Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Rifftrax Goes Rogue With Latest Star Wars Riff


Over the years, Rifftrax has taken on the most popular...and reviled...movie franchises around.
It may respect (sort of) Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, but also has some darts for Twilight and Transformers...and Wings Hauser.

The Star Wars saga gets some respect, but not so much the prequels. It would be inevitable that Rogue One would be next on Rifftrax's list. Even fans wondered if the franchise could have a movie that doesn't have a Jedi or even R2-D2 at the center of things, but you could still throw in Darth Vader. Some also thought it was annoying another girl gets to be the hero.
The movie did do well with the story of Jyn Erso, Cassian Andor and K-2S0 hoping to stop the creation of the Death Star. Having Tarkin and the young Princess Leia recreated by CGI didn't hurt,either (even though one was better than the other).

The Rifftrax trio of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett came up with a good mix of riffs poking fun at the franchise and movies in general. Who would have expected them to throw in a riff on John Ford and two on a classic campus comedy? They also made a lot of interesting comments on the new droid, K-2S0.

Here are some other examples:

The movie doesn't start like all the others
Where's the music and the massive wall of text? I TRUSTED YOU!

Galen:  You're confusing peace with terror
Krennic:  You've got to start somewhere
Honest tag line for The Phantom Menace

K-2S0:  Why does she have a blaster and I don't?
Asimov's fourth law of robotics:  Tattle like a bitchy kid brother

Saw:  Did you come to kill me?
That's why I say to scare Girl Scouts off my front porch

Darth Vader talks to Krennic
This better be good. Draining that goo tube ain't cheap.

There's also riffs on Princess Bride (guess why), Avatar, Fraggle Rock, Frankie Avalon, Enya, Garden State, and The Terminator.

The riff is available at the Rifftrax website

Friday, April 28, 2017

MST3K Redux: What Would Women Think Of Angels' Revenge?


When Mike Nelson and his MST3K crew mocked Angels' Revenge, which was Charlie's Angels disguised as The Dirty Dozen, they emphasized the absurdity of these women thinking they can bring down a drug ring through physical means (mainly through their cleavage and fighting in bikinis). They also talked a lot about how familiar faces had to do this movie to keep their flagging careers going, including Alan Hale Jr., Arthur Godfrey, Peter Lawford, and future Oscar winner Jack Palance.

When the Riffing Housewives, Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson, took this on, they just showed what they think such women would be concerned about while battling the drug dealers. Otherwise, it's a brutal pummeling on an example of "jiggle TV" as a movie. As Mary Jo asks at one point, "Are 90% of all Hollywood movies written by eleven year old boys?" She thinks that's how this movie was made. It's no coincidence all the male actors were in the credits before the women with the bigger roles were mentioned.

The story is about Michelle Wilson, a popular singer who learns her brother was beaten up by a drug pusher who got him hooked. She teams up with April, his teacher, who has a plan to destroy a processing plant outside of Los Angeles. The teacher uses the singer's fame to get the crew she needs, filled with expertise and breasts.
Mary Jo doubts the wisdom of this:  "You need a hit song to call the cops?"
Be grateful Ocean's 8 will have better actresses and writing, but then upset most men will see no difference between that and this movie.

What's interesting about this version is that it includes 15 minutes that was cut by MST for time and maybe dignity. There's a montage of the girls "training," but it's shown in three separate boxes, Once the girls pose in their mostly white jump suits, Bridget asks, "So what are they supposed to do after Labor Day?" For those who don't get that, just Google "wearing white clothes after Labor Day".

Another section that wasn't shown on MST is where Elaine, the cop, reported to her boss (Neville Brand) about the girls. The first scene is OK, but the second featured two of the girls giving him the drugs they seized still wearing bikinis. It's not exactly undercover work, but it's supposed to appeal to the men with eleven-year-old brains who wanted this movie.
Also, remember the scene where the girls bathe in their underwear after they blow up the plant? MST also cut away after that, but Rifftrax revealed the girls were held at gunpoint by some goons until April saves them thanks to a nearby helmet.

Now let's compare riffs. In some cases, the guys are meaner. In others, the girls are

Michelle's rear end is shown from above as she's climbing a ladder
MST:  Hey, you're giving away the plot
RT:  Spanx for the view


April and Keiko approach the drug processing camp
MST:  They're attacking a Klingon language camp
RT:  I didn't know they had auto shop in colonial Williamsburg


April:  "Women can make a difference"
RT:  If properly trained
MST:  The director wrote that so he could get laid


April slams her fist on a table
RT:  Meanwhile, Sally Hansen plots revenge
MST:  We will, like, bury you
(Combine them both, and it's a superior riff)


At a foggy beach, the girls meet one of the drug ring's goons and talks to Terry, an African-American stunt woman:  "Do you play basketball?"
MST:  This is offending one-celled animals
RT:  Sexist, racist, height-ist, AND NOT FUNNY


The girls bathe under a waterfall after blowing up the plant
MST:  And now, ladies and gentlemen, the reason this movie was made
RT:  Behold the waterfall of men's tears


The girls did recycle  two riffs from the original version, Those who saw both know which ones. There were also riffs on Rose Kennedy, La-La Land, Chevy Chase and the J. Geils Band.

You can get Angels Revenge at Rifftrax's website, and volume 2 of MST3K DVD set re-issued by Shout Factory.




Wednesday, April 26, 2017

MST3K Redux: The Magic Sword


Recently, Rifftrax allowed Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson to re-riff Angels' Revenge, a Charlie's Angels/Wild Bunch/anti-drug PSA knockoff that was also known as the last MST3K episode Comedy Central ever showed. Very soon, it will also take another look at Final Justice with Joe Don Baker. .

Two years ago, though, Rifftrax reriffed The Magic Sword, an MST episode from 1992. It was made by Bert I.Gordon, and includes his trademark "special" effects. It featured Gary Lockwood as the adopted son of a witch and Basil Rathbone as an actor who had to appear in movies like these to pay for expensive parties thrown by his wife, Actually he's a cruel sorcerer who really needed a good wardrobe.

