Can Jemma Simmons Come Up With A Way To Make Hallmark Channel Movies GOOD?

Now that production of Agents of SHIELD is over (it's supposed to air next May, but March would be better), the cast has gone on to other roles and other projects. Chloe Bennett is doing well with the animated movie Abominable, while Ming-Na Wen is shaking things up on The Mandalorian.

Elizabeth Henstridge, aka Jemma Fitz-Simmons (and she better wind up as that next year), decided to make one of the zillions of Christmas movies made by the Hallmark Channel. Christmas at the Plaza aired last Thanksgiving for the first time. It had some good ideas, but, like way too many of the Hallmark movies, they weren't used very well. It also had the over-used cliches of romantic triangles and meet-cutes.

This will have spoilers, so be warned.










OK, the plot involves a historian named Jessica who's been hired by the Plaza to come up with a Christmas display that connects with the history of the hotel. Naturally, the files are in the basement and wildly unorganized. She also has three weeks to come up with something, because every Hallmark movie requires some weak suspense. It's the same as "our town is threatened by a city slicker who thinks our ornament industry/friendly inn/general store/holiday traditions should be torn down to make way for a megastore". This is often added by the fact the "threat" is an old boyfriend/girlfriend.

Here, though, she figures out the tree toppers at the hotel's Christmas tree have been different over the years. So, she has her display idea. She also gets help from a guy named Nick who also has a holiday decorating business. Naturally, she denies being attracted to him. Besides, she has a boyfriend (Mr. Ex-Beau) who seems to be interested in getting funding for his latest project than her.

The movie does have a good hook: Jessica learns there wasn't a tree-topper in 1969, and wants to know why. She and Nick find the guy who made them (and the identity is pretty interesting), but he won't say why. It's revealed eventually, of course.
The display is a hit, Jessica and Nick get together, etc.

While it's a cute movie, it could have been better...A LOT!
First, Henstridge talks in an American accent. It proves she can do that, but are Hallmark Channel fans allergic to foreign accents? She's from Sheffield. Put it in the movie.
Second, her character almost gives up ten minutes into the movie. Why? Nick's there.
As we said before, Jessica has the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. He seems to be unimpressed with her display idea because it's not prestigious enough. They don't seem to be connected very much as a couple. She's supposed to meet his parents, and she doesn't know who bought the tickets for that trip?
That's a hint.
It could have been better for the boyfriend to try to hide Jessica's project from the faculty head he's trying to impress. However, the guy does find out and thinks it's just fine, commenting on the mountain of homemade ornaments he's got at home. This will be followed by the deflating of the boyfriend.
The movie also suddenly decides to introduce Nick's ex-girlfriend, but only to dash Jessica's romantic hopes for eight seconds. If the movie was supposed to have a triangle, it would have been better to decide on the image-conscious boyfriend or the ex-girlfriend who looked down at Nick's decorating business.
The scene where Jess is "forced" to sing with Nick's family should have been taken out. It didn't really add much.
The center of the movie should have been the tree toppers and the one missing from '69, and how both Jessica and Nick track it down and (of course) get together.

As for the future (aside from the inevitable encore of SHIELD), it's easy to see Henstridge in Victorian stories or period pieces. Thanks to Marvel, it's also easy to see her being prim and proper while firing a shotgun. Hello, Tom Cruise.

Hallmark Channel movies are basically candy canes for the brain. It fills time. Still, if they edited the script for Christmas at the Plaza a couple more times, it would have been more interesting.
You don't use a "romantic rival" for eight seconds so the heroine fears she may lose the guy she's not interested in yet. It's just science.

The End of MST3K on Netflix, or Kinga is Invaded by Australians

Well, it is now official, more than a year after Kinga Forrester imposed the Gauntlet on Jonah Heston, Crow and Servo. What she expected, no one knows, because she clearly forgot when Clayton Forrester tried to show people 30 hours of the show in a row and nothing much happened.

Netflix has decided not to make a third series of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That was confirmed was Joel Hodgson in his latest Revival League e-mail. There were rumblings about it for a while, including Facebook and Reddit. Some have also pointed out the show's last season on Comedy Central was six shows. Well, it turns out they were right.
Apparently, Netflix prefers making movies that might win Academy Awards than show a guy and two robots be movie critics for 90 minutes.
Then again, it also doesn't think it needs Marvel. That'll backfire.

