Rifftrax Live: The TimeCop Is Our Friend

 
If it's August, it must be time for Rifftrax in theaters.
This year, Mike, Bill and Kevin took on a cheesy drama from the '90s which mixes Time Chasers with martial arts. It's TimeCop with Jean-Claude Van Damme. At least here, he's not dealing with some punk kid who gets help from the ghost of Bruce Lee. 

He's a cop who decides to join a special group that uses time travel to stop crime. It doesn't like people going back to 1929 to buy stocks that survive the Wall Street Crash. That's actually a plot point.

The bad guy is Ron Silver, who uses time travel to get gold from the Civil War to pay for his presidential campaign. He even meets his nerdy younger self to make sure he succeeds. He has henchmen, of course, who also time travel to eliminate "threats" like JCVD. 

Van Damme joins the group after said time-traveling henchmen kill his wife and blow up their house. That doesn't mean she's out of the movie, since she'll show up a couple more times after she "dies"...and we don't mean like in Space Mutiny.
By the way, his wife is played by Mia Sara. She's best known for Ferris Bueller's Day Off but was in The Life of Chuck recently.

Once Van Damme goes time-traveling the plot really gets confusing, and you wonder how the henchmen keep showing up or how Silver suddenly owns the cops. You also wonder why Van Damme's wife has to climb the roof while newly pregnant. Still, what counts is that Van Damme forces purse snatchers to read his shoe, kicks a lot or does the splits.
Oh, and this was pointed out on Facebook, but the boss was played by Bruce McGill who was D-Day in Animal House. It's safe to say D-Day's parade car was less ugly than the cars in fake year 2004.

What really steals the show is a short called "Our Friend, The Policeman." (Link is here)  It talks about how great a policemen is, and how he's our friend and such. In fact, there's a LONG song about the greatness that is a policeman. It'll drive you to the nearest Tylenol bottle. 

Not only that, for the first time, I got my name in the credits. Of course, I had to buy my spot, but it is worth having it at least once. There's another list where the font is MUCH smaller, but this time it was quite readable to the people in the theater audience. Anyway, here's my piece of Rifftrax
history:


                                           

Now, time for the riffs:

The title shows up
I want your badge and your gun on my desk yesterday

Silver's henchman tries to rob Civil War soldiers with machine guns from the future
If this had happened during Ken Burns' Civil War, I wouldn't have fallen asleep.

Two suspicious guys follow Van Damme
Was that Penn and Teller?

Old Ron Silver meets Young Ron Silver
Is my naughtiest fantasies coming true?

"You're not Max"
You have no Headroom

Van Damme avoids electrocution by doing the splits on a countertop
Get your groin off the waffles

There's also riffs on Handmaid's Tale, The Utah Jazz, that policeman short, Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Boy Scouts.

The DVD for the show should come later this fall. You can enjoy the other live shows at rifftrax.com. 

Rifftrax Kickstarter 2025: STOP! In the Name of Time

 

Well, Rifftrax is moving on up when it comes to getting movies for live shows.

After getting Point Break with REAL ACTORS, they've done it again with Time Cop with Jean Claude Van Damme. It's a cheesy 90s sci-fi movie, but it did fine. It's almost a cult classic.
This time, they're asking 350 thousand dollars. Once again, they hit that goal in less than two days.
This time, I decided to splurge to get my name on the screen...just once. It also means I get a pin, shirt, blu-ray...and a Christmas ornament of a lion who says he can eat candy.
Yes, from THAT cheesy Christmas short they had a while ago. 
WORTH IT!

So, what is this "time cop"?

Actually, it's a more physical version of Time Chasers. Jean-Claude plays a guy whose wife is killed. He later becomes a police officer of sorts, going back in the past to find people from the present to change history and also profit from it. The bad guy is a senator called Aaron McComb, played by Ron Silver. He figures time travel is a great way to get fast cash for his presidential campaign. Thing is, wouldn't money from the past be worth less in the present? Too bad they didn't consider that idea.
Anyway, it explains why Ron Silver (the actor) was the Big Bad in that Heat Vision and Jack pilot.

By the way, Time Cop did become a TV show three years later, but the plot involved stopping people who used time travel for evil means. No plot about changing the past to suddenly get five mil for last-minute ads. 

Rifftrax will tape the show in Nashville on June 26th, then show it twice on August 14 and 19th. Since it's close to two hours, it's likely the event will be just the movie with very short pre-movie banter. I am guessing we'll get outtakes in the blu-ray. 
So far, the Super-Deluxe Rewards have sold out, but it's likely some will be replenished. The real issue is which stretch goals will be offered....and which recent movies will be riffed by the boys. Will it include Dune, Part Two, or maybe (we dare you) Wicked? 
Someone also suggested pummeling Madame Web...but Bridget and Mary Jo riffs it.

If you'd like to donate, visit the Kickstarter website.

Rifftrax Looks At An MST3K Live Show

Way back in 2017, Mystery Science Theater 3000 had a live tour and featured two movies. One was an old favorite, Eegah. The other was yet another European movie that tries to profit from the super hero fad.

Some are familiar with Rifftrax offerings like Superargo and Supersonic Man, and MST's showing of Puma Man. Then we have a new addition from Rifftrax called Argoman. It's about a British guy who has super powers but uses them to get chicks and steal stuff that he hopes no one will miss. You know, like the Mona Lisa.
Not exactly defending truth, justice and the European way.
The cut of his costume is also a bit too suggestive.
Anyway, this was part of MST3K's live tour to plug its return on Netflix. This clip is from its stop in Atlanta, where they do a fashion show of robes.

So, what IS this movie?

Well, what if Austin Powers had super powers but wasn't so...average-looking (as English guys go)?
He apparently has tele-kinesis that helps him pick up chicks, literally. He also has cameras at the places where his other girlfriends are. It's that pervy. 
Oh, and he loses his powers for six hours after he has sex.

Meanwhile, some woman named Jenabell, Queen of the World, steals a crown then decides to rob a bank in France...and give people the cash to ruin the economy, sort of. She's really after a large diamond that will also ruin the economy and threaten the world. 

Naturally, they confront each other and it quickly becomes a live version of Penthouse Forum. It doesn't slow down her plans for conquest. She wants to show Su-maru how it should be done, like recruiting  several important figures to do her bidding.

Still, Argoman, aka Super Hugh Hefner, defeats Jenabell but is also accused of stealing the same crown Jenabell took. Let's just say he may or may not return it.

It's too bad it wasn't part of the Gauntlet or Season 13, but maybe it worked better as a live show than on Netflix.

Now it's riff time:

The movie takes a jaunt around London.
Sure it's old and wet but at least it's also very brown.

