MST3K Fan Fiction: What If Buffy Riffed On "Buffy"?

The 20th anniversary of the TV version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is upon us, and already people are celebrating it in very interesting ways.
There was a post in Bustle that shows how four authors would write books with Buffy, Angel, Xander, Willow and all the Slayerettes. Thing is, they are summaries of what happened on the show rather than how these writers would recreate specific scenes. For example, how would George R.R. Martin write about the climactic scene in "Prophecy Girl" where Buffy is brought back from the dead? Jon Snow would have nothing on her.
Someone did find a post where Ayn Rand wrote a Buffy episode. At least that was funny and a better example. Then there was video in YouTube where someone merges Hamilton with Buffy. It was taped last fall, but it's also a great example of recreating her in other ways.
We also know if a Buffy reunion ever happened, David Boreanaz wouldn't be in it mainly because he's not a fan of reunions. There's also an episode of AMC Backstory that recounted how the movie was made, and it was a difficult process. It also explains this bit of fan fiction

In 2006, someone thought it would be cool to write a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode five years after SyFy cancelled it.
So? The movie Mike and the bots are seeing is none other than Serenity. Here’s the link to the webpage.

What if somehow Jonah and the updated bots got their hands on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...thanks to the TV Buffy we all know?

The episode takes place in the not too distant future, whatever, A.D.. Jonah, the riffer who lived, welcomes the viewers to the Satellite of Love and explains, for some unusual reasons, the satellite is back on Earth at the Gizmonic complex for needed repairs, and some things Kinga wants Jonah to handle in an area known as “Deepest 13”. (Let's just say Kinga and Gizmonics made a deal after something happened that involved "deep hurting"). He also says she told him they’re surrounded by 500 ninjas, ready to kill if Jonah tries to escape. He doesn’t believe it, but Crow and Servo make a break for it. They see what they think is a ninja and get scared, but it turns out to be a bush...that later walks away.

Kinga gets on the horn, and tells Jonah to go to Deepest 13 and add wi-fi to make it easier to make cell phone calls. He wonders whether these jobs are necessary, or if she's making him think being trapped in space is better. She says she doesn't care because she's the boss, and brags about sleeping on two beds of money ("Take that, Don Draper!"). He also says there are feral Mole People who have eaten her employees. “Hey,” Kinga says, “they weren’t eaten. Maybe they were nibbled on just a bit...or maybe they decided to join the Mole People considering what happened when...”
“Sorry, Kinga,” Max (aka TV’s Son of TV’s Frank) interrupts. “Someone’s fighting the 500 ninjas and beating them. Not only that, some of them are asking for her autograph."
"HER?", Kinga barks. "If it's who I think it is, we may be in big trouble. Let's get to the ship, Max."

Jonah and the bots see what happening.  Two people head towards the ship, and they happen to be Xander and Willow. They tell Jonah to relax, because their friend will be coming to ask for a favor.
Of course, it’s Buffy.

She wants to make a special request, then Kinga arrives and demands what’s the meaning of this. One look at Buffy, though, and she backs off. Buffy apologizes, but she thinks that if Rifftrax won’t riff this movie, she wants MST to do it. She hands the DVD to Jonah, and he reads the title. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not you, right?", he says
Crow asks if it’s because the original Buffy likes Donald Trump or Disney hates audio books which talk about Slaying. TV Buffy says Kristy (Swanson) is entitled to her opinions which should be respected. She thinks that after all these years, despite doing well in that EW Super Heroes poll, a lot of people still think the idea of a teenage girl as a heroine is just silly.
“Or a female hero, period?”, Crow asks
"Hey," Willow says. "The latest Star Wars movies have settled that question, along with Agents of SHIELD, The Hunger Games, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, the WB...."
"You mean the CW?", Crow asks.
"Well, old habits die hard," Willow says. "Oh, and I do have powers which I won't use right now." "Yeah," Crow says, "Are you suuuuuuure? (as she levitates him)". Buffy says she and her friends always wanted to see how the MST crew would “deal” with this movie that's not really about her. "Besides," she adds, "we have one thing in common: Dark Horse. Maybe there will be a comic book about this."

