Choose Your Rifftrax Holiday Double Feature

Rifftrax is wrapping up an very eventful year with its first holiday double feature with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 3.0 and the 2009 Shorts-Stravaganza from San Diego. However, true fans of MST, Cinematic Titanic and Rifftrax can make their own double-headers. Others may mix Rifftrax holiday shows with other holiday DVDs for a truly different experience,

In this case, let's stick to riffed holiday movies.

MST3K:  Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and Santa Claus

This is an obvious choice but for some reason one movie is tougher to get than another, Santa Claus, a holiday movie made in Mexico, is part of Volume XVI (the one with the free Tom Servo). However, Shout Factory has not re-issued SCCTM, which was only in the two DVD set MST3K:  The Essentials (the other episode being Manos). It can be found via Amazon or eBay, but it would make sense this classic episode be available again. At the very least, it should be on streaming video.

Both shows do feature new holiday standards, "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" and "Merry Christmas, If That's OK". Actually, they're quite different. The first one was a typical MST episode compete with holiday Invention Exchanges. The other one, though, is basically a spoof of "The Gift of the Magi" but it ends with a big showdown between Santa and Pitch, the demon who tries to ruin Santa's holiday. At least the crew exchange presents, including Gypsy's famous "Joike" sweater.

Cinematic Titanic:  Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and Rifftrax:  I Believe in Santa Claus

Before Rifftrax riffed SCCTM in a live show two years ago, Joel Hodgson and his Cinematic Titanic crew was the only group that had a post-MST3K riffed version of the movie. It was released in November 2008, and is available at eBay and Amazon. I reviewed the DVD, and noticed they updated the riffs a little. The best part, though, was before the movie, when Trace tried to run away and the mysterious staff who's trapped the crew had to drag him back.

The second feature was issued last year, and is probably one of the strangest holiday movies. A kid in France may spend Christmas alone because his parents have been kidnapped by an African warlord. He writes to Santa, hoping he'd get the parents back. Through a ridiculous series of events, the kid gets to meet Santa and a fairy queen who's a whimsical version of Safety Woman. It's pretty bizarre.

The  other suggestions are all Rifftrax videos.

Nestor The Long-Eared Donkey, Bridget and Mary Jo's Christmas and Magic Christmas Tree

This is a triple-header only because they're all much shorter than usual movies. The first is a Rankin-Bass feature that's a little darker than its most famous creations including Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Nestor is clearly a knockoff on Rudolph, since he's mocked because of his really long ears. They do come in handy when he helps Mary and Joseph get to Jerusalem for the birth of Jesus. Instead of Burl Ives narrating, they had Roger Miller as the descendant of Nestor. It's a cute story, if you forget that at one point he and his mom are forced out into the snow, and she sacrifices herself to save her son. At least in Frosty the Snowman, he melts in a greenhouse but a cold wind brings him back.

The second feature was made last year by the Real Housewives of Rifftrax, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl. This duo is coming close to out-shining the main Rifftrax crew thanks to several shorts, Catwomen of the Moon, and Gravity. The 30-minute special has a heavily edited version of A Christmas Carol (which doesn't include "Bah, Humbug"), a car ad Mary Jo really likes, footage of Dean Martin, and a short about a sheep that keeps Jesus warm on the night of the Nativity.

The third feature looks like a sitcom. A little boy saves the cat of a spooky old lady, and he gets a magic ring and a special seed that produces a Magic Christmas Tree that talks. It also gives him three wishes, including the power to kidnap Santa. Somehow it leads to him being kidnapped by a big giant. They're at the Rifftrax website.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (both versions)

It's possible to see both versions in less than two hours. The riffing of Santa Claus being stuck in Florida because his reindeer ran away or something is the same in both versions. Those who prefer the more recent version last year may go that way, but others may look at the original with Thumbelina then see the live show with Jack and the Beanstalk (which has much better songs).

Santa's House of Madness and Santa Claus (2014)

The first feature is actually three shorts with the exact same opening credits that have weird-looking animals and Santa Claus. There's outtakes from Santa Claus, plus footage from two Santa's Villages in California and Indiana. The third short is mainly Santa "threatened" by an ogre, and it ends with a song that would have killed it.

The live riff of Santa Claus is actually the uncut version with Spanish opening titles, and it shows why MST3K decided to cut a lot of it out. When we see a shirtless blacksmith and Merlin taking too much time making sleeping powders and the Flower to Disappear, it's best to move past those scenes. However, the riffs they come up with are incredible, especially one where Santa flies with his wind-up reindeer.

If you can come up with other combinations, feel free, but this will be a start. Just make riffed holiday movies part of your holiday season.

Keep Circulating the Digital Downloads

"Keep Circulating the Tapes"

Any fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 knows those words are the command that spread the word about the comedy series that pitted a man and his robots trapped in space against really bad movies, educational shorts or movie serials. It was part of the closing credits for the first four years of the show, before The Comedy Channel/Comedy Central was much easier to get on cable.

Sure, doing such a thing would be costly, inclujding the price of the VCR, tapes and postage. Still, for many people, it was the only way to see Gamera, Jungle Goddess, and even Manos riffed to oblivion.

Now, tape trading has been replaced by a click of the mouse. Most episodes of Cinematic Titanic, featuring the original MST3K cast plus TV's Frank Conniff and Mary Jo Pehl (aka Dr. Forrester's mom), is available on Amazon video. Some Rifftrax movies are also available on Amazon Video or on the site itself. This, of course, includes fully-riffed bad movies and mp3 riffs on more recent movies including The Wizard of Oz and the Harry Potter series.

Most recently, Rifftrax has added some titles to iTunes, including Ghosthouse, Birdemic and The Guy From Harlem, for rent or download. That's along with the 76 MST3K titles also available on iTunes.

So instant gratification is better in our modern times, right?

Well, maybe. Aside from trying to get MST3K videos through the mail, I also traded tapes of wrestling shows that weren't the WWF. It was the only way I could see Owen Hart and Japanese wrestling (with ads, of course). I even traded with a guy from Canada to get episodes of Buffy for the first season and a half. The sense of anticipation made tape trading exciting. Now, it's all YouTube, Vimeo, and sometimes file trading. Rifftrax is starting to get wise that people may be making illegal copies of their stuff to give to others. That's why the gang says if someone got a Rifftrax mp3 or movie illegally, it would be nice to pay for it now.

So, maybe it's not a good idea to "keep circulating the tapes" anymore, for several reasons...money especially. Besides, why trade tapes when you're a mouse click away from an MST3K episode you haven't seen in years?
However, if there's an episode or special that's not available anywhere, not even YouTube, that could be an exception. I still have both versions of MST3K, the Home Game, which was The Day The World Ended. You can't find that on YouTube anymore, but CheesyFlix still has it. Getting it this way is a good idea, but since it was never released commercially, circulating these tapes would be OK...if you have them.
Come to think of it, circulating the VHS tape "MST3K Last Dance" which showed footage of the last show from 1999 would also be acceptable...since YouTube and CheesyFlix don't have it either.
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The Last Voyage of the Cinematic Titanic

At this theater in Glenside, PA, near Philadelphia, a handful of people will see the final voyage of the Cinematic Titanic. It'\ll be the last time where the original cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000, plus TV's Frank Conniff and former Mad Scientist mom Mary Jo Pehl will pummel bad cinema to the delight of others. They'll end their six-year run with a double feature: The Wasp Woman (pure, uncut Corman) and The Doll Squad (so cheesy a cable channel aired it...on purpose). By the way, I want to thank Tony Goggin for letting me use this photo.

