After 34 Years, Have We Outgrown MST3K? HELL NO! Why the Season 14 Campaign Didn't Work

 

It's done.
The Season 14 Fundraiser hoped to get at least four million dollars for six episodes.
It fell short by one point three million.
So what does it mean?

Combing through Facebook and the MST message board, it's several reasons. Some aren't charmed by the revival. Some are still upset it took so long to get the swag from the Season 13 fundraiser. Some just didn't have the money right now. Some people thought it was about time the Gizmoplex funded itself, but cash from Pluto and Tubi aren't quite enough.

One of the more interesting takes came from the November 21st edition of the True Blue Riffcast, which reviews VODs and other things from Rifftrax. This was taped during the first day of the fundraiser, before the site added a running total. Before they razzed the TV version of Samson and Delilah, the hosts wondered why episodes for season 14 would average 616 to 667 thousand dollars apiece. 

First, let's make it clear the hosts are not fans of the revival, although they gave it a try. That's fine, since there are people who think the real MST lasted until 1999. Others think Doctor Who in the 21st Century isn't as good as the old days. 

Now, some clarity: if the fundraiser did hit four million, it would pay for six movies, six shorts and 18 "improved" classic episodes. So, an episode would have been closer to maybe 500 thousand, followed by maybe 90 thousand for a short and the rest for the classic episodes.

This was also before Joel sent an update which listed how the money was being spent, and revealed plans to go back to physical sets. Also, this was before he came up with some cost-cutting measures to make a new season easier to get.

The True Blue hosts also claim the MST audience is getting older, and that the show isn't as much of a cultural impact as it was in the early days.
Well, the original Mads are picking up a lot of business with its monthly shows, while Rifftrax is going strong. So, people want more of the original source for sarcastic movie opinions. 
It's likely after the fundraiser, the True Blue guys have a better idea of what it's all about. They might still believe new MST3K will never be as good as those episodes from Times Past. 
The Season 14 fundraiser just didn't work due to a perfect storm of bad timing, and let's not forget the SAG-AFTRA strike held back promotion.

So, what can be done?
Joel said this past weekend he isn't giving up. In his latest e-mail, he said "(one) silver lining is that the continued support for this campaign, and the show, may have opened up some new conversations about potential partnerships and fundraising that could be key in getting the show another season." 

So, it could be part fund-raiser with the rest funded by someone. Asking Shout! Factory to cover half the cost could work.
Also, it helps we know what the first six movies will be, including Plan Nine and Battle Beyond the Stars.
If there is a guarantee we'll have Gauntlet II with just those movies, that'll help. Also, instead of six movies in one day, have them run daily over a week. Disney Plus is doing that with the second season of What If...?

Next, how do we handle Gauntlet II? Kinga would recapture Joel, Emily and (maybe) Joel, then impose the ultimate punishment. Yeah, Plan Nine From Outer Space. She'll expect them to be driven to madness, but my guess is they'll express distain but that's it. It could be set up where Jonah suffers through a reel, followed by Emily.
Then, Kinga will wonder why the test cases don't become comatose husks. She and Max take over for Jonah, the two Synthias for Emily. Then they know why.

After that, Joel gets a movie, and Jonah and Emily split the rest.

What about Pearl? Maybe keep her "missing" while she's at Dumb Industries and Rifftrax, then spring her out of the blue when season 15 is approved.

Just try again, maybe in March.

We will have a season 14 somehow.

Time For Fund Another Season of MST3K

 

Last Christmas, we gave MST our heart
But Joel, Emily and Jonah (and Pearl) all ran away
This year, they expect us to pay
For just one more season, season, season.

Just one more? NO WAY!
We'll shut up and keep paying for this, especially if we get value.
OK, of course, they'll all come back somehow like the guy who tried to escape from Squid Game, and it's back to cheesy movies, the worst we can find, etc.
My hopes are that MegaSynthia gets a lot more coherent (like Synthia did), and we find out Cabal is a fraud but points out his ideas did work.
Oh, and he shoves Kinga and Max into the theater for a reel, and turns out they're a little too good at this riffing thing. 

This time, Joel and company will forsake Kickstarter and do it themselves. It started the week before Halloween, and will run until the day after Thanksgiving. It's a good choice of dates. 
As usual, the more people contribute, the more shows they make. The minimum goal is $4.2 million, which means six movies, six shorts and 18 restored episodes. The maximum is $7.4 million which gets 12 movies, 12 shorts and 36 (!) restored episodes. Maybe by then they can come up with a way to keep The Final Sacrifice available to all

Here's a video to explain more:

The perks are also available, especially knit caps, pins and t-shirts. They also have a new company who's better at shipping stuff. They are also offering special perks where your name is included in the credits or you can attend a class in riffing. 

Actually, considering the costs and value of the perks, it's still a good deal. Remember, those who got the full one-year pass got the shows, shorts, and post-movie interviews which were better than the movie. The chance for people who made the next MST targets explain themselves is priceless. Imagine if Hal Warren had to explain his movie.

This show will be 35 years old in a month (although it says that happens next year, but only as a national show. At least it exists!), It deserves to hit middle age.
Please give!
Oh, and here's the link as well. 

MST in 3-D: History in the Making, and Season 13 Is Now The Best

 

Back in the 50's, movie studios thought 3-D movies will get people back in theaters and away from that %@#&!! TV set, or at least Bonanza.

It got people interested, but it didn't last. It's still around thanks to Real 3-D, but it's not a common way to see movies.

It's even tougher to pull off on over-the-air or even streaming TV. You need those special red/blue glasses to get the full effect. Usually the movie that's shown is either Robot Monster or Creature From The Black Lagoon. Even Svengoolie tried a 3-D show with Revenge of the Creature in 1982, while the Super Bowl tried something similar in a halftime show in 1989. Then it discovered pop stars. 

Not too long ago, Kinga Forrester went insane! She vowed that she, too, can show a terrible movie in 

3-D, and it will be brilliant. THEY'LL SEE! THEY'LL SEE!
And what do you know....

This is clearly the show's greatest feat, showing the 1961 Canucksplotation film The Mask in 3-D, and doing a fairly good job of it. They not only presented fairly good 3-D effects, but went one step further. More on that later.

The story is about psychiatrist named Alan who is obsessed with an ancient mask that, when worn, doesn't turn you into an annoying version of Jim Carrey. It does show shocking visions (even for 1961) that may reflect the wearer's inner thoughts. In this case, they are very disturbing indeed. They feature a shocking ritual and a dark hellscape. Despite pleas by Alan's fiancee and a bland but still competent detective, Alan is overcome by the mask. He even threatens one of his patients.

The movie itself is on YouTube, and a couple of people have made reviews. Still, MST's new version is clearly the best. If you can, go to gizmonic.com and rent it. It'll be available for purchase by mid-November. Here's some samples. 

The host segments included a way to wear four masks at once, and variations of the Ouija game. After that, Jonah and the bots do some trick or treating, featuring Max and Synthia (who seems to be a Tom Atkins fan). 

There's also a spoof on Monster Mash, where the monsters can't attend the Halloween bash (but might be available at Thanksgiving), and noir therapy.

