In A Not-Too-Alternative Future, What If MST3K Still Existed?

As the revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000 revival  is poised to hit its first goal of $2 Million, let's take a look at what he said during his second update on Kickstarter:

If MST3K hadn't gotten canceled fifteen years ago, it’s possible we could have had 4 or 5 hosts by now, and it would be just like Doctor Who: even if you had "your Doctor," you'd still be able to appreciate the different flavors that each new Host or Mad or robot added to the show. It's part of what makes a show like Doctor Who or SNL last. I’m a Tom Baker fan myself, and no one is funnier than Dan Aykroyd. (To me.)

When I first left MST3K and Mike took over as host, some of you said you were done watching – not because he was bad, but because he was different. Then, once the shock wore off, a lot of you realized he brought something new and great to the job. Many of you even liked his episodes better! And when Kevin took over as Tom Servo, there was hate mail, but for many of you he became the definitive Servo! I could go on.

So yeah, we've been through this before, and I get it. Different can be scary, especially if you really loved the old seasons. But just think: if you had never given Mike or Kevin or Bill or Frank or Mary Jo a chance in their roles, you'd have almost 100 fewer episodes of MST3K to enjoy today. I'm not asking you to like the next cast better than the last one, but I hope you'll give them a chance, and see what they can do.

Then, when their time is up, I hope you'll give the next cast a chance too.

So, let’s speculate how (and maybe when)  there would have been changes of the guard at MST if it stayed on the air on SyFy.

It’s safe to say they’d never run out of bad films. We can assume real gems like Hideous Sun Demon, The Bermuda Triangle, Supersonic Man, ROTOR, Braniac, Rock and Roll Nightmare, Birdemic,  and Death Promise would have been experiments on the show.

First, how long would Mike Nelson stay on the Satellite of Love? Let’s say he stays until 2004, or about ten years aboard the ship. The Nanites are still busy maintaining the ship and keeping it up-to-date.

On the final episode of season 15, where they take on The Day The World Ended, Pearl tries to kill Mike because she’s got nothing better to do. Bobo and the Observer try to stop her, but she tries to kill them. So, the Observer uses his brain power that’s boosted thanks to his brain soaking in Red Bull. He zaps Mike to safety, or actually next to Nuveena. They spend the rest of their lives in that Designs for Dreaming short. It also blows up Observer's brain, so he's just a chalky-looking alien.  Pearl, though, is zapped into the Satellite of Love, which means she has to endure the bad movies Bobo and Observer give her.

MARY JO PEHL:  2004-2008

The picture is from the "Quest of the Delta Knights" episode.
During Pearl’s time, she’s angry at this new situation, and tries to find ways to take control of the SOL. Naturally, she’s very hostile towards Crow and Servo, but this changes in time, and they all try to plot against Bobo and Observer, It also looks like Bobo is the dominant mad scientist, while Observer slowly regains his intellect but not all of his powers.
This continues until she starts to feel strange. The bots claim she’s having conversations with her son Clayton, but only she is there. It turns out she absorbed Clayton when he was a star baby, and now Pearl starts looking like her son. At one point, Trace Beaulieu cameos as Pearl. Eventually, she has an extra head that looks like her son, and they actually riff in a segment in the season 19 finale. The two-headed Forrester, though, is able to take control of the SOL and land it. They and the bots chase after Bobo and Observer, and that’s the end.

Or is it? 

COLE AND JANET:  2008-2011

A couple, played by Rifftrax vets Cole Stratton and Janet Varney, go inside the SOL and accidentally launch it into space. Bobo and Observer get back, but don’t mention what happened to Pearl or the bots. However, Servo and Crow suddenly show up in the third episode, thinking Cole and Janet need a little help in the riffing (or the bots feel threatened). Bobo and Observer show the lousy movies because, mainly, it’s all they know. They do give Cole and Janet satellite TV and a modest salary in exchange for doing the experiments, and they readily agree because it sure beats getting a job. They also happen to be fans of movie mocking. There’s also romance, which really worries the bots because they’re afraid they may have to babysit eventually. 