So, I was thinking, how would Kinga respond to the news?
It could be this....

Kinga and Max are on Moon 13, plotting their next movie against Jonah, as soon as he gets back from last year's live tour.

"You'd think they'd be back by now," Max would say. "Synthia wouldn't double cross us, would she?"

"She better not," Kinga could say. "She's Pearl's clone...and suddenly I'm worried because I don't think Pearl respects me as she should. I mean, she's gone to the enemy...Rifftrax! Sure, she's good with her friend Bridget but that means she's with Nelson. AHHHH!"

She hits Max, of course, but he pokes her back.
"Look, hitting me changes nothing," Max says. "Surely Netflix will give us another series. They wouldn't throw us away. Since they dumped Marvel, they have nothing...except Stranger Things, Atypical, Adam Sandler movies that aren't embarrassing, that sci-fi mob movie..."
"What?"
"The Irishman. Any movie that makes Robert DeNiro younger is sci-fi"
"Well, if it's a movie that's not only longer than Endgame but better, you have to hand it to them...especially with the first scene DeNiro has with Pesci. Now THAT's special effects."

Then the Deep Hurting ship shows up. Kinga meets it along with some Boneheads and Max.
"FINALLY," Kinga bellows. "Get the tubes ready. The Deep Hurting shall resume! Locking us in that second theater didn't trap us for long, and seeing those bad movies gave me ideas for new nightmare-fueled movies. Jonah will be sorry he didn't fake-marry me"

The ship lands, and Kinga says, "Welcome, you doomed, pathetic...."
It's not Jonah. Or the bots.
"Hello, Kinga, remember me?"
"Martha Masters???"
"Yes, Martha Masters, CEO of Gizmonic Institute. As you can see, Synthia is with me."
"Hello, Bonehead," Synthia says sweetly with cyanide.
"Boy, some loyal clone you are," Kinga says.
"Hey, I am loyal to my maker, Pearl...sort of," Synthia explains. "You knew I'd double cross you and try to take over the experiment. The second live show tour changed that."
"Indeed," Masters says.  "It took a while to track you down after Jonah disappeared a year ago (in storyline terms), but we figured out this was happening in our old Moon base. Jonah visited us when he was in town, and told us about your revival of that dumb experiment that made great TV."
"Yes, it did, and I have created a vast empire. New shows! New fans! Overpriced souvenirs sold in two live tours! Live tours!! SWAG!!! Comedy Central and SyFy never bothered with that...or Rifftrax."
"All right," Masters said. "I'll give you that, but cloning?"
"Hey, that was Grandma Pearl..."
"Kinga, you do know you're not really Dr. Clayton Forrester's daughter."
"NO! I am Dr. Forrester's child!"
"ADOPTED!"
"YES!!", Kinga admitted. "That counts, right?"
"Yeah, but you know you're not that much like him. For one thing, your hair's too good. And 'nightmare-fueled world' is so cliche. A more apt description is 'cheap and pathetic' for these movies."
"Well, I tried. I even stole ideas from Jonah for the Invention Exchange. That's what the old Mads did. By the way, they're buried on Mearth."
"Actually, they faked their deaths and are atoning by mocking movies nationwide but not California for some reason," Masters revealed. "They also have a podcast"
"So that story Dr. Erhardt said was a lie?", Kinga says. "I'm crushed."
"Well, maybe he wanted to show he was alive after all. He doesn't like being a forgotten henchman"

"Uh, speaking of forgotten henchmen.." Max says.
"Oh, Max Frank,or whatever your name is." Masters says.
"It's TV's Son of TV's Frank, actually."
"Really. Is that what it says on your birth certificate?"
"It should. I mean, it exists...unless Dad is hiding something from me."
"Well," Masters says, "I'm sure you are Frank's son. He must have gotten lucky once in his Soultaker days."
She also looks at him looking a bit too longingly at Kinga "Still have lousy taste in women, I see."
"Hey, Kinga's my bae"
"I AM NOT!"
"Well, I care about you, a lot more than Neville, that space magician."
"Man, he was a big dud as a date. FTW, K, my ass!," Masters grumbles.
"Gee, talk about..."