This, however, is the money shot:  MST making its own 3-D host segment despite low budgets and COVID limitations. IT IS BRILLIANT! It also guarantees it will be around for a while. 

By the way, even the papermations and the "intros" were in 3-D. Here's a picture of that

The post-game show was also fantastic, with the crew with their own costumes By the way, Emily is not Little Orphan Annie going blonde. Not only is it funny, but gives some footage of how they pulled off the 3-D host segment. It better be in the DVD sets next Spring. 
By the way, the Gizmoplex site has the complete episode with post-game show in 2D and 3D. Audio problems reported by the fans have been fine-tuned.

This confirms that season 13 may be the best one ever. Considering it had to show episodes as a boutique streaming service, and make them under COVID limits and a smaller budget, it has done a damn good job. Maybe we'll have to wait a long while for new episodes (like Andor and House of the Dragon), but the wait will be worth it after a season like this.

Now, riff time...

first, a visual riff for baseball fans

                                      
                                                                 Dock Ellis with the pitch...

A guy who apparently wore the mask is about to attack his date
I'm coming to get you,  Barbara

"And did he have any friends or relatives?"
Does a Sailor Moon body pillow count?

Alan unwraps the mask when it's sent to him in a package
Got your mail again, Nicholas Cage

"Do you know Dr. Barnes (Alan)?"
He sang Fish Heads.

In the vision, a man walks wearing a mask
It's Franken-David Byrne

Alan's fiancee tries to reason with him. "Sorry to barge in this way"
I'm a bit of a She-Hulk (when was this riffed?)

There's also riffs on Halloween 3, Jordan Peele, Mars Attacks, 3rd Bass, Whitesnake, and Sherman-Williams. 

Fans won't have to wait long for the next new show. Joel (and Emily's bots) will take on The Bubble, about a strange small town invaded by aliens (we think). All we know is one of the guys from the Mod Squad is in it. It'll be shown on Veteran's Day, or two weeks before the MST High Holy Days.
It's getting close to the end, too, so if there are any secrets that should be revealed (like who is Kabahl REALLY?), we may be close. 

The Six Eyes Enduring Sumaru

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is quite familiar with insane jerks out to take over the world, or at least our bank accounts (like the current version is doing).

Over the Labor Day weekend, Jonah and the bots endured Million Eyes of Sumaru. It's the first time the show repeated this number since 1988 in the KTMA days. That was brought up on the post-show, but more on that later. 
She was created by the same guy who invented Fu Manchu. While he wants the world even if he had to burn it down, she wants a world where women rule and men may or may not exist. We're not sure.

What's certain is that the show's winning streak in its 13th season is still intact, with another great set of riffs. It's just as good as Rifftrax revisiting some MST targets (like Brain That Wouldn't Die recently). 

Sumaru (supposedly) controls powerful men by having her slaves be their wives or mistresses, expecting them to practically own the men. One problem: a weird-looking President Boong isn't going along with this, and she decides to kill him. 

So who's going to challenge her? Sadly, it's a secret agent called .00000007 and his young sidekick who's only in the movie to con people into watching it. They're also known as George Nader and Frankie Avalon. 

It's basically the usual Eurotrash spy movie with the bad girls vowing to beat the good guys, terrible chase scenes, and an evil plan that never gets anywhere.

Sumaru captures Nader twice just to taunt him with her sure-fire "I will rule the world and make sure no one spray-paints me to death" plan. Nader's lousy quips that make dad jokes look like a John Mulaney set don't help. Mannequins generate more obscene thoughts than these two people. Then again, she wants sex without feeling and he's....able to deliver the "without feeling" part of it (look up his history on the Wiki). 
To be honest, this is her real goal

                                         
                                          

Oh, and Boong is played by Klaus Kinski, free of Werner Herzog's control....darn it.

At the Gizmoplex, Kabahl (Baron Vaughn) is trying to come up with more ways to boost the popularity of the show, like spinning off Waverly and Growler. Actually, not a bad idea, since Synthia's done that. It's also the first time he's actually touched Kinga and Max. So, he's not a hologram (maybe).
He's still a fake, because who'd believe MySpace would make a comeback?

As for the host segments, most were about the movie, especially this one where Jonah's more clueless than Nader. 

The episode ends with Kinga singing the praises of Sumaru, but also mentioning real bad girls like Cruella and Hela. Well, as long as she never sees The Girl From Rio...
Meanwhile, Jonah and Emily continue their mutiny plans in rhyme, and Joel is also on board. 

The post show was another winner with writers Felicia Day (finally), Tammy Golden, Devon Coleman and Tim Ryder. They revealed some more juicy tidbits. For one thing, there's not enough money in the world for Felicia to see Munchie again (or enough of something Loni Anderson has). Also, they cut the movies down to around an hour to establish 95 minutes including host segments. If you want the uncut version, it might be at Rifftrax depending on the movie. 
Oh, and the Kinga number actually had special effects. That was due to a space suit shortage. 
At least Devon described Sumaru perfectly: "if a middle school principal wrote Austin Powers."
Then again, Sumaru would be middle-school principal material. 
Oh, and they compared this movie to the KTMA version. It revealed how terrible the print was, how the riffs were improvised, how young Joel was, and how people were able to keep up with the time and temperature during the movie. 

OK, riff time, and in some spots we'll do all three versions:

Both MST and Rifftrax noted the slaves in waiting looked like auditions for Kill Bill

Sumaru celebrates killing people:  "May they rest in peace"

MST:  pieces
RT:  slowest slow clap ever.
88:  Jeannie C. Riley...The Harper Valley Death Squad

Sumaru's slaves kill a traitor who fell in love

MST:  Pentacostals don't baptize this aggressively
RT:  Baptize the Hell out of her

Avalon is at a restaurant while people dance.

MST:  Hey, I know Annette Funicello. Are you impressed?
RT:  Annette, stop doing the Twist and take the kill shot.

The scene where Avalon asks "I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing?"

MST:  He's riffing himself
88:  We'll make fun of the movie if you don't mind
RT:  For anyone under the age of 60, that was a meta joke

Sumaru whips Nader, because she doesn't feel loved and feared enough

MST:  If there are any kids watching, it's past all your bedtimes
RT:  Could I get the thigh strangling treatment instead?

And this picture, which is the movie in a nutshell (the girl on the wall is dead while Nader pretends to be straight AGAIN)...

There were also comments on Twiggy, Mulan, Build-a-Bear Workshop, Venture Brothers and GrubHub. 

The show's salute to spy movies will continue through September, including a tribute to Super Dragon on the 16th. It will end two weeks later with Shape of Things To Come, an alleged HG Wells adaptation. It includes some guy named Caball. 
No, not like that other Kabahl, but it may hint this thing might come to a head before Turkey Day.

Oh, and the show will have a Halloween contest, and entries can be sent to mst3k.com/halloween. 
For everything else, gizmoplex.com

Gamera's Back, But What's Pearl Planning? MST in July

 

Sorry this was a week late, but there were no watch parties at Comic-Con.
For the first time in 30 years, Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffs on a Gamera movie. However, Jonah and the bots see it uncut, and it's a bit tedious. Meanwhile, Pearl may be planning something. Forresters don't have family vacations without a motive.