Kinga’s bothered by this, but she won’t challenge Buffy because of reasons she’d rather not mention.  She does accuse Buffy of wanting to mock the movie because it somehow led to her being the Slayer. Buffy says it wouldn't surprise her if Kinga is right, but she still wants to do it...partially because she heard about the plug being pulled on more Slayer audio books. Kinga dares Buffy and her friends to riff on the first reel. They look stunned and worried, and accuse her of planning to make money out of this. She says, “What’s your point? How much do you want this? How much?”
Their answer: “When do we start?”

“That much, huh?”
"Have you met her?", Xander asks.
"I know enough," Kinga says, "and I'm not really surprised by this. I wanted a new Slayers audio book if it included some people we haven't seen for a while....like you guys." "Why do you think they came all this way?", Jonah asks "Hey," Max says, "this ain't Riff of Thrones..."
MOVIE SIGN!!!

20th Century Fox fanfare
Xander: 20th Century Fox. Star Wars isn’t everything. Really.
HEY, AT LEAST WE GAVE YOU DEADPOOL!
Willow: Wait, Fox gave us Aliens and Planet of the Apes Buffy: Yes, so you would THINK they would have tried harder. Xander: Well, it learned eventually. “Since the dawn of man…”

Buffy:  or about 30 years ago

She who bears the birthmark, the mark of the coven

Buffy:  That’s not where my birthmark is

Trained by the Watcher, one Slayer dies and the next is chosen.
Willow: It's not that big, either.

Olde Slayer: And I shall be His sword

Olde Watcher: Let Satan Tremble, the Slayer is born

Xander:  So sayeth Lord John Fever! Then the jump cut from holding a stake to pom-poms. Willow: Hey, you can't slay vampires with those. Xander: I know. She'd have better luck with her pointy hat.

The title of the movie appears.

Buffy:  Well, we’ll see about that.

Luke Perry's name shows up in credits.
Xander:  90210's bad boy, Archie's dad on Riverdale, now in TV Heaven.
Willow:  Godspeed, Dylan Walsh.

Movie Buffy looks at her basketball star boyfriend, Jeffrey
Xander:  Low-rent Christian Laettner.

The basketball coach tries to inspire the team
Xander:  Why is Schemer from Shining Time Station coaching?
Willow: Maybe he's betting on the other team.
Buffy:  Schemer!!

“Written by Joss Whedon”

Buffy:  Gee, whatever happened to him?
(Xander and Willow look at her)
(whispers) Well, we know, but we’re not supposed to, remember?
Others: Oh yeah, ahem (starts whistling like Crow and Servo do)

"Southern California, the Lite Ages"
Xander: Half the calories, carbs, IQ..and that's even before Tik Tok.

Movie Buffy:  Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I’m ever going to Spain anyway.

Willow: Is this is a first draft of Clueless? Buffy: Well, it needs lots more Jane Austen, and where's Paul Rudd?

Buffy sees a yellow jacket
Xander: From the Beatrix Kiddo Collection

Kimberly (talking about the jacket): So five minutes ago
Willow: This movie is so 30 years ago.

Merrick shows up
Xander: That look is so 40 years ago, along with his stalking.

He soon skulks away after spotting Movie Buffy
Buffy: (sings) Where In The World Is Carl San Diego?

Benny:  I can’t believe these people. We paid good money to see this
Xander: Hey, we'll mock the movie, pal. You deal with being in it.

Movie Buffy bends over on top of one of the car doors outside the theater.

Andy: I don’t want to sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow her?
Buffy:  I never did that! I had parents. They argued, but they were there.

Grueller wanders into a park towards a merry-go-round. Sees Amilyn, aka Count Pee Wee.

Willow: Yikes, Pee Wee’s turned into a Lost Boy

Buffy:  or Nicholas Cage after Mandy

"And Lulu just can't get pregnant"
Xander: Wasn't she 44 when this movie was made? Buffy: I think he meant the panda
Movie Buffy eating popcorn while her boyfriend tries to make out
Willow: Is she wondering if there's something more to life?
Xander: No, she's a cheerleader.
Buffy: I was a cheerleader, almost...until that witch...
Xander: We know.

Movie Buffy dreams of Slaying in a previous life.

Buffy:  Hey, where did this movie come from?
Xander:  Not so loud. You might scare it off.

She jumps through a window to nail a vampire

Buffy: Not exactly Wonder Woman, but I like her enthusiasm.

Some vampires show up.
Xander: Nobody expects the Undead Inquisition.

Lothos: Oh, please, show me a real Slayer
Xander and Willow (pointing at Buffy): Right here

Buffy: He can find out himself. They always do.