It's hard to believe that six years ago we saw the first movie, The Oozing Skull, and we wondered if the MST3K alumni still had that way of mocking bad acting, writing, special effects and even editing. When it was first available, it had a modest DVD disc:

After about five minutes, we all thought, "Cool. Nailed It, We're back". Still, when Joel re-used an old riff about "The Mod Squad", and said he was old, we understood. The important thing was, the spirit of MST3K was revived through Cinematic Titanic. It was like the old days: a bunch of people trapped by nearly-evil forces, required to mock bad movies for some vague reason, then put away the results in a time tube. It's not exactly like being trapped in space, but it was the next best thing. It's too bad that when they switched to making DVDs of live shows, they didn't include an escape attempt in one of the DVDs.

The choice of the Keswick was also interesting, but I would have thought the last show could have been in the Uptown in Minneapolis, where a convention included a live riffing of "This Island Earth". Still, the CT tour has toured in an arena, classic theaters, and even New York City.

The fun of mocking movies continues through Rifftrax, which got into full gear a year earlier than CT, and Incognito Cinema Warriors XP, which started in 2008 and continues to do "host segments" more complex than MST ever did. Not bad, since it started as "something to sell on MySpace".
Heck, if you get the blu-ray version of The Heat, you get a commentary track of Joel, Trace and Josh, er, J. Elvis mocking Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy from start to finish. Sure, Trace and J. Elvis used to work for the director, but... (Note, I reviewed this, and it somehow became popular).

I actually met Joel, Trace, J. Elvis and Frank at a convention in San Jose in 2008 shortly after the first CT episode:

I thought this was a great moment, because I finally got J. Elvis' autograph, and got to meet my cable TV heroes. After all, when would I ever meet them again?

Well, it would be a lot sooner than I thought:

This was their first live visit to San Francisco, when they riffed on East Meets Watts (although back then they called it The Dynamite Brothers), and created the "Spit Take Heard Round the World" that's on the live version. I still have the ticket stub

Now, some of us get in the habit of riffing, even on good movies. I do that while I watch something like Frozen, American Hustle or even a movie that everyone but me has seen, like any Harry Potter movie.

Also, I try to "improve" on the riffing of others. My Rifftrax copy of that over-discoed-in-a-new-wave-world musical, The Apple, has great commentary, but I try to add to it. In the "Show Business" number, I wondered why Mike Nelson never noticed the whole routine was similiar to how Baz Luhrmann would have staged a Super Bowl halftime show. Also, in "Cry for Me," when Alfie does his big song outside his apartment window, I find myself singing, "I'm mad at Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore".
If I watch it again, maybe I could come up with a riff for Catherine Mary Stewart, who was the female lead who went on to Night of the Comet. That's not quite as surprising as the cast including a soap opera star (Finola Hughes) and a guy who helped create two reality shows (Nigel Lythgoe).
Yes, that's how I sometimes see movies, unless it's Gravity. That movie is riff-proof.
Note: the comment about Gravity is no longer true.

At least I was there for the final San Francisco show at the Castro. It's too bad the sound was terrible for the first half, The Doll Squad. After seeing it on TCM a few weeks ago, it's just as well, but I just couldn't come up with any good riffs.
That's why I am hoping that we'll get one last CT DVD of Doll Squad, Astral Factor or even Samson and the Seven Miracles. Just one more for the road, guys.

So, the final Cinematic Titanic show may lead to tears, laughs, and maybe a two-hour chant by the crowd, begging "Please Don't Go". Yet, it has to end, since the cast have new lives all over the country. Besides, Rifftrax and ICWXP will pick up the slack in their own way.
As long as there's an actor taking a role he doesn't have a clue to do convincingly (hello Johnny Depp), they'll be there. As long as there's cheesy, high-priced sci-fi and bad book adaptations, they'll be there. As long as Adam Sandler, Michael Bay, Tara Reid and James Franco are employed, they'll be there.

Besides, if the Eagles, Frank Sinatra, Cher and Brett Favre unretired, maybe the Cinematic Titanic will sail again in the seas of Video On Demand, Netflix and DVDs. We can only hope.

For now, Godspeed, Cinematic Titanic!

Cinematic Titanic's Secret Episode: The Heat Blu-Ray

What if you mixed Miss Congeniality with Lethal Weapon, and got the guy who directed Bridesmaids as the cook? You'd get The Heat, a different kind of buddy-cop movie that did very well at theaters.
Now, what would happen if you added three guys mocking it from beginning to end?
You'd get The Heat Blu-ray DVD, revealed as Cinematic Titanic's secret episode...or a secret episode by the original MST3K trio. Either way, all movie riff fans should get this DVD.

Sure, Sandra Bullock as the by-the-book FBI agent and Melissa McCarthy as a wild Boston cop produced a lot of laughs. However, the Blu-ray adds more laughs with a commentary track from director Paul Feig, and from McCarthy's fictional family. The best option, though, is hearing Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu and J. Elvis Weinstein commenting on it.

The riffs start at the opening 20th Century Fox logo ("You know you're a successful company when you've outlived your logo") to the ending credits where the trio explain how they know Feig (mainly because of Freaks and Geeks), which led to this.

They waste no time dissing Bullock, as FBI agent Ashburn leading a raid ("Don't shoot him. I want to adopt him and make him play football"), and McCarthy, as Officer Mullins, claiming she's the love child of a disturbing combination that not even Conan O'Brien could imagine in his "If They Mated" bit. Joel even compares her to the Tasmanian Devil. This is barely scratching the surface, too. They fire riffs on Samuel L. Jackson, They Live, the NRA, MASH, The Deer Hunter and Neil Sedaka. They also wonder how Feig could afford to include Jack White in the soundtrack. They also have classic comments about Bullock's driving, and the scene where both girls finally let their hair down after ordering a "Scotch and Tape".

I thought Bullock was too uptight and nerdy, but she makes up for it in the last 20 minutes or so. McCarthy really goes all out as the wild cop, and once you see her family it explains everything about her.
Even if you're not a fan of the comedy, hearing the original MST3K trio comment on it makes this Blu-ray one of the best entertainment bargains in years.

Cinematic Titanic: The Last Picture Show

More than five years ago, five members of Mystery Science Theater 3000 decided to riff on movies again. They started with a test show at Industrial Light and Magic, did a few DVDs, then took to the road. It fulfilled a need...a need for cinematic justice.

Now, while Rifftrax, the other major movie riffing movement, is still going strong, the CT guys are making their last tour. They attracted a sell-out crowd of 1400 at the Castro Theater in San Francisco this past Saturday (10/19). It was a little different from its previous visits, but still very funny.

