Not The Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman Is Retiring

This is not at the level of Johnny Carson suddenly announcing his retirement in 1992, but it's still big...
David Letterman is retiring. He's hosted the Late Show since August 1992, but actually has been part of our living rooms in the mornings in 1980, then late night since 1981.
This means no more Stupid Pet Tricks, no more weird Halloween, no more strange interruptions during the monologue, no more tossing stuff off of roofs, no more altered videos of top leaders...
and no more Top Ten Lists.

So, I'll come up with one, but I'll admit this is NOT the Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Letterman Is Retiring, just ten reasons I can dream up. I expect others, especially Letterman, to come up with a better list

First, though, the full announcement to his audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater (4/3/2014). We get some insight about why he made his decision: mainly he's been doing it for a long time, but a trip with his son convinced him it's time.



OK, now just ten reasons in general

10. He's joining the cast of CSI as a cadaver

9. He's discovered Julie Chen (Mrs. Moonves) is powered by a Dilithium crystal

8, He hopes to get better farewell gifts than Derek Jeter

7. CBS has found a younger and hip host: Geoff Peterson

6. After creating Worldwide Pants, he'll create a new company with Larry King...Galactic Suspenders

5. Let's face it: this is what he looks like to his viewers now:

4. He can now turn to Jay Leno and say, "I won!"

3. He interviewed Regis Philbin, but kept mistaking him for Bill O'Reilly

2. Every once in a while, he went to the wrong studio and anchored CBS This Morning.with Small Town News.

and not really the number one reason why David Letterman is retiring, but he did say it in his statement and the video earlier today...

1. Now he and Paul Shaffer can be married.

One thing's for sure, he'll be beating The Tonight Show several times up until the final episode, especially tonight.

UPDATE: sure enough, Jimmy Fallon has his Top Ten, and they were better than my list:




So, who's next?
NOT LENO!!!
Don't give it to him. Have Jay do an American version of Top Gear. That'll work.

Some have been speculating that Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert should get the job. However, they're the top two reasons why Comedy Central exist. I expect them to stay. If Stewart does decide to take over the Late Show, John Oliver should host The Daily Show. No other result is acceptable.
Some have suggested Chelsea Handler, since she has said she'll be leaving E! at the end of the year. She may be too edgy for 11:35, though, but she doesn't. There's word she'd like to have her own Late Show. However, there's word CBS wants her at 12:35 if Craig Ferguson wants Letterman's chair...or maybe if he doesn't.
Adam Carolla has said Ellen DeGeneres would be ideal for late night, and seeing a racier version of her would be great. Still, she's too popular in the afternoons.
How about Conan O'Brien? He belongs in New York, and and he can still go on the road the week before the NCAA Final Four. TBS is close to the Viacom empire, and it would make sense.
Or it could be someone else.
So, let's appreciate David Letterman while we still can, at least for the next year or so. Late-night TV will seem a little less ornery and ironic without Letterman around, Maybe the next time a nurse tries to interrupt his monologue, it'll be a real one this time.