Kinga's Revenge: MST3K's Christmas Gauntlet

In the not too distant future...maybe sometime before Christmas...

Kinga and Max want to get revenge on Jonah for locking them into that other theater he made for them after the Gauntlet, so they'd know what it's like to riff bad movies.
Sure, they were able to get out after an hour thanks to the Boneheads' safe-cracker skills, but were also surprised what movies were riffed. Then, they willingly saw all those movies while the tour was going on.
Sure, Max was a good riffer and Kinga learned she could do it, too.
Still, they're crazy movie tormentors, and they just had to strike back...especially her.

"Time for a little payback, Jonah," Kinga announces from Moon 13 to Jonah, Crow and Servo at the Satellite of Love one day in December. "Behold the CHRISTMAS GAUNTLET!!! Six examples of cinematic horror for the holidays, and there is no..."
"Wait," Jonah says, "we only have three Christmas movies in MST's history, four if you count 'Jack Frost'"
"Well, I don't," Kinga grunted. "It's a dumb winter Cinderella story."
Hands on hips, with hair bones sharper than her mind, she wonders how she can have a gauntlet with three movies.
Then Synthia shows up. "You know," she tells Kinga, "we could steal from the library of our arch enemies."
"Don't say the R word, I keep telling you that," Kinga yells. "I hate those guys over there, Nelson, his fat friends and chirpy wife, Granny Pearl working over there, too. OK, look over what they have, and give me a list. We've done that the past two years, so what's the difference?"
"Will do."
"I'll deck your halls with nightmare-filled boughs of horror, Heston. You'll pray for death via Yule Log!" You'll beg for Hallmark Channel movies! YOU'LL KNOW DEEP HOLIDAY HURTING!!!", as Kinga leaves laughing maniacally.
"Yes, Heston," Synthia says, "you'll suffer. Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...OK, she's gone."
Jonah is puzzled, "Synthia, whose side are you on?"
"My side, of course. I am Pearl 2.0, when I want to be."
"What are you saying?", Servo asks.
"Well, we'll give Kinga her Gauntlet, but you can help out. You know plenty about MST's history, and I know a lot about Rifftrax. We can come up with a list that'll please Evil Pebbles over there, but don't let on. We are still tour buddies, after all."
"Thanks, tour buddy," Crow says.
"OK," Synthia says, "but let's make sure it seems evil"
"That may not be a problem," Jonah says. "I think Rifftrax has holiday movies about as creepy as the ones we've seen."

With that, Kinga got two Gauntlets, the one she gave Jonah, Crow and Servo, and the second one after the first one didn't cause enough harm.

1. Santa Claus (MST Version)

This was the first exposure for most to a Mexican movie that features Santa, who doesn't play a big part in the holiday season down there. Still, it's an odd look on how he prepares for Christmas Eve with kids instead of elves, and his showdown with Pitch, a devil that's a bit too greasy. Santa hopes to bring a doll to a poor little girl, and teach the parents of a rich boy that Christmas should include their son. The host segments include a nice holiday song, the famous JOIKE sweater and a family reunion that doesn't work out

2. Rifftrax Christmas Shorts-stravaganza

This holiday treat from 2009 was the first big theater event that led to its ten-year run of riffing movies nationwide. It includes some strange holiday shorts, including Christmas from the point of view of the tree, and a pre-Rankin/Bass version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This includes Kevin's famous flub that derailed the riff and made it better.

3. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, Rifftrax (Thumbelina version)

If there's a holiday version of Manos, this is it. We see elves singing while making toys, blissfully unaware Santa's stranded on a hot Florida beach because his reindeer flew away. It's hard to say which is more absurd: his song about his plight, or what the kids try to do to get him off the ground.
Then he stops to tell the story of Thumbelina, as dramatized at a long-forgotten amusement park called Pirates World. This was made by Barry Mahon, who also made some racy movies along with "Rocket Attack USA" (riffed on MST in 1990).
After the story, Santa gets rescued by the not-at-all known Ice Cream Bunny, complete with fire engine. Part of its route is, of course, Pirates World. Santa's Christmas is saved, which may explain why his sleigh disappears at the end. By this time, so has the audience.

