Creature and Die Hard.

Some of the Rifftrax riffs are similar to the original but Bridget comes with a doozy towards the end. Still, the MST version is better because it has more pop references. It also has a good running gag on "Sessions presents" albums, and Tom Servo's "I'm gonna kill me a girlfriend"

Both versions of Tormented are available at the Rifftrax website. 

I! AM! ANOTHER! RIFFTRAX! LIVE! EVENT! THAT! NEEDS! MONEY!

 

And here we go again. 
This week, Rifftrax started its annual pledge drive to fund the mocking of a cheesy movie.
This year, though, it's a REAL movie, with people we've heard of...even an Oscar winner.
What's next, Speed? Speed 2, maybe?
Hey, if they managed to get Ladyhawke a while ago...

The movie is Point Break, where a rookie FBI agent who used to be a college quarterback has to find bank robbers who wear masks and surf. The main plot is that Johnny admires (kinda) Bohdi, the leader of the gang, but has to arrest the guy. Naturally, it's been used as a riff on MST3K a few times, but it's a big get. You get massive amounts of Keanu Reeves, Gary Busey when he was coherent, and Patrick Dempsey. Also, it's directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who's a professional and an Oscar winner. That's almost unheard of in Rifftrax movies. It's the anti-RAD. 

There's also working hard to hit their goal of 350 thousand dollars, which should be reached fairly quickly. The gang will be on The Mads Are Back as the post-movie guests, almost like they're on late-night TV. It's also the first time since Jack-O that it's a taped event rather than a live show. They will have the show from the State Theater in Minneapolis two weeks before it's shown on August 8 and 13. It's still a minor point because a riff show is a riff show, live or not. 

Again, the gang should hit their goal before they're on TMAB, but the real fun happens afterwards. We get the offer of "ten shorts for a dollar" plus stretch goals. That means mp3s of big movies, but the fun is predicting which ones. Ten bucks says Wonka is next if not inevitable. Dune 2 may be too good to pass up. Madame Web may be another story.

Anyway, fans can contribute and get neat swag by going here. The deadline is April 8.

Rifftrax Proves It's No Mickey Mouse Operation

 

Who's the riffing trio that just mocked Steamboat Willie?
N-E-L-S-O-N, Bill, and Kev Murphy!

When the 1929 cartoon that put Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse on the map, "Steamboat Willie", fell into public domain just after New Year's Day, the mouse found himself in odd places. 
He was in an Adult Swim promo, a few video games, and plans for a horror movie just like Winnie the Pooh.
Then, out of the blue, Rifftrax decided to mock the short that led to amusement parks, animation. media dominance and singing teens with odd hats (more than once). 

It showed some respect but not too much. It's famous because it was the first sound cartoon, but it's basically gags you'd see in silent animation. One of the first reactions came from Bill:  "So, a century-old evil empire was based on this, huh?"

There was a lot of comments on how Mickey would play "Turkey in the Straw" and turn all the animals into instruments. That included a goat that ate a ukelele, followed by a pig, a cat and a goose. Mike described it as "what happens on a Disney cruise", which would get him to buy a ticket. 
There's also how Minnie is brought to the boat via a hook (with "sexy" results), and how Music Goat became so beloved.

There were also riffs on Dubuque, IA, Charlotte's Web, a certain Marvel movie and Bugs Bunny.

The big news is that Rifftrax saw an opportunity and took it. If they do this to other Disney shorts in the future ("Plane Crazy", for example), there's a chance it'll do that.

It's also getting attention from the new GrimTrax spinoff, featuring really depressing shorts. The first series includes a lonely old woman, a boy who dies yet no one cares (that's the real horror) and one on job safety that should be called "Have An Orgy With Danger". It's on the Rifftrax website.