Dave "Gruber" Allen, who recently posed at the Really Groovy Pope on Conan, did a fine job filling in for Josh (J-Elvis) Weinstein, who is still ill but hopefully will be back for the grand finale. Aside from two very funny lip-synch performances, he also took Cinematic Titanic to the next level...live drama!




Here with the former Forresters, Mary Jo Pehl and Trace Beaulieu, they perform the final scene from A Doll's House in a very Midwestern way. The best riff: "Oh, Torvald"...and Dean.



Then, Cable TV's Frank Conniff talks about how his career has changed, when he joined Totally Biased as a writer and budding Andy Rooney. He wanted to stay with Current after it changed to Al Jazeera America, and even pitched a show called "Sharia Law and Order." He also talked about bad pizza and artisan ice cream.



Then Joel Hodgson arrived to thank the fans for supporting Cinematic Titanic. He then went on to describe the 7 PM movie, The Doll Squad. Picture Angel's Revenge as produced by Russ Meyer, or someone who thought he was Meyer. Here's a sample:



The movie drowned out the riffs at first, but the sound mixing sounded better from my seat. Since this will be shown on the tour, the only riff you can expect is that the boat captain is mistaken for Catfish Hunter. They also got in some riffs on the government shutdown and the BART strike.



A lot of people wore MST3K and CT shirts, but this guy has the best costume with a Gizmonics jumpsuit and hardhat. His costume was impressive. There was also a woman dressed as Tom Servo, and a ticket taker who wore a Firefly sweatshirt. In the spirit of Halloween, we have this picture of the Castro Theater organist under the disturbing-looking Sketchfest spotlight



According to one person who stuck around for the 2nd movie (as reported at Satellite News), The Astral Factor, Trace had a short film where he plays "Dr. Eff" hoping to make a monster named Frank. That's one way to get around copyright infringement. Then someone asked a very complex question about an MST3K episode. Joel gave the only answer he could: "Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show"

I did ask Trace if there would be DVDs of The Astral Factor and The Doll Squad, and it seems there won't be. He confirmed that fact at the Satellite News site. I still tweeted a request to tape the final performance in late December. After all, if The Band did and created The Last Waltz, so can Cinematic Titanic. However, there is one "lost episode" that still exists: it's a commentary on the blu-ray of The Heat. That's right, people are riffing on a comedy that some people liked. There will be a review of this before the upcoming Rifftrax Live event this week, but some random thoughts about losing CT. Stay tuned.

Cinematic Titanic Gets Snakebit With "Rattlers"

It's been six months since Cinematic Titanic has released a new DVD of their live show, but the new one is another winner. This time, the crew takes on Rattlers, a story of a herpetologist battling psychotic rattlesnakes. The usual gang is here: Joel Hodgson, Trace Beauliew, J. Elvis Weinstein, Mary Jo Pehl and TV's Frank Coniff
You may notice the movie doesn't have credits aside from the title for the movie, Considering the fact the hero gets out-acted by the rattlesnakes and the rocks in the desert, that kind of makes sense. The movie and the riffing is a bit sluggish but, just like The Dark Knight Rises, it picks up in the final 15 minutes (as if the producers realize they have to end the movie because they have 15 minutes of film left).

Anyway, it starts with two boys wandering in the desert, looking for a "real live skeleton", and they jabber like crazy (Frank: "Jodie Foster was so cute when she was a little boy"). Instead of a skeleton, they find agressive rattlesnakes that bite them a jillion times.

Enter Tom Parkinson, herpetologist, and not unlike a "David Hartman action figure". Still, he's good at what he does. He even saves a fellow teacher from an escaped cobra with several waves of his hand. Tom soon heads to the Middle of Nowhere Sheriff's Department to investigate the death of those two kids.

While this is going on, other people die of snakebites in very embarassing ways. A teenage boy carrying a lantern inside a barn gets bitten, and he falls, setting the barn on fire. Meanwhile, his mom is surprised by several rattlenakes who thought they were there for a sleepover. There's also a housewife who gets bitten in the tub when several snakes break through the drain, and a plumber who finds out what's really clogging the pipes (Trace: "Get me, I'm a plumber's snake. I can write for Lopez").

Tom is soon joined by Ann, a liberated female photographer who spouts off about equal rights. He tells her that if he had his way her "liberated ass" would be at the Sheriff's Department. He apologizes later, but is also told about how her mom was worn down by working at a factory. Anyway, they soon figure out the snakes' attacks took place near an old Army base...with a deep, dark and stupid secret. It's called CT3, which Mary Jo says is Cinematic Titanic 3-D. Now that's a good idea, but which movie should have the honor?

Back to the movie: Tom and Ann later discover the big secret is actually hidden in a mine shaft, filled with snakes. They escape, and the experience drains all the feminism out of Ann. For no good reason, they escape to a romantic night in Las Vegas (Joel: "What doesn't happen in Vegas stays in this movie."). Why Miss Liberated Photographer would fall for Mr. Bland Snake Expert, we'll never know, and the movie is hoping you won't ask.
However, the mood is broken by an invasion of snakes, followed by an invasion of trigger-happy soldiers. Ann gets bit (J. Elvis: "Watch out for my pet turtle"), and Tom demands to find out what the Army base is hiding. Cut to a colonel burning incriminating records, and a medical officer looking like a drunk zombie. The ending is surprising, in a bad way, and also hints about, or rather threatens, a possible sequel.

The CT gang make jokes about John C. Reilly, Mel Gibson, David Carradine (again), a comment about teachers losing bargaining rights, Wikileaks, Squidbillies, and a callback to a classic MST3K riff. The movie also shows a lot of skin, and we don't mean the snakes. We mean a Playboy centerfold and a doomed housewife in a bathtub. That blimp that covered up nudity in Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks is nowhere to be seen.

The DVD includes trailers of other DVDs, plus a behind-the-scenes look at a recent show in Atlanta. It looks like the CT crew will stick to live shows, although I really miss the old premise where they were trapped somewhere, riffing on bad movies. I'm just nostalgic about the old days.
You can order DVDs and tickets to future events at cinematictitanic.com The Rattlers DVD is sold out, but it's expected to be available again.

Rifftrax Review: Galaxy Invader, or the Don Dohler Connection

Recently, Rifftrax released two new DVDs of movies that were previously available only online. Both are cheesy movies set in the backwoods, where just plain folk deal with situations that are beyond imagination, or at least theirs.

One movie actually has a connection with the other major movie riffing group, Cinematic Titanic. Galaxy Invader was written and directed by Don Dohler, who also made The Alien Factor, one of CT's live DVDs. Both are set in the rural part of Maryland, and involve an alien who crashes to Earth and causes severe havoc on the townfolk. Both also have a dramatic climax that makes you wonder "what the F", then suddenly end.

However, Galaxy Invader makes you root for the alien from start to finish. The reason is Joe Montague (Richard Ruxton), the protagonist for lack of a better term. He's scuzzy and drunk, and wears a t-shirt with a big hole in the middle. He often threatens his family with a shotgun. They include JJ (described as a 40 year old toddler by the Rifftrax gang), Annie, and Carol who has a boyfriend that daddy doesn't like. It's no wonder Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett came up with some really freaky riffs this time

Anyway, the Galaxy Invader guy lands in Redneck Valley, Maryland, and accidentally buzzes a car driven by David, a high school student. He calls Professor Tracy about it, and he decides to come later that morning. The alien wanders around as if he was Walt Disney finally defrosted ("Mickey, Goofy, your daddy is back"). He approaches a house, and kills the couple inside after they try to attack him ("Oscar the Grouch has gone Beserker").