Anyway, George falls for a princess he's been stalking through magic pools. She's grabbed by Lodac (Rathbone), who wants to feed her to his dragon. George wants to save her, but his adopted mom says he shouldn't bother because he's so young at 20. He takes some magic gifts he was supposed to get when he's 21, and he's on his way.
He's got a rival in Sir Barton, who's actually in league with Lodac. Barton expects to get the princess thanks to Lodac, but that doesn't work out. Of course, George wins in the end, and gets the princess.

I saw both versions, and it looks like Rifftrax's approach was better than the MST version. The jokes were more sharp, and they didn't give Gordon an inch. Also, the Rifftrax version has the entire movie while MST had to cut for time.

Let's compare riffs:

George spies on Princess Helene thanks to a magic pool

MST:  Gidget goes to the Renaissance Festival
RT:  He's using a pool to watch a woman bathe without her knowledge. So I assume this guy's the villain?

George defeats an ogre by making it dizzy

MST: Chest Hair Club For Men
RT:  He's the type of guy who would throw up on a ferris wheel

Sybil, George's adopted mom, finally escapes after George traps her so he can rescue Helene

MST:  Tonight on Tales From Lucy's Crypt
RT: Septic Tank ruptured and it spawned Carrot Top

Lodac is finally killed

MST:  Oh, goodness gracious, I'm dead
RT: He died as he lived, wearing a lady fortune teller costume.

Rifftrax's version also had riffs on Rod Stewart, Game of Thrones, Safety Woman and Road House.

You can take your choice of either version of The Magic Sword at Rifftrax or Shout Factory. Very soon, we'll compare both versions of Angels' Revenge. The MST version was riffed by some guy, while the Rifftrax version was mocked by his wife and her friend.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Kung-FOOEY! Rifftrax Opens Year With Samurai Cop


If Rifftrax and Mystery Science Theater 3000 has taught us anything, it's that the world's supply of bad movies is more eternal than oil, natural gas or reality shows.

A prime example is Samurai Cop, where a San Diego cop who's an alleged samurai but is more like a Disneyland version of Tarzan battles an evil Japanese gang. He even makes time with a restaurant owner, and is pleased his hair's better than hers.

It's also the first live show for Rifftrax's new season. The riffs are almost exactly like the VOD version, but they edited it twice and actually made it a bit more bearable.
A murder scene that accidentally included a bare breast was taken out, along with a scene where Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar) tried to force a female cop to tell him where Samurai Cop lived. His method? Boiling oil from a frying pan.
These were wise moves because the original version has more sex and maybe a rape scene.  If only they edited out Matt Hatton, who is just terrible as the samurai cop.
But then that's the point.

As a live show, though, it was great, especially for those who never saw the VOD version. I did a couple of days before, and could tell where they changed the riffs. What really made the show enjoyable was the ending theme song that Kevin Murphy made. Fans should stay through the credits for that, and the massive number of people who wore their MST3K revival shirts. Some guy even brought his Tom Servo with the cop's hair.

OK, here's the riffs

Yamashita beheads a possible witness by sneaking into the hospital (and wait'll you see how)

Original:  OK, that guy's head was the first item in our scavenger hunt
Live:  Just get a rear view window, please

"What's an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?"
Original:  So racist
Live:  Head-cutting Yakusa bosses, geeks.

Here's a riff I missed the first time:
"I can read eyes"
but that's the only letter I know.

They also added riffs on New Kids on the Block, Road House, and United Airlines.

There was a  short before the main movie called Manners in School. It's about an Our Gang character who is upset with having to skip recess to clean the blackboards. He draws a stick-figure guy, who winds up setting the kid straight even at the threat of being erased.

By the way, they also showed the Netflix MST3K trailer to remind people a new era is coming. Kevin and Bill, though, didn't talk about their return as Bobo and Observer. It would have been great, though.

The next live show will be in June, where they'll look at several cheesy shorts. It will include the Mads along with Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl, and some secret guests. Maybe one of them will be wearing a jump suit.


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Live From Netflix: The Return of Tom Servo and Crow




When fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 got word that Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, the mechanical heirs to Siskel and Ebert's balcony, would have a live press conference to plug the return of the show on Netflix next week, there was a lot of anticipation. They even asked fans for questions that they might answer. Their first official appearance occured this past Wednesday from Netflix's offices just south of San Jose.

The bots were about half an hour late, due to last-minute negotiations over why they should show up. Then again, maybe Kinga Forrester was trying to stop the live feed because SHE should be first, not these guys. Outside of the Netflix trailer, she hasn't even been seen, not even planning to crash Rifftrax's live show next week. It would be a good idea, just saying.
Anywho, before the bots returned, there was this guy:


This little guy is known as Waverly, who could be the spokesbot for Kinga or the SOL. We should know more soon. He looks like a Cyclops parrot.
Then, the bots arrived singing their planned theme song for "Earth vs. Soup". They're now voiced by Hampton Yount (Crow) and Baron Vaughn (Servo). At first voice, they sound just like they did in the Comedy Central years, especially Crow. Servo, though, has more of a "lounge lizard" style of talking, somewhere between the J. Elvis Weinstein and Kevin Murphy voices.

Still, it's them, after some long-overdue upgrading (especially their arms). They started off wondering why Mark Zuckerberg wasn't moderating the event ("What the Zuck?"). They also complained about "bot-washing" where movie studios use American robots rather than Chinese robots to match the source material. Sound familiar? They also think it was offensive that there was a guy inside C-3PO in those Star Wars movies. Crow and Servo would never allow human parts inside them, which is technically true.
As for "Earth vs. Soup", it may not be funded by Kickstarter, but they're confident it'll get done once Soup signs on, and they get the perfect actor to eat that soup. On the other hand, they think school is bad, and you get a better education from Pod People or I Accuse My Parents. Maybe they'll prove that when they deal with life in general.