Argoman wastes his telekinetic powers to grab a hovercraft pilot
Watch out for Pumaman

He enjoys a kiss with the sexy pilot
You taste like Jim Leyland

Jenabell gets the big diamond
I'll be almost as powerful as Taylor Swift

Argoman "fights"
He makes Adam West look like Donnie Yen.

There's also riffs on Carmen San Diego, Mr. Bean, Hunger Games, Godzilla, and Johnny Quest. 
It's available at rifftrax.com.

I! AM! ANOTHER! RIFFTRAX! LIVE! EVENT! THAT! NEEDS! MONEY!

 

And here we go again. 
This week, Rifftrax started its annual pledge drive to fund the mocking of a cheesy movie.
This year, though, it's a REAL movie, with people we've heard of...even an Oscar winner.
What's next, Speed? Speed 2, maybe?
Hey, if they managed to get Ladyhawke a while ago...

The movie is Point Break, where a rookie FBI agent who used to be a college quarterback has to find bank robbers who wear masks and surf. The main plot is that Johnny admires (kinda) Bohdi, the leader of the gang, but has to arrest the guy. Naturally, it's been used as a riff on MST3K a few times, but it's a big get. You get massive amounts of Keanu Reeves, Gary Busey when he was coherent, and Patrick Dempsey. Also, it's directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who's a professional and an Oscar winner. That's almost unheard of in Rifftrax movies. It's the anti-RAD. 

There's also working hard to hit their goal of 350 thousand dollars, which should be reached fairly quickly. The gang will be on The Mads Are Back as the post-movie guests, almost like they're on late-night TV. It's also the first time since Jack-O that it's a taped event rather than a live show. They will have the show from the State Theater in Minneapolis two weeks before it's shown on August 8 and 13. It's still a minor point because a riff show is a riff show, live or not. 

Again, the gang should hit their goal before they're on TMAB, but the real fun happens afterwards. We get the offer of "ten shorts for a dollar" plus stretch goals. That means mp3s of big movies, but the fun is predicting which ones. Ten bucks says Wonka is next if not inevitable. Dune 2 may be too good to pass up. Madame Web may be another story.

Anyway, fans can contribute and get neat swag by going here. The deadline is April 8.

Rifftrax Proves It's No Mickey Mouse Operation

 

Who's the riffing trio that just mocked Steamboat Willie?
N-E-L-S-O-N, Bill, and Kev Murphy!

When the 1929 cartoon that put Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse on the map, "Steamboat Willie", fell into public domain just after New Year's Day, the mouse found himself in odd places. 
He was in an Adult Swim promo, a few video games, and plans for a horror movie just like Winnie the Pooh.
Then, out of the blue, Rifftrax decided to mock the short that led to amusement parks, animation. media dominance and singing teens with odd hats (more than once). 

It showed some respect but not too much. It's famous because it was the first sound cartoon, but it's basically gags you'd see in silent animation. One of the first reactions came from Bill:  "So, a century-old evil empire was based on this, huh?"

There was a lot of comments on how Mickey would play "Turkey in the Straw" and turn all the animals into instruments. That included a goat that ate a ukelele, followed by a pig, a cat and a goose. Mike described it as "what happens on a Disney cruise", which would get him to buy a ticket. 
There's also how Minnie is brought to the boat via a hook (with "sexy" results), and how Music Goat became so beloved.

There were also riffs on Dubuque, IA, Charlotte's Web, a certain Marvel movie and Bugs Bunny.

The big news is that Rifftrax saw an opportunity and took it. If they do this to other Disney shorts in the future ("Plane Crazy", for example), there's a chance it'll do that.

It's also getting attention from the new GrimTrax spinoff, featuring really depressing shorts. The first series includes a lonely old woman, a boy who dies yet no one cares (that's the real horror) and one on job safety that should be called "Have An Orgy With Danger". It's on the Rifftrax website.

It's SO Eighties! Rifftrax Goes RAD

 

It's August, and it's time for another Rifftrax Live show. This time, it looks at a sport that is somehow part of the X Games.

The movie is RAD, made in 1986, and basically No Defeat, No Surrender with bikes. It's about  a paperboy named Cru who rides his BMX bike in really dangerous ways. Still, people want their USA Today. 
Some guys in suits led by Jack Weston come to Cru's town to promote a cool BMX contest and drum up business in the town. He's actually trying to boost his client Bart Taylor, barely portrayed by Bart Connor (yes, the gymnast who did NOT invent Gymkata but got hitched to Nadia Comaneci).

Cru wants to participate, but his mom, who is bitter since her movie career collapsed and got her trapped in this film, insists he work on getting to college.

So, it seems this movie will be about Cru and the hotshot BMX guy...until some hot girl enters the scene. She's played by Lori Loughlin. For some reason she can ride a BMX bike better than anyone. How come SHE's not in the contest? That's a movie.

Anyway, Cru tries to overcome obstacles, like Weston's company changing the rules to keep Cru out, but he gets unexpected help. He also falls for Lori after spending the first act impressing some other girl. You can guess the rest. If only Jean Claude Van Dam could ride a bike.

The movie is typical of the sports-themed movies in the 1980's and it's not THAT bad. Still, if Casablanca isn't safe from Rifftrax, neither is this one. The gang riff a lot about Lori's legal problems and the 80's in general, especially the dancing and fashions. Cru also talked a lot about ass-sliding, which is basically sliding.
They were also impressed Ray Walston got more interesting when Cru gets in trouble with Weston's crew. Ray winds up putting new meaning in the term "talk to the hand". Spicoli would have been stunned. 

What was more surprising that Bill Allen, the star of the movie, was in the Nashville audience. He, unlike Joe Don Baker, could take it. He also had a minor career aside from this movie. In fact, this trivia page from IMDB has some very interesting tidbits about the film.

Before the movie, fans endured two Gumby shorts. They were about a witch who kidnaps them for a very strange reason, and a hidden valley with dinosaurs who are hoping there's a fourth Jurassic World movie. 

OK, riff time:

Cru is in full training costume, including a mask that isn't quite right for fencing
Jason Voorhees' dorkier brother

Lori Loughlin in the credits
She shivved me at the prison shower.

Cru's mom brings in the groceries, played by Talia Shire
(mumbling bitterly) I was in The Godfather

Best way to describe the bike dance Cru and Lori have
Breaking Away and Saturday Night Fever got together, nine months later this movie came out. 

Then they kiss
Kissing, it's like ass-sliding with your mouth

Bart,  the hot-shot BMX biker, tries to look cool
Yeah, my haircut's really terrible.

Lori:  I thought you were a man
Mike:  No, you didn't

There's also riffs on Tilda Swinton, Footloose, Chicago Bears, Happy Days and Tik Tok.