Amilyn: I have already begun building you a new family. Soon we will be legion.

Xander:  with 200% more Aubrey Plaza.

Amilyn:  Rubies will drip from your lips.
Buffy:  Actually, everyone will be dripping from his lips

Movie Buffy and her crew talk about the upcoming dance

Buffy: So this is the meeting of the 90210 extras, I assume.

Cassandra:  What do you think about the Ozone layer?
Movie Buffy:  Yeah. we gotta get rid of that.

Willow: For their sake, she better be talking about a local grunge band.

Movie Buffy: I don't know, guys, I wanna get a head start on my homework (then everyone laughs). Buffy: Betsy DeVos, the early years. Yeah, I read the papers.

Pike and Benny show up. Benny puts a bunch of change on a tray
Benny: What does it look like?
Xander: What this movie made after home video.
Willow:  It made little more than....hey, isn't that Ricki Lake?

Movie Buffy:  You guys are thrashed
Pike:  That would explain the slurred speech
Xander: and the slurred script, set design, cinematography…

Pike: I'm Pike. This is Benny.
Movie Buffy: Pike's not a name, it's a fish.
Xander: It's also a peak, baby....I better not finish that riff.
Willow: Good idea, or we'd beat the Andrew Cuomo out of you.
Xander: Or Bob Packwood. That was the go-to riff for a while.

Benny complains and lusts after Movie Buffy
Pike:  You don’t even like her and you’d sleep with her, what is that?

Xander:  Being a guy, what else?
Benny: I got a news flash for you. One more shot of this and I’d have sex with you

Pike:  Oh, yeah then you’ll never call me.
Buffy: What is this, Dawson’s Pub Crawl? Willow: No, maybe an early version of Strange Way of Life. Pike sorta looks like Pedro Pascal.
I really said that, didn't I?

Merrick is seen driving

Xander: Why is Indiana Jones driving a Ford Escort?
Merrick sees a drunk Pike on the ground
Xander: Bring out your stoned!

Movie Buffy: (rehearsing a cheer) Take that ball to the hoop, hoop. OK. Buffy: Now let's try to teach that to the basketball team.

Movie Buffy practices her gymnastics

Buffy: Ah, my life, when it was destiny-free. BUT, NOOOOO, some guy says I'm a Slayer and I should kill vampires and revolutionize TV. Well, I'll do it my way, and you'll like it Willow: and they do! A lot longer than people thought. Gail Berman was right!

Merrick: You should have been taught, prepared.
Xander: But your name's Buffy, so why bother?
Buffy: Hey, a Slayer by any other...ah, damn it!

Movie Buffy: My trust fund’s in a graveyard?

Xander:  Well, buying Truth Social stock will do that.

Movie Buffy: Why don’t you just take the first runner-up, OK?
Buffy:  That doesn't work. I know, I tried.

Merrick: You must come with me now to the graveyard while there’s still time.
Movie Buffy: Time to do what?

All: Yeah!
Merrick: Time to stop the killing, to stop the vampires.

Movie Buffy:  All right, let me get this straight, OK. You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the Chosen One and there are vampires?

Buffy:  This guy's elevator pitch needs work.

Merrick: You bear the Mark of the Coven

Movie Buffy: What, that big old hairy mole? Ew, I had it removed

Buffy: (Yells at the movie) What kind of a Me are you?
(realizes what she just said) WHAT AM I SAYING? Thanks a lot, movie
Movie Buffy: I was a slave

Merrick: In Virginia
Xander: For 12 years?

Kinga: OK, wrap it up, guys. I want my victims, er, crew to take over.
Willow: Hey, one more scene, OK?
Movie Buffy:  How do you know all this? (talking about her dreams that he knows about)
Merrick:  Because it is your birthright and I am a part of it.

Buffy:  You know, I once dreamed I was Erica Kane’s daughter.

Willow:  That’s weird (as they leave)

Buffy:  I know. My mom and I watch Days Of Our Lives. Kinga: Don't give me that. You got Pine Valley written all over you.