Then we meet Joe ("It's like someone took Bill the Cat and made him human") and his family. In full daughter hunting mode, he sees the alien, and shoots his glowing ball off of his body. Joe calls his friend Frank Custer and his wife Vicki, and they discuss capturing the alien in a get-rich-quick scheme. They're also impressed that the ball creates fire by poking at it. However, JJ gets tased by the alien, who gets back his glowing ball. Jos is upset ("You make me wish your sister and I never had kids"), but he gets a few friends together to find the creature. David and Professor Tracy learn about the hunt, and they try to find the alien first.

Anyway, what follows is a lot of killing and chasing, and even attempted adultery, plus David and Professor Tracy trying to rescue the alien from Joe and Frank's clutches. Let's just say their plan ends badly. The riffs include references to OJ Simpson, Einstein, Press Your Luck, Larry Craig, Jeri Ryan, and how the Rifftrax employees respond to the smell of bacon. The story, such as it is, ends when Joe's wife finally puts an end to all this foolishness...permanently. Then in the final credits we hear Kevin sing about the ending, while the mascot, Disambodio, sings a lot about Bunky Hart.

So, what's the connection with Alien Factor aside from Dohler? Well, Don Leifert, who plays Frank Custer, was the alien professor who tried to rescue everyone in Alien Factor. We're not sure what happened to him between 1977 and 1985 for Leifert, because he looks very different. Richard Dyszel, who played Tracy, was the mayor in Alien Factor. George Stover, who was JJ, was also Steve from the coroner's office in Alien Factor. Also, remember the out-of-place scene in Alien Factor where kids playing with a ball suddenly find a green corpse? Two of them were in Galaxy Invader: Kim Dohler as Annie and Greg Dohler as David.

AND...there's one more thing: footage from Galaxy Invader was used in the introduction to Pod People, an MST3K favorite. Apparently Mike wondered how bad Galaxy Invader really was, and we all found out.

There is one difference, though. With Alien Factor, there are visual effects like when one of the locals turns into a green corpse and Zachary gets some info downloaded into his head from a dead alien. The only "special effects" in Galaxy Invader are fireworks being used as bullets from the alien's gun

The other new DVD is the Crater Lake Monster, basically what would hapen if the Loch Ness Monster was trapped in a lake in Oregon, and had to deal with two dumb guys who rented boats, among other things? I'll have more on that later this week.

Cinematic Titanic Returns..Finally..on DVD

It's been more than a year since Cinematic Titanic, one of the Two MST3K alumni groups, has released a DVD. The crew (Joel Hodgson, Trace Beauleau, TV's Frank Coniff, J. Elvis Weinstein and Mary Jo Pehl) have been busy touring the nation, spreading their mirth and movie riffing far and wide. They were even in my neck of the woods, namely UC Davis, but I couldn't make it.

Well, just in time for the holidays, the CT gang has the perfect companion to the Santa Claus Conquers the Martians DVD: War of the Insects, aka Genocide, a turgid Japanese drama that, according to Joel, is the type of movie that "needs a good Gamera attack". I saw the CT gang riff this movie live in August 2010 at the Castro in San Francisco. My review of that performance is here, but here's the plot: a cheating husband named George is seen with a foxy blond named Annabelle ("From eternity to here?") who is actually a mad scientist. She wants to unleash insects to destroy all humans. Meanwhile, A US Air Force bomber crashes after a huge swarm of bees attack it. No, really.
Another group of officers show up to look for the bomb, unaware they're already in a bomb...namely this movie. Add the fact George is arrested for murder, and his wife Yukari is pregnant, and you start wishing Godzilla would show up to put them all out of their misery.

This performance was taped in September 2011 in Minneapolis, the birthplace of modern severe movie criticism. Compared to the Castro performance, they added a lot of new jokes, and changed their anti-Glee riff. The first riff on what Michelle Bachman's first day as president was kept, along with J Elvis' haunting song at the end. I liked the DVD show more only because I could hear the movie better. Some of the highlights:

Charley, one of the Air Force guys, goes nuts when he sees a bee outside the plane:
MJ: His memories of watching the History Channel have haunted him forever

The owner of the bar is happy to see new customers thanks to the bomb search:
Frank: It's like a stimulus package with dead people.

Dr. Komura is still upset over being attacked by an insane Charley, who was laughing and shooting a pistol. "I don't understand at all.."
Joel: Who would ever vote for Rick Perry?

Dr. Nagumo allows himself to be bitten by the poisoned bees to see why they are attacking humans. He convulses, hallucinates and babbles like Charley
Joel: Insects, peppermint, meaningless nouns

Annabelle explains her plan to Nagumo: "Genocide. The extermination of man. That's what I've been waiting for."
Joel: That, and Star Wars on blu-ray (which finally happened a few days after this performance)

And Trace summing the whole thing up: I always thought the end of the world would look like Carrot Top.
There also also jokes about Piers Morgan, Monty Python, Bewitched and David Carradine.

Aside from the movie, there are clips of the live show, with audience members raving about it, along with trailers to Danger on Tiki Island, East Meets Watts and The Alien Factor. This may suggest they are abandoning studio shows, where they pretend to be trapped in an underground facility, forced to riff on bad movies for future generations for some reason or other. There is supposed to be a new DVD called Rattlers, where mutated rattlesnakes cause havoc.

You can order DVDs and get a schedule of their 2012 tour at cinematictitanic.com

Cinematic Titanic in San Francisco: It's Better Than Hippies

Well, Dave "Gruber" Allen said so, but he was probably joking.
Still, it's no joke that the Cinematic Titanic crew, one of the two major Faiths For Protesting Against Bad Movies In A Jovial Way (Rifftrax being the other), has an intense following in San Francisco. They just had their third visit to the Bay Area this past Tuesday, and second time at the Castro this year.



Some fans had CT t-shirts, but I think I saw a guy wearing a green furry jacket, as if he was Big Daddy Clayton Forrester.
And there's this guy....



He's in bliss wearing the Gizmonic uniform.

They had the basic opening act from crazy haikus from J. Elvis Weinstein and DVD's Frank Coniff's Convoluted Man, but had some interesting additions. Allen did a cool rap to introduce J. Elvis' rendition of "Year of the Cat," while DVD's Frank suggested that the movie version of Mamma Mia shouldn't have a sing-a-long version as Grease just did. What he did suggest...well, it's a bit more dark. He may repeat the joke, which is why I won't say it. Actually, what he suggested would be more appropriate for Glitter, Step Up 3-D, or even the Hannah Montana movie.

Now, the target for that night: it's called War of the Insects, but it was originally called Genocide. It's supposed to be a monster movie about how insects are killing people at a remote island. Cool, huh? Mothra-sized bees eating people?
Uh, no. Actually, it starts as a wartime drama where some Japanese guy named George cheats on his pregnant wife with a blond while the Army is looking for a missing H-bomb after one of its planes crashed. Also, a Black Air Force guy named Charlie freaks out after seeing a bee outside the plane, just before a few thousand more insects force the plane to crash. Oh, and George is charged with murder because he tries to sell a watch from one of the pilots.

