MST in 3-D: History in the Making, and Season 13 Is Now The Best

 

Back in the 50's, movie studios thought 3-D movies will get people back in theaters and away from that %@#&!! TV set, or at least Bonanza.

It got people interested, but it didn't last. It's still around thanks to Real 3-D, but it's not a common way to see movies.

It's even tougher to pull off on over-the-air or even streaming TV. You need those special red/blue glasses to get the full effect. Usually the movie that's shown is either Robot Monster or Creature From The Black Lagoon. Even Svengoolie tried a 3-D show with Revenge of the Creature in 1982, while the Super Bowl tried something similar in a halftime show in 1989. Then it discovered pop stars. 

Not too long ago, Kinga Forrester went insane! She vowed that she, too, can show a terrible movie in 

3-D, and it will be brilliant. THEY'LL SEE! THEY'LL SEE!
And what do you know....

This is clearly the show's greatest feat, showing the 1961 Canucksplotation film The Mask in 3-D, and doing a fairly good job of it. They not only presented fairly good 3-D effects, but went one step further. More on that later.

The story is about psychiatrist named Alan who is obsessed with an ancient mask that, when worn, doesn't turn you into an annoying version of Jim Carrey. It does show shocking visions (even for 1961) that may reflect the wearer's inner thoughts. In this case, they are very disturbing indeed. They feature a shocking ritual and a dark hellscape. Despite pleas by Alan's fiancee and a bland but still competent detective, Alan is overcome by the mask. He even threatens one of his patients.

The movie itself is on YouTube, and a couple of people have made reviews. Still, MST's new version is clearly the best. If you can, go to gizmonic.com and rent it. It'll be available for purchase by mid-November. Here's some samples. 

The host segments included a way to wear four masks at once, and variations of the Ouija game. After that, Jonah and the bots do some trick or treating, featuring Max and Synthia (who seems to be a Tom Atkins fan). 

There's also a spoof on Monster Mash, where the monsters can't attend the Halloween bash (but might be available at Thanksgiving), and noir therapy.

This, however, is the money shot:  MST making its own 3-D host segment despite low budgets and COVID limitations. IT IS BRILLIANT! It also guarantees it will be around for a while. 

By the way, even the papermations and the "intros" were in 3-D. Here's a picture of that

The post-game show was also fantastic, with the crew with their own costumes By the way, Emily is not Little Orphan Annie going blonde. Not only is it funny, but gives some footage of how they pulled off the 3-D host segment. It better be in the DVD sets next Spring. 
By the way, the Gizmoplex site has the complete episode with post-game show in 2D and 3D. Audio problems reported by the fans have been fine-tuned.

This confirms that season 13 may be the best one ever. Considering it had to show episodes as a boutique streaming service, and make them under COVID limits and a smaller budget, it has done a damn good job. Maybe we'll have to wait a long while for new episodes (like Andor and House of the Dragon), but the wait will be worth it after a season like this.

Now, riff time...

first, a visual riff for baseball fans

                                      
                                                                 Dock Ellis with the pitch...

A guy who apparently wore the mask is about to attack his date
I'm coming to get you,  Barbara

"And did he have any friends or relatives?"
Does a Sailor Moon body pillow count?

Alan unwraps the mask when it's sent to him in a package
Got your mail again, Nicholas Cage

"Do you know Dr. Barnes (Alan)?"
He sang Fish Heads.

In the vision, a man walks wearing a mask
It's Franken-David Byrne

Alan's fiancee tries to reason with him. "Sorry to barge in this way"
I'm a bit of a She-Hulk (when was this riffed?)

There's also riffs on Halloween 3, Jordan Peele, Mars Attacks, 3rd Bass, Whitesnake, and Sherman-Williams. 

Fans won't have to wait long for the next new show. Joel (and Emily's bots) will take on The Bubble, about a strange small town invaded by aliens (we think). All we know is one of the guys from the Mod Squad is in it. It'll be shown on Veteran's Day, or two weeks before the MST High Holy Days.
It's getting close to the end, too, so if there are any secrets that should be revealed (like who is Kabahl REALLY?), we may be close. 