Everyone admits the Scooby Gang’s riffing is quite impressive, "maybe too good" as Kinga says.
"Well," Buffy says, "Kristy did the best she could being a new type of superhero, and Paul, uh Pee Wee, proved he could do more than be in a playhouse. Still, the movie isn't my story. There is a comic book that is more accurate, though. I have no issues with that."
"Yeah, well, I have issues," Kinga says, while the others look at her strangely. "Well, the fact that others are in this riffing biz, especially that jerk Nelson. Stupid Rifftrax! Forresters are the masters of this, and I'm bugged you guys did so well." "Well, we'll just have to top them," Jonah says.
"You better!", Kinga says. "So embarrassing. Get to the theater, guys. Show them how it's done"

Movie Buffy:  I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night. Eeeew.

Jonah: Yeah, who’d want to do that every Tuesday night?

Crow: You’d be surprised.

Cassandra is alone in a parking lot when she hears sinister laughter
Servo: Uh-oh, the wind is calling her Maria.

Buffy’s first vampire emerges from the grave with his arms above his head

All:  TOUCHDOWN!

A female vampire emerges from her grave..

Crow: Let go of me, Uma Thurman.

Merrick battles with the vampire

Jonah:  What is this, Undead Fighting Championship?

Buffy kills her first vampire...when it bumps into her stake
Servo: Hey, that's how Xander killed his first vampire. I remember the pilot.

Buffy then kills the blonde vampire.
Jonah: No! You killed Undead Debbie Reynolds
Crow: That was Undead Carol Brady. Wait, that's bad, too.

Bennie floats outside Pike's second floor window Jonah: Oh, no, Danny Glick is back Bennie (still floating): "I feel pretty"
Crow: AHHH! No wonder Peter Pan left him behind.
(After Bennie laughs maniacally) Servo: And I saw his reflection! No wonder she hates this movie.

“I’M HUNGRY!!”
Jonah, Crow and Servo (singing):  “Like the wolf!!!”

Quick shot of the Ford logo on Merrick’s car.
Jonah:  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, built Ford tough.

Movie Buffy:  They can’t come in unless you invite them in, is that true?
Merrick:  That’s true

Movie Buffy:  Good

Crow: Yeah, you don't want to be attacked by the Vampire A/V Club

Buffy goes to bed and Lothos is there.

Servo: Sleep like you’re dead to the world with the Lothos Eternal Rest Mattress
(gives her a teddy bear) with automatic teddy bear dispenser
She wakes up and realizes she has a ribbon in her hair.

Jonah:  Man, why do I keep gift wrapping myself?

Cassandra, though, is in Lothos’ lair: Who are you?
All (singing): He's gonna bite you from a forklift! Servo: That's how he levitated. Max told me.

Merrick’s in the locker room
Movie Buffy: What are you doing here? This is a naked place
Jonah: Wait til the lockers get dressed, at least.
Movie Buffy: Obviously somebody read their tea leaves wrong cuz I'm not your girl. Servo: Was it Warren Beatty or Steve Harvey? Merrick tosses a knife at Movie Buffy. She catches it. Merrick: Bravo.
Jonah: That proves nothing. She could be the chosen one for Angel City FC.

Buffy: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die
Crow: Well, who is he to dash such dreams?

Jonah: Oh dear, the training montage. I wonder if it’s as bad as No Defeat No Surrender.

There’s a mix of her training and her life in high school.

Crow:  We interrupt this training montage and join The OC in progress.

Buffy tosses a stake at a foam vamp, and stabs a leg

Servo: And that’s why Ed Ames never became a Slayer.

Principal Murray tries to counsel Buffy, mainly about drugs.

Murray:  Don’t think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. No, think of me as Gary Murray, party guy.
Crow:  Why? You were in Get Out and Office Space.

He’s stunned to see her spit out a thumbtack and impale a fly.

Jonah:  I’m not sure what you’re taking, young lady, but does Bradley Cooper still have those pills?

Pike:  There's something going on around here. I don't know. Something real weird.
Zeph:  Hey, what do you want me to do when I see Benny?
Pike:  Run
Crow:  He hasn't showered since he joined the Undead.

Movie Buffy sings “Feelings” while searching for vampires.
Jonah: Nice, sing a song that’ll make the demons slay themselves. Try something from Sublime Servo: or Lara Trump.

Buffy gets cramps because vampires are near

Crow:  Again? She has the worst spider-sense ever.

A vampire does show up, badly dressed.
Servo: Adam Sandler?

Kinga tries to berate Jonah for not being traumatized enough by the movie, but he says, "hey, this was almost a real movie. Not my fault it has grains of competence." "You kidding?," Buffy says. "It's like Attack of the Eye Creatures, where they just didn't care...enough. In fact, why don't you get in there?"