After that, we get to see these characters interact aimlessly, even including the blond flirting with a Japanese doctor who's interested in the insects on the island. Suddenly, the action ramps up when we see the local insects sting two Air Force guys to death, while Charlie laughs uncontrollably while firing a pistol and molesting the pregnant wife.
Then we find out the blond has something to do with the insects attacking humans. Something about insects upset that man is destroyng itself with these H-bombs. Even the ending is creepy.

So, how does the CT crew react to a Japanese movie that makes them wish it was a Sandy Frank production? Well, they welcome the movie's first image of a bomb exploding with the words, "Sarah Palin's first day as president" (which is actually familiar if you change the name to Dan Quayle). At one point Joel Hodgson wished that Gamera suddenly came to attack anything. We get jokes about Dollhouse, Flavor Flav, Monty Python and LSD. At one point, two local hoodlums try to find the George, and Frank says "Crockett and Tubbs, Miami Rice".
Two jokes stick out in my mind. When the Doctor's nurse says "I don't understand", Trace Beaulieu says "Who likes Glee?" The other one was when the doctor carries a cross for Charlie's grave, Joel asks "there are vampires, too?"
As for the creepy and bleak ending, J. Elvis sings Tomorrow like you've never heard it before. Of course, the sell-out crowd enjoyed every minute of it. I think it was even better than the "Danger on Tiki Island" show a few months ago.

Afterward, the crew stuck around for autographs. Since I have lots of their autographs already, I just talked to them. I told Frank I noticed they were using iPads for their scripts, and he said it wasn't a big deal. He's right, since TV stations are starting to replace scripts with iPads. I asked J. Elvis about future DVD plans, and he said that was up in the air. Personally, I wished they'd go back to the time tube with War of the Insects, since its end-of-the-worlds message would be appropriate. They can also claim the live tour is paying for the shadowy group's plan. The only other "new" movie that's part of the tour is Samson and the Seven Miracles, from the old East European school of fantasy that produced The Day The Earth Froze.
And..I got a new photo with Joel...



Finally, I thanked Ron DeGroot for getting me a guest ticket for this, after I had that entry for the "what happened to Pearl?" contest on another MST site. He assured me the CT and Rifftrax groups truly support each other. That stoked my hopes that we'd have a super-riff doubleheader as the entire MSTverse takes on Eclipse and Jonah Hex..or maybe a Godzilla movie that was never released here.

For now, I'll be waiting for my next Rifftrax DVDs, and also watch Star Trek 2009, fully riffed. I'd never bother with the Twilight movies unless I got those movies at gunpoint.

New from Cinematic Titanic: "Danger on Tiki Island"

There seems to be a split on whether the Cinematic Titanic crew should stick to live shows, or go back to the traditional route where they have to riff on movies for future generations because of some electron scaffolding or other. For all we know, some ex-Gizmonic employees are trapping Joel and the gang because they feel threatened by a group who they think will destroy life as we know if....RIFFTRAX!!
I just dare them to come out and say that.

That being said, the latest live DVD, Danger on Tiki Island, is now available. Once again, this is from their Largo Theater performances in Los Angeles. We'll try to describe the plot while tossing out a few choice riffs from the show:

A handsome Peace Corps volunteer is joined by Dr. Henderson and her undersexed wife on a trip to a tropic isle. While the natives look at their new visitors ("Native #2, he's got an Igloo cooler"), the doc wants to examine how nearby atomic bomb testing has affected the area ("This guy's like Bob Goulet after a Grand Slam Breakfast"). She wishes the doc would examine her in fairly obscene ways, The Peace Corps guy just wants to help the natives.
Anyway, they soon find out the natives have reverted to primitive ways. They have a Shirley Jackson lottery to choose who will be sacrificed to the forest monster who is now their god ("Sigmund the Sea Monster, NOOOO!"). Peace Corps guy falls for one of the natives named Alla, and we see a mysterious rich guy called Estaban ("Juan Stamos?"), complete with mysterious accent. He lives in a mansion run by very small natives who care often compared to Oompa-Loompas.

There's plenty of walking scenes, with the only excitement coming from the trees who sometimes attack passers-by with their branches ("I'm sorry I forgot Arbor Day")...then turn back into normal trees suddenly. Once one of the trees get violent, the tribe decides more sacrifices, and this time Alla's chosen. Peace Corps guy objects, and he takes her away. He goes to Esteban's mansion, where the doc and horny wife are staying.

Later that night, the doc's wife is unable to arouse him ("Is he playing dead or playing gay?"). She tries to seduce Esteban while he's sleeping, but his manservant Goro interrupts her. She tries again the next night, but gets lost in the violent forest. She then meets the monster, who's basically a pickle mascot gone horribly wrong. Let's just say her wishes do come true but in a horrible way ("Oh, she's thinking about it").

The doc gets Peace Corps guy to help him find his wife, but Goro battles the doc in a terrible fight scene that's more like Tom DeLay's performance in Dancing With the Stars.
This, of course, leads to the final battle, and the slightly shocking truth about the monster. Joel, of course, gives the perfect description of this movie: Roger Corman's South Pacific.

There are flubs, especially from Frank, but having the CT crew riff live makes it more real. We wish these guys would be included in showings of lousy movies, with them giving their comments from the wings. Imagine what they could do to the Twilight movies or Jonah Hex....or 99.999999999999 percent of romantic movies. While we may have another studio DVD in the future, having these guys live would be great, too. The Rifftrax guys are already seeing how live shows can work, thanks to their special theater shows in the past year which are also available on DVD (especially the Christmas show from 2009).

The DVD also has interviews with the crew, who say nice things about each other, and why they're back in the movie riffing game. We learn TV's Frank is quite a show biz expert, and has an interesting fan base. Of course, we also hear from the fans who can't get enough of watching bad movies get humiliated...and we never will.

A couple of years ago, everyone from MST3K got together for a special panel on the show at Comic-Con. We should have it again. We could have a riffing rumble, but I'm not sure if the CT crew would be the Sharks or the Jets. Then again, we could have a rumble where the CT's are the Torgos and the Rifftrax guys be the Krankors or Brain Guys. Now THAT should be shown in theaters across the country.

Until then, the CT live tour continues with shows in Ann Arbor, San Francisco and Los Angeles..and even more stops well into next Spring. I think the next target is a Japanese movie called War of the Insects. At least Sandy Frank didn't give us this movie.

At Last! The Latest Cinematic Titanic DVD Review

I've had the new Cinematic Titanic Live DVD for nearly a week, but I've been sidetracked by bobsleds and the best hockey game on TV since the Miracle on Ice.
Now, I've had the chance to look over the second live show, which is also from the Largo in Los Angeles when they had a three-day run there late last year.

I had thought they would have Danger on Tiki Island, which the CT crew wrestled with last month. Instead, they had The Alien Factor, which is about a small Maryland town being attacked by alien animals in completely embarrassing ways.
Or maybe the movie is the thing that is embarrassing. At least you can't blame Independent International Pictures on this tripe. It's locally owned, operated and filmed, and looks like it.