"QUIET! Anyway, aside from wanting to put you all in chains," Masters says, "I'm here to say Netflix has pulled the plug on MST3K."
"DAMMIT!!!", Kinga yells as she tries to hit everyone before Max and a couple of the Boneheads restrain her. "First Comedy Central, now this."
"I know," Masters says, "It was great to have people talk about Gizmonics again. However, that doesn't mean it's all over. It's not 1999. There are other options."
"Yes!," Kinga says, "We can kidnap someone else, blackmail Twitch or HBO Max to carry us, offer same-day delivery to Amazon Prime members..."
"How?"
"Satellite of Love, of course."
"Well, there are better options," Masters says.  "Also, we have a third live show that apparently includes someone named Mega-Synthia..."
"What?" Synthia asks, "I thought that prototype was destroyed. I mean, a clone of Pearl and me? It's like cloning yourself twice. Icky. Besides, she looked like a member of GLOW, and I don't mean the Netflix show."
"Don't mention Netflix to me again," Kinga says. "I thought they believed in us, that we'd be the bedrock to their service, that without us they would fade away and die. Once again, MST3K gets betrayed by an ungrateful channel, dumped for something sexier."
"Well, at least we didn't get dumped for cheesy animation," Max says.
"Besides, Kinga, Disney Plus will cause more problems for Netflix, if it hasn't already thanks to Yoda Jr.," Synthia says.
"Yeah, their version of Nummy Muffin Cocoa Butter," Max says.

"While the live show continues, everything is on hold, but all you guys are going back to Gizmonic," Masters says.
"Doing what?", Kinga asks.
"Well, you could be the dung scooper for Trumpy"
"Sure, Dr. Donna St. Phibes, future fake boyfriend stealer, would love that", Kinga says. "By the way, where is she?"
"Back at Gizmonic and her zoo," Masters says.
"So, what do you have in store for Max and me?", Kinga asks, trying to look brave but failing.
"You can help us bring back the show," Masters says. "If you got us 20 new shows and some swag, it won't take 18 years to get back."
"Damn right it won't, and I'm sure Max and me will be as evil as ever."
"Well, if it comes to that. Mega-Synthia is pretty popular on the live show."
"Really", Synthia said with some bitterness.
"I can go back to being the rink rat at the New Beverly, now that it's open again," Max says. "I might find some other "nightmare-fueled movies."
"It could be tougher," Masters says, "since there's now money in being insulted."

Bonita, one of the Boneheads, asks, "What about us?"
"Well, you have a band, right?"
"Well, Friendster and his friends. We were supposed to be an army that would overrun the world, but we were better playing weddings and bar mitzvahs."
"Well, that's almost the same thing," Masters says. "I have friends that will get you on the circuit."

Kinga stands there, sad and disappointed. "I thought I was going to get billions from Disney, be a real big shot, laugh at the heaping, sobbing carcass of Grandma Pearl. Instead, I'm on a one-way ticket to Palookaville."
"Hey," Max says, "I'm the movie nut, not you."
"Yeah, well..."
"But Netflix will still run our shows..and we still have the swag that Shout Factory sells for us!"
"Yeah, and who's to say out diabolical plan won't work after all?"

"Wait," Bonita says, "why is a flying boomerang spaceship headed our way?"
They soon find out. A bunch of Australians get off the ship.
"OK, which one of you is Kinga Forrester?", a Hugh Jackman look-a-like asks. "If you think you're going to sink our beloved Australia unless you get ten billion dollars..."
"WAIT A MINUTE!", Kinga says. "First, it proves you saw one of our early live shows..."
"No, I got it from this book that Amazon sold online"
"Oh," she says. "We also sold this on the live shows. This is a script. I'd probably sink myself if I really tried. This is the intro to our riff of Eegah"
"You mean the movie where a caveman battles a six foot hairless warthog?"
"You mean Arch Hall Jr. Yeah, that's him."
"Actually, your new shows were really good, especially the Gauntlet"
"Thank you," Kinga says, "I was hoping it would be painful."
"Well," Not Hugh says, "maybe if you ended with Atlantic Rim instead of Ator..."
"We've gotten that a lot," Max says. "Would you like your book autographed?"
"As long as I'm here..."

Finally, Kinga and Max look at their former base, looking at what might have been.
Bonita approaches them. "Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show..."
"Do you really believe that?", Kinga and Max say.
Bonita weeps. So do Kinga and Max.