4. Christmas That Almost Wasn't (MST3K, 2017)

Of course, the current series should be represented. It's about Santa facing homelessness because he can't pay the rent, and his landlord, Mr. Prune, is meaner than Scrooge. Santa actually has to get a job being, well, himself at a department store, but Prune rigs it so Santa will be without a home. A bunch of kids save the day by stealing the ending of another holiday movie.
The host segments include Kinga being about as un-cheery as you can get. Santa does show up (although he looks suspiciously like Joel Hodgson).

5. Santa's Village of Madness  (Rifftrax, 2014)

This trio of shorts features a bunch of animal mascots who supposedly live with Santa on the North Pole. They were actually part of K. Gordon Murray's kid's movies back in the 1960's. There's a slight connection with the Santa Claus movie Murray imported to the USA.
What's interesting about the shorts is that they have the exact same opening credits. Only the titles are different, if not the plots. They were actually made at Santa's Village parks in the Midwest and Califonia. The third short is maybe the strangest, because the "writers" decided at the last minute to threaten Santa with an ogre that's off-camera. Its defeat is also off-camera but the closing song would have also defeated the ogre because it is THAT painful to hear.

6. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (MST3K)

The one, the only, the original. As Santa preps for his Christmas ride, some people from Mars want to kidnap him because apparently Christmas cheer is needed there, too, Two kids from Earth get involved, of course, along with a goofy comedy relief named Droppo.
However, it's the host segments that make it a classic, including "Patrick Swayze Christmas"and Joel and the Bots reading essays about Christmas and Gypsy getting the true meaning without a word.

After this Gauntlet dented but didn't defeat Jonah and the Bots, Kinga is about to give them Hallmark Channel movies. However, she's interrupted by a big hulking guy in chains.
"Oh, no, Marley's Ghost has come to....wait, I don't know anyone named Marley," she says. "Donna, is this one of yours?"
"Sorry," Dr. Donna St. Phibes says. "He's Murray from 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die.' You  know, the guy Dr. Cortner was building in his transplant experiments."
"Yes, I remember," Kinga says, "I notice his face is still tied to the back."
"Well, I think he wanted to scare you after seeing the Christmas Carol movie with Alistair Sim."
"Murray also sorry," Murray says (yeah, he can talk now after more than 50 years). "Murray wonders what Kinga got against those guys."
"Hey, it's what I do. Take him away, Donna," Kinga says. "He's the man in your life, not who I suspect you want."
"Oh, what do you mean?", Donna says, obviously being cagey. She leaves, but Kinga seems to hear something from Murray that hints he may be playing dumb, too.
"Well, it seems you're familiar with these movies," Kinga says to Jonah. "So here's another Gauntlet for you guys. I can guarantee you a couple of these selections will give you slightly deep hurting. Some of the others are alternate versions of what you just saw."

The second gauntlet begins with...

1. Santa Claus (Rifftrax Live version)

Kinga thinks Jonah and the bots get an extra jab by showing them the uncut movie, which includes more of Lupita's dream where some Raggedy Anitas try to tempt her into stealing a doll, and a lot of padding that's mainly Merlin trying to walk across the room.
It's preceded by one of those "At Your Fingertips" shorts, where this time kids are advises to mold sugar into many shapes. Basic Diabetes bombs.

2. Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas (Rifftrax)

Kinga wasn't eager to give the guys this selection, but she hopes the shorts will do some damage. Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl celebrate the holidays in their own special way with holiday images. The first one features a Castle Films version of "Scrooge"with Alistair Sim, Dean Martin singing, and "The Little Lamb" and how it gave Jesus his first gift.
The second version has a short about carving turkey that includes Harvey Korman plus some commercials and home movies given to them from a prop maker named Beez

3. I Believe In Santa Claus (Rifftrax)

When Kinga discovered this 1984 film from France (thanks to Synthia's "help"), she was certain it would be worse than Christmas That Almost Wasn't. She's right, because it's about a young boy who wants his parents to be with him at Christmas. One problem: they've been kidnapped by African terrorists, and the government isn't eager to get them back.
Thanks to the fool-proof method of wishing really hard, the boy along with a young girl wind up in Finland to ask Santa to save them. He also gets a Christmas fairy named Mary Ellen to help him, and she looks suspiciously like the boy's teacher. Santa and Mary Ellen transport themselves to Africa, and they look totally ridiculous in the desert.
Since this is a holiday movie, of course the boy and his family are reunited.

4. Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey (Rifftrax)

So how did Rifftrax get this holiday special that Kinga is certain she saw when she was young?
Well, it's kind of a variation of the Rudolph story, except it stars a donkey who had very long ears but they come in handy when it helps Mary and Joseph get to Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus. The song was co-written by Gene Autry a couple of years before (same guy who sung "Rudolph"). It aired on ABC back in the '70s and '80s but clips of it can be found in YouTube. You can find it on DVD.
The reason why it may not be seen on TV is because it's kind of dark in the first half, since Nestor is mainly on his own in his journey.

5. Rifftrax Christmas Circus

This was an easy choice for Kinga, after taking one look at Whizzo, the star of the holiday special. It's a filmed version of the TV show he had in the 60's in Kansas City. Rather than try to describe the movie, which somehow involves a magic carpet and a time machine, here's a review.
It's preceded with a short about the short life of Christmas trees, and they have faces!

6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Cinematic Titanic)

This is where Kinga starts to suspect she's been tricked by Synthia, who suggested this last movie.
Kinga isn't happy to see Mary Jo riffing in this movie, or Trace and Frank either. She wonders if it's really Pearl, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank under assumed names. She's also puzzled seeing Dr. Erhardt there, too.
Still, she sends this movie to Jonah, figuring showing him this movie twice, but with different riffs, could throw him off. It doesn't.

When both gauntlets are done, Kinga fumes at Synthia.
"I should have known you would turn against me, Synthia," she says.
"Hey, I'm a clone of Pearl," she says," What did you expect?"
"Working with Jonah, too? C'mon"
"Well, these gauntlets don't really work because fans did these things when we weren't around.
Face it, Kinga, you can keep this experiment going, Netflix willing, but it won't be like the old days."
"Yeah, Synth?", Kinga says, "Tell that to some of the viewers from the old days. I am glad the newbies like us fine."
"Just hope Netflix will still want us, if not Daredevil."
"Well, better Netflix than....that third-rate David Blaine who made a fool of me"
"I know. Merry Christmas."

Kinga calls Jonah, scowls at him for a minute and yells, "BAH HUMBUG!"
"Hey, I apologize for surviving the gauntlets."
"You should! Stay away from Donna, too. She's bad news...for someone.....and....well, I should still say this, Merry Christmas, guys."
"Thank you," Jonah says."Merry Christmas to you too."
"Just remember, you're not getting a happy new year from me. After all, there's always movie sign...
I hope"
After that, she pushed the button.

MST3K Live In San Francisco: It's the Brain Game

Waiting 18 months for a new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 is tedious, waiting almost that long to see Joel and Jonah up close and personal was tough, too.

Finally, I got to the Warfield for my first visit to San Francisco in five years. Lots have changed, and the sidewalk feces problem wasn't that bad. Actually, I was surprised the lower level was just chairs and the upper section all plush seats. Also, where else can you see this in the ceiling:

Dressed as Dr. Erhardt (remember him?), I was at the pre-show Q and A where people asked Joel about his favorite episode, and how mocking movies turned out to be a gold mine. I asked how he compared doing a tour than one-night stands from the Cinematic Titanic days.He said the MST shows are more complex, and it took a while to get it right. Jonah joined in and admitted he was a Fruity Pebbles fan.

The structure of the show was different, too, Without having Kinga and Max to mock Jonah, Crow and Servo from the Moon (something about meeting their price), Synthia  could do anything she wanted, and it made for an interesting show. They threw in some local jokes about traffic and the Mayor. They also had to "drive in" through something that was not Phil Coulson's Lola.