Aside from the aliens, there's political intrigue as the Mayor tried to get the local sheriff to hush the whole thing up, or the new amusement park won't be built. There's a reporter who is determined to find the truth, but likely can't find her car. There's a weird looking guy who apparently can handle these aliens, maybe a little too well. There's also long, thoughtful walks in the woods to pad whatever lack of drama the movie has.

Naturally, it's the riffing that makes the movie worth watching, because it illustrates why the movie wasn't worth making.
A sampling:

A "police" car responds to a guy getting killed by one of the aliens who looks like his skin was duct tape: "Has there ever in history been a two-door cop car?"

Some guys walk to the sheriff to offer their help: "It's Three Dog Night!"

A girl sees one of the aliens and tries to run away: "Even the film is trying to escape."

One of the locals gets zapped, then the film cuts to three kids playing with a ball: "Childhood syphilis can happen to anyone."

A local band sings to pad the film: "They're actually a tribute band to themselves."

A mysterious guy named Benjamin Zachery asks the Mayor to come in his house to discuss the aliens: "I was right in the middle of my Chevy Chase lessons, but come on in." (possibly a ripoff to a Mike Nelson joke from "Laserblast")

The Sheriff battles another of the aliens: a tall bulky fellow who looks like a cross between an ant and Bigfoot: "Dark Horse presents Godzilla vs. McCloud".

The climax involves Zachery battling the worst of the aliens...an Iguana ghost that's really an SFX shot so bad, it would make Ray Harryhausen throw up: "What has two arms, no legs and has made this movie even worse?"

The DVD, at least, has the guts to list the entire cast at the end, but for three seconds and in very small font. There's also a preview of "East Meets Watts", guaranteed to convince you to get this DVD, too.
As for the future, another live DVD is coming, most likely the "Danger on Tiki Island" movie. After that, let's hope they go back to the traditional style, including comedy bits to interrupt the movie. After all, the premise is they're riffing on bad movies against their will, like the other guys. We can't have them enjoy it, or we'd unleash them against Avatar or Transformers 2. Say....

Cinematic Titanic Back in the Bay Area

It's been nearly a year since Joel Hodgson, and his fellow MST3K alumni, visited San Francisco to entertain people with their clever way of mocking bad movies.
More than a thousand people at the Castro Theater decided to forget about getting Lost, and encounter "Danger on Tiki Island," another Independent International picture that carries on a movie tradition equal to Coleman Francis, Sandy Frank and Ed Wood. Yeah, that bad.

Apparently a scientist and his sex-starved wife encounter a monster who desires sacrifices from the local village. They are helped by a Fabian-ish assistant, a lot of short natives and a suspiciously handsome rich guy. The scientist, by the way, is played by Kent Talyor, the same guy who played the evil surgeon in the first CT classic, "The Oozing Skull."

I couldn't get all the jokes because the sound system wasn't as good as the one at the Marines Memorial Theater, where the CT gang appeared nearly a year ago. It's just as well, since the next DVD will be a live version of the same movie people saw at the Castro.



When that DVD is available in April, or at least that's what Joel told the fans after the show, we'll have comments on the doctor's face ("Mount Rushmore isn't that chiseled"), the natives doing Blue Swede's version of "Hooked on a Feeling", the doc's wife looking for sex ("Good God, woman, you've struck man"), and some of the midget natives being called "Filipino Time Bandits." As for the monster, Joel said it looked like the Michelin Man after a fiery car crash.



Aside from that, it was basically the same show as last year's event. Dave "Gruber" Allen was back, ready with a joke about Avatar and even one about a kid's magazine I hadn't picked up since I was 12.



J. Elvis Weinstein, the artist formerly known as Dr. Forrester's sidekick, joined in for some cool be-bop haiku.



Then we had TV's Frank Coniff, who talked about how a CHP officer stopped him, then let him off with a warning: don't see "Tooth Fairy" (wise cinematic advice, that). Afterwards, he went into his Convoluted Man routine.

Cinematic Titanic was the official end of this year's Sketchfest, which featured more comics than you can shake a rubber chicken or clown nose at. It's interesting Rifftrax was there in 2007, perfecting their "Plan 9 From Outer Space" routine that was quite the hit in theaters nationwide.
It was also great they chose the Castro for their second visit. It's probably the most impressive looking movie house around, aside from Grauman's Chinese and the Arclight Dome. Here's a link to some of the pictures inside the place, plus CT's appearance in 2009. To wrap up, here's two more pictures of the CT crew...





and a true MST3K fan, because he's wearing a shirt from its first convention from about 20 years ago.



Of course, the ultimate dream would be Rifftrax and the CT gang joining forces to meet its greatest challenge....riffing Avatar and both Transformers movies to submission.

Live from ...so what...it's Cinematic Titanic

Now that Joel Hodgson and his gang has escaped from the TimeTube, they wondered what would the first thing they'd do.
Then it came to them: they would gather at a small theater in Los Angeles, mock a lousy movie, and charge people to watch.
Hey, it worked a few dozen times, but this time they'd also tape it for DVD.

It took ten months to get "East Meets Watts", aka "The Dynamite Brothers", from the premiere in San Francisco to a DVD that's one of the unsung stocking stuffers this Christmas season
I've already made a report of the premiere in San Francisco. A couple of days, I got the DVD version. The plot, such as it is, is about a guy from Hong Kong who comes to California to find his brother. He meets up with a groovy cat named Stud Brown, as they battle racist cops and assorted hoodlums.

They set up the five members of the CT gang with Trace Beaulieu, Joel and Mary Jo Pehl on the left, with J. Elvis (Josh to me) Weinstein and TV's Frank Coniff on the right. I think the final product is merging three shots together, but it works out great. I wish there were close-ups of the cast, or even the pre-movie entertainment such as Frank singing "Convoluted Man".

Now a list of some of the riffs I didn't mention last February:

Larry arrives in San Francisco, and meets an unwelcoming committee..
"Go back to China"
Trace: But I'm from Sweden!

Larry and Stud hitch a ride on a moving truck, but are joined by some rednecks. One of them is wearing a hat that says "LB"
J. Elvis: "The "LB" stands for "Leanin' Backwards"

Then, after a girl named Betty gives them a ride to L.A.
J. Elvis This is how people get laws named after them

A gang clobbers the bouncer at Smiling Man's Bar
Frank: People commit violence just to get in. That's how good the onion rings are.

J. Elvis' comment on Stud and his mute girlfriend:
I haven't seen this much chemistry since the Rufus Wainwright/Ellen Degeneres production of "Love Letters"

Larry surprised by more Chinese hoodlums:
Mary Jo: They got the egg drop on him

And other weird comments like:
"The Coen Brothers, no!"
"Forget it, Jake, it's the Asian District"
And yes, the Spit-Take Heard Round the World is included

It'll be the best 20 bucks you'll spend, except for District 9, and actually seeing Up In The Air and Princess and the Frog at full price.