First, though, the movie...
it takes place around the time of Expo 70 in Osaka. A strange statue found by an "American" in Wester Island will be part of the event. Some guy claims removing it will cause a curse. Actually, it wakes up a monster called Jiger. Gamera comes to the rescue, despite the adults being upset it'll wreck Japan. Jiger "infects it" with an egg or whatever. The Annoying Kids borrow a kiddie submarine to rescue Gamera, then we have the final battle where Gamera wins. 
It's the usual thing, only without sexy aliens who want to eat brains. 

                                      

At the Gizmoplex, Kinga's happy her Kingadome has become so successful, and even says she's done more in her family's tradition of "unpleasant entertainment" than anyone else. 
That's where Pearl suggests Kinga join her in a vacation in the Time Bag. Hostile takeover attempt, maybe?
Also, they may screw up time and erase the experiment from existence...or be forced to become Dr. Pearl and TV's Kinga.

Well, that's sometime in the not too distant future, but it's a chance for Max and the two Synthias to mind the store. That should make things interesting. Besides, maybe Emily winds up running the show.   

The host segments were pretty good, as they spoofed exposition events and how one of the kids was dubbed. 
Then Dr. Donna St. Phibes came back with results of the crew's physicals. The results were rather odd, especially Jonah apparently having robot parts inside him (because one of his family members is someone called Chuck E. Cheese). Maybe this is a ploy by the doc to be alone with Jonah, since at the end of season 12 she did fancy him a bit (it's OK, they're married in real life). 

                                        

Maybe it's a moot point. She feeds the "giant brain" from the 2018 Live Tour, but suddenly becomes its lunch. If she survived this, it may prove SHE has an interesting relative called TV's Frank, who's had his share of physical abuse.

It ends with a rousing Irish drinking song about Jiger. Actually, this episode has many interesting musical moments. The crew sings several inaccurate English translations of the Gamera song, but also sell a plaintive song where Gamera reflects on his life battling monsters for his kiddie friends. 

By the way, it's the original version because the credits weren't in English. It also started with a "best of Gamera" reel, but could that really be true? 
Also, the monsters didn't get anywhere near Expo 70 because the organizers drew the line at that.

Now, riff time...

Keisuke tells Hiroshi about the statue:  "Its purpose is a mystery"
Like the Cats movie

The statue is moved
That's one big Pez dispenser

Jiger wakes up
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

Then meets Gamera
How do I let you know if I'm a Triceratops or a Tricerabottom?

The fight they have is...rather repetitive
What's the feeling you get when you've seen a giant monster battle before? Kaiju Vu?

Gamera painfully tries to remove the arrows Juger shot at him  

Never kink shame Gamera

The kids try to remove whatever Jiger injected into him
This is the most stressful game of Operation ever

There's also riffs on Coors, the Buffy movie (happy 30th), MASH, Yo Gabba Gabba, one of Gamera's past friends....and Cornjob!

After big monsters dominated July, it looks like "super" "heroes" will take over August. The featured movie will be The Batwoman, a Mexican "adaptation" that might be too sexy for this show.

Meanwhile, Synthia's Selects will include Prince of Space, some Neptune men, a Ninja, and (this I SHOULD have seen coming) a more quaint Batwoman who battles a fake Mexican villain. 

The next tribute will look at Pumaman August fifth, and it may be a better print or (horrors) the uncut version.
Still, no Sampson against vampire women?

     I WILL KILL AGAAAAAAIINNNN!

MST3K Takes a Bite Out Of Munchie

 It's been a while since Mystery Science Theater 3000 had a massively TERRIBLE movie to show to Jonah and the bots. We had close ones in the Gauntlet like The Day Time Ended or Mac and Me, but Munchie is.......AHOAAAAAAUGH!

Before the latest edition aired over Memorial Day weekend, Jonah Ray, Felicia Day, Emily Marsh and others commented on writing for this "movie" and how it broke them. Even the MST3K crew tried to refuse to see act two, but Kinga had the oxygen button. It also showed the robots didn't care about that for obvious reasons. After act two, it was just another day in Hell for them. 

Before we get to the movie, fans are noticing more changes. The full show has the official version of the episode (with ads by Pearl and Pearl II aka Synthia), followed by a trailer for the next episode and the post-game show (in this case, a meeting of Munchie Anonymous). Now, there's also a shortened version that people can watch before the live premiere. This is a first, with people getting a chance to get a jump on the deep hurting.

Also, MegaSynthia (Yvonne Freeze) finally got face time, along with Donna St. Phibes (Deanna Rooney, wife of Jonah). Pearl still seems to be determined to be a better grandma to Kinga, OR ELSE. No doubt Kahbal (that's his real name) may find himself in the middle, but he did improve the show with a second host.

So....the movie.
Actually, turnout for this was fine considering it faced competition from Obi-Wan, Stranger Things 4, and the new Top Gun movie
BUT, blame Roger Corman for this kiddie horror show. It's about a kid named Gage who's having problems at school. He's been bullied, has bad grades (only because he's been the new kid for two months), wishes he was dead (complete with a terrible funeral with worse mourning) and can't get the attention of a pretty girl played by Love Hewitt (a few years before she bought a slightly used Jennifer). 

Gage finds a box with something inside that sounds like Dom Deluise...and it's horrifying.

                                  

Anyway, this...thing...claims he'll solve Gage's problems. It does, kind of. At least Gage gets some revenge against his bullies and attention from his crush. Sadly, though, it causes more problems at school and even with his mom, played by Loni Anderson. Some guy is trying to marry her, but his approach is terrible. He's also a scientist, but this movie doesn't show that.
There's also a neighbor played by Arte Johnson, sounding like his German character on Laugh-In. 

The script is terrible. There are some ways you can salvage a decent story here, but it was clearly edited by a blender. Why not have the sleazy doc be suspicious about Munchie sooner and attempt experiments on it, or the German guy be an expert in Munchie's kind and try to keep him under control. 
How about proof Gage has a dad? Well, since this is a kid's movie, that was unimportant.
Corman thought Loni's cleavage, Dom's voice and badly used cliches were enough. He clearly lost a bit after Avalanche. 
Not only that, the puppet was terrible. It was more badly dubbed than an El Santo movie. 

The riffing was not bad, but the gang had problems fitting them in. 

Gage daydreams he gets an award for fractions
Cue the bucket filled with pig's blood

Loni comes home with her boyfriend
Loni Anderson has that Real Estate Agent from Dallas look

Munchie is laying in Gage's bedroom
What have to done with Teddy Ruxpin?

Sleazy boyfriend tells Loni "What he (Gage) needs in a man's influence
Know any?

The gang turns on the movie...as it should...because of a pointless chase scene
I wish this movie was gone in 60 seconds.

There's also riffs on The Beatles, Harry Potter, Judy Tenuda, Sparks (the band) and escape rooms.

Back to the show, it featured a pretty good invention exchange about an environmentally-safe rock band complete with a guitar that repairs itself (sound familiar, Joel?). Dr. St. Phibes also talked about how the Munchie may be a movie-monster mutant variant, but the one she has looks like a Mutant Alvin.
 