"We'll be back," Kinga vows. "If we have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, next Sunday A.D. will come"
"Or someone will take over," Max says.
"Well, I prefer us," Kinga says.
"So, our dads are doing a podcast, huh?"

Rifftrax's Video Arcade Theater Returns With Street Fighter

When Rifftrax had its annual Kickstarter campaign, it offered an mp3 riff for the 1994 video game movie Street Fighter. This was remembered as a really bad action movie. People would have preferred the original Street Fighter 2 game footage.
The riff is now available to everyone, and it's a worthy successor to the other lousy video game movie, "Super" Mario Brothers. 

Jean Claude Van Damme is the star as Colonel Guile, who battles your basic video game madman named M. Bison, played by Raul Julia. He wants 20 billion in three days or he'll destroy the world and rebuild it as Bisonopolis (which sounds like a ballpark Buffalo wisely never made). He even has a new currency system which will go into effect if the Queen gets kidnapped. 
The characters in the game have new roles to fit the movie. Chun-Li is a news reporter and part-time ninja (really), Honda and Balrog work with her. Ken and Ryu are con artists who have some fighting skills (Ryu mostly) and Dhalsim is a scientist instead of a yoga master.
As for Blanka, the big green mutant who's supposed to be Guile's adversary, the movie makes him more like "Carrot Top as Bruce Banner".
It was Julia's last movie before he died of a stroke, but it was also an attempt to make Kylie Minogue a movie star. Also, fans of Agents of SHIELD should look closely at Chun-Li, and realize they're looking at a mission Melinda May would rather not talk about (I was really surprised Ming-Na Wen was in this movie).

The Rifftrax crew spent a lot of the movie not being pleased about it, as usual. While they did talk about how this was Julia's last movie, and how all-American Van Damme was not (but not talking about how his drug habit affected production), they just wondered how over-blown and confusing the whole thing was. The movie still made a good chunk of cash, and it'll be interesting if anyone will suggest a 25th anniversary release later this year.

One thing, though: as Guile was battling Bison, how come the guys never said, "You may be a good fighter, Guile, but you still lost to a nerd from Seattle." Gee, that was a fat pitch they never got.

So, time for riffs:

M. Bison is walking around, threatening everyone
My father was M. Bison. Please call me Murray

Guile "interrupts" a fight by driving his Super Jeep into the ring
The Kool-Aid man got his driver's license

Guile tells Ryu and Ken to work for him. "The only way you two are leaving is over my dead body"
Good thing that wasn't Raul's line

Guile is "shot"
He died as he lived, unconvincingly.

Of course, he's OK, and has his big speech:
"Now who wants to go home, and who wants to go with me?"
Some fine war-mongering, self. now let's get some men killed.

Bison tries to get sexy with Chun-Li, gets almost clobbered by her
This is that Antarctic kung fu that she studied.

Bison floats around in a round desk
This is totally how Elon Musk sees himself, by the way

There's also riffs on Shane (which may divide movie fans), Kiss of the Spider Woman, Ed Sheeran, Virtual Boy games, Woodstock 99, Cynthia Rothrock and QBert.

Street Fighter is available at all the video streaming sites, while the riff is now at the Rifftrax site.

PACKERS! Rifftrax vs Giant Spider Invasion

Rifftrax celebrated its 30th live show this week by revisiting one of its episodes from 1997. It was also another reason for Mike, Kevin and Bill to mock Wisconsin with impunity.

The Giant Spider Invasion is known for many things, mostly uncomfortable. It was directed by Bill Rebane, who was also responsible for Monster-A-Go-Go (making what Servo said after that movie sadly inaccurate). It also featured Alan Hale Jr. and Barbara Hale, many years after their well-known TV roles. Mostly, it has this guy...

A grimy farmer named Kester who's not happy with his drunken wife but is sure happy to see her way-too-curvy younger sister. He's described as what would happen if  Deliverance was him. He's played by Robert Easton, who had a small role in The Touch of Satan and also co-wrote this "movie". Actually, there was no script according to this, and it shows.

Anyway, Kester, his wife and sister live in a rundown farm where something crashes from the sky.
They find a bunch of rocks that seem to have diamonds. They really have some spiders inside that crawl all over the place. Eventually one of them grows really big.
Meanwhile, two scientists head to town, thinking the Spider Meteor or whatever has created a mini-black hole that could open up our world to a dimension where monsters might invade. They don't, but it's an excuse for Barbara Hale to sound scientific for 90 minutes.

