Rifftrax Live: The TimeCop Is Our Friend

 
If it's August, it must be time for Rifftrax in theaters.
This year, Mike, Bill and Kevin took on a cheesy drama from the '90s which mixes Time Chasers with martial arts. It's TimeCop with Jean-Claude Van Damme. At least here, he's not dealing with some punk kid who gets help from the ghost of Bruce Lee. 

He's a cop who decides to join a special group that uses time travel to stop crime. It doesn't like people going back to 1929 to buy stocks that survive the Wall Street Crash. That's actually a plot point.

The bad guy is Ron Silver, who uses time travel to get gold from the Civil War to pay for his presidential campaign. He even meets his nerdy younger self to make sure he succeeds. He has henchmen, of course, who also time travel to eliminate "threats" like JCVD. 

Van Damme joins the group after said time-traveling henchmen kill his wife and blow up their house. That doesn't mean she's out of the movie, since she'll show up a couple more times after she "dies"...and we don't mean like in Space Mutiny.
By the way, his wife is played by Mia Sara. She's best known for Ferris Bueller's Day Off but was in The Life of Chuck recently.

Once Van Damme goes time-traveling the plot really gets confusing, and you wonder how the henchmen keep showing up or how Silver suddenly owns the cops. You also wonder why Van Damme's wife has to climb the roof while newly pregnant. Still, what counts is that Van Damme forces purse snatchers to read his shoe, kicks a lot or does the splits.
Oh, and this was pointed out on Facebook, but the boss was played by Bruce McGill who was D-Day in Animal House. It's safe to say D-Day's parade car was less ugly than the cars in fake year 2004.

What really steals the show is a short called "Our Friend, The Policeman." (Link is here)  It talks about how great a policemen is, and how he's our friend and such. In fact, there's a LONG song about the greatness that is a policeman. It'll drive you to the nearest Tylenol bottle. 

Not only that, for the first time, I got my name in the credits. Of course, I had to buy my spot, but it is worth having it at least once. There's another list where the font is MUCH smaller, but this time it was quite readable to the people in the theater audience. Anyway, here's my piece of Rifftrax
history:


                                           

Now, time for the riffs:

The title shows up
I want your badge and your gun on my desk yesterday

Silver's henchman tries to rob Civil War soldiers with machine guns from the future
If this had happened during Ken Burns' Civil War, I wouldn't have fallen asleep.

Two suspicious guys follow Van Damme
Was that Penn and Teller?

Old Ron Silver meets Young Ron Silver
Is my naughtiest fantasies coming true?

"You're not Max"
You have no Headroom

Van Damme avoids electrocution by doing the splits on a countertop
Get your groin off the waffles

There's also riffs on Handmaid's Tale, The Utah Jazz, that policeman short, Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Boy Scouts.

The DVD for the show should come later this fall. You can enjoy the other live shows at rifftrax.com. 

Rifftrax Kickstarter 2025: STOP! In the Name of Time

 

Well, Rifftrax is moving on up when it comes to getting movies for live shows.

After getting Point Break with REAL ACTORS, they've done it again with Time Cop with Jean Claude Van Damme. It's a cheesy 90s sci-fi movie, but it did fine. It's almost a cult classic.
This time, they're asking 350 thousand dollars. Once again, they hit that goal in less than two days.
This time, I decided to splurge to get my name on the screen...just once. It also means I get a pin, shirt, blu-ray...and a Christmas ornament of a lion who says he can eat candy.
Yes, from THAT cheesy Christmas short they had a while ago. 
WORTH IT!

So, what is this "time cop"?

Actually, it's a more physical version of Time Chasers. Jean-Claude plays a guy whose wife is killed. He later becomes a police officer of sorts, going back in the past to find people from the present to change history and also profit from it. The bad guy is a senator called Aaron McComb, played by Ron Silver. He figures time travel is a great way to get fast cash for his presidential campaign. Thing is, wouldn't money from the past be worth less in the present? Too bad they didn't consider that idea.
Anyway, it explains why Ron Silver (the actor) was the Big Bad in that Heat Vision and Jack pilot.

By the way, Time Cop did become a TV show three years later, but the plot involved stopping people who used time travel for evil means. No plot about changing the past to suddenly get five mil for last-minute ads. 

Rifftrax will tape the show in Nashville on June 26th, then show it twice on August 14 and 19th. Since it's close to two hours, it's likely the event will be just the movie with very short pre-movie banter. I am guessing we'll get outtakes in the blu-ray. 
So far, the Super-Deluxe Rewards have sold out, but it's likely some will be replenished. The real issue is which stretch goals will be offered....and which recent movies will be riffed by the boys. Will it include Dune, Part Two, or maybe (we dare you) Wicked? 
Someone also suggested pummeling Madame Web...but Bridget and Mary Jo riffs it.

If you'd like to donate, visit the Kickstarter website.

Rifftrax Looks At An MST3K Live Show

Way back in 2017, Mystery Science Theater 3000 had a live tour and featured two movies. One was an old favorite, Eegah. The other was yet another European movie that tries to profit from the super hero fad.

Some are familiar with Rifftrax offerings like Superargo and Supersonic Man, and MST's showing of Puma Man. Then we have a new addition from Rifftrax called Argoman. It's about a British guy who has super powers but uses them to get chicks and steal stuff that he hopes no one will miss. You know, like the Mona Lisa.
Not exactly defending truth, justice and the European way.
The cut of his costume is also a bit too suggestive.
Anyway, this was part of MST3K's live tour to plug its return on Netflix. This clip is from its stop in Atlanta, where they do a fashion show of robes.

So, what IS this movie?

Well, what if Austin Powers had super powers but wasn't so...average-looking (as English guys go)?
He apparently has tele-kinesis that helps him pick up chicks, literally. He also has cameras at the places where his other girlfriends are. It's that pervy. 
Oh, and he loses his powers for six hours after he has sex.

Meanwhile, some woman named Jenabell, Queen of the World, steals a crown then decides to rob a bank in France...and give people the cash to ruin the economy, sort of. She's really after a large diamond that will also ruin the economy and threaten the world. 

Naturally, they confront each other and it quickly becomes a live version of Penthouse Forum. It doesn't slow down her plans for conquest. She wants to show Su-maru how it should be done, like recruiting  several important figures to do her bidding.

Still, Argoman, aka Super Hugh Hefner, defeats Jenabell but is also accused of stealing the same crown Jenabell took. Let's just say he may or may not return it.

It's too bad it wasn't part of the Gauntlet or Season 13, but maybe it worked better as a live show than on Netflix.

Now it's riff time:

The movie takes a jaunt around London.
Sure it's old and wet but at least it's also very brown.

Argoman wastes his telekinetic powers to grab a hovercraft pilot
Watch out for Pumaman

He enjoys a kiss with the sexy pilot
You taste like Jim Leyland

Jenabell gets the big diamond
I'll be almost as powerful as Taylor Swift

Argoman "fights"
He makes Adam West look like Donnie Yen.

There's also riffs on Carmen San Diego, Mr. Bean, Hunger Games, Godzilla, and Johnny Quest. 
It's available at rifftrax.com.