Trying to pummel bad family movies is not easy. There were two examples two seasons back. Taking on Munchie was a noble effort, and they did their best. It didn't have as much snap as the previous three movies. Still, a lot of fans liked the riffs and how the deep hurting flowed. The new season has proven MST3K is back in a big way, and maybe it'll get a lot of business from newbies and lapsed fans who have been in Rifftrax Land for a while. 

By the way, the show had a short bit with Emily thinking her Crow was dead. Let's say she wasn't happy with what was really going on. The post-game support group included comments on whether Munchie was the worst, or there's something...else. 

The show will have two movies in June, including a movie tries to be Marvel without the proper rights, and a horror movie whose budget is about 30 cents higher than Lycan Colony. YIKES!

Learn more at gizmoplex.com.

MST3K: All Hail Cabal, Then Wonder About Robot Wars

 

This ain't your uncle's Mystery Science Theater 3000, because now the Mads have a boss.

His name is Cabal, who claims he's from the future and is paying Kinga and Max's bills.
He's probably a high-tech fraud, but at least he suggests they get a second host (which is where Emily Marsh comes in). Cabal is played by Baron Vaughn, who also voices Tom Servo. So, is Kabal the second coming of Kevin Murphy except with a aerodynamic hoodie? We shall see.

Aside from that, the second half of the "soft open" gets underway with a showing of Robot Wars. It's about a guy named Drake who operates a scorpion robot that shoots at tanks while carrying passengers. It takes place in 2041, so it's more depressing than, say, Warriors of the Lost World. 
Anyway, he flirts with a passenger who suspects something is hidden under a ghost town called Crystal Valley. It's supposed to be a relic of 1993 (when this movie was made). An Asian guy and a "journalist" get involved, and it's revealed a long-forgotten robot is buried under the town. It soon emerges, setting up the "Robot War" which barely lasts a couple of minutes. The terrible stop-action animation doesn't help either. 

The riffing, however, is a little better than the Santo vs. Dracula movie. The host segments were good, too. It featured Jonah in a dress (yikes), a tour of a 1990's theme park, and a Ted Talk about Drake's buddy Stumpy

Then Kinga and Max wonder how they can get a second host. Thanks to Synthia, they get a solution:

It looks like her first movie will happen in a few weeks.

So, let's get to the riffs:

Drake tries to charm Leda (the nosy passenger)
What's the opposite of a meet cute? Beat you?

Stumpy the sidekick:  What would John Wayne do?
Say something racist?

The buried robot emerges through a parking lot
So that's how Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Balloons are born

Then it's about to fight the Scorpion robot
I'm gonna walk down to Electric Avenue

To their credit, Jonah and the bots riffs through very long closing credits.
Best Boy, why isn't there a Best Girl?

There were also riffs on Scottsdale, Home Depot, Dukes of Hazzard, Joe Frazier, Hamilton and This Island Earth (the MST version). 

Afterwards, there was a pre-taped discussion about the Gizmoplex and why Joel decided on a "soft launch" first. He was joined by Matt McGinnis, Lesley Kinzel and Ivan Askwith. They made some great points about how backers got a chance to see them build the Plex while getting it ready for the grand opening on May 6th. Joel compared it to a basketball team getting some practice time before the season starts. They also wanted the fans to see the process and how that can be very interesting. So far, it's led to some valuable feedback that can be used once everyone else can get a chance to check out the Gizmoplex. 

They also say it's not like Netflix, and that's not the goal here. It's a place where people can be part of MST3K as a fan or backer, or just someone who wonders what they heck it is. They can go with subscriptions or just buy or rent an episode. It's also a chance for other MSTies to share their love for the show, and spread the word. As Joel says, it's kind of like buying a season ticket to live plays or a Best of Broadway series. He also admits he's not trying to compete with other sci-fi franchises like Star Trek, and he shouldn't. MST is all about mocking the genre, especially the low-tech attempts, and that makes it a unique part in our lives and America (AMEN!).

There was also some discussion on how the show changed over the years. It started as a nice way to spend two hours on the Comedy Central, to something really different on SyFy. That channel treated the show as a sci-fi series with plot and stuff, never mind the movie mocking. Now that the show is its own boss, it can be the best of all of its incarnations.

That makes sense. After all, Broadway shows have previews and out-of-town tryouts before Opening Night. This is the same thing.
It's already had an effect. The intermission for the second episode was much shorter compared to Santo, which was basically a long host segment.

Anyway, the next show will be Emily's first with Beyond Atlantis, made in the Philippines. That'll be on the 29th.
Oh, and look who came back...

Gizmoplex Salutes The Ultimate MST3K Episode...and Finally Riffs a Short

 

The Gizmoplex's "Soft Open" continued this past Friday by riffing a short for the first time since the summer of '99, followed by a tribute to the ultimate episode, Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Not enough has been said about this odd ultra-cheap horror film made in El Paso in 1966 which was buried and forgotten until TV's Frank unwittingly allowed the curse to escape into an unsuspecting world in 1993
As Crow points out to Jonah and Servo, it's the one episode MST3K will forever be linked. Never mind stinkburgers like Castle of Fu Manchu, Monster a Go Go or Being From Another Planet. A movie that features a doomed family, a demon guy with an odd robe, a bellhop with suspect motor control and full-contact nightgown wrestling can curse anyone.
Just ask the Rifftrax guys, The Original Mads when they presented an HD print, and even Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. An episode of her seeing the movie (and realizing her mistake) is at Shout Factory TV.
Then again,  the revival of the movie led to an interesting book by the youngest cast member, odd adaptations, a documentary (on the MST special edition DVD by Shout Factory) and an unexpected sequel.

                                     

Before that, Pearl and Synthia introduce the Short of the Month Club, where Gizmoplex Pass members were recruited the same way Putin "recruited" an audience to a recent rally where he tells people the War with Ukraine is a big success (or else).
No matter, though. Fans have been wanting the MST gang to riff shorts again, and they started with Pipeline to the Clouds. It's a General Electric short about the importance of water distribution. It showed what happens when we don't get enough rain, and how building better water plants will solve everything. Still, they show about half of the film because it gets tedious at 24 minutes.

The riffing, though is pretty good. 

"There's no such thing as really pure water"
Ooo, rain, you nasty, girl

"We must have safe water, wherever and whenever we want it"
Brought to you by Nestle (really sharp comment here)

The short ends with lots of flowing water
Crow:  I didn't even have a bladder and I gotta go.

There are also comments on TLC, Kool-Aid and beer.

This was followed by the showing of Manos, complete with half a short and very unexpected apologies. In between, Jonah and the bots just shoot the breeze like suggesting what kind of demon hunters they'd have.

Then the post-game show, with Joel and Mary Jo recalling how they encountered Manos for the first time, followed by a deep uneasy feeling about seeing it. Remember, this was AFTER Deep Hurting.

                                  

That was followed by a new interview from Jackey Neyman Jones, who played Debbie in the movie.
Although she has been in several recent interviews, including one with the Mads last December, she had some new details for everyone. 
She says the cast, including her dad Tom (aka the Master), actually were in a local performance of Henry IV before the movie. The "wives", meanwhile, came from a local modeling agency.

Also, she found out the movie was on Comedy Central thanks to, of all people, her dad. Seems he's a big MST fan, and was as surprised as anyone the movie got on the show. She even called the channel to ask if she could get a copy, and the person who talked to her slowly realized he was talking to Debbie.