The Six Eyes Enduring Sumaru

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is quite familiar with insane jerks out to take over the world, or at least our bank accounts (like the current version is doing).

Over the Labor Day weekend, Jonah and the bots endured Million Eyes of Sumaru. It's the first time the show repeated this number since 1988 in the KTMA days. That was brought up on the post-show, but more on that later. 
She was created by the same guy who invented Fu Manchu. While he wants the world even if he had to burn it down, she wants a world where women rule and men may or may not exist. We're not sure.

What's certain is that the show's winning streak in its 13th season is still intact, with another great set of riffs. It's just as good as Rifftrax revisiting some MST targets (like Brain That Wouldn't Die recently). 

Sumaru (supposedly) controls powerful men by having her slaves be their wives or mistresses, expecting them to practically own the men. One problem: a weird-looking President Boong isn't going along with this, and she decides to kill him. 

So who's going to challenge her? Sadly, it's a secret agent called .00000007 and his young sidekick who's only in the movie to con people into watching it. They're also known as George Nader and Frankie Avalon. 

It's basically the usual Eurotrash spy movie with the bad girls vowing to beat the good guys, terrible chase scenes, and an evil plan that never gets anywhere.

Sumaru captures Nader twice just to taunt him with her sure-fire "I will rule the world and make sure no one spray-paints me to death" plan. Nader's lousy quips that make dad jokes look like a John Mulaney set don't help. Mannequins generate more obscene thoughts than these two people. Then again, she wants sex without feeling and he's....able to deliver the "without feeling" part of it (look up his history on the Wiki). 
To be honest, this is her real goal

                                         
                                          

Oh, and Boong is played by Klaus Kinski, free of Werner Herzog's control....darn it.

At the Gizmoplex, Kabahl (Baron Vaughn) is trying to come up with more ways to boost the popularity of the show, like spinning off Waverly and Growler. Actually, not a bad idea, since Synthia's done that. It's also the first time he's actually touched Kinga and Max. So, he's not a hologram (maybe).
He's still a fake, because who'd believe MySpace would make a comeback?

As for the host segments, most were about the movie, especially this one where Jonah's more clueless than Nader. 

The episode ends with Kinga singing the praises of Sumaru, but also mentioning real bad girls like Cruella and Hela. Well, as long as she never sees The Girl From Rio...
Meanwhile, Jonah and Emily continue their mutiny plans in rhyme, and Joel is also on board. 

The post show was another winner with writers Felicia Day (finally), Tammy Golden, Devon Coleman and Tim Ryder. They revealed some more juicy tidbits. For one thing, there's not enough money in the world for Felicia to see Munchie again (or enough of something Loni Anderson has). Also, they cut the movies down to around an hour to establish 95 minutes including host segments. If you want the uncut version, it might be at Rifftrax depending on the movie. 
Oh, and the Kinga number actually had special effects. That was due to a space suit shortage. 
At least Devon described Sumaru perfectly: "if a middle school principal wrote Austin Powers."
Then again, Sumaru would be middle-school principal material. 
Oh, and they compared this movie to the KTMA version. It revealed how terrible the print was, how the riffs were improvised, how young Joel was, and how people were able to keep up with the time and temperature during the movie. 

OK, riff time, and in some spots we'll do all three versions:

Both MST and Rifftrax noted the slaves in waiting looked like auditions for Kill Bill

Sumaru celebrates killing people:  "May they rest in peace"

MST:  pieces
RT:  slowest slow clap ever.
88:  Jeannie C. Riley...The Harper Valley Death Squad

Sumaru's slaves kill a traitor who fell in love

MST:  Pentacostals don't baptize this aggressively
RT:  Baptize the Hell out of her

Avalon is at a restaurant while people dance.

MST:  Hey, I know Annette Funicello. Are you impressed?
RT:  Annette, stop doing the Twist and take the kill shot.

The scene where Avalon asks "I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing?"