After Jonah had his invention, which was a stink cannon that fired flawless smoke rings:

Synthia turned the experiment into a game show. Maybe Kinga has no idea how the live show is coming along. Then again, she has her own game show for Jonah called
"Season 12: The Gauntlet" around Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be surprised if  Syn pushes Kinga out eventually, but shows she isn't an exact clone of Pearl.

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Anyway, the movie was The Brain, which is about a brain that came from...somewhere...hoping to control all of mankind with the help of a guy who's not Phil Donahue. The only hope is some prankster who's somewhere between John Travolta and John Stamos, and relies on his girlfriend to do his homework. It doesn't help that there's lot of deaths, and Jim gets accused of all of them thanks to the Brain hypnotizing the town with little effort.  The full version is on YouTube, but the MST version doesn't include bare breasts and the more gory deaths.

As shown here, it starts with only Jonah and Joel riffing. Eventually, The gang was split between Team Red (Joel and Servo) and Team Yellow (Jonah and Crow) and they competed for points. For the record, Joel won, but it's likely the results differed depending on the venue. It's a great idea to vary the experiment, even if it's only for live shows. The point is, the public wants the best in vindictive movie commentary. This show delivered.

Here's a very good picture of the gang...

and the first official look at Dr. Donna St. Phibes (any takers she's a frantic frenemy of Kinga's back in Evil Scientist School?). Apparently her specialty is caring for B-movie monsters, like this one.

She was also a close friend of Jan in the Pan from "Brain That Wouldn't Die".

Dr. Donna was a big hit with the crowd, especially when she let the Brain  possess her so it could tell its side of the movie. Sadly, it didn't explain how it was born.
One thing's for sure, she looks like she's about to take the most evil free-throw.

As we said, the riffing style was done differently, probably after re-tooling the show throughout the tour. At one point, they had to riff sound effects. That's why the bots said "Bang" a lot when the cop tried to arrest Jim the Joker and his girlfriend Janet but kept aiming his gun at them while he handcuffed them. They also had to come up with names of perfumes Chanel and Calvin Klein would never make, like "Corridor" or "Tight Squeeze."

Some of the more interesting riffs...

A woman watches "Independent Thinking", the show the Brain uses for world conquest
Oh, they cast the new Roseanne

Jim arrives to school in his car
Why is the new kid driving Christine?

Some creepy male nurse named Varna shows up
Rowsdower?

The teens are chased by everyone at the complex where the Brain is, and leave via a very small door.
Narnia was crazy this time.

Jim has to come back to save Janet (of course) and they're still trying to avoid the Brain
The ultimate relationship test:  Ikea.

There are also riffs on Billy Idol, SNL, Molly Ringwald, SCTV and Soylent Green. There is also one late riff that wraps up the movie perfectly.

Finally, the full cast...

It's a pity the live shows aren't taped. It was great seeing the past and the present get together to keep the MST3K saga going. Hopefully, Netflix will fork over more bucks for future live shows, and maybe Kinga and Max will come in person to take over the live show...or maybe it takes THEM over?

Until then, fans will see if showing Jonah and his bots six lousy movies in a row will drive them nuts..or drive Kinga and Max nuts because they don't get the results they expect.
We'll find out November 22nd on Netflix.
By the way, it's the same day Kurt Russell is Santa Claus in another Netflix show. He can wait, but see that guy, too.

Kiss Our Gunt! Rifftrax Is Ready For Lame Video Movie

I have a lot of Rifftrax riffs that are "just the jokes" of major movies. In most cases, I have the movies that go along with them, especially Star Wars, the Deathly Hallows movies and the two Jurassic Park movies that came close to being good.

However, I decided to rent Ready Player One after getting the riff for it. From the start, I was aware Mike, Kevin and Bill would rip this movie apart because of the famous 372 Pages I Will Never Get Back podcast.

Sure enough, they really went to town, and maybe they have a point. It doesn't help that the CGI versions of Parzival and Art3mis are much more interesting that who they really are, two teens named Wade and Samantha.