Then again, for 25 bucks, you can see the Cinematic Titanic gang live at the Sketchfest at the Castro in San Francisco. They'll take on Danger at Tiki Island, another Hemisphere Pictures "movie". It's been pummeled a few times, which means the commentary will be broken-in. There's still The Alien Factor to do as well. The big news is that the gang will take their tour to New York City in April.
And since they made it everywhere, they'll make it there, too (instead of the other way around).

Cinematic Titanic: Mexican Vampires, Made In Manila

Recently, I've been seeing bad Italian horror movies being riffed by Cinematic Titanic and Incognito Cinema Warriors XP. These films are a unique breed, combining breasts with blood. Where else can a horror fan ogle a naked girl who either makes monsters or is carried off by one?

Thanks to CT, though, I found a even stranger movie: a Filipino vampire movie set in Mexico, where some of the actors are in blackface, and the evil demons are defeated by the full force of the Catholic Church. These, and more, are part of Blood of the Vampires. This was one of the two movies riffed during the recent live tour. I don't know how the riffs in the recent DVD release compares to the live showings, but it's safe to say there's not much difference.

The movie was released by the same people who gave us The Oozing Skull. You can tell that because the soundtrack for that movie is the theme for B of V. Right off the bat, the crew is in gear, noting the titles are trying to escape, and Josh noting "Gerardo de Leon, he's the guy who discovered the Fountain of Sh*t", which apparently is this movie.
The story is about the cursed Escordero family. The head of the family, Don Enrique, doesn't want his two kids, Eduardo and Lenore, to be married to their respective loves, Christina and Daniel (who basically doubles as a mannequin, as does Eduardo). The reason is there's a deep dark secret in the basement. It's so horrible, dad wants the house burned to the ground when he dies. Eduardo demands the truth, and Don Enrique reluctantly shows him through a secret room behind a painting (Josh Weinstein: "I predict this is the first of many times that this film goes into a wall."). In the basement, they find mom in a coffin...waking up! That's right, she is a vampire (Mary Joel Pehl: "Even in death, she needed a shave."). Lenore also finds out about the secret in a very embarrassing way, even for this movie. She decides to break up with Daniel, but he maybe talks her out of it. We don't know.

Then, Eduardo makes the mistake of visiting Vampire Mom, and taking off his crucifix to show his good will. Mom goes for the neck, and now Eddie's a vampire, too. He also has the best demon teeth in the whole movie. Still, Eduardo has to face it, as Trace Beaulieu says, "I got a hickey, FROM MY MOM!!" It isn't long before he makes his girlfriend Christina a vampire, too, and later his wife. Hey, he might as well...
Don Enrique is unaware of all this before he spots his vampire wife wandering around again, looking at Lenore's neck. He stops her, and she escapes so quickly "she's like an unholy Usain Bolt. (DVD's Frank Coniff with that one)" The "black" manservant does kill her with a wooden stake, and they burn her body. (Joel Hodgson: "That's the way I want to go, Kirk Douglas, Viking style."). Don Enrique goes to tell Eduardo, just in time to get killed by his vampire son.

As for Lenore, she fears she'll die the way mom did, but Daniel the Mannequin says they should run away together. They do, but their stagecoach has been damaged by Eduardo, and they both die, or one of them dies, or something.
Oh, Lenore lives while Daniel is dead, according to her vampire brother. However, that doesn't stop Daniel from visiting her as a surprisingly solid ghost. It also leads Eduardo to lust after her sister or at least her neck. This leads to one of the best riffs in this movie...

Mary Jo: Brother-sister vampire action? It's not right and it's not hot.
Josh: Would it help if they put one of them in blackface?

Ah, yes, some of the cast are put in blackface to show they are servants to the lighter-skinned not-Mexicans. The CT crew have quite a time mocking this decision, especially when they identify three "black" servants together as "the Jolsonettes".

But back to the movie: this soon leads to a battle of the undeads for Lenore's soul. Daniel even has an alleged sword fight with Eduardo. This doesn't stop Eduardo, though, from biting a servant right in front of his vampire wife. Tsk.
Meanwhile, Lenore digs up Daniel's body to see he is really dead. Then, the vampire family and the undead Jolsonettes arrive to feast on her body.
Finally, we get the typical unruly crowd with torches, ready to storm the house of evil that as Casa Escodero. Not only that, they have priests and nuns from every church in "Mexico" storming the place. This leads to a series of religious riffs that may upset or amuse the average Catholic. Daniel the ghost also shows up to deal with now-undead Lenore. This leads to a riff that sums up how ridiculous a Filipino movie about Mexican vampires really is. I won't repeat it because this is an obvious way to get you to buy the DVD.

Aside from the movie, we have a couple of host segments. The supervisor for the CT group talks about a "data spill" in the Copolla tank. The other segment apparently shows the crew in the middle of power drinking. Considering the movie, it should have started after the credits. Anyway, Frank claims he hasn't had a drink in 22 years, but will make an exception. Then he gets a call on his cell that freaks him out. Again, get the DVD, and you'll see why.
Actually, I've noticed the CT crew only does one "host segment" per DVD, rather than two in the earlier releases. Compare that to the ICWXP gang, who go out of their way to attack a bad movie just like MST3K at its prime with at least three host segments.

While this was another winner, I am hoping they can get the DVD for Dynamite Brothers released soon, probably around Memorial Day. I did see that movie in the live tour in San Francisco. If the crew at least kept The Spit-Take Heard Round the World, it will be worth it.

Cinematic Titantic Live in San Francisco

I could try to import my MySpace blog on the show Saturday night at the Marines Memorial Theater.

Instead, just visit this link, and it will get you there.

The Second Riffing of Santa and the Martians

When Cinematic Titanic revived the traditional style of insulting movies hat are themselves insults to cinema, some have wondered if the brave crew would dare revisit one of its past traumas, I mean, movies. Could they dare riff on Manos again? Monster-a-Go-Go? Pod People?

No....they had to take the ultimate risk: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Joel Hodgson had thought about taking a second look at one of the movies he and the bots riffed on in the MST days. Just in time for the holidays, this looked like the ideal choice. The crew tried it out in St. Louis before a live audience, although the DVD was probably made before then. Considering the fact that half the jokes in the original would be lost on the younger fans, a new version would be needed.

We know the story: Martians come down to Earth to kidnap Santa so he can bring his Yuletide cheer to Mars. This inspires some Martian named Dropo to become Santa himself. This movie makes Four Christmases, or even Home Alone, look like It's a Wonderful Life.

Now, how do SCCTM 2.0 translate on screen? Well, when the crew is told, Trace tries to run away, while TV's Frank says "Stop calling it a film. We know better."

I'll start with comparing riffs from certain moments in the film.

When Santa is asked if he'll trade his sled for a rocket, he says "we're going out the good ol' fashioned way...."

MST: Guns a' blazing
CT: hammered.

Chochem explains Martians need Santa because "We have no children on Mars. They have children's bodies with adult minds..."

MST: like Drew Barrymore
CT: like Dennis Kucinich

Kimar meets Billy and Betty on Earth: "We're from Mars. Don't be afraid. We have children just like you."

MST: only they're worse actors
CT: We eat them

There is one example where I think the MST riff is much better. This is when Billy told the Martians they'll never kidnap Santa: "You won't get away with this, you....Martian."