There's really icky deaths, and a very slow spider interrupting a county fair. As the Rifftrax guys say, it's the most accurate depiction of northern Wisconsin ever.

Compared to the original version on MST3K, the Rifftrax version wasn't as mean about Wisconsin. At least more MAGA jokes were expected, but it was a very good pummeling of a really cheesy (what else since it was made in Wisconsin) movie. It's also interesting the spiders were supposedly a sign of God's wrath since the movie has an intense preacher yelling fire and brimstone while they crawl all over.

Before the movie, the show featured a short called Adventures in Telezonia. It mainly talks about how great phones are, and they use the same marionettes that were featured in The Sound of Music. Some telephone sprites help a kid who thinks he lost his dog. The puppets are expressive, even if the story is not. There's one moment where Handy, the hero, says "take your finger out" and really makes it sound obscene. It's actually one of the best shorts they've done in a while. It shows us how far things have come in 60 years, from rotary phones to iPhones...and who remembers having a party line ("A party line is like a tree, and its leaves are lonely perverts")?

OK, let's feature some riffs, and we'll compare some between MST and Rifftrax:

"Hellfire and brimstone, that's what in store for you"
MST: Dennis Rodman, you've been listening?
RT:  Sounds good...what?

The spider lands
MST:  Hooterville was decimated by SCUD missiles that day
RT:  Just one of the normal fertilizer explosions

Kester shows up with a gun, wearing a union suit. True horror
MST:  He's lactating. What a handsome man
RT: Santa's gone through a rough patch

Then the spider eats Kester.
MST:  Does it matter the spider ate him with his butt?
RT:  He died as he lived, lusting after his wife's sister

There's also riffs on Samurai Cop, the Heaven's Gate cult, Chick-Fil-A, dad jokes, Marie Kondo and Charlotte's Web.

What also makes this movie special is that it includes a marriage proposal after the film in an outtake. Also, the pre-show slides actually do make good points. Quentin Tarantino's accent in Django Unchained was a big mistake, and the font for Stranger Things is the real star of the show.
But Stop of My Mother the Car Will Shoot? No.

The VOD for the movie is available for pre-order, and will arrive in mid-October. The MST version is in volume 10.2 from Shout Factory.

Saber Raine, Saber Raine: Rifftrax Presents Sci-Fi From Your Mom's Backyard

Casper Van Dien has come....forward...since the Starship Troopers movies, and being a silent bartender and a few other things in Con Man. A couple of years ago, he helped make Star Raiders, which there was hope would have Saber Raine a household name. Sure, it was partially funded by Kickstarter, but he was hoping it would lead to medium-sized things.

Instead, it was found by Rifftrax.

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett were good-natured in their, er, comments when they showed this in their latest live show this past week. It's another of those movies with big dreams but small results. 

As usual, it's the script that's the real problem. We have Saber Raine (which sounds like a song Prince would sing if his career was in the Civil War), a disgraced space captain who's now stranded on some planet. He's apparently known for his saber skills that are used only once, and has guns, too. Everyone else has ray guns, since it's outer space.

Anyway, the main plot is some guy named Sinjin capturing Tyr and Calliope, heirs to the kingdom of Ares. Of course, he wants to take over with the help of ugly bugs. He has that Darth Vader vibe until he unmasks, and tells her the truth about her people...

No, the truth doesn't make her eyes red. She instead wears a face mask Elton John threw away.
From there, Saber, a blond girl named Fade, a guard that looks like either Kevin Smith or Captain Lou Albano, and a snake lady named Crotalus battle the bad guys with cheesy special effects, and try to destroy an evil castle made out of mutated Playmobil parts.

There's also an Aussie guy named Jax who's actually well known as an artist in DC's Green Arrow. Too bad he's described as "Truman Capote's last role".

There's also a saber battle between Calliope and Sabre which is just as terrible as you can get. He even pretends that he might join her if the price is right, and it's not even close to convincing. It's also odd that some promo ads found online imply they'll be allies. Nope.

Also, martial arts legend Cynthia Rothrock makes an appearance late in the movie as a major galactic official. The good news is that she isn't married to Santa Claus, but it would have been better if she kicked someone for old times sake.
Otherwise, it was a BIG snore.  Starcrash was better than this.