There is a 20^th anniversary show, where they re-riff the first episode, The Crawling Eye. We find out Pearl got rid of the second head, and it’s being used for scientific experiments and displayed a la Futurama. As for her, a shadowy group keep her contained, fearing what she’ll do next. Actually, she’s back to her old self, but the group just likes to lock people away. The staff includes a guy who looks suspiciously like Dr. Ehrhardt, who says he never liked Pearl. The 20th season also includes cameos from Joel, and even Mike and Bridget, who’s had enough of their “Design for Dreaming”. They do mention they created something new called Rifftrax. The bots say it’ll never work…without them. Then Mike introduces the bots to Kevin and Bill. 

They continue until 2011 when that shadowy group is revealed as CORPS, which includes a soldier named Rikk.  It takes over and ends the experiment. Cole and Janet decide (or are forcefully encouraged) to join CORPS, while Bobo and the Observer are taken somewhere.  As for Crow and Servo, they’re turned off, and placed on a shelf. However, unknown hands take them, and the person says, “Don’t worry, I’ll take you to Joel. He’ll know what to do.” This is signaled as SyFy’s decision to close MST for good, but a massive social media campaign changes its mind, sort of.

RIKK WOLF:  2012-2015

They try a new version called “Cinematic Titanic” in 2012, but the pilot doesn’t work. So, since SyFy only has the rights to the title of the show, it tries something completely different: it changes the premise to a soldier trapped in a zombie invasion, and finding an abandoned movie theater. Yep, it’s Incognito Cinema Warriors with Rikk Wolf of CORPS, Johnny Cylon and Topsybot 5000. SyFy figures changing the show and adding an edge would create new interest. After all, if Comedy Central could continue The Man Show without  Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, then MST3K with new people would be the same thing, right?

Well, yes and no. The MST fans give Rikk and his bots a fair chance, but after two and a half years, and lots of cast changes and premise changes (especially who would be their nemesis), the show ends with the zombies breaking through. Some of them look familiar, like Joel, Mike, TV's Frank, the bots….and Pearl. However, they just wanted to go inside and see the movie.  Rikk, Cylon and Topsybot sneak out, but the theater is suddenly blown to pieces by a rogue CORPS squadron. Rikk joins them, and the show ends the way it began.

Suddenly a shadowy figure says, “For the past two and a half years, you had been watching a show that pretended to be Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mark my words, there will come a day where the true experiment will return. I am the new Dr. Forrester, and I will be your master, driving you insane through bad movies. It will work this time. I will not fail…ah, who am I kidding? Sharknado and that movie about a Werewolf Whale prove you can take anything. Some of you even made bad movies so you could mock them. Still, you want the real thing, and I will give it to you. Just be patient. I just need the right subject…and those bots.”

Then another shadowy figure appears, with a big box.
The screen goes black, but a hashtag appears:  #BringBacktheRealMST3K. 

So, that's how MST3K would have survived if there were plenty of TV executives who get it. Now, other fans would have had different ideas on who would have hosted after Mike Nelson, but I based my choices on Rifftrax and ICWXP. You're welcome to suggest who'd be better. 

Oh, and Joel has confirmed that Jonah Ray will likely be the next captain of the Satellite of Love now that three episodes are guaranteed. Apparently they met at the Nerdist podcast, and they talked about MST3K. Apparently Jonah won the job after he did an impression of Joel pretending to be him, and getting to know each other. Anyway, his TV name will be "Jonah Heston", and theoretically, this is what he'll be doing next year:

Hopefully,  he'll be part of the Turkey Day marathon next week. 

ICWXP: More Bad Shorts, New Eyes, and a New Villain (Update: and a new van!)

It's been nearly a year since we last heard from our heroes known as Incognito Cinema Warriors XP, otherwise known as life in the zombie apocalypse that's not in The Walking Dead.

While Rifftrax just mocks bad movies, and Cinematic Titanic heads towards the sunset, ICWXP reminds us that the host segments, the comedy in between the movies, are very important. That's how we see Rick Wolf, TopsyBot 5000, Johnny Cylon, and Flux Namtari deal with being trapped in a movie theater in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

The episodes are becoming more ambitious, too. When season 2 started, the DVDs ran only 45 minutes. This new DVD runs a whopping 90 minutes, not including extras. In the commentary track, Rikk says mixing a real story with movie mockery, as MST did in the SyFy days, makes it different.

In "Fahrenheit Cine-A-Sorrow", there's some changes, like TopsyBot getting a new head and the lobby getting a new candy counter. The zombies seem to communicate through long moans that are actually profound discussions about existence...or World War Z. However, there's something else, as shown below....