So what about the Humans who have seen the movies with the bots? Joel was considered the "God-creator", and Mike the "quarterback-older brother" who had the right thing to say. That latter comment may be surprising considering they played a lot of pranks on him, especially the SyFy era. Either they missed him or they hope to sneak into Rifftrax in case things go wrong.
As for Jonah, he's "more of a podcast guy", which is true since he did work for the Nerdist. They do complain he changes sheets too often and moans while he sleeps. Otherwise, it seems the bots accept him now, since this took place after the first season was done.

They also talked about Joe Don Baker movies, Servo teaching riffing, Crow heckling movies in his mind, their many "puberties" and if a big Servo is worse than a thousand small Crows.

They're back. We can really just relax. So, come on out, Kinga, and threaten us with your plans for money-making evil, if you dare (at least bringing back the show is more than your ancestors ever did).
(NOTE:  Of course, I know Felicia's busy with her new kid and other things, but it would be great to see Felicia as Kinga in some way, including Facebook Live. Let's hope it's soon)
The new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 arrives on April 14 with 14 episodes. Some backers will get the first episode early.

Monday, March 27, 2017

A New Record For Rifftrax Kickstarter, And The Secret Show IS.....


Well, they almost made it, but George Bailey is still safe.

The annual Kickstarter campaign by Rifftrax collected $430, 620 from more than 8600 backers. That's a new record for both, but some fans were hoping to hit nine thousand backers to get the next Star Wars movie riffed and ten thousand to finally take on It's A Wonderful Life. Considering the holiday movie has been a steady source of riffs from MST3K and Rifftrax over the years, people were really hoping the holiday classic will finally get the treatment. The Last Jedi may wind up being riffed anyway next year if Rogue One is still on the list of possible future riffs, but It's A Wonderful Life will stay a dream target for now.

Still, backers, even those who paid a buck, will get a nice bargain. Everyone will get ten shorts, and riffs on Batman V. Superman (just in time for Wonder Woman), Mothra, and the first episode of Westworld. The BvS riff will involve everyone who has ever riffed, kind of like a 40x4000 meter relay race. Considering how tragically bad this movie is as a missed opportunity (except you, Diana), it could be too much for three people anyway.
Others who gave 75 bucks will get "The Rains of Castamere" from Game of Thrones (now THAT is a challenge to riff) and Final Justice Redux (or the first time a SyFy-era episode of MST3K is re-riffed), while 100 dollar backers will get DVDs of the June live show and the best of the Riffing Housewives, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl.

The only question is what will be the "target" for the August 17th show. Some Facebook fans have unearthed the name thanks to a movie theater and Fandango jumping the gun. In the special countdown show, the gang hinted it could be Ice Castles and La-La-Land (the latter very unlikely).

Actually, the movie will be.....


Remember when this was once considered a major PBS event? The TARDIS upgrade? Tegan's new look after a year in a stewardess uniform? Seeing a new guy be the original Doctor, #2 in color, and some companions we've never even met?

HOW????

Well, somehow Rifftrax used its connections with Fathom Events and BBC America to pull off this miracle after riffing on the two Peter Cushing movies, where the TARDIS looks like the basement of a Hewlett Packard building.
Not here, though. This must have been in the works for some time, because look where they make the big announcement....



For those who don't remember the story, "The Five Doctors" involves someone on Gallifrey grabbing the Doctor in all of his incarnations. They're all guided into something called "The Death Zone", where they figure out the main bad guy wants something very special from there. Thing is, the Master is not behind this for once, because the Time Lord Council asks for his help.

If you clicked the link, you'd know they had to rewrite the plot because Tom Baker, #4, decided not to be part of it. Technically, he is, thanks to use of footage of the famous unfinished episode, "Shada". The story is actually the first time people have seen certain characters from the show. Back in 1983, the Doctor had been a staple of PBS programming for ten years or so. Showing the episodes before Baker became #4 was still a rare treat for some stations. It was the first time for many to see Jamie and Zoe from the late 1960's or Liz Shaw, the Companion before Jo Grant. It was also a rare chance to see #2, Patrick Troughton, in color. That hadn't happened since "The Three Doctors".

When it was shown, this was considered to be a big deal, and was used as a pledge break feature. It's available on DVD, but in an interesting way. The 2008 DVD version has the original cut plus an upgraded version. As for me, I have the "special edition" and the broadcast version back when KTEH in San Jose was Who Central for me. (Update:  After that KTEH DVD no longer worked because of age, I got a newer version of "Five Doctors" which has lots more extras).

Now, it's going to be mocked  by three old fans.
Couldn't they have mocked "The Gunfughters"? Now THAT episode stunk on ice.
Well, it should be interesting to get Peter Davison's response to all this.

All we can do is quote the Doctor's farewell message to Susan in "Dalek Invasion of Earth" that was used to start the show:  "One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all you beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."
If that's the First Doctor's message to what Rifftrax will do this summer, it's a lot better to what he thinks about his next two forms ("a dandy and a clown").

If nothing else, pulling this off proves Rifftrax has more than earned the right to go after sparkly vampires someday.

Monday, February 27, 2017

MST3K Fan Fiction: What If Buffy Riffed On "Buffy"?




The 20th anniversary of the TV version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is upon us, and already people are celebrating it in very interesting ways.
There was a recent post in Bustle that shows how four authors would write books with Buffy, Angel, Xander, Willow and all the Slayerettes. Thing is, they're summaries of what happened on the show rather than how these writers would recreate specific scenes. For example, how would George R.R. Martin write about the climactic scene in "Prophecy Girl" where Buffy is brought back from the dead? Jon Snow would have nothing on her.
Someone did find a post where Ayn Rand wrote a Buffy episode. At least that was funny and a better example. Then there was video in YouTube where someone merges Hamilton with Buffy. It was taped last fall, but it's also a great example of recreating her in other ways.
We also know if a Buffy reunion ever happened, David Boreanaz wouldn't be in it mainly because he's not a fan of reunions.