The pre-show slides (with the usual comedy music) were better than usual. One predicted a Hallmark Channel movie called Hack Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, and that might work. Saving Christmas via stealing back money another company stole? OK!

The VOD should be available in October or November. Get more riffs at rifftrax.com

X Games This Ain't! It's Kickstarter Time in Rifftrax

 

While Mystery Science Theater fans wait for news of a 14th season...and their swag from the Kickstarter campaign...Rifftrax has been busy.

Its annual Kickstarter campaign is underway, and this time it's taking on another fad movie. 
It's the 1986 movie, RAD, which ain't. It's about a BMX rider who has to choose between a major competition and preparing for college.
The decision takes seconds.
However, he has to deal with some sneaky guys who keep changing the rules so that their BMX guy gets all the glory.
Any resemblance between this and, say, "No Defeat, No Surrender" is unavoidable. 

The movie features gymnast Bart Conner because he clearly couldn't cut it in Gymkata, Lori Laughlin before Full House and the Big House, Talia Shire as the "go to college" mom, and Ray Walston.

So, should MST3K be worried?
No. Season 14 is coming, in the same way as Rifftrax. 
Will this be funded in record time? Of course. 
UPDATE:  Hit 250K in about eight hours.

The link to the campaign is here, and it'll do as well as last year's Return of Swamp Thing, if not better. 
The real excitement is what stretch goals will be coming through the end of March.  We shall see.

Rifftrax Live: Return of Swamp Thing, or Beauty and the Bush

 

Every once in a while in the olden days of MST3K, someone would say "Do not bring your evil here". That's a catch phrase from the TV version of DC's Swamp Thing. You know, a scientist who becomes one with the swamp because of a terrible lab accident.

Well, Rifftrax took on the sequel, Return of Swamp Thing. This movie didn't bring its evil, a script that made sense or even dignity.
Only Rifftrax would raise enough money to show this to 700 theaters this past August, and it's twice the amount the movie earned. 

The plot is that Swamp Thing battles his archrival, Dr. Arcane, who's played by former leading man (mon dieu!) Louis Jordan. This guy wants to live forever, even if he has to kill his ditzy stepdaughter Abby, played by Heather Locklear. She just wants answers to why her mom died (and if he did it), while he wants her blood for eternal life or something. Close family, this ain't.
There's a possibility 92 percent of the budget was paying for these two actors. The rest of the movie and its look suggest that.
One problem:  Arcane died in the first movie, but the sequel doesn't show how he was resurrected. At the very least, he should have been a suave zombie in a tux.

Anyway, the swamp is filled by bizarre creatures, along with the genetic freaks Arcane makes by splicing their genes and/or body parts. Yes, we mean the creatures are dumb hillbillies. 
The movie also throws in two kids who hope to avoid the monsters, and maybe take a picture of Swamp Thing for cash.

Sarah Douglas is Arcane's assistant, and clearly wishes she was back in the Phantom Zone since he's not really into her. Dope.
There's also a scene between two goons, Gunn and Poinsettia, where they compare wounds. This is strange because Lethal Weapon 3 has a similar scene, and I hope that didn't come from this movie. 

The main story, of course, is Abby falling for Swamp Thing because she's a vegetarian...and often talked to plants back in L-A. There is a tender (and fake) love scene between Swamp Thing and Abby, but their affection would freak out Man-Thing.

Of course, Arcane is defeated, but in an anti-climactic way. It involves killing another victim that wound up looking like an alien too weird to be in a sci-fi movie. As for Abby, she is at one with nature, just like her green and swampy hero. That's actually in the comics, too. 

Before that, the crew presented a really creepy short called Danny's Dental Date. It starts with puppet Danny hearing he's got a dental appointment. He runs away, then meets talking animals. They discuss the importance of healthy teeth. It's as creepy as it sounds.
Then it turns out it was all a dream. We get a look at dentistry from 60 years ago, when we used mercury in tooth fillings. Yikes! Where's Britt Baker, DMD when you need her?
Maybe this movie was to prepare fans for the really bad trauma that is the main feature. It also showed Kevin's phobia towards puppets he doesn't know. 

There was also a short tribute to Rifftrax's 16th anniversary that included some MST3K alumni, movie producers who are somehow not that upset their movies were reamed by Rifftrax, and Weird Al Yankovic (who is still the head of the National Pork Council). 

The riffs were pretty good, and really jabbed the movie. It even gave callbacks on Manos and The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. It did miss one opportunity: when Swamp Thing jammed a hand grenade into the pants of a henchman, I wondered why the gang didn't yell "DANTON" since it's a callback to Deadly Prey.

Then there were these:

Opening credits
Is this Stan Lee's yearbook?

Swamp Thing arrives
Zindy the Swamp Boy got all swole

A fat kid runs to his friends house to see dirty magazines...that also have nude women
Ned Beatty really disappeared into this role

Abby wants to mate with Swamp Thing because "I'm a vegetarian"
Do I have to spell it out? I'm gay

But love conquers way too much
This was the last time a woman mated with a plant until Pete Davison started dating Kim Kardashian.

There were also riffs on Gigi (of course), Little Shop of Horrors, Scrubbing Bubbles, the band 311, and the internet.

When this show is available to everyone around Thanksgiving, fans should get it quickly. This was one of the most brutal takedowns of any cheesy movie in years. In the meantime, the website has some great titles including Mary Jo and Bridget's version of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (I'll discuss this soon) and Split Second with Kim Cattrall in a climate change dystopia...in London!
Oh, and the stuff people got from the Kickstarter should come soon, and that includes MST3K, too. 

Rifftrax Revisits a Zombie Nightmare

 

It's been nearly 28 years since Mystery Science Theater 3000 took on a little Canadian horror film best known for having in its cast a future member of Wayne's World, a former TV super hero, and a guy who'll wind up as a popular director. 

That movie was Zombie Nightmare, and Rifftrax decided to take a second look at that cheesy movie.
It's been done several times before with Jack Frost, The Magic Sword, Angel's Revenge, and Final Justice.
While some scenes were cut from the MST version (maybe due to music rights), it does include the scene where one of the teens gets a much deserved fate.

The story is about Tony, a muscular teen played by Jon Mikl Thor (Rock 'N Roll Nightmare). Several years after his dad was stabbed to death after softball practice, Tony breaks up a robbery at the local store. Meanwhile, some rowdy teens are on their way to some dance or other. They wind up running over Tony, killing him. They shrug this off a bit too quickly, especially their leader Jimbo (Shawn Levy, future director of Deadpool 3).

Tony's mom gets Molly, a local voodoo priestess, to resurrect Tony as an act of revenge. One by one, the teens in the car that killed him get killed themselves.

There's a sub-plot, where Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) approaches the series of murders in an odd way. It becomes more clear when he has a bizarre connection to it all.