So who's behind all this? We'll get to that later.
Cylon is trying to make a documentary about life at the theater, and tries to set off an argument between Topsybot and Rick. What happens is childish yet compelling, and it's all too much for Topsybot. He goes into an electric stroke, and finds himself in the ultimate Hell: an Adam Sandler film festival. Actually, he got a new head, paid for by fans.
Then Cylon interrogates Birkin, one of the Ludovico lackeys strapped to a chair. There's a mysterious brownout, which gives Spencer, the other lackey, a chance to escape from being forced to see "Soapy the Germ Fighter" over and over again.

Afterwards, we have the first short, "The Haunted Mouth", where Colgate uses the evil voice of Cesar Romero to threaten kids about the dangers of plaque. Here's the first couple of minutes...



Plaque basically dares kids to brush their teeth every day, and in a disturbing fashion that makes Topsy say, "Brush your teeth like a bad girl."

During intermission, Birkin tries to get away, and Cylon tries to communicate with the head of Professor Zedikiah Logan, still a rotting head but now with a teddy bear. It's great they've found a new way to use Zed, who hasn't been seen since "Bloody Pit of Horror" back in 2009. It can only communicate through blinking, but not for long.

The second short talks about the wonders of coal-fired power plants, and how they make life in Ohio wonderful.



There's also riffs that have connections with MST3K. When a storm is brewing, threatening the power grid, Topsy says, "Diarrhea is like Lake Erie raging inside you." That sounds familiar to hardcore MSTies.  Then, when Rikk asks who Jam Handy is (yes, the Jam Handy that gave us "Hired!"), Cylon says he's "someone who gets mad fun of by robots a lot".

Afterwards, they get another brownout, and their mysterious friend, Bottomless Epiglottis, says it's due to a computer virus. It can fix the problem, but it needs the password....from Zed.
After some "negotiation" with Zed, plus a special device that's provided by the late great Dr. Blackwood, they fix the problem. In fact, it gives Zed a new voice, which helps him express a lot of anger through very long words.

However, that's not the end. There's a new set of villains called the Order of Mortis, a cult that wants to take over the theater and lead the world to a new beginning. They've already recruited the zombie that was captured at the start of the show.

So how do they think the theater will help them fulfill their mission? Well, you'll never know unless you get the next DVD, right?

"Fahrenheit Cine-A-Sorrow" includes shorts on the new fan-funded candy counter, Zed's new eye, and a tribute to the Dickinson 6, which was used as the exterior to Cine-A-Sorrow. There's also a feature on how Topsybot got a new head, and was told to thank the fans, individually, who helped pay for them, and a visit to the Transworld Halloween convention in Saint Louis.

As mentioned before, Rikk comments on the action. He had planned two scenes with Flux, and some others, but that didn't work out. He also says creating that cult was needed to develop a major villain for the show. His comments do go all over the place, from how Dexter ended to what could have ended season two of the show but won't. It shows he's devoted to this show and so should we. If there's anyone who deserves a $60 million Powerball ticket, or a cable network, to keep this franchise going, it's him. 

"Fun With Shorts" has a short on Thanksgiving in this DVD. Here's the link to it. This episode will keep you going through Halloween, Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving.
Finally, there are easter eggs in the second (light up the straw), third (popcorn kernel) and fourth (lemonhead) chapter menus.

You can order a copy of "Fahrenheit Cine-A-Sorrow" plus other episodes, through this link.

UPDATE:   Rikk and the boys wanted an old van that they'll turn into the zombie killing leviathan, the "Necrogon". They raised 1500 bucks towards that plan, and early Halloween afternoon, this was added to their website:

They'll need to get the van zombie-fighting ready, and meet other needs in the future. You can chip in by clicking here, and get additional rewards depending on the size of the donation. If the season finale is really going to be two hours, including a whole movie, it'll take a lot of green to get it going.

One more thing, I got Supersonic Man, one of the latest Rifftrax VOD offerings. I wanted to know how bad it is compared to, say, Puma Man. This movies makes Puma Man look like The Dark Knight.