"How dare you," Kinga bellows. "I am...hey, no fair carrying me with one arm!" Max seems to be upset. "Buffy shouldn't have done that. It's not Kinga's fault she's like this. She forgot that man is a feeling creature...and because if it, the greatest in the universe. She learned too late for herself that men have to..." "AW, SHUT UP!" Max pauses after Kinga yells that. "I regret nothing, especially what I did at..."

"DON'T MENTION THAT!," she yells. "You're lucky you still have a spleen, and yet what you did was kind of flattering," "Look, I'll go in with you," he says. "I don't like this movie either, They should have gone with Joss’ ideas”
“Well, add it all up and…”, Buffy says

Everyone: We know what it spells.  
MOVIE SIGN!

Kinga: OK, Buffy, we'll do it...but you have to do the last reel with Jonah. Buffy: Fine, can't wait, but YOU TWO first. Max: Relax, Kinga, we can do this. Kinga: Well, I rather not...but yeah, we can do this.

Pike can't start his van. "This is not my night." Max: I'm on a one way ticket to Palookaville. Kinga: That's kind of a layup, isn't it? Max: A layup's a layup. Amilyn: Aaarrrgh!
Kinga:  Hey, Pike’s screaming. “Aaargh” must be the secret word of the day.

Amilyn is on top of Pike's van, and enjoying the view.
Max: If he says "I'm king of the world", I'm gonna be a movie slayer
Kinga: That's not your job. Sit down.
Then he tries to reach into Pike
Kinga: What's Amilyn doing, backseat steering? Then Amilyn loses his left arm.
Max: Uh-oh, the grandson of the Crawling Hand. Kinga:  Or it's Thing's cousin

Amilyn (after losing an arm): You ruined my jacket. Kill him a lot
Kinga: Not mostly dead. That's another movie.

As Pike tries to fight off a vampire, Movie Buffy suddenly comes in from stage left.

Kinga:  Shouldn’t those vamps dissolve?

Max:  Not enough money in the budget
Kinga: There was a budget? Oh, no, I sound like Buffy. Buffy (off-stage):  GOOD! Now you know why I wanted this

Pike faints again after Buffy nails those vampires.
Kinga: Is Pike's first name Giles by any chance?
Buffy takes Pike back to her house, but her parents aren't there
Max: Did her parents run away, get attacked by Stormtroopers? Where'd they go?

Movie Buffy: You know what it's like when everything is suddenly different and everything you thought was crucial seems so stupid?
Max: The epitaph of the Republican Party...or cable news...the New York Times...

Movie Buffy: You find yourself babbling incoherently with a strange man in your living room?
Pike:  Are you calling me a man?
Max:  Run, before Shannen Doherty finds out.

Lothos to Amilyn:  Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the Crusades.

Max:  Well, I wonder why I ever married you.

Kinga:  MAX! Max: You're just mad I thought of it first Kinga: Uh...well...I can think of something, too. Then Lothos snacks on a cat.
Kinga: Wait, that's a Flerken (or I wish it was)
Amilyn hisses
Max: That was my snack. OK, got that out.

Buffy’s friends discuss Cassandra’s death and that they didn’t get the yellow leather jacket back being the real tragedy.

Max: The ghost of Cordelia Chase should haunt the Hell out of them.

Buffy body-slams a guy grabbing her butt

Kinga: Ronda Rousey in "50 Shades of Black and Blue"
(Max looks at her) See?

Merrick:  None of the other girls gave me this much trouble
Movie Buffy: And where are they now? Hello? Max:  Where was your last job, Amish Country in the 1950s?

Kinga:  Hey, #10, that’s Ben Affleck (giving up the ball to Grueller the vampire)

She notices they dubbed over Ben's voice Kinga: They dubbed him? Is this suddenly a Hercules movie?

Movie Buffy (to newly vamped Grueller): You were my friend
Grueller:  Now, I’m a god
Pike stakes him:  And now, you’re a coat rack.

Max:  That line is too good for this movie.

Kinga: Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

Lothos:  Has our time finally come? Have you ripened so fast?
Kinga:  Ewww. You’re a creepier Kylo Ren. Max: or Congressman....I can't finish that...

Lothos turns the stake at Merrick, killing him.

Merrick (to Movie Buffy):  You do everything wrong
Movie Buffy: Sorry
Merrick: Do it wrong. Don’t play our game. Lothos is a show.
Max: That advice she never forgot. That’s why Buffy’s the show, man.