The episode was taken off the website for a while because the Gizmoplex bosses thought it had to be edited. That included removing a 20-minute countdown that featured the Mads in odd spacesuits while plugging some major contributors and featuring a recipe for Torgo's Pizza. This tweet from Frank gives fans an idea of how it worked. 

The plan is still to feature a movie every month or so, then a short two weeks later. The next edition will be Robot Wars on April first, but it's not certain if this is Emily's first Gizmoplex movie. Thanks to the live tour, she will be ready.

By the way, the episode revealed "The Bubble" will likely be the last episode of season 13 just before the Christmas show...and proof Growler's still on the show (as music director, possibly).

Learn more at gizmoplex.com.

Is 2022 The Year of the Big Riff? Here's Why

 As Spring is about to come in 2022, the two Riffing Super-Powers are about to dominate our souls. 

Rifftrax, which has been mocking movies for 15(!) years, has a new Kickstarter campaign, but it's only one movie instead of two of three. Yes, we can blame COVID for this. Either than, or getting terrible movies to humiliate is getting tougher every day.

In any case, this is the next target:

Yep, someone brought their evil there, and Mike, Bill and Kevin have to respond.

This is the follow-up to the DC Comics series featuring a scientist who becomes a swamp creature and provides programming for independent channels and the USA Network.

The first movie featured his origin story and a topless Adrienne Barbeau. Here, both Swamp Thing and the guy he thought he killed, Dr. Arcane, are back. Heather Locklear is now part of things as Arcane's niece, who of course falls for the mean green hero. She has to avoid being the latest evil experiment, and some new monsters called UnMen (a term that would be a lousy way to describe women or anyone who really wants lefty things like easier voter registration and like that).

This is actually putting Rifftrax Live at a level between Anaconda and, well, Hobgoblins. It's actually a step up compared to what they've had to work worth in the past couple of years. 

The only disappointing thing is that we have only one Rifftrax Live show instead of at least two movies. Let's chalk this up as a transitional year, followed by a full slate (if you call two movies a full slate) next year. We have this from one of the organizers, Erik Peterson. Actually, he has a point:

Yeah, because we're not back to 100% normality yet, and for the safety of our fans and crew, we're playing it safe this year and focusing on producing one fantastic show. We do have some other fun things in store, but it's pretty unlikely that we'll be able to add another live event at this time

Anyway, the usual goal is 250 thousand has been reached in 19 hours. The real feature will be the stretch goals, including more cheap short films, VOD titles or mp3 tracks, This would be a good idea to offer a "Just the Jokes" version of It's a Wonderful Life. We deserve to mock Jimmy Stewart for refusing to accept the idea of a multiverse.
Heck, let's go after The Batman in six or seven months. That'll be perfect for Halloween.

The link to the latest Rifftrax project is right here. Still, let's make it official..

Meanwhile, at Mystery Science Theater 3000, the new season aka "Screw You, Nexflix, and your Oscar nominations, too" is almost here. They start the new independent era Friday with El Santo and the Treasure of Dracula.

Basically, it's the wrestling star against the vampire women he didn't get to kill a few years before, plus Dracula. It's also in color.
The "tickets" to all of the shows, including shorts, can be found here. The home page is here, with "previews" of the new season. As you notice, they're actually going to take on Manos again just after Saint Patrick's Day, but add a post-game show. They'll have a show every two weeks through early 2023. In fact, all shows will have discussion at the end, mainly how were these movies or shorts allowed to exist. Take that, Talking Dead.

The codes for the Gizmoplex passes are also out, and for the most part are working well. That includes "vault codes" where people can see six shows per month. 

The show also has a very popular comments section. You can join at https://forums.mst3k.com/. You can literally talk about other things aside from MST. 

MST3K, The Streaming Channel! Coming Soon....If You Want To Help

In the not too distant future, etc.

"DAMMIT!"
"MAX!"
The angry woman slugs her poor lackey.
"OUCH!"
"Hey, you should have noticed I'm wearing my MODOK costume for the next Comic-Con...whenever that happens"

Yeah, it's Kinga and Max. They just found out not even Shout Factory TV won't OK another season.

"This is an outrage," she says. "They show the really old stuff, some of the newer ones. We can make more."
"Uh, Kinga, you better see this..."
"See what, Max?", she says.

She then sees Jonah and Joel announcing the new Kickstarter plan for MST3K to be its own streaming service, with new stuff and specials.
"BLASPHEMY!", she yells. "Why didn't I think of that when we had all those COVID specials online thanks to President Virus Chump?"
"Maybe because you alienated all those other streaming services," Max says.
"Hey, I tried to be charming, offered the Satellite of Love to Amazon Prime to help with their delivery services. I still refuse to believe HBO Max when it said I was more terrifying than Godzilla or Kong. I'm more sure of that after seeing that movie the other day."
"Yeah, I think it's more terrified that Millie Bobbie Brown is 17"
"Why?," Kinga wonders. "Because it means Enola Holmes 2?"
"Well, Max says, "let's see if we can horn in on this before Synthia or Mega-Synthia find out."
"Yeah, I don't need that sequel to Attack of the Clones."

So, they see the new attempt to bring back Mystery Science Theater 3000, found at 
MakeMoreMST3K.Com

After they see the pitch video....
"OK, where are we in this?", Kinga wonders. "Besides, I thought Joel retired. This is not the time to pull a Jay Leno."
"Of course not," Max says. "Since you have that Conan O'Brien shrine, with rubber duck."
"Hey, Funko didn't offer that.

"Well, aside from dropping a few bucks of our own (thanks to our somewhat official swag we did sell), we can figure out a way to be the Mads again. I don't want that loudmouth Mega-Synthia taking over my job."
"Right," Max says, "or you shoving me towards Meg when she tries to attack you."
"Why would you think I'd....OK, that's too easy."
"It's not as if you'd be friends with Pearl's Clones."
"Sure I would....until I betray them...or they do....

"Look, let's just make sure this Gizmoplex is made, then we can inflict ourselves in it. In fact, let's make a threat, er, video, on that."
"Good idea," Max says. "The first goal is two million for three episodes..."
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, to quote a Super Dragon. We must break six million...and we're already close to a million four hours after this started. This will be a snap."
"Yeah, and thanks to being stuck in that other theater Jonah made for a couple of hours, and reviewing all the previous experiments, we'll have some ideas on new entries."
"Well, it wasn't my idea to do that, but once I found out some TV-movies were riffed in the pre-historic days, I just had to look."
"Sure. Of course, Kinga, you really want to get the sequel to Grizzly since it was shown on Showtime."
"I'd prefer getting Mike Nelson and force him to see it. It's bad enough he's our arch-enemy, the least he can do is be mad at us when we recapture him."
"Yeah, but what if we try to borrow a movie he's riffed, like with Ator?"
"I'd rather not do that. We just have to beat him to the punch, or maybe punch him if he offers us Lycan Colony or something like that"

"Come to think of it, what about our dads?", Max says.
"OH, THEM! They fake their deaths so they wind up mocking bad movies online too? Whose side are they on? Next thing you know, fans will expect us doing it."
"Well, I've watched enough Turner Classic Movies...."
"You dare suggest me doing it and I'll find that Metal Reptilicus you found a few years back and turn you into its lunch."
"Actually, it made up a third of the Metal Godzilla in that movie."
"How? It looked more like a bad Lego set."
"Hey, let's just make sure this Gizmoplex is funded, then make sure we're part of it."
"Damn right we will. No clone gonna replace me.