However, there's a better idea:
in 2006, someone thought it would be cool to write a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode five years after SyFy cancelled it.
So? The movie Mike and the bots are seeing is none other than Serenity. Here’s the link to the webpage.
What if somehow Jonah and the updated bots got their hands on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...thanks to the TV Buffy we all know?
Considering Dark Horse may start producing MST3K comics along with Buffy and Angel, it would be the ultimate crossover, and might find its way in comic book form if not on Netflix. The movie hasn’t been on TV lately, and was once used as filling for HBO and Sundance, so it’s a 3% chance it could happen for real. It's very certain the new MST3K won’t be like this (especially since it seems the Mads' new lair is on the Moon according to the latest trailer), but again it’s my version.
By the way, I’ll take certain scenes from the movie, not the whole script.

The episode takes place two years after the events that wrapped up the Kickstarter season. Jonah, the riffer who lived, welcomes the viewers to the Satellite of Love and explains, for some unusual reasons, the satellite is back on Earth at the Gizmonic complex for needed repairs, and some things Kinga wants Jonah to handle in an area known as “Deepest 13”. (Let's just say Kinga and Gizmonics made a deal after something happened that involved "deep hurting"). He also says she told him they’re surrounded by 500 ninjas, ready to kill if Jonah tries to escape. He doesn’t believe it, but Crow and Servo make a break for it. They see what they think is a ninja and get scared, but it turns out to be a bush...that later walks away.

Kinga gets on the horn, and tells Jonah to go to Deepest 13 and add wi-fi to make it easier to make cell phone calls. He wonders whether these jobs are necessary, or if she's making him think being trapped in space is better. She says she doesn't care because she's the boss, and brags about sleeping on two beds of money ("Take that, Don Draper!"). He also says there are feral Mole People who have eaten her employees. “Hey,” Kinga says, “they weren’t eaten. Maybe they were nibbled on just a bit...or maybe they decided to join the Mole People considering the recent election and..”
“Sorry, Kinga,” Max (aka TV’s Son of TV’s Frank) interrupts. “Someone’s fighting the 500 ninjas and beating them. Not only that, some of them are asking for her autograph."

"HER?", Kinga barks. "If it's who I think it is, we may be in big trouble, since she's still upset her show's not on Netflix anymore. Let's get to the ship, Max."
Jonah and the bots see what happening.  Two people head towards the ship, and they happen to be Xander and Willow. They tell Jonah to relax, because their friend will be coming to ask for a favor.
Of course, it’s Buffy.

She wants to make a special request, then Kinga arrives and demands what’s the meaning of this. One look at Buffy, though, and she backs off. Buffy apologizes, but she thinks that if Rifftrax won’t riff this movie, she wants MST to do it. She hands the DVD to Jonah, and he reads the title. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not you, right?", he says
Crow asks if it’s because the original Buffy likes Donald Trump, or the Netflix thing. TV Buffy says Kristy (Swanson) is entitled to her opinions which should be respected. As for Netflix, "easy come, easy go, and maybe it'll boost my DVD sales". she says. She thinks that after all these years, despite doing well in that EW Super Heroes poll, a lot of people still think the idea of a teenage girl as a heroine is just silly.
“Or a female hero, period?”, Crow asks

"Hey," Willow says. "The latest Star Wars movies have settled that question, along with Agents of SHIELD, The Hunger Games, the WB...."
"You mean the CW?", Crow asks.
"Well, old habits die hard," Willow says. "Oh, and I do have powers which I won't use right now." "Yeah," Crow says, "Are you suuuuuuure? (as she levitates him)". Buffy says she and her friends always wanted to see how the MST crew would “deal” with this movie that's not really about her. "Besides," she adds, "we have one thing in common: Dark Horse. Maybe there will be a comic book about this."

Kinga’s bothered by this, but she won’t challenge Buffy because of reasons she’d rather not mention.  She does accuse Buffy of wanting to mock the movie because it somehow led to her being the Slayer. Buffy says it wouldn't surprise her if Kinga is right, but she still wants to do it. Kinga dares Buffy and her friends to riff on the first reel. They look stunned and worried, and accuse her of planning to make money out of this. She says, “What’s your point? How much do you want this?”
Their answer: “When do we start?”
“That much, huh?”
"Have you met her?", Xander asks.
"I know enough," Kinga says, "and I'm not really surprised by this."
MOVIE SIGN!!!

20th Century Fox fanfare
Xander: 20th Century Fox. Star Wars isn’t everything. Really.
HEY, AT LEAST WE GAVE YOU DEADPOOL!
“Since the dawn of man…”
Buffy:  or about 25 years ago

She who bears the birthmark, the mark of the coven
Buffy:  That’s not where my birthmark is
Trained by the Watcher, one Slayer dies and the next is chosen.
Olde Slayer: And I shall be His sword



Olde Watcher: Let Satan Tremble, the Slayer is born
Xander:  So sayeth Lord John Fever!

Buffy riff 17.jpg

Buffy:  Well, we’ll see about that.

Luke Perry's name shows up in credits.
Xander:  90210's bad boy, now Archie's dad on Riverdale
Willow:  God, we're old, as Joel once said.

Movie Buffy looks at her basketball star boyfriend, Jeffrey
Xander:  Low-rent Christian Laettner.

The basketball coach tries to inspire the team
Xander:  Why is Schemer from Shining Time Station coaching?
Willow: Maybe he's betting on the other team.
Buffy:  Schemer!!