Before this, there was a short on telling the truth. It involved three boys tossing rocks at things, including a towel. Too bad they didn't see the window in back of it. The gang pointed out one of the kids in the film had so many freckles he could be Young Rorschach from the Watchkids (get it?).

This is the first time Rifftrax has offered a show that's taped ahead of time, and if you didn't know that, it looks like any other show. There was a report in Indiana someone aired the show too early. So, let's hear it for live shows.

OK, let's get to the riffs:

"Circe, open the channel"
And don't have sex with your brother, Jamie

One of the Ares guards mentions the other one "died as he lived, with honor" to the snake lady, Crotalus.
Cool, I eat flies.

Sinjin unmasks
Hell of a zit!

Evil Calliope: Cavaliers, most likely
They smell like Cleveland

"For 1992, these special effects aren't too bad."
"This was from 18 months ago"

Sinjin tells Calliope she's about to experience a transformation, or recasting...
"What you lose in beauty you will gain in immeasurable power"
What you don't tell your wife before a haircut.

There are also riffs on Seth Green, Dave Attell, Disneyland, a really pale alien who used to be part of MST3K, Chipotle and Fort Worth.

Rifftrax wraps up its season with a second look at The Giant Spider Invasion on August 15th and 20th. It's uncut, so expect more scenes of  men sitting in front of a fire-and-brimstone preacher and thinking about the chicks they're going to almost have sex with, unsexy scenes with scantily clad women,  and Perry Mason's secretary rolling down a hill. Might be an extra "PACKERS" yell, too.

Rifftrax Finds A Movie That Makes Tommy Wiseau Almost Orson Welles Jr.

If Kinga Forrester is still scowling at Moon 13 waiting for Netflix to call, she'd also scowl at Rifftrax, the arch-enemy to her plans to make Mystery Science Theater 3000 bigger than the Avengers.

Still, she realizes she has standards. While she may be upset she didn't get Octaman when she had the chance, she would have gotten a 39 1/2 foot pole to make sure she got nowhere near one of RT's latest presentations, Blood Theater.

This was the first feature for Rick Sloane, who was behind the making of Hobgoblins more than 30 years ago (the movie was part of season nine of MST3K). Here, he did everything except make the popcorn in this slasher movie.

It involves a theater where people get killed including the staff. As the movie starts, some guy kills everyone while trying to film a performance of someone trying to be Yoko Ono or a "human Theremin". Apparently death is a habit here, because it's happened several times.

Many years later, a chain called Spotlite takes the place over. It's run by a human mannequin named Murdoch and Miss Maxwell, who looks like she's destined to be married with children. She's played by Mary Woronov, who had better luck battling Ramones.

The staff seem to be high school students, but their age rivals the actors in the Teen Agers movies. One of the girls, Jennifer, is a cheerleader, while two work on the concession stand and whine about it a lot. 

From there, the staff try to get the place open, but strange things happen. Occasionally, some old man pops out of nowhere and stabs people, usually oblivious teens. Late in the film, one guy dies in the most unconvincing electrocution ever, while another gets beheaded. 

There is one death scene that is actually a dream Jen has. Pity, because she would have had the most interesting scene in the whole film. 

What about Murdoch and Miss Maxwell? They do next to nothing about it. He's upset the motel next to their main theater ("The Norm Macdonald Memorial Sheraton") is closed because of the hookers. He also decides to go to a convention, but winds up getting mugged for the bootleg movies he's got.

Eventually, it's revealed the former theater owner killed everyone because....well, it doesn't matter.

At least it ends with a one-second scene where two cops show up to "investigate."

There's some really random scenes that are dead ends even before they start. They include Murdoch in a film telling people to get some popcorn (clearly the ultimate in horror), and a typewriter that tells one of the staff members he can own the theater. Of course, that guy gets killed ten minutes later.

There is a brief shot of bare breasts just after a girl is being advised by an angel and a devil. Really. Apparently it's all because of stealing stale popcorn.

The only reason this movie exists is to tell people who saw Hobgoblins that it could have been worse.
That's not helpful.

Let's get to the riffs:

Jen, Malcolm and Adrian enter the evil theater
The theater's been closed for two weeks but people are still waiting for Avengers: Endgame to end.