It's a European Superman knockoff with a bland European guy who talks into his watch to be a super hero, an annoying drunk, and Cameron Mitchel (and the guy dubbing him) over-acting. It makes you really appreciate Donald Pleasence, or Krankor for that matter. That's despite a scene where Dr. Gulik (Mitchel) tells a kidnapped scientist, "Today is a great day for science", and Kevin Murphy riffs, "Big Bang Theory has been cancelled".  There's also a callback on The Room, and riffs on Windows 8, "western music", Dog the Bounty Hunter, Charlie Brown, Costco, Kickstarter, Michael Bay and the Wiggles.  Mike also turns Supersonic Man's awful theme into a nice jingle for a local shopping center. Good thing he didn't try it with the theme song from the Spanish version.

My Space Classics: Reviewing Incognito Cinema Warriors' 2nd DVD

Somewhere in the internet, I had a blog in MySpace. It's still barely active, thanks to my tweets and Facebook posts. It's about time I featured the best of that old blog, including some pre-Whedonopolis stuff. Enjoy!

From August 28, 2008:

When a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 decided to make his own version of the show, and promote it on the internet, he wasn't sure if anyone would buy it. After all, there have been some attempts to recreate the magic that is MST3K, but could someone actually succeed?
Well, Rikk Wolf, zombie hunter, has his answer...

These guys are good--fast-paced, funny riffing throughout. Now, fellahs, would you please stop making my job look easy!--Mike Nelson

This is not to say that Incognito Cinema Warriors has become the official heir apparent to the MST3K tradition. After all, Mike is still going strong with Rifftrax, while Joel Hodgson and his minions from MST3K have their own growing franchise in Cinematic Titanic. All that Rikk has proved is that he's the only "civilian" who is worthy.

AMEN!!!!!

So, with that in mind, let's celebrate the return of ICW (and about $@*^%! time) with Rikk's riffs on the racy and scary Italian horror film, Lady Frankenstein. For those who missed the first DVD, the idea is that Rikk is a zombie hunting soldier who's trapped in an abandoned movie house while swarms of zombies surround the place. Rikk is joined by TopsyBot 5000, which serves popcorn, and Johnny Cylon, who will deny to the death that Twiki from Buck Rogers is his grandfather. The two bots work at the theater for Dr. Harrison Blackwood, who presents movies so bad he takes precuations to keep customers from leaving. In this case, he forces Rikk and the bots to see his bad movies, or they'll be zombie chow.

Since the first DVD, Bride of the Gorilla, Rikk and his friends have cleaned up the joint, although they think they're mascots from cleaner commericals. Then, a dumpy looking non-zombie named Darrell enters the theater, looking for a place to crash. Rikk agrees, because he has his own problems, namely the next movie.
Just like before, he gets a trailer of "coming attractions", usually the next movie to be riffed. However, they've changed the seating arrangement to avoid from being too-MST-like. Rikk, TopsyBot and Cylon now sit in a balcony.

As Lady Frankenstein starts, one of the bots asks, "are we going to see a guy with bolts in his neck make us an offer we can't refuse?" Not really, but they do see once-prominent actor Joseph Cotton as Baron Frankenstein, a grave-robbing mad scientist who's trying to bring the dead back to life. His daughter, Tania, has just come back from medical school ("C'mere, you little mother's lie'). Since she's a surgeon, she wants to help in the experiments, although he's not too sure. ("Crimes against nature is boys' stuff') The Baron's assistant, Dr. Charles Marshall, doesn't mind.
After the town hangs a guy who looks like Patrick Swayze, the Baron works on using his parts to bring another man back to life. Against all odds, and despite a slightly damaged brain, he succeeds. The result looks creepier than tha cheesiest alien ("Jesus, look at the huge Martian coconut"). Not only that, the creature squeezes the Baron to death, much to the dismay of Tania.
Back in the theater, Darrell is so bad as a roommate, Rikk would prefer the Creature. Let's not talk about hygiene habits.

OK, so what about the dead mad scientist? Tania vows to carry on her father's work, with sexy results. The Creature, meanwhile, is out and about ("My creator has a first name, it's F-R-A-N-K....E-N..."), and sees two people having sex, one more naked than the other. The movie plays spoilsport, and blocks out the nudity in this and other scenes. It's quite a contrast to the start of "City Limits" on MST3K, where Joel used an umbrella to block out the brief nudity in the credits. Anyway, the creature grabs the nude woman, shakes her to death, and dumps her in the river. ("Smile, you're on Candid Camera, snuff film edition"). The undead prude does the same to one of the Baron's grave-robbing friends. This has attracted the attention of Captain Harris, played by Mickey Hargitay, the former Mr. Jayne Mansfield. He usually acts smug, suspecting people of doing blasphemous things.
Well, this movie certainly shows them, but not completely. Later in the film, Tania has married Charles, but wants to put his brain into a sexier body...Thomas, a simple-minded servant. To do that, we see something even worse than Ben Stiller was accused of doing when he made Tropic Thunder: she seduces Thomas while Charles watches, and Charles smothers Thomas with a pillow. This inspires an incredible riff from Rikk that I'd rather not repeat. You just have to hear it for yourself. They do make snide remarks about the cinematography ("Did someone release mustard gas?"), and speculate about Thomas' last words ("It was still worth it").