Kimberly:  You’re acting like a thing from another tax bracket

Max: Future two-time Oscar winner. Who woulda thunk it?

Movie Buffy tries to explain her predicament.
Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kinga: They're dumber than the girls in Sunnydale....so I've heard.

Amilyn and Lothos plan to invade the dance after learning Buffy's identity..

Max: Well, she should repeat to herself he’s just a show
Kinga:  and we should really just relax? WHAT AM I SAYING?
Max: It was bound to happen. Blame Jonah for that, too. Kinga: No, I think we really know the experiment now. Still doing it, though Max: Of course.

They talk about how Pee Wee Herman took a role originally meant for Joan Chen, and how that would have made a different movie, as in better. Buffy also recounts how her first Watcher died differently, and how that was more heroic than in the movie.
Kinga, though, is a little mad she and Max had to riff finally. Max says she’s afraid she’ll fall apart like Clayton did when TV's Frank left.
“THAT’S….not important,” she says. “I need a henchman, like dad did in the old days. Come to think of it, your dad double-crossed my dad once, and he was glad”
“Well, I was made to be that,” Max says, “Maybe literally, like in Moon. I’m not sure. Besides, my dad was more experiment than henchman.”
“Look, what matters is we should finish the movie,” Jonah says. “Ready, Buffy?”
“Oooooooh, yeah,” she says, "especially the 'finish' part"
"You saw the movie during the summer after you were expelled, didn't you?", Kinga asks Buffy.
"It was the most depressing midnight movie ever," Buffy says.
Kinga understands. "Sic' em". "Hell, yeah!" Buffy says. "Gentlemen....." "Where?", Crow says. "Yeah, I know"...as they head to the theater.

Kimberly: This one doesn’t have a mirror at home
Buffy:  Oh no, did Darla go to this dance?

Buffy loses a boyfriend but gets Pike.

Pike:  You know, uh, Buffy, you’re not like other girls

Movie Buffy:  Yes I am

Buffy: Yeah, I'm just the Slayer next door, and…..

(stands up, looks up to the ceiling):  MOM, IS THIS HOW YOU MET DAD?
Jonah: Was it?

Buffy:  (sits down) I think so. She told me it happened to her in college.

The vampires show up

Servo: Surprise! You’re on The Walking Dead

More vamps show up.

Crow:  Why is Lou Diamond Phillips with them (far left)?

Movie Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited. Kimberly:  I already invited them. They’re seniors.
Jonah: Why didn't you try "extreme vetting"?

Buffy: WHAT?
Jonah:  Checking for a pulse.
Buffy: Oh, yeah.

Pike with some stakes: "I've got a bag full of solutions"

Servo: That's a little-known Frank Capra script. Buffy faces more vamps.

Crow: Sorry, guys, she’s not remaking the Thriller video

She tumbles like crazy.

Servo:  Enough with the Simone Biles impression. Start fighting.
She does.

Jonah:  Whoa, eat your heart out, Brienne of Tarth.

Some long haired guy tells a vampire. “This party sucks, man.”

Buffy:  Oz, is that you?

Bennie: Why do you like these people? They’re sheep.
Pike: And you’re an independent thinker? Try getting a suntan.
Bennie: Forget them. We can start a band.
Jonah: We’ll call ourselves “Scream!”

Amilyn: I’ll get you Buffy, and your little dog, too
Crow:  No more Wizard of Oz riffs, guys. That's our thing.

Amilyn:  We’re Immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Movie Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.
Buffy: THAT’S more like it.

Lothos plays his violin

Jonah:  That looks more like musical handcuffs.

Amilyn’s staked and really drags out his death scene.

Servo:  Sheesh, Yongary had a shorter death scene than this.

Buffy:  Yeah, why is he padding his part? It’s not as if he’ll never work again after this movie
Crow:  Well, at the time…

Buffy:   I KNOW. Pee Wee proved them wrong, and we still miss you, pal. (Sigh) To think, David Bowie could have made a cameo, thinking it was "The Hunger II". I'm not kidding.

Lothos is about to bite Buffy: I am life beyond death, and you are just like all the other girls

Movie Buffy:  Maybe I’ll surprise you (shows a cross)

Lothos: This is your defense? Puh-leeze Buffy: Sheesh, he's no Dracula, and I slayed him

Lothos: Your puny faith? (as the cross bursts into flames)
Movie Buffy: No, my keen fashion sense. (She sprays him with hair spray, instant flame thrower).