Jen combs her hair in a room
I'll never turn into Tonya Harding at this rate

A trailer for "Clown Whores of Hollywood"
Wait, this isn't a Madonna video?

Just before someone gets killed , an 8-bit version of Venus starts.
This is the first time I ever missed Bananarama.

There's also riffs on a Jerry Lewis movie no one can see, Golden Corral (of course), Jacksonville, FL, Catholics and Sherlock Gnomes.

This movie is available on the Rifftrax website, along with a reminder of the next live show, Star Raiders with Casper Van Dien. This was a Kickstarter project, but it will look like The Last Jedi compared to Blood Theater.

Octamen, Raiders and Spiders, Oh Man! Rifftrax's Kickstarter Campaign Is On!

Just a few days before people wonder who will be praised as the best movies of 2018, Rifftrax has started its seventh annual Kickstarter campaign.
Instead of featuring movies that the average fan has heard of, the live shows will stick to Rifftrax's B-movie roots. Two of them are new to the Riff-verse, and the third is an MST3K favorite.

Each of them has an interesting story.
Coming this April will be Octaman, a really cheesy movie made in Mexico in 1971.
Safe to say this little guy was made by radioactive water or something. It was written by the guy who wrote Creature From the Black Lagoon, and the creature was designed by Rick Baker. The cast features Vic Morrow from The Last Shark and former MGM starlet Pier Angeli.

Then we'll have Star Raiders: The Adventures of Saber Raine in June. This was partially funded by Kickstarter two years ago,  and features Casper Van Dien from Starship Troopers and Cynthia Rothrock who is anything but Mrs. Santa Claus here. It's basically Space Mutiny or Starcrash on a budget, in the style of Birdemic.

Finally in August, Mike, Kevin and Bill take on the Giant Spider Invasion. It's just as many of us remembered it about 20 years ago on MST3K: Alan Hale as a sheriff, Barbara Hale being chased by big spiders, and a disturbing part of the Midwest that included guys who claim they spend their time listening to a loud preacher. It's made by the same guy who made Monster-A-Go-Go. This time, the movie will be uncut, and the riffs will include "PACKERS!" but not as often.

The goal of 250 thousand dollars was hit in one day.. The real question is what stretch goals will be offered. Last year, supporters almost got It's A Wonderful Life but did get an extra shorts DVD and mp3's of Ready Player One and Solo. This year, what will be next? It seems Aquaman could be a target, along with Glass, The Predator, and maybe the "Battle of the Bastards" episode from Game of Thrones. Since Bumblebee was a good Transformers movie, it might escape Rifftrax's wrath..or maybe not.

If you're interested in tossing in a few bucks for goodies including VODs of the shows, t-shirts and the like, visit here. The only question is if it breaks last year's record of 501 thousand dollars. If so, maybe it can finally fulfill its original goal: riffing Twilight within an inch of its afterlife.

Predicting the 2019 Oscars

It's been a while since I wrote a blog about awards that will be seen by (if I'm lucky) 50 people.
As the Oscars are poised to start in a few days, some races have all but settled, but some are not.

If anything is still unsettled, it's what movie will get the top prize. Green Book has been getting top awards from the Producers Guild and the Golden Globes, Roma just got Best Picture at the BAFTAs, while the Screen Actors Guild declared Black Panther as its pick.
The Oscars have never given Best Picture to a foreign language film, with Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon coming the closest 17 years ago. Otherwise, Roma would be the top pick. It's a great film about a maid and the family she works for in Mexico City in the 1970s. Alberto Cuaron has done a wonderful job showing their story and throwing in some symbolism (trading one car that doesn't fit the garage for something smaller showing how the family's status has changed, for example; there's also the mystical leader who's not so superhuman as Cleo the maid proves). He's likely to get Best Director, and maybe Screenplay and Cinematography, too.
Aside from the movie not being in English, its other problem is that Netflix made it. Could the Academy actually reward a streaming service?

Green Book may be the alternative choice, maybe the safe one. It's an old-fashioned tale about two different people, a cultured pianist who's also Black and a guy from the Bronx, who develop a friendship as the pianist tours the Deep South. Mahershala Ali as Don Shirley will likely get his second award in three years, but the movie seems to be made too late. It would get more respect if it was made in the '90s, but not quite now. It's good, but not quite Best Picture material.
Besides, how can you compare it to BlackKKlansman, about a Black cop who infiltrates the KKK by using a White cop to pose as him? This says a lot more about race relations and doesn't sugar-coat it a lot. That might jolt the older Oscar voters, but it's still a great movie. It's my choice for Adapted Screenplay.