"Come to think of it, what about Emily whats-her-name. Could she replace Jonah?"
"Maybe they take turns. Since it's a streaming service, maybe it's twice the experiments."
"Well, let's get this funded. Maybe we can get revenge over those who have forsaken us, especially Netflix."
"Maybe. By the way, Kinga, could this lead to spinoffs like Dr. Donna St, Phibes' Monster Kingdom?"
"Oh, great, waste 30 minutes on seeing the wild Trumpy, Beast of Hollow Mountain, Hobgoblins or Coleman Francis in their unnatural habitats. 
SAAAYYYY..."

If you want MST3K's streaming service Gizmoplex to come true (watch out, Paramount Plus) go to makemoremst3k.com. The campaign will run until May seventh. Lots of bonus swag will be available depending on how much you want to give. They even include a music box and snow globe. 
HI-Keeba!

The End of MST3K on Netflix, or Kinga is Invaded by Australians

Well, it is now official, more than a year after Kinga Forrester imposed the Gauntlet on Jonah Heston, Crow and Servo. What she expected, no one knows, because she clearly forgot when Clayton Forrester tried to show people 30 hours of the show in a row and nothing much happened.

Netflix has decided not to make a third series of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That was confirmed was Joel Hodgson in his latest Revival League e-mail. There were rumblings about it for a while, including Facebook and Reddit. Some have also pointed out the show's last season on Comedy Central was six shows. Well, it turns out they were right.
Apparently, Netflix prefers making movies that might win Academy Awards than show a guy and two robots be movie critics for 90 minutes.
Then again, it also doesn't think it needs Marvel. That'll backfire.

So, I was thinking, how would Kinga respond to the news?
It could be this....

Kinga and Max are on Moon 13, plotting their next movie against Jonah, as soon as he gets back from last year's live tour.

"You'd think they'd be back by now," Max would say. "Synthia wouldn't double cross us, would she?"

"She better not," Kinga could say. "She's Pearl's clone...and suddenly I'm worried because I don't think Pearl respects me as she should. I mean, she's gone to the enemy...Rifftrax! Sure, she's good with her friend Bridget but that means she's with Nelson. AHHHH!"

She hits Max, of course, but he pokes her back.
"Look, hitting me changes nothing," Max says. "Surely Netflix will give us another series. They wouldn't throw us away. Since they dumped Marvel, they have nothing...except Stranger Things, Atypical, Adam Sandler movies that aren't embarrassing, that sci-fi mob movie..."
"What?"
"The Irishman. Any movie that makes Robert DeNiro younger is sci-fi"
"Well, if it's a movie that's not only longer than Endgame but better, you have to hand it to them...especially with the first scene DeNiro has with Pesci. Now THAT's special effects."

Then the Deep Hurting ship shows up. Kinga meets it along with some Boneheads and Max.
"FINALLY," Kinga bellows. "Get the tubes ready. The Deep Hurting shall resume! Locking us in that second theater didn't trap us for long, and seeing those bad movies gave me ideas for new nightmare-fueled movies. Jonah will be sorry he didn't fake-marry me"

The ship lands, and Kinga says, "Welcome, you doomed, pathetic...."
It's not Jonah. Or the bots.
"Hello, Kinga, remember me?"
"Martha Masters???"
"Yes, Martha Masters, CEO of Gizmonic Institute. As you can see, Synthia is with me."
"Hello, Bonehead," Synthia says sweetly with cyanide.
"Boy, some loyal clone you are," Kinga says.
"Hey, I am loyal to my maker, Pearl...sort of," Synthia explains. "You knew I'd double cross you and try to take over the experiment. The second live show tour changed that."
"Indeed," Masters says.  "It took a while to track you down after Jonah disappeared a year ago (in storyline terms), but we figured out this was happening in our old Moon base. Jonah visited us when he was in town, and told us about your revival of that dumb experiment that made great TV."
"Yes, it did, and I have created a vast empire. New shows! New fans! Overpriced souvenirs sold in two live tours! Live tours!! SWAG!!! Comedy Central and SyFy never bothered with that...or Rifftrax."
"All right," Masters said. "I'll give you that, but cloning?"
"Hey, that was Grandma Pearl..."
"Kinga, you do know you're not really Dr. Clayton Forrester's daughter."
"NO! I am Dr. Forrester's child!"
"ADOPTED!"
"YES!!", Kinga admitted. "That counts, right?"
"Yeah, but you know you're not that much like him. For one thing, your hair's too good. And 'nightmare-fueled world' is so cliche. A more apt description is 'cheap and pathetic' for these movies."
"Well, I tried. I even stole ideas from Jonah for the Invention Exchange. That's what the old Mads did. By the way, they're buried on Mearth."
"Actually, they faked their deaths and are atoning by mocking movies nationwide but not California for some reason," Masters revealed. "They also have a podcast"
"So that story Dr. Erhardt said was a lie?", Kinga says. "I'm crushed."
"Well, maybe he wanted to show he was alive after all. He doesn't like being a forgotten henchman"

"Uh, speaking of forgotten henchmen.." Max says.
"Oh, Max Frank,or whatever your name is." Masters says.
"It's TV's Son of TV's Frank, actually."
"Really. Is that what it says on your birth certificate?"
"It should. I mean, it exists...unless Dad is hiding something from me."
"Well," Masters says, "I'm sure you are Frank's son. He must have gotten lucky once in his Soultaker days."
She also looks at him looking a bit too longingly at Kinga "Still have lousy taste in women, I see."
"Hey, Kinga's my bae"
"I AM NOT!"
"Well, I care about you, a lot more than Neville, that space magician."
"Man, he was a big dud as a date. FTW, K, my ass!," Masters grumbles.
"Gee, talk about..."

"QUIET! Anyway, aside from wanting to put you all in chains," Masters says, "I'm here to say Netflix has pulled the plug on MST3K."
"DAMMIT!!!", Kinga yells as she tries to hit everyone before Max and a couple of the Boneheads restrain her. "First Comedy Central, now this."
"I know," Masters says, "It was great to have people talk about Gizmonics again. However, that doesn't mean it's all over. It's not 1999. There are other options."
"Yes!," Kinga says, "We can kidnap someone else, blackmail Twitch or HBO Max to carry us, offer same-day delivery to Amazon Prime members..."
"How?"
"Satellite of Love, of course."
"Well, there are better options," Masters says.  "Also, we have a third live show that apparently includes someone named Mega-Synthia..."
"What?" Synthia asks, "I thought that prototype was destroyed. I mean, a clone of Pearl and me? It's like cloning yourself twice. Icky. Besides, she looked like a member of GLOW, and I don't mean the Netflix show."
"Don't mention Netflix to me again," Kinga says. "I thought they believed in us, that we'd be the bedrock to their service, that without us they would fade away and die. Once again, MST3K gets betrayed by an ungrateful channel, dumped for something sexier."
"Well, at least we didn't get dumped for cheesy animation," Max says.
"Besides, Kinga, Disney Plus will cause more problems for Netflix, if it hasn't already thanks to Yoda Jr.," Synthia says.
"Yeah, their version of Nummy Muffin Cocoa Butter," Max says.