“Written by Joss Whedon”
Buffy:  Gee, whatever happened to him?
(Xander and Willow look at her)
(whispers) Well, we know, but we’re not supposed to, remember?
Others: Oh yeah, ahem (starts whistling like Crow and Servo do)

As Buffy and her crew go up the escalator, a boom mike is visible
Xander: Whoops, a boom mike. You can see how much they cared.

Movie Buffy:  Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I’m ever going to Spain anyway.
Buffy: So, this is a first draft of Clueless. Needs lots more Jane Austen.




Buffy sees a yellow jacket
Xander: From the Beatrix Kiddo Collection

Kimberly (talking about the jacket): So five minutes ago
Willow: This movie is so 25 years ago.

Merrick shows up
Xander: That look is so 40 years ago, along with his stalking.

He soon skulks away after spotting Movie Buffy
Buffy: (sings) Where In The World Is Carl San Diego?

Benny:  I can’t believe these people. We paid good money to see this
Xander: Hey, we'll mock the movie, pal.

Movie Buffy bends over on top of one of the car doors outside the theater.
Andy: I don’t want to sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow her?
Buffy:  I never did that! I had parents. They argued, but they were there.

Buffy riff 15.jpg

Grueller wanders into a park towards a merry-go-round. Sees Amilyn, aka Count Pee Wee.
Willow: Yikes, Pee Wee’s turned into a Lost Boy
Buffy:  or Nicholas Cage on a bender


"And Lulu just can't get pregnant"
Xander: Wasn't she 44 when this movie was made?
Movie Buffy eating popcorn while her boyfriend tries to make out
Willow: Is she wondering if there's something more to life?
Xander: No, she's a cheerleader.
Buffy: I was a cheerleader, almost...until that witch...
Xander: We know.

Movie Buffy dreams of Slaying in a previous life.
Buffy:  Hey, where did this movie come from?
Xander:  Not so loud. You might scare it off.

Buffy riff 4.jpg

Some vampires show up after Olde Slayer Buffy slays one
Xander: Nobody expects the Undead Inquisition.

Lothos: Oh, please, show me a real Slayer
Xander and Willow (pointing at Buffy): Right here
Buffy: He can find out himself. They always do.

Amilyn: I have already begun building you a new family. Soon we will be legion.
Xander:  Does it include Aubrey Plaza?

Amilyn:  Rubies will drip from your lips.
Buffy:  Actually, everyone will be dripping from his lips

Buffy riff 8.jpg

Movie Buffy and her crew talk about the upcoming dance
Willow: We dressed like that?
Buffy: The price we pay for laughing at our parents' clothes.

Cassandra:  What do you think about the Ozone layer?
Movie Buffy:  Yeah. we gotta get rid of that.
Willow: And so climate change denial was born

Pike and Benny show up. Benny puts a bunch of change on a tray
Benny: What does it look like?
Xander: What this movie made after home video.
Willow:  Isn't that waitress Ricki Lake?

Movie Buffy:  You guys are thrashed
Pike:  That would explain the slurred speech
Xander: and the slurred script, set design, cinematography…


Pike: I'm Pike. This is Benny.
Movie Buffy: Pike's not a name, it's a fish.
Xander: It's also a peak. Wanna climb, baby? Oh, damn, I had a teenage flashback.
Willow: Or a cheesy line doughy guys say.
Xander: You're right. I'm better than this.



Benny complains and lusts after Movie Buffy
Pike:  You don’t even like her and you’d sleep with her, what is that?
Willow:  Uh, being a guy?
Benny: I got a news flash for you. One more shot of this and I’d have sex with you
Pike:  Oh, yeah then you’ll never call me.
Buffy: What is this, Dawson’s Pub Crawl?

Merrick is seen driving
Xander: Why is Indiana Jones driving a Ford Escort?
Merrick sees a drunk Pike on the ground
Xander: Bring out your stoned!

Movie Buffy: (rehearsing a cheer) Take that ball to the hoop, hoop. OK. Buffy: Now let's try to teach that to the basketball team.

Buffy riff 14.jpg

Merrick observes Movie Buffy’s gymnastics
Willow: Ew, a creepier Bela Karolyi
Xander: Yeah, he’s no Giles.
Buffy: I definitely know that.



Merrick: You should have been taught, prepared.
Xander: But your name's Buffy, and we think the vampires would laugh.
Buffy: (snarkily) Not for long.
Willow: That's our Buffy!

Movie Buffy: My trust fund’s in a graveyard?
Xander:  Hey, safer than junk bonds

Movie Buffy: Why don’t you just take the first runner-up, OK?
Buffy:  That doesn't work. I know, I tried.

Merrick: You must come with me now to the graveyard while there’s still time.
Movie Buffy: Time to do what?
All: Yeah!
Merrick: Time to stop the killing, to stop the vampires.
Movie Buffy:  All right, let me get this straight, OK. You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the Chosen One and there are vampires?
Buffy:  This guy's elevator pitch needs work.

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Merrick: You bear the Mark of the Coven
Movie Buffy: What, that big old hairy mole? Ew, I had it removed
Buffy: (Yells at the movie) What kind of a Me are you?
(realizes what she just said) AAAHHH! Thanks a lot, movie

Movie Buffy: I was a slave
Merrick: In Virginia
Xander: For 12 years?

Kinga: OK, wrap it up, guys. I want my victims, er, crew to take over.
Willow: Hey, one more scene, OK?
Movie Buffy:  How do you know all this? (talking about her dreams that he knows about)
Merrick:  Because it is your birthright and I am a part of it.
Buffy:  You know, I once dreamed I was Erica Kane’s daughter.
Willow:  That’s weird (as they leave)
Buffy:  I know. My mom and I watch Days Of Our Lives.