The Rifftrax version seems to be a bit darker with fewer Batman jokes, but it did comment on bad accents and the low-budget look of the whole thing. They also recycled several jokes from the old version.

So, riff time:

Tony's at bat

MST:  His hair's bouncin' and behavin'
RT:  Valerie Bertinelli at the plate

He's about to be run over

RT:  A car's coming. I better stop right into its path
MST:  Don't worry, his area will protect him

Molly turns him into a zombie

MST:  resurrecting Neil Young
RT:  Like Dracula waking from a wild night in Vegas

Jimbo laughs after two of his friends were killed by "angel dust" aka Tony

MST:  Did you see Russell Baker's column this morning?
RT:  I just stole Jennifer Beals' hair

Then Tony kills Jim's dad

MST:  No need to linger
RT:  Snap into an '80s guy, oh yeah!

Churchman's literally dragged into Hell

RT:  Just don't hurt my mustache
MST:  So Hell is just right there. Yeah, that's you should call before you dig.

There were also jokes on Olive Garden, Alfred Hitchcock, Wayne's World, Tim Horton's, West Side Story, Four Non-Blondes and Encanto.

Both versions of Zombie Nightmare are currently at the Rifftrax website.

Is 2022 The Year of the Big Riff? Here's Why

 As Spring is about to come in 2022, the two Riffing Super-Powers are about to dominate our souls. 

Rifftrax, which has been mocking movies for 15(!) years, has a new Kickstarter campaign, but it's only one movie instead of two of three. Yes, we can blame COVID for this. Either than, or getting terrible movies to humiliate is getting tougher every day.

In any case, this is the next target:

Yep, someone brought their evil there, and Mike, Bill and Kevin have to respond.

This is the follow-up to the DC Comics series featuring a scientist who becomes a swamp creature and provides programming for independent channels and the USA Network.

The first movie featured his origin story and a topless Adrienne Barbeau. Here, both Swamp Thing and the guy he thought he killed, Dr. Arcane, are back. Heather Locklear is now part of things as Arcane's niece, who of course falls for the mean green hero. She has to avoid being the latest evil experiment, and some new monsters called UnMen (a term that would be a lousy way to describe women or anyone who really wants lefty things like easier voter registration and like that).

This is actually putting Rifftrax Live at a level between Anaconda and, well, Hobgoblins. It's actually a step up compared to what they've had to work worth in the past couple of years. 

The only disappointing thing is that we have only one Rifftrax Live show instead of at least two movies. Let's chalk this up as a transitional year, followed by a full slate (if you call two movies a full slate) next year. We have this from one of the organizers, Erik Peterson. Actually, he has a point:

Yeah, because we're not back to 100% normality yet, and for the safety of our fans and crew, we're playing it safe this year and focusing on producing one fantastic show. We do have some other fun things in store, but it's pretty unlikely that we'll be able to add another live event at this time

Anyway, the usual goal is 250 thousand has been reached in 19 hours. The real feature will be the stretch goals, including more cheap short films, VOD titles or mp3 tracks, This would be a good idea to offer a "Just the Jokes" version of It's a Wonderful Life. We deserve to mock Jimmy Stewart for refusing to accept the idea of a multiverse.
Heck, let's go after The Batman in six or seven months. That'll be perfect for Halloween.

The link to the latest Rifftrax project is right here. Still, let's make it official..

Meanwhile, at Mystery Science Theater 3000, the new season aka "Screw You, Nexflix, and your Oscar nominations, too" is almost here. They start the new independent era Friday with El Santo and the Treasure of Dracula.

Basically, it's the wrestling star against the vampire women he didn't get to kill a few years before, plus Dracula. It's also in color.
The "tickets" to all of the shows, including shorts, can be found here. The home page is here, with "previews" of the new season. As you notice, they're actually going to take on Manos again just after Saint Patrick's Day, but add a post-game show. They'll have a show every two weeks through early 2023. In fact, all shows will have discussion at the end, mainly how were these movies or shorts allowed to exist. Take that, Talking Dead.

The codes for the Gizmoplex passes are also out, and for the most part are working well. That includes "vault codes" where people can see six shows per month. 

The show also has a very popular comments section. You can join at https://forums.mst3k.com/. You can literally talk about other things aside from MST. 

Rifftrax Halloween Show: Amityville 4, NBC 0 (or Night of Beelzebulb)

 

It's never good when a television network tries to make shows out of movies (with some exceptions)
It's worse when they try to continue movie franchises, as NBC did when it made a sequel to the Amityville Horror in 1989. 

                                       

It thought it had a winner when Patty Duke and a small army of priests battle an evil lamp.
AN. EVIL. LAMP.
They shouldn't be fooled by what it looks like. It's ready to pounce, even at the mom from Father Knows Best.

 

The Rifftrax crew of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett (who was dressed as a skeleton) and Kevin Murphy provided a lot of solid riffs against this movie when they appeared a few days before Halloween in Nashville.

The movie's about an evil lamp from Amityville, NY (natch) who's defeated by an army of priests. It's bought by someone in a garage sale, who sends it to her sister (Jane Wyatt) in Southern California as a "gag".
She lives in a big house, and is joined by a widow (Patty Duke) and her three kids. 

Naturally, evil things happen thanks to the lamp. It possesses the youngest daughter by tricking her into thinking it's really her dead daddy, and also kills the housekeeper with its cord. It also causes the house to kill a plumber. 

One of the Amityville priests eventually arrives at the evil house, and the final battle is pretty dumb due to bad writing and Dollar Store special effects. Let's just say the possessed child does a decent impression of the main villain from a recent sci-fi movie.

The riffs come fast and hard, and they center on the lamp and past roles from the main stars. They comment on how Duke's character dreams of a twin cousin, and also cheesesteaks. Wyatt accuses one of her grandkids of lying, since she was also Spock's mom (really). We also had these gems:

Jessica arrives, pre-possessed
You finally got out of that well

The young priest tries to call the family about the lamp, then the lamp calls back and melts the phone receiver.
That's what happens when you have too many jalapeno poppers

The water suddenly turns black
We're in Flint, Michigan

The lamp kills the maid
This could happen once we all get smart homes

Jessica explains why she thinks her lamp is dad
He has more charisma and a better physique.

There's also riffs on Dennis Miller, Mother Teresa, Pixar, Only Fans and Back to the Future.

It was preceded by a short on industrial accidents called "It's Your Accident". It's supposed to show people how they should take responsibility on work safety. It centers on two guys named Mike who injure their hands, and a guy named Joe who seems to like to dodge forklifts.

It's not as good as "Shake Hands With Danger" or "Live and Learn", but it does show a weird scene where the older Mike's teen daughter fed the younger Mike some tomatoes. A better way to describe it is "Andy Richter in Falling Down".