The plot, of course, is millions of people getting lost in a virtual world called the Oasis to avoid reality. This is especially necessary for Wade, who lives in a stacked mobile home park in Columbus, OH about 20 years in the future.
Then comes news of a contest where people have to find three magic keys that will get the winner about half a billion dollars in video game stock and control of the Oasis. This also get the attention of Sorrento, an evil billionaire played by Orson Krennick, er, Ben Mendelsohn. He has a ton of people working to get the keys so he doesn't have to. Kinda like Veruca Salt, and we know what happened to her in a nice musical number from the real Willy Wonka movie.

From there, it's a lame version of Kingdom Hearts with occasional trips back to a reality that's a bummer.

The final scene is a cute version of the Battle of the Bastards from Game of Thrones, followed by a  weird finale that rips off Willy Wonka,
Also, it must be said that Oscar winner Mark Ryland does a great job as a video game genius who wound up like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High who got wasted a few times too many. It's amazing considering he also played a Russian spy who was a bit too calm in Bridge of Spies.
Also, I was stunned a certain actor was in this, who made a good old guy. Thank goodness he's done better stuff elsewhere.

OK, riff time:

Parzival discovers he has to travel backwards to get the first key because "Bill and Ted did it."
That's it! I've got to kill Alex Winter

He talks about his new suit having a "microfiber crotch inlay"
Microfiber Crotch Inlay would have been a better name for this movie.

Some virtual goons from IOI (Sorrento's company) storm the virtual night club where Parzival and Art3mis are dancing
This is downright Orwellian...if Orwell was a complete dumbass.

The real teens behind the avatars, Wade and Samantha, aren't exactly Tracy and Hepburn
Dukakis in his tank had more chemistry than these two.

Chucky shows up as an avatar. Yes, that Chucky
Seth Green? How can he help?

As usual, they squeeze in a joke on Nick Nolte, but also fire riffs on Jewel, Zach Synder, driving in Boston, Air Supply, Short Round and Colecovision....to name just a few.

The riff is available at the website at rifftrax.com

Stuffing or Potatoes? Nope! Feast on New MST3K Instead

Good news! Jonah Heston survived the "wedding" that ended season eleven of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
After that, his fate is up in the air.

Netflix FINALLY revealed the show will have six new episodes on Thanksgiving, November 22nd, instead of the usual Friday release.

It was done because the show started on Thanksgiving 1988, so it was the perfect exception.
The start of season 12 will be the first fresh episode since April 14, 2017, or about 18 months. It's the longest period between shows since Comedy Central dumped the show in May 1996 and SyFy brought it back eight months later.
This also means the new six-pack will be unveiled after the live tour, which starts in less than two weeks and will run until just before the holidays.

The previous season ended when Kinga tried to "marry" Jonah just for the ratings. He hesitates, figuring he may not survive the reception. Actually, Max made a new friend by suddenly finding a metallic Reptilicus, and tells it to eat Jonah. She thinks Jonah was killed, but apparently only for a little while. Jonah does survive, but Kinga decides he must die (or suffer) via exposure to cheesy movies, the worst she can find (la-la-la).
The only question is how Max is not killed by Kinga over this. At least Clayton needed Frank as a friend/victim, and she doesn't see Max that way....but should. It's certain the Boneheads wouldn't put up with this.
We'll also see if Synthia has "matured" after being Pearl's clone for a while, There are signs in the comic book that she has.

Some photos were unveiled by the AV Club, which broke the news:

There's also this picture where Jonah confronts Kinga and Max, which is unheard of compared to the old days.

It seems to be set just after "At The Earth's Core", but it's safe to say while Jonah gets the drop on the Mads and their Boneheads, the bad guys'll figure out how to keep the experiment going. At least Waverly is rebuilt and he'll have a new friend.
Still, why a band? Will they take on "Don't Knock the Rock" or something like that?

The great thing is that fans can decide how long the annual Turkey Day marathon can last. It can be ten hours as it was at Shout Factory's website or YouTube in previous years, or four days if the NFL games are actually must-see. It's best to see the episodes in order, then maybe mix them up later. As Joel said at the Revival League podcast, he'll start the season with his second-best joke and finish it with his best joke, as stand-ups do.