Everyone admits the Scooby Gang’s riffing is quite impressive, "maybe too good" as Kinga says.
"Well," Buffy says, "Kristy did the best she could being a new type of superhero, and Paul, uh Pee Wee, proved he could more than be in a playhouse. Still, the movie isn't my story. There is a comic book that is more accurate, though. I have no issues with that."
"Yeah, well, I have issues," Kinga says, while the others look at her strangely. "Well, the fact that others are in this riffing biz, especially that jerk Nelson. Stupid Rifftrax! Forresters are the masters of this, and I'm bugged you guys did so well." "Well, we'll just have to top them," Jonah says.
"You better!", Kinga says. "So embarassing. Get to the theater, guys. Show them how it's done"

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Movie Buffy:  I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night. Eeeew.
Jonah: Yeah, who’d want to see that every Tuesday night?
Crow: You’d be surprised.

Cassandra is alone in a parking lot when she hears sinister laughter
Servo: Uh-oh, the wind is calling her Maria.

Buffy’s first vampire emerges from the grave with his arms above his head
All:  TOUCHDOWN!
A female vampire emerges from her grave..
Crow: Let go of me, Uma Thurman.
Merrick battles with the vampire
Jonah:  What is this, Undead Fighting Championship?

Buffy kills her first vampire...when it bumps into her stake
Servo: Hey, that's how Xander killed his first vampire. I remember the pilot.

Buffy then kills the blonde vampire.
Jonah: No! You killed Undead Debbie Reynolds
Crow: That was Undead Carol Brady. Wait, that's bad, too.


Bennie, now a vampire, floats outside Pike’s window: "I feel pretty"
Crow: AHHH! No wonder Peter Pan left him behind.
(After Bennie laughs maniacally) Servo: And I saw his reflection! No wonder she hates this movie.

“I’M HUNGRY!!”
Jonah, Crow and Servo (singing):  “For your love!!!” (Winger song)

Quick shot of the Ford logo on Merrick’s car.
Jonah:  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, built Ford tough.

Movie Buffy:  They can’t come in unless you invite them in, is that true?
Merrick:  That’s true
Movie Buffy:  Good
Crow: And he means vampires, not immigrants or Muslims
Servo:  Not a fan of Trump, huh, Crow?
Crow:  Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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Buffy goes to bed and Lothos is there.
Servo: Sleep like you’re dead to the world with the Lothos Eternal Rest Mattress
(gives her a teddy bear) with automatic teddy bear dispenser
She wakes up and realizes she has a ribbon in her hair.
Jonah:  Man, why do I keep gift wrapping myself?

Cassandra, though, is in Lothos’ lair: Who are you?
Crow: We're Cirque du Soliel...FROM HELL!

Merrick’s in the locker room
Movie Buffy: What are you doing here? This is a naked place
Jonah: Wait til the lockers get dressed, at least.

Movie Buffy: Obviously somebody read their tea leaves wrong cuz I'm not your girl. Servo: Was it Warren Beatty or Steve Harvey? Merrick tosses a knife at Movie Buffy. She catches it. Merrick: Bravo.
Jonah: That proves nothing. She could be the chosen one for the L-A Kings.

Buffy: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die
Crow: Well, who wouldn't want to be Mrs. Robot?




Jonah: Oh dear, the training montage. I wonder if it’s as bad as No Defeat No Surrender.

There’s a mix of her training and her life in high school.
Crow:  We interrupt this training montage and join The OC in progress.

Buffy tosses a stake at a foam vamp, and stabs a leg
Servo: And that’s why Ed Ames never became a Slayer.

Principal Murray tries to counsel Buffy, mainly about drugs.
Murray:  Don’t think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. No, think of me as Gary Murray, party guy.
Crow:  In The High Castle.

He’s stunned to see her spit out a thumbtack and impale a fly.
Jonah:  I’m not sure what you’re taking, young lady, but do you get your Limitless pills from Bradley Cooper?

Pike:  There's something going on around here. I don't know. Something real weird.
Zeph:  Hey, what do you want me to do when I see Benny?
Pike:  Run

Crow:  He hasn't showered since he joined the Undead.

Movie Buffy sings “Feelings” while searching for vampires.
Jonah: Nice, sing a song that’ll make the demons slay themselves. Try something from Sublime

Buffy gets cramps because vampires are near
Crow:  Again? She has the worst spider-sense ever.

A vampire does show up, badly dressed.
Servo: Adam Sandler?

Suddenly Kinga enters the theater and points at them, saying “There they are! Look at them being so rude to you.”
All:  Joss Whedon?
Jonah: Hey, this is a...
Joss; Never mind that. Are you three having a nice time mocking my masterpiece?
Servo: What are you talking about? Does that look like Dr. Horrible to you?
Joss looks at the screen:  I'm tempted to say something about Donald, but this is a family show, right?
Buffy (from behind): Hey, did your movie make me a Slayer, sort of?
Crow:  Buffy, just repeat to yourself, it's just a show, etc, Buffy: Oh, yeah...and I am, too. It's like how you talk to the Amazing Colossal Man during that movie.
Servo: Yeah, like that. By the way, Joss, how did you know about this?
Joss:  Someone named Frank called me about someone mocking my greatness, and I said, “Who isn’t?”
Kinga:  You had some stories about this movie, so if you’d like to open up about it...
Jonah:  Not now, Kinga.
Kinga:  Why not? Besides, it’s the end of the reel.

Kinga tries to con Joss into riffing his own movie, playing on his ego and the fact that what he wanted didn’t make the screen. Buffy says Kinga must really want this, so she shoves both Joss and Kinga into the theater and tells them to avenge her. Max is relieved no one thought of him...until he sees Kinga and her thousand-yard stare at him. He stares at her right back, saying "I regret nothing, especially what I did at..." "DON'T MENTION THAT!," she yells. "You're lucky you still have a spleen, and yet what you did was kind of flattering," "Look, I'll go in with you," he says. "I don't like this movie either, They should have gone with Joss’ ideas”
“Well, add it all up and…”, Buffy says
Everyone: We know what it spells.  
MOVIE SIGN!
We’re not going to speculate on how Joss would riff too much, so we’ll stick to Kinga and Max.