Jonah:  Hey, there is an upside in destroying the ozone layer, but if he’s on fire, shouldn’t the movie be over?

Principal Murray gives detention slips to the dead teens and vampires.

Buffy: I hate to say this, but I miss Principal Snyder. Pity he wound up as demon snake scat

Lothos threatens to kill with a katana

Crow:  This is well-dressed padding. Can we switch to the comic book which was the real script?

Jonah: Yeah, Kill Bill this ain’t.

Buffy: I'll say. I mean, I burned a school gym down once, but it was filled with vampires AND asbestos.
Servo: Couldn't you have washed it with holy water and a super soaker?
Buffy: Well, I do that now. Live, learn and slay.

But Buffy saves the day, and wakes up Pike

Jonah: Usually it’s the man who wakes the girl while someone else says, “He tampered in God’s domain.”

Servo:  Please, I’m still trying to forget that movie.

The couple roar away in a motorcycle, and we see “Candy Clark as Buffy’s Mom”
Buffy:  My mother’s name was Joyce, you lazy movie.

Jonah:  Uh, that Buffy isn’t you, remember?

Buffy:  Oh, yeah. Still…
Then we have the witnesses....

Jeffrey: They had this look in their eyes. Totally cold. Animal. I think they were young Republicans. Servo: And one of them got turned into a Newt. Or was it a Gingrich? Oh, wait, that was Stephen Miller

Jeffrey talks about what happened while his other date weeps and walks off
Crow:  Next on The Bachelor.

One more shot of Amilyn dying.

Buffy: All right, no sense padding the end of the movie! Besides, you'll show up on What We Do In The Shadows. Heh-heh....uuugggghhhhh!

Jonah, the bots, Willow and Xander are there to hug Buffy as the final credits roll.

Buffy:  Movie bad, movie go away, hate movie!
Watch TV show! THAT’s the real thing.

Xander:  and the comic books, too.

Willow:  Yeah! Which ones? The new audio book, too? Buffy: Well, now that Marvel has made multi-verses popular, any of them Servo: Even the one where you're older? Xander: Well, that's...dystopian Slaying? Not sure. Buffy: Well, I...am getting a text?

She reads: “About that dance scene, of course that happened to me in college. I’m glad you remembered, but you should have been meaner towards that movie. I really didn’t like that fake me. Love you, mom.”
Jonah asks, “Are you sure that’s your mom from…..beyond?”
“Haunted iPhones are required equipment for Slayers. It could be from her”, she says.
“Have you tried to send texts to the afterlife?” Crow asks.
“Well,” Buffy says, “that isn’t recommended. Otherwise, I’d ask what St. Peter thinks of The Good Place.”

At the end, Buffy and Kinga smirk at each other, each thinking they won...which they did.
"OK, we'll call it a draw," Kinga says. Jonah puts it into perspective. “Exactly, you two,” he says. “This was an idea that was long overdue. Just shake hands.”
They do, and Buffy does think of giving Kinga too much of a tight handshake, but Kinga pulls her hand away. "You would have squeezed real hard." she explains, "I'd do it, if I could." "But not today," Buffy says.
They do shake hands, and agree to figure out some way to get this episode on DVD. Buffy and her fellow Scoobies go to the Gizmonic gift shop.
Kinga then shifts to "boss" mode and orders Jonah to replace a sewer pipe in Deepest 13, which apparently cracked during the movie. While he heads there, the bots read letters, and Kinga reads one, too, just to show she can.
Jonah reaches Deepest 13. Actually the Mole People are glad to see him. They admit they cracked the pipe because they don't like Kinga's rumors about them. They also wish the wi-fi down there was better. Jonah says he'll take care of it, but someone has to get the new pipe. Kinga and Max look on while she says, “Well, don’t expect us to bring it to you.”
Someone behind them disagrees (guess who), along with several fake ninjas.
Kinga scowls, and says, “Oh, push the button, Frank.”
"Oh, I'm Frank now?," "Max" asks, as the picture goes black
Remember, this is fan fiction. This will become real when Hell freezes over, gets flooded and is overrun by My Little Ponies, but we can always hope.
So, what do you think, sirs?
Riffs c David Mello 2017, 2018, 2019, 2022, 2023, 2024