Hopefully, the show will have a six-pack of cinematic sludge every six months, and ease eager fans.
Of course, MST fans have satisfied their bad movie heckling need thanks to Rifftrax. Wouldn't it be a good idea for Kinga to "wage war" with Rifftrax, but nothing comes of it for a while? Since "Pearl" is with Rifftrax now, at least we should have that.

Until then, the tradition resumes in the not too distant future, Thanksgiving A-D.

UPDATE:  Joel Hodgson just announced Shout Factory's annual MST3K Thanksgiving Marathon will be held on November 18, which is the final night of the live tour in Minneapolis. As usual, it'll have six classic shows.

Krull Isn't Dull Thanks To Rifftrax

It's a pity that this summer's Rifftrax Live series was so short at two movies. After taking a second look at an MST3k fan favorite in Space Mutiny, the gang took on a cheesy sci-fi fantasy from 1983 called Krull over the weekend.
They're still not sure if Krull is the planet, the "hero", an old man or even a transparent spider.

The gang of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett are sure the movie gave Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane their big breaks in the movies, and that's something. The crew did a wonderful job with sharp riffs that kept this movie from getting too dull.

The story is about Colwyn and Lyssa, a prince and princess who are about to marry to unite their kingdoms. However, they're interrupted by a spaceship/evil castle/very big piece of driftwood. Lyssa is kidnapped by some weird looking alien called The Beast, and Colwyn the Boy King (or is it King Boy) spends the rest of the movie trying to save her,
It's a pity Lyssa, played by Lysette Anthony, is incredibly boring. She has three modes: anticipating marriage, running around aimlessly and staring into space.
It also doesn't help that she's dubbed by Lindsay Crouse, who's a much better actress.

Still, Colwyn needs a goal, and it's Princess Dull. He gets help from an old guy named Ynyr, an incompetent magician who gets lucky once, a bunch of unkempt bandits that include Neeson and Coltrane, a blind wizard, a Cyclops, alien Clydesdales, and a woman who lives in a web. She's played by Masterpiece Theater fave Francesca Annis. The only reason she's helping is that her name is the same as Princess Barbie Dull, and she should have been the main princess instead, really.

The logo of the movie is a glaive Colwyn finds in a river of hot Hawaiian Punch concentrate after climbing rocks for 20 minutes. He doesn't use it until the third act when he's battling the Beast...and the weapon that finally works is something else completely. Wha?

The Big Bad isn't that much better. We only see certain ugly parts until it's revealed he's (as the RT gang says) a tumor that gave birth to a Muppet. Sure, Colwyn had to kill it twice, but it's still a lame villain.

Anyway, let's get to the riffs. Some of them will include photos.

The Beast's Slayers attack the wedding
They accidentally hired a Red Wedding planner

Colwyn doesn't seem like a swashbuckler, or a King Boy.

Nothing says "action hero" like striped clowny pants

Coltrane looks like a Super Mario Brother, but Bill has another idea:

Bears, Polish Sausage, Ditka

The Beast tries to "seduce" Lyssa while looking like an evil Richard Chamberlain and showing what a two-timer Colwyn isn't...

Beast:  Lyssa....
Mike Nelson:  You're tearing me apart. (just think about that for a minute)

That's after it tries to put a wedding dress on her

Invisible Pope! Run!

Ynyr, the old guy, talks about the Widow of the Web

"She has great powers"
"Yeah, to kill"
"She may not kill me, for I know her name"
DEBBIE! (What, not Oprah or the Divine Miss M?)

They make fun of Neeson's movies, of course, especially when his character's dying words are that he never go to work with Jake Lloyd (look it up). There's also traditional callbacks to Golden Corral, Michael Vick and TLC, and riffs about Thai soccer players, Beauty and the Beast and Marilyn Manson.

While the live season is done, Rifftrax fans are looking forward to riffs on Ready Player One and Solo: A Star Wars Story. The riff for Krull should be available around Thanksgiving, while the movie itself is readily available. Mike Nelson also has a song about Krull that gives a fairly decent summary of the plot, but it's not like hearing the gang scowl at the movie itself.

Choose your riff at the website.