"While the live show continues, everything is on hold, but all you guys are going back to Gizmonic," Masters says.
"Doing what?", Kinga asks.
"Well, you could be the dung scooper for Trumpy"
"Sure, Dr. Donna St. Phibes, future fake boyfriend stealer, would love that", Kinga says. "By the way, where is she?"
"Back at Gizmonic and her zoo," Masters says.
"So, what do you have in store for Max and me?", Kinga asks, trying to look brave but failing.
"You can help us bring back the show," Masters says. "If you got us 20 new shows and some swag, it won't take 18 years to get back."
"Damn right it won't, and I'm sure Max and me will be as evil as ever."
"Well, if it comes to that. Mega-Synthia is pretty popular on the live show."
"Really", Synthia said with some bitterness.
"I can go back to being the rink rat at the New Beverly, now that it's open again," Max says. "I might find some other "nightmare-fueled movies."
"It could be tougher," Masters says, "since there's now money in being insulted."

Bonita, one of the Boneheads, asks, "What about us?"
"Well, you have a band, right?"
"Well, Friendster and his friends. We were supposed to be an army that would overrun the world, but we were better playing weddings and bar mitzvahs."
"Well, that's almost the same thing," Masters says. "I have friends that will get you on the circuit."

Kinga stands there, sad and disappointed. "I thought I was going to get billions from Disney, be a real big shot, laugh at the heaping, sobbing carcass of Grandma Pearl. Instead, I'm on a one-way ticket to Palookaville."
"Hey," Max says, "I'm the movie nut, not you."
"Yeah, well..."
"But Netflix will still run our shows..and we still have the swag that Shout Factory sells for us!"
"Yeah, and who's to say out diabolical plan won't work after all?"

"Wait," Bonita says, "why is a flying boomerang spaceship headed our way?"
They soon find out. A bunch of Australians get off the ship.
"OK, which one of you is Kinga Forrester?", a Hugh Jackman look-a-like asks. "If you think you're going to sink our beloved Australia unless you get ten billion dollars..."
"WAIT A MINUTE!", Kinga says. "First, it proves you saw one of our early live shows..."
"No, I got it from this book that Amazon sold online"
"Oh," she says. "We also sold this on the live shows. This is a script. I'd probably sink myself if I really tried. This is the intro to our riff of Eegah"
"You mean the movie where a caveman battles a six foot hairless warthog?"
"You mean Arch Hall Jr. Yeah, that's him."
"Actually, your new shows were really good, especially the Gauntlet"
"Thank you," Kinga says, "I was hoping it would be painful."
"Well," Not Hugh says, "maybe if you ended with Atlantic Rim instead of Ator..."
"We've gotten that a lot," Max says. "Would you like your book autographed?"
"As long as I'm here..."

Finally, Kinga and Max look at their former base, looking at what might have been.
Bonita approaches them. "Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show..."
"Do you really believe that?", Kinga and Max say.
Bonita weeps. So do Kinga and Max.

"We'll be back," Kinga vows. "If we have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, next Sunday A.D. will come"
"Or someone will take over," Max says.
"Well, I prefer us," Kinga says.
"So, our dads are doing a podcast, huh?"

Kinga's Revenge: MST3K's Christmas Gauntlet

In the not too distant future...maybe sometime before Christmas...

Kinga and Max want to get revenge on Jonah for locking them into that other theater he made for them after the Gauntlet, so they'd know what it's like to riff bad movies.
Sure, they were able to get out after an hour thanks to the Boneheads' safe-cracker skills, but were also surprised what movies were riffed. Then, they willingly saw all those movies while the tour was going on.
Sure, Max was a good riffer and Kinga learned she could do it, too.
Still, they're crazy movie tormentors, and they just had to strike back...especially her.

"Time for a little payback, Jonah," Kinga announces from Moon 13 to Jonah, Crow and Servo at the Satellite of Love one day in December. "Behold the CHRISTMAS GAUNTLET!!! Six examples of cinematic horror for the holidays, and there is no..."
"Wait," Jonah says, "we only have three Christmas movies in MST's history, four if you count 'Jack Frost'"
"Well, I don't," Kinga grunted. "It's a dumb winter Cinderella story."
Hands on hips, with hair bones sharper than her mind, she wonders how she can have a gauntlet with three movies.
Then Synthia shows up. "You know," she tells Kinga, "we could steal from the library of our arch enemies."
"Don't say the R word, I keep telling you that," Kinga yells. "I hate those guys over there, Nelson, his fat friends and chirpy wife, Granny Pearl working over there, too. OK, look over what they have, and give me a list. We've done that the past two years, so what's the difference?"
"Will do."
"I'll deck your halls with nightmare-filled boughs of horror, Heston. You'll pray for death via Yule Log!" You'll beg for Hallmark Channel movies! YOU'LL KNOW DEEP HOLIDAY HURTING!!!", as Kinga leaves laughing maniacally.
"Yes, Heston," Synthia says, "you'll suffer. Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...OK, she's gone."
Jonah is puzzled, "Synthia, whose side are you on?"
"My side, of course. I am Pearl 2.0, when I want to be."
"What are you saying?", Servo asks.
"Well, we'll give Kinga her Gauntlet, but you can help out. You know plenty about MST's history, and I know a lot about Rifftrax. We can come up with a list that'll please Evil Pebbles over there, but don't let on. We are still tour buddies, after all."
"Thanks, tour buddy," Crow says.
"OK," Synthia says, "but let's make sure it seems evil"
"That may not be a problem," Jonah says. "I think Rifftrax has holiday movies about as creepy as the ones we've seen."

With that, Kinga got two Gauntlets, the one she gave Jonah, Crow and Servo, and the second one after the first one didn't cause enough harm.

1. Santa Claus (MST Version)

This was the first exposure for most to a Mexican movie that features Santa, who doesn't play a big part in the holiday season down there. Still, it's an odd look on how he prepares for Christmas Eve with kids instead of elves, and his showdown with Pitch, a devil that's a bit too greasy. Santa hopes to bring a doll to a poor little girl, and teach the parents of a rich boy that Christmas should include their son. The host segments include a nice holiday song, the famous JOIKE sweater and a family reunion that doesn't work out

2. Rifftrax Christmas Shorts-stravaganza

This holiday treat from 2009 was the first big theater event that led to its ten-year run of riffing movies nationwide. It includes some strange holiday shorts, including Christmas from the point of view of the tree, and a pre-Rankin/Bass version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This includes Kevin's famous flub that derailed the riff and made it better.

3. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, Rifftrax (Thumbelina version)

If there's a holiday version of Manos, this is it. We see elves singing while making toys, blissfully unaware Santa's stranded on a hot Florida beach because his reindeer flew away. It's hard to say which is more absurd: his song about his plight, or what the kids try to do to get him off the ground.
Then he stops to tell the story of Thumbelina, as dramatized at a long-forgotten amusement park called Pirates World. This was made by Barry Mahon, who also made some racy movies along with "Rocket Attack USA" (riffed on MST in 1990).
After the story, Santa gets rescued by the not-at-all known Ice Cream Bunny, complete with fire engine. Part of its route is, of course, Pirates World. Santa's Christmas is saved, which may explain why his sleigh disappears at the end. By this time, so has the audience.