Josh from CT: "I can't believe he dropped the M-bomb like that".
MST: "Santa's gonna cut you, man. Santa's a blade man, man."

But that's just me.

Other riffs in the second version have their charm. When the Martians use an air blaster to freeze Mrs. Claus: "Now why can't they do that to Ann Coulter?"

When Dropo starts dressing like Santa: "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, I wish I had a gun."

The Martian kids are told to go to bed: "Being a Martian is a bigger drag than being a Mormon"

Oh, and the final scene where Volmar is defeated by a toy attack...the MST version compared it to several scenes, such as the pie-throwing scene in The Great Race and the orgy scene in Caligula. All Mary Jo said about it is "OK, it's official. They made me hate fun", while Joel said it was as if "Barbarella and Jane Fonda had a big stupid mustache."

My suggestion: see both versions. That will drive you to egg nog, as long as it's 5% egg and 95% nog, but it would be worth it.

Also, I got the Rifftrax DVD featuring some of its most popular shorts. It's also a great diversion from the typical cheesy holiday specials that are not Rudolph, Frosty or Jimmy Stewart. It also includes a new way to riff: the crew takes on a safety film called Shake Hands With Danger, but you see Mike Nelson, Kevin Nelson and Bill Corbett as CGI avatars. Mike is still human while Kevin's a living popcorn box and Bill's a parrot. It's quite a different experience than seeing them in silhouette mocking bad cinema. Check it out!

Heirs to the Satellite of Love

Four weeks from now, it will be the 20th anniversary of the first episode ever of Mystery Science Theater 3000...and I will be celebrating it hopefully in Culver City and in a movie house on Sunset Boulevard. I will pause to toast the Satellite of Love, and its efforts to avenge movie goers who had to endure bad movies.
Before that, I will have the 20th anniversary DVD set, complete with Crow figurine, from Amazon. Although the four movies featured are already in my library, the extras are worth the price, especially the Comic-Con event featuring everyone from the show. It marks the first time, and maybe the last time, the living history of MST3K is in one room. The crew has since split into two groups, Cinematic Titanic (featuring the cast from KTMA and season one, plus TV's Frank and Mary Jo "Pearl Forrester" Pehl) and Rifftrax/Film Crew (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett).

I thought it would be interesting to compare how these two groups approach the traditional method of ripping bad movies apart.

Mike Nelson was first with Rifftrax, when he discovered if you recorded a "commentary" for any movie, new or old, and put it in your iPod, the variety of targets, I mean movies, grows dramatically. That's why we will all skin Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull alive just in time for Christmas--or should. Before that, he, Kevin and Bill came up with the Film Crew series, which was supposed to be released by Rhino in 2005 until Jim Mallon stopped that plan. They went to Shout! Factory instead in 2007. Only four movies were riffed, and they were of the sort of stuff you'd see skewered on MST3K: bad seedy drama (Hollywood After Dark), cheesy sci-fi (Killers from Space), sword and sandal (Giant of Marathon) and just plain oddball (Wild Women of Wongo). They also went towards things that were familiar to them, such as Peter Graves and Steve Reeves. They didn't have skits like MST3K, but they did have interesting lunch breaks. The DVD extras did have comedy bits related to the movie.

After that, they concentrated on Rifftrax, which now has a wide variety of targets, even Heroes (which has been asking for it lately) and Lost (which hasn't any more). They've also added some pre-riffed shorts, just like the MST days.

To spread the word about Rifftrax, they did live shows. I was at a couple of them in San Francisco and San Diego, and both were hits. The need for Man to strike back against bad media is eternal, and these guys know that in spades. What's more, even good movies that are cheesy enough to be riffed are not safe, not even 300 or Iron Man. I bought the Rifftrax for both, and have every intention to checking them out. I should get the Lost pilot, too. That will be for later.

Anyway, it was almost a year ago that Joel Hodgson started a blog announcing that he would revive the tradition of MST3K with Cinematic Titanic. He says it was due to the fact that people were buying the DVD's, either released by Rhino or circulated through other means, and that fans were keeping it alive. Of course, that would include Film Crew, which had just released its last disc, and Rifftrax. Anyway, after a tryout at Lucasfilms Studios, they released their first movie, The Oozing Skull. They riffed in silhouette, just like the old days, although the arrangement was different. On one side was Josh (J. Elvis) Weinstein), Joel and Mary Jo, and TV's Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu (Clayton Forrester) and the other. Aside from that, it was like old times.

The premise, however, is different: apparently they are chosen by some group or other to protect the "digital scaffold" or all digital media will be destroyed. Lately, the crew is getting a bit skeptical about this explanation, especially since someone has put a tank in front of the main exit. Aside from that, it's riffing on bad movies, just like the old days, whether it's cheap sci-fi (Doomsday Machine), even cheaper horror (Legacy of Blood) or Roger Corman (Wasp Woman). They also have skits in the middle of the movies. Sometimes they feature dead musicians, or an over-reacting security force who hates gum.

The business model is also a little different. Cinematic Titanic is family owned-and-operated from the start. You can download the DVD, or get the fancy version if you don't trust your computer to burn the movie to a blank DVD. Besides that, you get a nice note from the crew with the DVD, complete with autograph. They fulfilled their plan to release four movies this year, and plan to do so again in 2009. Like Rifftrax, they also got their act together and put it on the road. They recently appeared in Minneapolis, slamming something called "Blood of the Vampires". They will be visiting St. Louis next week and Chicago a month later. Who knows that movie they'll bring? I just hope San Francisco, where it more or less began, will be on the itinerary soon.

For now, it looks like CT and Rifftrax can exist in good-enough harmony. CT can maintain the traditional method of slamming bad movies, while Rifftrax can be the "home game", where people rent or buy the DVD, then download the commentary for their iPod or similar device. Everybody wins.

But is there room for those who think they can riff with the best of them? The best example is Incognito Cinema Warriors XP out of Missouri. A guy named Rikk Wolf is trapped in a movie theater surrounded by zombies, and has to endure bad movies with two robots...only this time one looks like Twiki's grandson while the other is a popcorn machine. They had four movies planned out, but have released two of them. One was Bride of the Gorilla, which is about as close to an MST copy as you can get, except for the laugh track (which is only on the original copies), and Lady Frankenstein, which is racier than MST could ever dare to be. I found these guys in YouTube, which is already loaded with MST wanna-bes. One of them, Josh Way, has been recruited in the ICWXP army. They've had problems with equipment and severe storms, but hope to release more movies soon, and much quicker. It already has the support of Mike Nelson, who has featured ICWXP in his iRiffs section.

Rest assured that if there's a movie out there that's so bad, it's awful, someone out there will avenge those movie goers who were unlucky enough to spend 12 bucks on it, or a little less. Maybe when November 24th rolls around, someone will mention the fact that it's the 20th anniversary of MST3K. If not, we should remember them, the crew and the mad scientists who delivered the bad movies to us. Seeing Manos, Bride of the Monster, Laserblast, Hobgoblins, or even a Rifftraxed Iron Man while nibbling on that turkey drumstick will be the best way to honor the Satellite of Love, and all that it stands for.