So, while Tania is Making Mr. Right (in more ways than one), the creature is still killing people if they're not having sex, while the townsfolk carry torches, looking to burn someone they don't like. We do get the ending where the mad scientist is punished for tampering in Hugh Hefner's, I mean God's, domain, but again it's with sexy results.

Even Rikk and his pals would agree that Lady Frankenstein is a movie with so much sex and violence (especially sex), MST wouldn't touch it, but ICWXP would. They're hard-core heavy metal, ECW in its original form, the grindhouse version of MST3000, and I salute them for that. This DVD is recommended for MST fans 17 and older.

As for the future, we'll get another Eurotrashy horror movie with Hargitay, and eventually The Hideous Sun Demon. We're also supposed to get a new character on the show. Let's just hope that episode three comes a lot sooner than episode two.

ICWXP: Rick Wolf is Legend

Vincent Price, Chuck Heston, Will Smith...kiss my last omega legend on Earth ass! Where's your Big Bad Apocalypse now?...Commander Rick Wolf

It's been a good week for fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000: the next DVD set with the Fugitive Alien movies and TV's Frank's farewell is coming this summer, Rifftrax finally released its live DVD of Jack the Giant Killer, and now Incognito Cinema Warriors XP has its first new DVD since November.

It establishes Flux Namtani as the new bot in town, while Rick Wolf decides that battling zombies to the death is preferable to seeing cigarettes square dance..or another talky horror flick. The series is now sort of traditional MST3K on steroids. That is, we see the gang deal with their post-apocalyptic world, while also enduring lame short subjects. Hopefully, they'll go back to even lamer feature films. The production values of the host segments is getting better thanks to fans chipping in through Kickstarter.

Before they get to the short, Topsybot 5000 and Johnny Cylon slowly get Flux unstuck in the 1980's, and update him about pop culture over the past 50 years (does this mean the show is set in the 2030's?). He is horrified to learn that since the '80s, vampires sparkle in the movies and zombies date. They also find out the Count from Sesame Street has gone metal, and uses the song "Bodies" to help kids learn to count ("Let the numbers hit the floor").

So how does Rick do in the outside world? Actually, it's disappointing: he only finds a Zombie Spock. However, it has an epic battle with one of the flying Ludivico spy cams that resembles, as one YouTube fan put it, Joe Cocker trying to bowl. I thought it looked more like CC Sabathia trying to pitch a possessed baseball.

Zombies or not, there are still short subjects to be riffed. So, the gang heads back to the Cine-a-Sorrow Theater for their latest torture, Soapy the Germ Fighter. It's a disturbing little movie about a boy who claims that having to be clean will make him a sissy instead of the macho cowboy he thinks he is. Through a dream, or a heroin nightmare according to Topsybot, he's taught the error of his ways by Soapy, a disturbing cake of soap with legs but no pants. It shows him several people who like to be clean, like a cowboy who tries to wash off "all that Indian blood". Strangely, it's the first movie to show a bucking bronco while the Nutcracker Suite is heard. To prove how much of an MST3K fan I am, I recognized a couple of the kids in the film as the same ones from a Rifftrax short about good eating habits.

Before that, the gang has to sit through some of those old ads that convince you to get some popcorn or corn dogs (made from cats) before the movie starts. This is what your grandparents had to suffer through before those "First Look" theater commercials were invented. Not only that, they see the famous "VD is for everybody" PSA, which makes Cylon shout "Natalie Portman, no!". That's followed by pop-up ads that not only appear out of nowhere but start arguing. I'm not kidding. It's, as Rick puts it, "a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich for the ages".

Then there's two major confrontations. One of them involves Ludivico lackeys expecting to cart the body of Rick away after he's supposedly dead after seeing a certain movie made by a Texas fertilizer salesman (yes, that one). Rick and the bots actually handle this problem very well. The other one battle involves...well....we'll just say there's a death scene you'll never forget.