Amilyn: Aaarrrgh!
Kinga:  Hey, Pike’s screaming. “Aaargh” must be the magic word of the day.

Amilyn is on top of Pike's van, and enjoying the view.
Max: If he says "I'm king of the world", I'm gonna be a movie slayer
Kinga: That's not your job. Sit down.
Then he tries to reach into Pike
Kinga: What's Amilyn doing, backseat steering?
Then Amilyn loses his left arm.
Max: Uh-oh, the grandson of the Crawling Hand.

Amilyn (after losing an arm): You ruined my jacket. Kill him a lot
Joss; I wrote that.
Max:  and for that we are grateful.
Kinga: Hey, you're my toady, remember?

As Pike tries to fight off a vampire, Movie Buffy suddenly comes in from stage left.
Max:  Shouldn’t those vamps dissolve?
Joss:  Not enough money in the budget
Kinga: There was a budget?

Joss glares at her.
Kinga:  Pardon me. This movie is a cut above what we usually show.

Pike faints again after Buffy nails those vampires.
Kinga: Is Pike's first name Giles by any chance?
Buffy takes Pike back to her house, but her parents aren't there
Max: Did her parents run away, get attacked by Stormtroopers? Where'd they go?


Movie Buffy: You know what it's like when everything is suddenly different and everything you thought was crucial seems so stupid?
Joss: Let's see Trump tweet that at 3 AM.

Movie Buffy: You find yourself babbling incoherently with a strange man in your living room?
Pike:  Are you calling me a man?
Max:  Run, before Shannen Doherty finds out.

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Lothos to Amilyn:  Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the Crusades.
Max:  Well, I wonder why I ever married you.
Kinga:  MAX! How can….well, actually…
Joss: That might be way ahead of its time.
Buffy’s friends discuss Cassandra’s death and that they didn’t get the yellow leather jacket back being the real tragedy.
Max: The ghost of Cordelia Chase should haunt the Hell out of them.

Buffy body-slams a guy grabbing her butt
Kinga: Ronda Rousey in "50 Shades of Black and Blue"
(Joss and Max look at her) I could've given a more obvious response.

Merrick:  None of the other girls gave me this much trouble
Movie Buffy: And where are they now? Hello? Max:  Where was your last job, Amish Country in the 1950s?

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Kinga:  Hey, #10, that’s Ben Affleck (giving up the ball to Grueller the vampire)
Ugh, was this before he started his Batman training?

Movie Buffy (to newly vamped Grueller): You were my friend
Grueller:  Now, I’m a god
Pike stakes him:  And now, you’re a coat rack.
Max:  This movie should have gotten more love, as least as much as Serenity.
Joss: You’re a smart man, Max
Kinga:  Don’t encourage him. He’s gotta stay at “lackey” mode.
Max:  Can't I have new friends?

Lothos:  Has our time finally come? Have you ripened so fast?
Kinga:  Ewww. You’re a creepier Kylo Ren .

Lothos turns the stake at Merrick, killing him.
Merrick (to Movie Buffy):  You do everything wrong
Movie Buffy: Sorry
Merrick: Do it wrong. Don’t play our game. Lothos is a show.
Max: That advice she never forgot. That’s why Buffy’s the show, man.

Buffy riff 16.jpg

Kimberly:  You’re acting like a thing from another tax bracket
Max: Future two-time Oscar winner. Who woulda thunk it?


Movie Buffy tries to explain her predicament.
Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kinga: They're less sharp than the girls in Sunnydale....so I've heard.

Amilyn and Lothos plan to invade the dance after learning Buffy's identity..
Max: Well, she should repeat to herself he’s just a show
Joss:  and we should really just relax?
Kinga:  Hey, no fair using the theme song as a riff.

They talk about how Pee Wee Herman took a role originally meant for Joan Chen, and how that would have made a different movie, as in better. Buffy also recounts how her first Watcher died differently, and how that was more heroic than in the movie.
Kinga, though, is a little suspicious of Max’s new friendship with Joss, and thinks Joss should see the rest of movie elsewhere. Maxsays she’s afraid she’ll fall apart like Clayton did when TV's Frank left.
“THAT’S….not important,” she says. “I need a henchman, like dad did in the old days. Come to think of it, your dad double-crossed my dad once, and he was glad”
“Well, I was made to be that,” Max says, “Maybe literally, like in Moon. I’m not sure. Besides, my dad was more experiment than henchman.”
“Look, what matters is we should finish the movie,” Jonah says. “Ready, Buffy?”
“Oooooooh, yeah,” she says, "especially the 'finish' part"

"You saw the movie during the summer after you were expelled, didn't you?", Kinga asks Buffy.
"It was the most depressing midnight movie ever," Buffy says.
Kinga understands. "Sic' em". "Hell, yeah!" Buffy says. "Gentlemen....." "Where?", Crow says. "Yeah, I know"...as they head to the theater.

Kimberly: This one doesn’t have a mirror at home
Buffy:  Oh no, did Darla go to this dance?

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Buffy loses a boyfriend but gets Pike.
Pike:  You know, uh, Buffy, you’re not like other girls
Movie Buffy:  Yes I am
Buffy: Aside from the vampires and…..wait a minute.....
(stand up, looks up to the ceiling):  MOM, IS THIS HOW YOU MET DAD?
Jonah: Was it?
Buffy:  (sits down) I think so. She told me it happened to her in college.

The vampires show up
Servo: Surprise! You’re on The Walking Dead




More vamps show up.
Crow:  Why is Lou Diamond Phillips with them (far left)? Servo: At least they're not bat girls, like that Santo movie, remember? Buffy: I'm thinking of a different kind of bat girl.

Movie Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited. Kimberly:  I already invited them. They’re seniors.
Jonah: Why didn't you try "extreme vetting"?
Buffy: WHAT?
Jonah:  Checking for a pulse.
Buffy: Oh, yeah.