4. Christmas That Almost Wasn't (MST3K, 2017)

Of course, the current series should be represented. It's about Santa facing homelessness because he can't pay the rent, and his landlord, Mr. Prune, is meaner than Scrooge. Santa actually has to get a job being, well, himself at a department store, but Prune rigs it so Santa will be without a home. A bunch of kids save the day by stealing the ending of another holiday movie.
The host segments include Kinga being about as un-cheery as you can get. Santa does show up (although he looks suspiciously like Joel Hodgson).

5. Santa's Village of Madness  (Rifftrax, 2014)

This trio of shorts features a bunch of animal mascots who supposedly live with Santa on the North Pole. They were actually part of K. Gordon Murray's kid's movies back in the 1960's. There's a slight connection with the Santa Claus movie Murray imported to the USA.
What's interesting about the shorts is that they have the exact same opening credits. Only the titles are different, if not the plots. They were actually made at Santa's Village parks in the Midwest and Califonia. The third short is maybe the strangest, because the "writers" decided at the last minute to threaten Santa with an ogre that's off-camera. Its defeat is also off-camera but the closing song would have also defeated the ogre because it is THAT painful to hear.

6. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (MST3K)

The one, the only, the original. As Santa preps for his Christmas ride, some people from Mars want to kidnap him because apparently Christmas cheer is needed there, too, Two kids from Earth get involved, of course, along with a goofy comedy relief named Droppo.
However, it's the host segments that make it a classic, including "Patrick Swayze Christmas"and Joel and the Bots reading essays about Christmas and Gypsy getting the true meaning without a word.

After this Gauntlet dented but didn't defeat Jonah and the Bots, Kinga is about to give them Hallmark Channel movies. However, she's interrupted by a big hulking guy in chains.
"Oh, no, Marley's Ghost has come to....wait, I don't know anyone named Marley," she says. "Donna, is this one of yours?"
"Sorry," Dr. Donna St. Phibes says. "He's Murray from 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die.' You  know, the guy Dr. Cortner was building in his transplant experiments."
"Yes, I remember," Kinga says, "I notice his face is still tied to the back."
"Well, I think he wanted to scare you after seeing the Christmas Carol movie with Alistair Sim."
"Murray also sorry," Murray says (yeah, he can talk now after more than 50 years). "Murray wonders what Kinga got against those guys."
"Hey, it's what I do. Take him away, Donna," Kinga says. "He's the man in your life, not who I suspect you want."
"Oh, what do you mean?", Donna says, obviously being cagey. She leaves, but Kinga seems to hear something from Murray that hints he may be playing dumb, too.
"Well, it seems you're familiar with these movies," Kinga says to Jonah. "So here's another Gauntlet for you guys. I can guarantee you a couple of these selections will give you slightly deep hurting. Some of the others are alternate versions of what you just saw."

The second gauntlet begins with...

1. Santa Claus (Rifftrax Live version)

Kinga thinks Jonah and the bots get an extra jab by showing them the uncut movie, which includes more of Lupita's dream where some Raggedy Anitas try to tempt her into stealing a doll, and a lot of padding that's mainly Merlin trying to walk across the room.
It's preceded by one of those "At Your Fingertips" shorts, where this time kids are advises to mold sugar into many shapes. Basic Diabetes bombs.

2. Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas (Rifftrax)

Kinga wasn't eager to give the guys this selection, but she hopes the shorts will do some damage. Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl celebrate the holidays in their own special way with holiday images. The first one features a Castle Films version of "Scrooge"with Alistair Sim, Dean Martin singing, and "The Little Lamb" and how it gave Jesus his first gift.
The second version has a short about carving turkey that includes Harvey Korman plus some commercials and home movies given to them from a prop maker named Beez

3. I Believe In Santa Claus (Rifftrax)

When Kinga discovered this 1984 film from France (thanks to Synthia's "help"), she was certain it would be worse than Christmas That Almost Wasn't. She's right, because it's about a young boy who wants his parents to be with him at Christmas. One problem: they've been kidnapped by African terrorists, and the government isn't eager to get them back.
Thanks to the fool-proof method of wishing really hard, the boy along with a young girl wind up in Finland to ask Santa to save them. He also gets a Christmas fairy named Mary Ellen to help him, and she looks suspiciously like the boy's teacher. Santa and Mary Ellen transport themselves to Africa, and they look totally ridiculous in the desert.
Since this is a holiday movie, of course the boy and his family are reunited.

4. Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey (Rifftrax)

So how did Rifftrax get this holiday special that Kinga is certain she saw when she was young?
Well, it's kind of a variation of the Rudolph story, except it stars a donkey who had very long ears but they come in handy when it helps Mary and Joseph get to Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus. The song was co-written by Gene Autry a couple of years before (same guy who sung "Rudolph"). It aired on ABC back in the '70s and '80s but clips of it can be found in YouTube. You can find it on DVD.
The reason why it may not be seen on TV is because it's kind of dark in the first half, since Nestor is mainly on his own in his journey.

5. Rifftrax Christmas Circus

This was an easy choice for Kinga, after taking one look at Whizzo, the star of the holiday special. It's a filmed version of the TV show he had in the 60's in Kansas City. Rather than try to describe the movie, which somehow involves a magic carpet and a time machine, here's a review.
It's preceded with a short about the short life of Christmas trees, and they have faces!

6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Cinematic Titanic)

This is where Kinga starts to suspect she's been tricked by Synthia, who suggested this last movie.
Kinga isn't happy to see Mary Jo riffing in this movie, or Trace and Frank either. She wonders if it's really Pearl, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank under assumed names. She's also puzzled seeing Dr. Erhardt there, too.
Still, she sends this movie to Jonah, figuring showing him this movie twice, but with different riffs, could throw him off. It doesn't.

When both gauntlets are done, Kinga fumes at Synthia.
"I should have known you would turn against me, Synthia," she says.
"Hey, I'm a clone of Pearl," she says," What did you expect?"
"Working with Jonah, too? C'mon"
"Well, these gauntlets don't really work because fans did these things when we weren't around.
Face it, Kinga, you can keep this experiment going, Netflix willing, but it won't be like the old days."
"Yeah, Synth?", Kinga says, "Tell that to some of the viewers from the old days. I am glad the newbies like us fine."
"Just hope Netflix will still want us, if not Daredevil."
"Well, better Netflix than....that third-rate David Blaine who made a fool of me"
"I know. Merry Christmas."

Kinga calls Jonah, scowls at him for a minute and yells, "BAH HUMBUG!"
"Hey, I apologize for surviving the gauntlets."
"You should! Stay away from Donna, too. She's bad news...for someone.....and....well, I should still say this, Merry Christmas, guys."
"Thank you," Jonah says."Merry Christmas to you too."
"Just remember, you're not getting a happy new year from me. After all, there's always movie sign...
I hope"
After that, she pushed the button.