The Rifftrax guys should be commended for getting this year's live show season off the ground after losing a year due to the COVID 19 pandemic. Hopefully, it'll be business as usual next year when they have a new Kickstarter campaign going.

It's A Wonderful Riff, Rifftrax, But It Could Have Been Better

 

This has been the Holy Grail for Rifftrax fans: seeing the riff of the ultimate holiday movie, and which has been the source of many riffs from this and MST3K.

The week before Christmas, Rifftrax finally presented a VOD of.....MOST of It's A Wonderful Life.
The entire movie is still owned by Paramount, although it was a TV favorite in the 80s when it was under public domain until 1996. 
Fans have been clamoring for a "just the jokes" version for the past three years, since it seems a VOD is out of the question.

Then Mike Nelson and the gang discovered most of the story, except for act three, is public domain. Some of the music is also under copyright but certainly not Buffalo Gals.
This is how he was able to provide an edited version of the movie, although some had thought they were getting the whole thing.

The story, of course, is about how George Bailey, who had big dreams, thinks he's a failure being stuck in his home town of Bedford Falls. An angel named Clarence, who wants to earn his wings (yet apparently hasn't had too many chances to get them), figures out he can show what life would have been without George.

This version is almost able to cleanly remove act three and still let the movie make sense, but those who have watched the movie may miss the "Potterstown" scenes.
Actually, the Rifftrax Yule Log has some copywritten clips from the movie, including the scene where George tries to convince Mary she's his wife. 

The riffs are pretty good, and can get dark at times. Note the scene where George finds out Harry had married and was offered a new job outside Bedford Falls. The riff at this moment is a little unexpected.
Then there's Mike talking as George's dad admitting he'd rather have a daughter.
Uh, this movie might change his mind. 

While the VOD is good, it would have been better to have the "just the jokes" soundtrack for the whole movie. Several other fans have the same idea apparently, and it should happen. Imagine the comedy gold the RT gang would have mined from George's inability to recognize he's in an alternate world that doesn't include him. He passes it off as a dream, spell or bad liquor.
At least in Tiny Toons' version of the movie in 1992, Buster Bunny recognizes where he is after it's literally spelled out to him. It takes a while for George to get the message.

So, let's get to the riffs:

The title is in quotes
Seems kind of sarcastic

George (talking about suitcases):  I want a big one
I thought this was a family movie.

"Why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?"
Good advice, voyeuristic porch guy.

Ruth, Harry's new wife:  "George, George, George, that's all Harry talks about"
Even in bed

George mopes after refusing a job offer from Potter (but then why take it?) but then learns he'll be a father. 
Kind of creepy to remember that Clarence is silently watching all this

George: We've got to find that money!
Have you looked under a big W?

There's also riffs on Willy Wonka, Robert Altman, Quibi, Dianetics, and Lana Turner. 

Rifftrax's version of It's A Wonderful Life can be found on its website. 

Rifftrax Live Battles Jack-O, Not That One

This is me in a movie theater for the first time since February, thanks to Dr. Trump.
To be honest, if there were movies worth risking coronavirus for, I would go to an Imax theater, since I got a Galaxy gift card at a discount.
Sadly, Tenet ain't it.

However, Rifftrax is a different matter.
At this time, we were supposed to see a TV-movie knockoff of the Amityville Horror involving an evil lamp. Thanks to the pandemic, we have to wait a year for that.

This year, instead, we got a movie called Jack-O, about an evil pumpkin demon who's gunning for the ancestors of the family who offed him.

To be honest, having a VOD at theaters is just not the same as a live show. The excitement is not there. That's why Jack-O was a bit dull, but good considering the circumstances.

Anyway, the movie is about a nerdy kid named Sean Kelly, the ancestor of the last guy who killed Jack-O at the risk of his own life.
Thanks to some drunk teens who like Hamm's Special Light a bit too much, Jack-O is revived and starts killing people. They include one of the teens and a mean grocer who doesn't give out candy.

The parents have no idea, but a strange woman with Billy Squier hair seems to know something, and decides to get too close to Sean.
A really sexy babysitter played by Leanna Quigley (a horror film superstar) also figures into all of this.

A big question is why the movie included cameos by John Carradine (as a so-called wizard) and Cameron Mitchell (as a TV horror host), since both died before the movie was done.
Also, how did they get Carradine if he died seven years before this movie was made? He did look Photoshopped in there (but IMDB hints this may have come from stock footage and why this was the reason behind this movie). 
If both were healthier at the time, we could have had a knockoff of Fright Night.

Also, the opening titles has "Jack-O" and the word "Lantern". Were they worried people would think the movie had Michael Jackson in it?

On top of that, they come up with a really dumb way to kill the Pumpkin Guy. Let's say it's an insult to the "chosen one" cliche.

The riffing was pretty good, though, with a lot of variety of subjects from Equus and  Billy Joel to Tik Tok and My Pillow.
Some examples:

"Pumpkinhead"
What a great new insult for Trump on Twitter

Jack-O's at the mean grocer's house
I need directions to Ichabod Crane's house

The wife of the guy who's trying to kill Jack-O in 1915
I wonder if the Sears Roebuck catalog sells new husbands.

Before the movie there was a short about Halloween safety that was also shown during the Mads (Trace and TV's Frank) festival of shorts the night before. Granted, there aren't too many Halloween safety shorts, but maybe they should have dug a bit deeper.
I still say the kid that had to change his robot costume to make it safer was actually wearing a ballot box, and Rifftrax should have made a riff from that.
Actually, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl have a better Halloween short, plus other clips with this offering at the Rifftrax site.

As far as going to the movies was concerned, it wasn't that different than the old days. There was only a plexiglass shield to protect the ticket takers, and posters about how the theater was staying COVID-free. If only there were movies that would get them back, 
There are....but at streaming services.

By the way, an R-rated version of Jack-O is now available on Rifftrax. It means seeing the baby sitter in the shower, in a pervy way, plus some bloodier scenes. 
Is this what Frankie Goes to Hollywood meant when they said "Are we living in a land where sex and horror are the new gods?"
In the 1990s home video world, pretty much. 

Rifftrax Tries Live Online Riffing, Gets Stuck In Upside Down For A While

After the country was overrun by the coronavirus, media companies have been forced to provide us with entertainment through cable or streaming channels. That's why we got several concerts or Zoom gatherings at first, followed by more complex events.

Since Rifftrax's theater events have been in limbo thanks to the pandemic (we're still waiting for Hobgoblins, which will be shown in theaters just before Halloween...we hope), the gang decided to experiment with something called Scener, where a couple thousand people can see the same screen and respond with others. The idea was to have Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy riff the first episode of Stranger Things while the viewers also rant via text. It was similar to The Mads doing an online riff on Glen or Glenda recently. The viewers were mostly either backers through Kickstarter or Patreon.