The DVD has great special features. There's an audio commentary from Rikk Wolf and Nick Evans, who discuss everything from moving their offices to Kansas City to figuring out which software is better to make their weird puppet show. Another edition of "Ask a Cinema Warrior" answers questions about The Walking Dead, the chances of being on a TV network, and which movie they'd like to riff on if given the chance. There's also a blooper reel with behind-the scenes stuff, along with an unplugged version of the ICWXP theme, and a special Fun With Shorts feature from writer Josh Way. It's about Nick, the goofy teen from "What To Do On a Date" (the short from MST's Swamp Diamonds episode), and how he learns the "Benefits of Looking Ahead." Let's just say it saves him from eating an apple while living in in a burned-out building.

The new DVD is available at ICWXP.com. There's also other stuff like DVD's, the non-motion picture in comic book form, and stickers.

Note: Nelson's Liquor Mart, which was one of the ads shown on the show, was located in Tomahawk, Wisconsin. We're not sure if it's still open for business.

ICWXP The Comic Book...Where MST3K Has Not Gone Before

Sure, it seems like nearly TV show has a comic book, or tried to make one.
Buffy, Angel, Fringe, True Blood, CSI, even F-Troop (but that was back in the 1960s).

So why not have the Incognito Cinema Warriors do the comic book thing? It would boldly go where Mystery Science Theater 3000 never did, and what I wish Cinematic Titanic would do to explain their premise before they went only to live shows.
Anyway, ICWXP, the Non-Motion Picture explains what happened between the end of season one, where the Ludovico Corporation put Dr. Blackwood to pasture (or in it), to season two, where Rick Wolf had to be freed from the Ultimate Cinema Torture machine.

I received the digital version, but it's just as enjoyable as the portable paper version...especially since reading it on tablets or iPads is a more modern version.

Besides, this introduction by Wolf is reason enough to get the comic book:

"I am Commander Rick Wolf of CORPS, and once, a very long time ago...I WAS A HIGHLANDER!
Okay, not really....but damn I can rock a kilt."

Actually, it's Rick battling zombies outside the Cine-a-Sorrow Theater somewhere near Kansas City with his riffing robots TopsyBot 5000 and Johnny Cylon. While they do so, they get some nice riffs down on everything including movies in general, Steve Jobs, Butch and Sundance, and Resident Evil. They also ask the age-old question, "What would Danny Trejo do?"

The art, done by Wolf, is quite good. It's almost like seeing Rick, TopsyBot and Cylon live and usually covered in zombie blood. He also co-wrote the story with Bethanie Woods.

So, what could spoil the glorious moment for our heroes? None other than Kincaid, who sadly won't be part of season two. Hopefully the comic book will explain why, but it looks like he's decided to help our heroes so he can kill them twice. He's clearly the son Pearl Forrester cloned from herself just after Mystery Science Theater 3000 closed up shop.

It looks like in issue two Cylon is Rick's only hope, while TopsyBot is out of commission. Yet, if you got the first season two DVD, which featured a boring Victory Gardens short, you know the bots do survive and save Rick from the "luxury bedpan recliner".
But how? We'll find out in issue two, which may be made if enough people buy issue one. After all, the comics biz ain't too much different from TV. One poorly-selling title and you're gone, Jack!

Visit ICWXP.com to get your issue, plus their DVDs. They also have a new Kickstarter campaign to raise cash for new equipment. They're offering great premiums, including autographed posters and rare copies of the first DVD, Bride of the Gorilla, which looks a lot like the old MST.
So, check out Incognito Cinema Warriors XP, the Non-Motion Picture. It's Mike Nelson-approved. Really. It says so in the Lady Frankenstein DVD cover.

The Return of ICWXP: The Return of Rikk Wolf

Three years ago, heavy metal musician and MST3K fan Rikk Wolf decided, with a few friends, to make a little project where he was a zombie-fighting soldier trapped in a movie theatre with two weird looking robots. A mad scientist forces them to watch bad movies, mainly for fun. He admits it's cruel, and sounds vaguely familiar.
It was made into a DVD called Incognito Cinema Warriors XP, and it was sold on MySpace.
Little did he know that he would create an internet sensation, and something that MST fans have been craving for since the Satellite of Love went into TV history.