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Buffy faces more vamps.
Crow: Sorry, guys, she’s not remaking the Thriller video
She tumbles like crazy.
Servo:  Enough with the Aly Raisman impression. Start fighting.
She does.
Jonah:  Whoa, eat your heart out, Brienne of Tarth.

Some long haired guy tells a vampire. “This party sucks, man.”
Buffy:  Oz, is that you?

Bennie: Why do you like these people? They’re sheep.
Pike: And you’re an independent thinker? Try getting a suntan.
Bennie: Forget them. We can start a band.
Jonah: We’ll call ourselves “Scream!”

Amilyn: I’ll get you Buffy, and your little dog, too
Crow:  No more Wizard of Oz riffs, guys. That's our thing.

Amilyn:  We’re Immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Movie Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.
Buffy: THAT’S more like it.

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Lothos plays his violin
Jonah:  That looks more like musical handcuffs.

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Amilyn’s staked and really drags out his death scene.
Servo:  Sheesh, Yongary had a shorter death scene than this.
Buffy:  Yeah, why is he padding his part? It’s not as if he’ll never work again after this movie
Crow:  Well, at the time…
Buffy:   I KNOW. Pee Wee proved them wrong. (Sigh) To think, David Bowie could have made a cameo, thinking it was "The Hunger II". I'm not kidding.

Lothos is about to bite Buffy: I am life beyond death, and you are just like all the other girls
Movie Buffy:  Maybe I’ll surprise you (shows a cross)
Lothos: This is your defense? Puh-leeze Buffy: Sheesh, he's no Dracula, and I slayed him
Lothos: Your puny faith? (as the cross bursts into flames)
Movie Buffy: No, my keen fashion sense. (She sprays him with hair spray, instant flame thrower).



Jonah:  Hey, there is an upside in destroying the ozone layer, but if he’s on fire, shouldn’t the movie be over?

Principal Murray gives detention slips to the dead teens and vampires.
Buffy: I hate to say this, but I miss Principal Snyder. Pity he wound up as dragon chow.



Lothos threatens to kill with a katana
Crow:  This is well-dressed padding. Can we switch to the comic book which was the real script?
Jonah: Yeah, Kill Bill this ain’t.
Buffy: I'll say. I mean, I burned a school gym down once, but it was filled with vampires AND asbestos.
Servo: Couldn't you have washed it with holy water and a super soaker?
Buffy: Well, I do that now. Live, learn and slay.



But Buffy saves the day, and wakes up Pike
Jonah: Usually it’s the man who wakes the girl while someone else says, “He tampered in God’s domain.”
Servo:  Please, I’m still trying to forget that movie.

The couple roar away in a motorcycle, and we see “Candy Clark as Buffy’s Mom”
Buffy:  My mother’s name was Joyce, you lazy movie.
Jonah:  Uh, that Buffy isn’t you, remember?
Buffy:  Oh, yeah. Still…
Then we have the witnesses....

Jeffrey: They had this look in their eyes. Totally cold. Animal. I think they were young Republicans. Servo: And one of them got turned into a Newt. Or was it a Gingrich?


Jeffrey talks about what happened while his other date weeps and walks off
Crow:  Next on The Bachelor.


One more shot of Amilyn dying.
Buffy: Just die already, Pee Wee. Your career will be reborn. You’ll show them. Ha-ha-ha-uuuughhhh

Jonah, the bots, Willow and Xander are there to hug Buffy as the final credits roll.
Buffy:  Movie bad, movie go away, hate movie!
Watch TV show! THAT’s the real thing.
Xander:  and the comic books, too.
Willow:  Yeah! And didn't you use one of Servo's old riffs, Buffy?
Servo; That's right. Do I get a royalty?
Buffy:  Well, I'll buy your new DVDs as soon as they're made, and maybe figure out how what we did can be sold to the public, too.

Then, Buffy’s phone beeps. “I’m getting a text?” She reads: “About that dance scene, of course that happened to me in college. I’m glad you remembered, but you should have been meaner towards that movie. I really didn’t like that fake me. Love you, mom.”
Jonah asks, “Are you sure that’s your mom from…..beyond?”
“Haunted iPhones are required equipment for Slayers. It could be from her”, she says.
“Have you tried to send texts to the afterlife?” Crow asks.
“Well,” Buffy says, “that isn’t recommended. Otherwise, I’d ask what St. Peter thinks of The Good Place.

At the end, Buffy and Kinga smirk at each other, each thinking they won...which they did.
"OK, we'll call it a draw," Kinga says. Jonah puts it into perspective. “Exactly, you two,” he says. “This was an idea that was long overdue. Just shake hands.”
They do, and Buffy does think of giving Kinga too much of a tight handshake, but Kinga pulls her hand away. "You would have squeezed real hard." she explains, "I'd do it, if I could." "But not today," Buffy says.

They do shake hands, and agree to figure out some way to get this episode on DVD. Buffy and her fellow Scoobies go to the Gizmonic gift shop.
Kinga then shifts to "boss" mode and orders Jonah to replace a sewer pipe in Deepest 13, which apparently cracked during the movie. While he heads there, the bots read letters, and Kinga reads one, too, just to show she can.
Jonah reaches Deepest 13. Actually the Mole People are glad to see him. They admit they cracked the pipe because they don't like Kinga's rumors about them. They also wish the wi-fi down there was better. Jonah says he'll take care of it, but someone has to get the new pipe. Kinga and Max look on while she says, “Well, don’t expect us to bring it to you.”
Someone behind them disagrees (guess who), along with several fake ninjas.
Kinga scowls, and says,“Oh, push the button, Frank.”

"Oh, I'm Frank now?," "Max" asks, as the picture goes black
Remember, this is fan fiction. This will become real when Hell freezes over, gets flooded and is overrun by My Little Ponies, but we can always hope.
So, what do you think, sirs?