It was a rough first voyage for the crew, more glitchy than the live broadcast of MST3K's final day of their Kickstarter campaign. It started about five minutes late, and the tech crew had a tough time trying to get all three riffers online. At one point, Bill's mike was down and Kevin and Mike had to reboot like crazy to be heard. It was something to see.

Also, Mike was singing like Bing Crosby while coming up with puns. For example, he thought about a broken golf club that was "Stranger Pings" or how Chandler from Friends would show up in a spinoff called "Stranger Bings". This was while he couldn't hear or see anything else.
Ah, bloopers.

Once they got past the opening credits at around 6 PM Pacific, it worked very well. All three riffers were online, the video lagged a bit, but it worked great.
This shows Mike and the guys should try a couple more "beta tests" before making this the alternative to Fathom Events shows since nearly all theaters are closed for now, They have riffed on Game of Thrones, Westworld and Walking Dead's first episodes. They can use those for future beta tests or maybe a chapter from the Batman serial.

OK, now, how about the riffs?
They were rather 80s-centric, even commenting on what songs were being played in the background.
Again, they got much better once the Scener process worked better.

Now, let's list a few:

A scientist at the Hawkins lab runs into an elevator after something goes wrong (natch)
The elevator blood from The Shining is very late today.

Chief Hopper makes his first appearance
My Joe Don Baker Detector is going off the charts

The scientists at the lab get into hazmat suits before they confront the Upside Down
They're going to the grocery store in 2020 (only current riff)

Hopper talking to Will's friends:  One at a damn time
My personal feeling about Marvel movies

Eleven stares at a fan and makes it stop
Kubrick stare. Everybody duck!

Joyce, Will's mom, answers the phone, hoping for news
Do you like scary movies? Oops, sorry, wrong number.

This version, different from the "Just the Jokes"version, also included riffs on Toto, Molly Ringwald, Schlitz, Delaware, and Stand By Me.

The riff for Stranger Things is available now at the website. It can be downloaded into the app, and people can synch it up if they see it on Netflix, or have the download or the DVD set

The Farce Was Strong With This One: Rifftrax Sinks Rise of Skywalker

This says it all:

C3P-O:  Will this agony ever end?
Mike Nelson:  My review of every Star Wars.

And this comes from a guy who dealt with the Twilight Saga.

This doesn't mean Rifftrax is also the Rian Johnson Fan Club, but the gang really did a number on the final Star Wars movie, Rise of Skywalker. They mocked the story, the characters, the props, everything.
While there have been complaints, and some praising the movie, it's safe to say Mike, Bill and Kevin came up with some real zingers. Be very afraid, Avengers: Endgame

The story is about the attempt to make the First Order the master race of the universe thanks to a cloned Palpatine. Of course, Rey has to be connected, and she is. We find out her real last name, and so does she in a duel with Kylo Ren. There's a bunch of other things that people complained about, like seeing two characters we thought were gone (but forgetting it didn't stop another character around 40 years ago).

This blog will concentrate on what kind of riffs these bitter, bitter men made through the 135 or so minutes of the movie. Again, it's amazing they were that rough. It's as if they were convinced Stephanie Meyer and JJ Abrams were to blame.
Then again, they did throw in a couple of Twilight jokes.
If there's one complaint, it's pointing out Carrie Fisher was in this movie after she died (thanks to CGI, but Catching Fire 2 did the same thing) way too many times, starting with this:

"The dead speak!", from the opening crawl
So I guess Carrie Fisher is in this, too.

Then there were these...

Rey trains as a Jedi, even on a tightrope
The sequel to Man on Wire looks a bit desperate

They get to the Acky Acky Festival
Oh, crap, it's Burning Man

Rey heals an injured sand worm
I have an HMO. Is this off-network?

Then she's alone in the desert.
This is turning into a Calvin Klein perfume ad.

Then she discovers she can release lightning from her fingers in that duel with Kylo Ren
Damn static buildup

Rey corners Zorii Bliss with her Lightsaber
You have the right to resemble the Rocketeer.

Kylo to Rey:  "Your parents were no one"
Chris Lemmon and Frank Stallone? (This makes no sense. Mom should be Sean Young)

Then he holds out his hand to her:
I know those gloves. You framed OJ Simpson

Leia with her dying breath: Ben
Kylo: Hannah? You want me to go back to Brooklyn?

Palpatine:  I am all the Sith
Rey:  and I...
Let the dogs out.

There's also riffs on the NFL, Manchester United, The Masked Singer, Benny Hill, Game of Thrones, Gwar, Death Cab For Cutie and Teri Hatcher.
It also has the best "mike drop" line since The Dark Knight.

Fans can riff every Star Wars movie by getting the mp3's at Rifftrax's website.

It's Kickstarter Season at Rifftrax: Goblins and The Evil Lamp

It's that time of year again....time to pay for three guys who want to mock bad movies in front of a few hundred people in Nashville, then expect thousands nationwide to go to movie theaters and see them do it.

It's worked so far, and they're doing it again.
This time, though, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett have decided to have only two movies rather than three in their annual Kickstarter campaign. There's been some comments in the True Blue Riffcast, which reviews Rifftrax shows every week. It's been pointing out the guys might be more likely to do only two shows a year rather than three mainly due to costs and a process that's more complicated than the Setting Up a Room short.
Anyway, they're going with two shows this year as they did in 2018. It's offering an MST fave and, for the first time, a TV movie.

On June 11th, Rifftrax takes on Hobgoblins, a movie so painful Mike, Servo and Crow tried to sneak out 22 years ago. It's a terrible knockoff of Gremlins, where a guy with a prune-colored car and a frigid girlfriend has to deal with some tiny uncute monsters who escaped from a vault in Hollywood. It was made by Rick Sloane, who also made Blood Theater. Sad, really.
At least it inspired one of the best riffs ever: "It's the 80s. Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan"

Then on October 21st, the gang has its first Halloween show in a while, Amityville 4, The Evil Escapes. Believe it or not, this is the "evil". It's an ugly lamp possessed by a demon who apparently wants to hug the unsuspecting to death. This was based on a book, and eventually became a TV movie in 1989 with Jane Wyatt from Father Knows Best and Patty Duke. Expect jokes about old sitcoms in that one.

Just like last year, the goal is 225 thousand dollars. It's certain Rifftrax will hit that goal. (UPDATE: it hit the goal at 10 AM Eastern the day after the campaign began). The real issue is what stretch goals they'll be offering. Last year, fans got mp3 riffs including Street Fighter, the sequel to Jurassic World, and Rise of Skywalker (coming in April). This year, maybe they can finally do The Five Doctors mp3, or make it easier to get a riff on It's a Wonderful Life approved. It would be interesting if they took on Birds of Prey or something like that. As for bonus VODs, that's harder to predict. Maybe Hobgoblins 2, which exists? Really.