Now, after two years of weather disasters, technical difficulties, and depression that the Chiefs weren't what they used to be, Rikk is back with a new ICWXP movie. This time, Rikk, Johnny Cylon, Zed the Zombie Head and TopsyBot 5000 face new perils, including the most boring horror movie ever, and a new Big Bad.

Everything about it is new, starting with a live-action version of the old theme, complete with zombies who are looking for brains or a walk-on role in The Walking Dead. Rikk also recorded a new version of the theme, plus other scenes from episodes never shown including an homage to Dragon Ball.
After a sketch that mocks Starbucks, Rikk and the Bots see that Dr. Blackwood, their old nemesis, has been sent off. He's replaced by Special Agent Kincaid (Gregory Wyatt Tinnen), who is so evil he could clearly be Pearl Forrester's male clone. Anywho, he works for the Ludivico Corporation (who probably started this zombie apocalypse because it's so Resident Evil), and he decides to show bad movies more cruelly. He even has an evil smartphone that Pearl would envy.

We start with Ghost Rider, which isn't the Nicholas Cage movie, It's a safety film where a new kid learns about bus safety from a ghost. It's not bad, but it does drive Cylon to sing Jim Croce and TB5K to remark "The dead walk the earth and they want us to read bus safety pamphlets." It also ends with Topsy doing a killer Morgan Freeman.
Then the gang is startled by a famous Lucky Strike ad where cigarettes are square dancing. In fact, we got a lot of callbacks from the short and ad.

The main event: Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory, an 1961 Italian horror movie which is self-explanatory. After very sexy horror flicks like Lady Frankenstein and Bloody Pit of Horror (yes, even that Crimson Executioner guy), we get 87 minutes of droning talk between the characters about blackmail, gossip, funerals and zzzzzzzzzz, etc. We barely get three minutes of werewolf, and it's not even a good one. In fact, it's described as a "were-Michael C. Hall". We're supposed to wonder who the werewolf is: the Peter Lorre caretaker, the teacher who could be a young Frau Blucher, the handsome new teacher, an old guy who's having a near-affair with one of the students, his creepy wife, or maybe whoever came up with this movie. Rick and the gang have to muster all their strength to come up with some good riffs to keep from dozing off.

Some examples:

Opening titles show the "horror" of the monster: "It's the Satan Platypus!"
The new teacher shows up: "I think I'm going to live it here on Wicker Man Island."
Alfred goes home after talking to Mary, the student who's blackmailing him: "He's gonna lay low in Paul Lynde's house for a while."
The caretaker sneaks into the girls' bedroom: "Ben Roethlisberger, your wet dream is here."
When the real werewolf is revealed in a "plot swivel", he then attacks one of the students: "This makes me feel like a teen wolf again."

The host segments include Cylon and Topsy mocking Ghosthunters, with a surprise cameo, Topsy doing something so disturbing it excites Kincaid, and the worst surprise party ever. There's even a callback to the letters segment MST3K did way back when.
It's clearly a triumphant return to form for ICWXP. Sadly, it's also the last movie they're going to attack. They're switching to short subjects that could be even worse than any movie Nicholas Cage is in. But we're left wondering what is Kincaid's deal, where he got that evil smartphone, and whether Dr. Blackwood is gone.

Actually, we get a few clues in the extras: Rikk has a commentary on the host segments, and reveals a few tidbits on what's to come. He also includes a couple of music videos from his band At the Left Hand of God. There's a Q and A session with Rikk, Tinnen and Zach Legler (Cylon). They even answer a question I forgot I ever sent them. I do find out Rikk didn't start this show because he worked at an AMC theater. We also see how the bots were made, and a quick tour of the studio. It's more cramped than Best Brains in its early days, but it shows how damn good humor can spring from humble beginnings.

They have a new website at www.ICWXP.com, where you can get past DVDs, YouTube bits, including the new theme, links to Twitter and Facebook, apparel, and even a hint on what season one will be all about. I'm praying for Robo-Blackwood, personally, or maybe the zombies will make their own TV show about how they battle the hideous threat of the living, and call it The Walking Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnssssss.
Until then, pray for Rikk Wolf, Johnny Cylon, Zed and TopsyBot 5000..and for more adventures to come.
Maybe they can throw in their version of Alice from Resident Evil, or whoever Kate Beckinsale plays in Underworld, who helps them out because she is an even bigger MST3K fan.