So, I think Green Book will win Best Picture because it's the "safe move". Roma, though, is the real Best Picture, streaming and language aside. It's still lame the major theater chains don't include this movie in its "Oscar festivals".

For a while, I thought The Favourite would be Best Picture material, but maybe some people aren't attracted to a story that's basically "Masterpiece Theater after dark". Two women jostle for the title of Queen Anne's BFF, and they stop at nothing to do that. The fact that it's a bisexual triangle may not be the historic epic people would feel comfortable with. It may pick up an Oscar or two for hairstyling and costume design, but could get Original Screenplay over Green Book.

Some people, like the BAFTAs, think Rachel Weisz has a chance for Supporting Actress, but vote-splitting with co-star Emma Stone might hold her back. Regina King has done well in this category for If Beale Street Could Talk, and could win on Oscar night. Some are hoping Amy Adams will finally win for Vice, but it looks like it's King who will win.

Before we get to the acting noms, let's recognize that Black Panther could also be the big winner if it picks up more than one Oscar. It's up for Best Picture, which is a victory in itself, but it should get a couple of tech awards like Production Design and Costume Design. It's also in the sound nominations, but Roma could edge it out there. It would be great it BP got Best Picture, but only if the Oscar voters are too afraid to choose Roma and can't decide what to choose instead.

Also, the Academy should apologize to Bradley Cooper for snubbing him harder than Orson Welles and The Color Purple. The Gold Derby pundits have said the stock for A Star Is Born is dropping despite winning at the Grammys and BAFTAs. It'll get Best Song, but it's kind of strange Cooper is shown singing and playing guitar (which he learned before filming) and isn't getting more respect.
Maybe it's because it's a remake, but this article shows the movie was trickier to approve and make than it seemed. He should have gotten more attention, and hopefully he'll get more from this.

At least the Oscars will show all the categories live, after lots of Hollywood big shots thought it was stupid to givefour awards during commerical breaks and give the acceptance speeches later. If the Grammys are OK at 3 1/2 hours, even if it's mostly music (natch), so can the Oscars. They should treat it like the Super Bowl: 7 PM Eastern has the Red Carpet Show, then the main event at 8 PM. Simple. Then the late-night wrap-up at E! or the local ABC channel.

Now, back to the categories...
After seeing Bohemian Rhapsody, Rami Malek has a solid future after Mr. Robot. I'm not completely sold on his portrayal of Freddie Mercury. He really got into the skin of the guy when they showed how they recorded the famous song, and the tough scene when he admitted to Mary he's bisexual. If they let him take as much time as he could really singing as Freddie, instead of mixing voice tracks to simulate him, it would have been better. Ask Gary Busey when he played Buddy Holly or Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn.

Compare that to Christian Bale being Dick Cheney in Vice. He had the veep cold, even explaining he saved the nation by any means necessary. That was chilling.
Still, Malek may win because enough Oscar voters don't want to approve of any movie that explains Cheney. Bale could pull it out, but it seems more likely Son of Mr. Robot will edge him out.

Meanwhile, Glenn Close's chances at winning Best Actress went way up once more people saw The Wife on VOD or disc. The story of (literally) the woman behind a soon-to-be Nobel laureate was typical, but Close's performance literally drove this movie. Just see her reaction when her husband, Joe Castleman, tries to thank her when he gets the award, and when she calls herself a "kingmaker". That is enough to get her the prize. If she wins, it may be considered a "lifetime achievement" Oscar but that role alone is enough to get her the prize.

Olivia Colman has won a BAFTA and an Golden Globe as Queen Anne in The Favourite, but the fact it's not quite a typical costume drama has hurt her chances. Also, Weisz and Stone has gotten more attention for their rivalry in the movie. Lady Gaga was considered a possible winner here, but she's already won for making a great remake with Cooper.

So, can the Oscars get more viewers with no host and way-too-much backstage drama? If it is a good show that finishes at 11:30 Eastern, it could.
Still, it would be nice if it ended with two words:  Wakanda Forever!