Anyway, people can chip in at this link.

Rifftrax's Video Arcade Theater Returns With Street Fighter

When Rifftrax had its annual Kickstarter campaign, it offered an mp3 riff for the 1994 video game movie Street Fighter. This was remembered as a really bad action movie. People would have preferred the original Street Fighter 2 game footage.
The riff is now available to everyone, and it's a worthy successor to the other lousy video game movie, "Super" Mario Brothers. 

Jean Claude Van Damme is the star as Colonel Guile, who battles your basic video game madman named M. Bison, played by Raul Julia. He wants 20 billion in three days or he'll destroy the world and rebuild it as Bisonopolis (which sounds like a ballpark Buffalo wisely never made). He even has a new currency system which will go into effect if the Queen gets kidnapped. 
The characters in the game have new roles to fit the movie. Chun-Li is a news reporter and part-time ninja (really), Honda and Balrog work with her. Ken and Ryu are con artists who have some fighting skills (Ryu mostly) and Dhalsim is a scientist instead of a yoga master.
As for Blanka, the big green mutant who's supposed to be Guile's adversary, the movie makes him more like "Carrot Top as Bruce Banner".
It was Julia's last movie before he died of a stroke, but it was also an attempt to make Kylie Minogue a movie star. Also, fans of Agents of SHIELD should look closely at Chun-Li, and realize they're looking at a mission Melinda May would rather not talk about (I was really surprised Ming-Na Wen was in this movie).

The Rifftrax crew spent a lot of the movie not being pleased about it, as usual. While they did talk about how this was Julia's last movie, and how all-American Van Damme was not (but not talking about how his drug habit affected production), they just wondered how over-blown and confusing the whole thing was. The movie still made a good chunk of cash, and it'll be interesting if anyone will suggest a 25th anniversary release later this year.

One thing, though: as Guile was battling Bison, how come the guys never said, "You may be a good fighter, Guile, but you still lost to a nerd from Seattle." Gee, that was a fat pitch they never got.

So, time for riffs:

M. Bison is walking around, threatening everyone
My father was M. Bison. Please call me Murray

Guile "interrupts" a fight by driving his Super Jeep into the ring
The Kool-Aid man got his driver's license

Guile tells Ryu and Ken to work for him. "The only way you two are leaving is over my dead body"
Good thing that wasn't Raul's line

Guile is "shot"
He died as he lived, unconvincingly.

Of course, he's OK, and has his big speech:
"Now who wants to go home, and who wants to go with me?"
Some fine war-mongering, self. now let's get some men killed.

Bison tries to get sexy with Chun-Li, gets almost clobbered by her
This is that Antarctic kung fu that she studied.

Bison floats around in a round desk
This is totally how Elon Musk sees himself, by the way

There's also riffs on Shane (which may divide movie fans), Kiss of the Spider Woman, Ed Sheeran, Virtual Boy games, Woodstock 99, Cynthia Rothrock and QBert.

Street Fighter is available at all the video streaming sites, while the riff is now at the Rifftrax site.

PACKERS! Rifftrax vs Giant Spider Invasion

Rifftrax celebrated its 30th live show this week by revisiting one of its episodes from 1997. It was also another reason for Mike, Kevin and Bill to mock Wisconsin with impunity.

The Giant Spider Invasion is known for many things, mostly uncomfortable. It was directed by Bill Rebane, who was also responsible for Monster-A-Go-Go (making what Servo said after that movie sadly inaccurate). It also featured Alan Hale Jr. and Barbara Hale, many years after their well-known TV roles. Mostly, it has this guy...

A grimy farmer named Kester who's not happy with his drunken wife but is sure happy to see her way-too-curvy younger sister. He's described as what would happen if  Deliverance was him. He's played by Robert Easton, who had a small role in The Touch of Satan and also co-wrote this "movie". Actually, there was no script according to this, and it shows.

Anyway, Kester, his wife and sister live in a rundown farm where something crashes from the sky.
They find a bunch of rocks that seem to have diamonds. They really have some spiders inside that crawl all over the place. Eventually one of them grows really big.
Meanwhile, two scientists head to town, thinking the Spider Meteor or whatever has created a mini-black hole that could open up our world to a dimension where monsters might invade. They don't, but it's an excuse for Barbara Hale to sound scientific for 90 minutes.

There's really icky deaths, and a very slow spider interrupting a county fair. As the Rifftrax guys say, it's the most accurate depiction of northern Wisconsin ever.

Compared to the original version on MST3K, the Rifftrax version wasn't as mean about Wisconsin. At least more MAGA jokes were expected, but it was a very good pummeling of a really cheesy (what else since it was made in Wisconsin) movie. It's also interesting the spiders were supposedly a sign of God's wrath since the movie has an intense preacher yelling fire and brimstone while they crawl all over.

Before the movie, the show featured a short called Adventures in Telezonia. It mainly talks about how great phones are, and they use the same marionettes that were featured in The Sound of Music. Some telephone sprites help a kid who thinks he lost his dog. The puppets are expressive, even if the story is not. There's one moment where Handy, the hero, says "take your finger out" and really makes it sound obscene. It's actually one of the best shorts they've done in a while. It shows us how far things have come in 60 years, from rotary phones to iPhones...and who remembers having a party line ("A party line is like a tree, and its leaves are lonely perverts")?

OK, let's feature some riffs, and we'll compare some between MST and Rifftrax:

"Hellfire and brimstone, that's what in store for you"
MST: Dennis Rodman, you've been listening?
RT:  Sounds good...what?

The spider lands
MST:  Hooterville was decimated by SCUD missiles that day
RT:  Just one of the normal fertilizer explosions

Kester shows up with a gun, wearing a union suit. True horror
MST:  He's lactating. What a handsome man
RT: Santa's gone through a rough patch

Then the spider eats Kester.
MST:  Does it matter the spider ate him with his butt?
RT:  He died as he lived, lusting after his wife's sister

There's also riffs on Samurai Cop, the Heaven's Gate cult, Chick-Fil-A, dad jokes, Marie Kondo and Charlotte's Web.

What also makes this movie special is that it includes a marriage proposal after the film in an outtake. Also, the pre-show slides actually do make good points. Quentin Tarantino's accent in Django Unchained was a big mistake, and the font for Stranger Things is the real star of the show.
But Stop of My Mother the Car Will Shoot? No.

The VOD for the movie is available for pre-order, and will arrive in mid-October. The MST version is in volume 10.2 from Shout Factory.

Saber Raine, Saber Raine: Rifftrax Presents Sci-Fi From Your Mom's Backyard

Casper Van Dien has come....forward...since the Starship Troopers movies, and being a silent bartender and a few other things in Con Man. A couple of years ago, he helped make Star Raiders, which there was hope would have Saber Raine a household name. Sure, it was partially funded by Kickstarter, but he was hoping it would lead to medium-sized things.

Instead, it was found by Rifftrax.

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett were good-natured in their, er, comments when they showed this in their latest live show this past week. It's another of those movies with big dreams but small results. 

As usual, it's the script that's the real problem. We have Saber Raine (which sounds like a song Prince would sing if his career was in the Civil War), a disgraced space captain who's now stranded on some planet. He's apparently known for his saber skills that are used only once, and has guns, too. Everyone else has ray guns, since it's outer space.

Anyway, the main plot is some guy named Sinjin capturing Tyr and Calliope, heirs to the kingdom of Ares. Of course, he wants to take over with the help of ugly bugs. He has that Darth Vader vibe until he unmasks, and tells her the truth about her people...

No, the truth doesn't make her eyes red. She instead wears a face mask Elton John threw away.
From there, Saber, a blond girl named Fade, a guard that looks like either Kevin Smith or Captain Lou Albano, and a snake lady named Crotalus battle the bad guys with cheesy special effects, and try to destroy an evil castle made out of mutated Playmobil parts.

There's also an Aussie guy named Jax who's actually well known as an artist in DC's Green Arrow. Too bad he's described as "Truman Capote's last role".

There's also a saber battle between Calliope and Sabre which is just as terrible as you can get. He even pretends that he might join her if the price is right, and it's not even close to convincing. It's also odd that some promo ads found online imply they'll be allies. Nope.

Also, martial arts legend Cynthia Rothrock makes an appearance late in the movie as a major galactic official. The good news is that she isn't married to Santa Claus, but it would have been better if she kicked someone for old times sake.
Otherwise, it was a BIG snore.  Starcrash was better than this.

Before this, there was a short on telling the truth. It involved three boys tossing rocks at things, including a towel. Too bad they didn't see the window in back of it. The gang pointed out one of the kids in the film had so many freckles he could be Young Rorschach from the Watchkids (get it?).

This is the first time Rifftrax has offered a show that's taped ahead of time, and if you didn't know that, it looks like any other show. There was a report in Indiana someone aired the show too early. So, let's hear it for live shows.

OK, let's get to the riffs:

"Circe, open the channel"
And don't have sex with your brother, Jamie

One of the Ares guards mentions the other one "died as he lived, with honor" to the snake lady, Crotalus.
Cool, I eat flies.

Sinjin unmasks
Hell of a zit!

Evil Calliope: Cavaliers, most likely
They smell like Cleveland

"For 1992, these special effects aren't too bad."
"This was from 18 months ago"

Sinjin tells Calliope she's about to experience a transformation, or recasting...
"What you lose in beauty you will gain in immeasurable power"
What you don't tell your wife before a haircut.

There are also riffs on Seth Green, Dave Attell, Disneyland, a really pale alien who used to be part of MST3K, Chipotle and Fort Worth.

Rifftrax wraps up its season with a second look at The Giant Spider Invasion on August 15th and 20th. It's uncut, so expect more scenes of  men sitting in front of a fire-and-brimstone preacher and thinking about the chicks they're going to almost have sex with, unsexy scenes with scantily clad women,  and Perry Mason's secretary rolling down a hill. Might be an extra "PACKERS" yell, too.

Rifftrax Finds A Movie That Makes Tommy Wiseau Almost Orson Welles Jr.

If Kinga Forrester is still scowling at Moon 13 waiting for Netflix to call, she'd also scowl at Rifftrax, the arch-enemy to her plans to make Mystery Science Theater 3000 bigger than the Avengers.

Still, she realizes she has standards. While she may be upset she didn't get Octaman when she had the chance, she would have gotten a 39 1/2 foot pole to make sure she got nowhere near one of RT's latest presentations, Blood Theater.

This was the first feature for Rick Sloane, who was behind the making of Hobgoblins more than 30 years ago (the movie was part of season nine of MST3K). Here, he did everything except make the popcorn in this slasher movie.

It involves a theater where people get killed including the staff. As the movie starts, some guy kills everyone while trying to film a performance of someone trying to be Yoko Ono or a "human Theremin". Apparently death is a habit here, because it's happened several times.

Many years later, a chain called Spotlite takes the place over. It's run by a human mannequin named Murdoch and Miss Maxwell, who looks like she's destined to be married with children. She's played by Mary Woronov, who had better luck battling Ramones.

The staff seem to be high school students, but their age rivals the actors in the Teen Agers movies. One of the girls, Jennifer, is a cheerleader, while two work on the concession stand and whine about it a lot. 

From there, the staff try to get the place open, but strange things happen. Occasionally, some old man pops out of nowhere and stabs people, usually oblivious teens. Late in the film, one guy dies in the most unconvincing electrocution ever, while another gets beheaded. 

There is one death scene that is actually a dream Jen has. Pity, because she would have had the most interesting scene in the whole film. 

What about Murdoch and Miss Maxwell? They do next to nothing about it. He's upset the motel next to their main theater ("The Norm Macdonald Memorial Sheraton") is closed because of the hookers. He also decides to go to a convention, but winds up getting mugged for the bootleg movies he's got.

Eventually, it's revealed the former theater owner killed everyone because....well, it doesn't matter.

At least it ends with a one-second scene where two cops show up to "investigate."

There's some really random scenes that are dead ends even before they start. They include Murdoch in a film telling people to get some popcorn (clearly the ultimate in horror), and a typewriter that tells one of the staff members he can own the theater. Of course, that guy gets killed ten minutes later.

There is a brief shot of bare breasts just after a girl is being advised by an angel and a devil. Really. Apparently it's all because of stealing stale popcorn.

The only reason this movie exists is to tell people who saw Hobgoblins that it could have been worse.
That's not helpful.

Let's get to the riffs:

Jen, Malcolm and Adrian enter the evil theater
The theater's been closed for two weeks but people are still waiting for Avengers: Endgame to end.

Jen combs her hair in a room
I'll never turn into Tonya Harding at this rate

A trailer for "Clown Whores of Hollywood"
Wait, this isn't a Madonna video?

Just before someone gets killed , an 8-bit version of Venus starts.
This is the first time I ever missed Bananarama.

There's also riffs on a Jerry Lewis movie no one can see, Golden Corral (of course), Jacksonville, FL, Catholics and Sherlock Gnomes.

This movie is available on the Rifftrax website, along with a reminder of the next live show, Star Raiders with Casper Van Dien. This was a Kickstarter project, but it will look like The Last Jedi compared to Blood Theater.