MST:  He's riffing himself
88:  We'll make fun of the movie if you don't mind
RT:  For anyone under the age of 60, that was a meta joke

Sumaru whips Nader, because she doesn't feel loved and feared enough

MST:  If there are any kids watching, it's past all your bedtimes
RT:  Could I get the thigh strangling treatment instead?

And this picture, which is the movie in a nutshell (the girl on the wall is dead while Nader pretends to be straight AGAIN)...

There were also comments on Twiggy, Mulan, Build-a-Bear Workshop, Venture Brothers and GrubHub. 

The show's salute to spy movies will continue through September, including a tribute to Super Dragon on the 16th. It will end two weeks later with Shape of Things To Come, an alleged HG Wells adaptation. It includes some guy named Caball. 
No, not like that other Kabahl, but it may hint this thing might come to a head before Turkey Day.

Oh, and the show will have a Halloween contest, and entries can be sent to mst3k.com/halloween. 
For everything else, gizmoplex.com

Gamera's Back, But What's Pearl Planning? MST in July

 

Sorry this was a week late, but there were no watch parties at Comic-Con.
For the first time in 30 years, Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffs on a Gamera movie. However, Jonah and the bots see it uncut, and it's a bit tedious. Meanwhile, Pearl may be planning something. Forresters don't have family vacations without a motive.

First, though, the movie...
it takes place around the time of Expo 70 in Osaka. A strange statue found by an "American" in Wester Island will be part of the event. Some guy claims removing it will cause a curse. Actually, it wakes up a monster called Jiger. Gamera comes to the rescue, despite the adults being upset it'll wreck Japan. Jiger "infects it" with an egg or whatever. The Annoying Kids borrow a kiddie submarine to rescue Gamera, then we have the final battle where Gamera wins. 
It's the usual thing, only without sexy aliens who want to eat brains. 

                                      

At the Gizmoplex, Kinga's happy her Kingadome has become so successful, and even says she's done more in her family's tradition of "unpleasant entertainment" than anyone else. 
That's where Pearl suggests Kinga join her in a vacation in the Time Bag. Hostile takeover attempt, maybe?
Also, they may screw up time and erase the experiment from existence...or be forced to become Dr. Pearl and TV's Kinga.

Well, that's sometime in the not too distant future, but it's a chance for Max and the two Synthias to mind the store. That should make things interesting. Besides, maybe Emily winds up running the show.   

The host segments were pretty good, as they spoofed exposition events and how one of the kids was dubbed. 
Then Dr. Donna St. Phibes came back with results of the crew's physicals. The results were rather odd, especially Jonah apparently having robot parts inside him (because one of his family members is someone called Chuck E. Cheese). Maybe this is a ploy by the doc to be alone with Jonah, since at the end of season 12 she did fancy him a bit (it's OK, they're married in real life). 

                                        

Maybe it's a moot point. She feeds the "giant brain" from the 2018 Live Tour, but suddenly becomes its lunch. If she survived this, it may prove SHE has an interesting relative called TV's Frank, who's had his share of physical abuse.

It ends with a rousing Irish drinking song about Jiger. Actually, this episode has many interesting musical moments. The crew sings several inaccurate English translations of the Gamera song, but also sell a plaintive song where Gamera reflects on his life battling monsters for his kiddie friends. 

By the way, it's the original version because the credits weren't in English. It also started with a "best of Gamera" reel, but could that really be true? 
Also, the monsters didn't get anywhere near Expo 70 because the organizers drew the line at that.

Now, riff time...

Keisuke tells Hiroshi about the statue:  "Its purpose is a mystery"
Like the Cats movie

The statue is moved
That's one big Pez dispenser

Jiger wakes up
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

Then meets Gamera
How do I let you know if I'm a Triceratops or a Tricerabottom?

The fight they have is...rather repetitive
What's the feeling you get when you've seen a giant monster battle before? Kaiju Vu?

Gamera painfully tries to remove the arrows Juger shot at him  

Never kink shame Gamera

The kids try to remove whatever Jiger injected into him
This is the most stressful game of Operation ever

There's also riffs on Coors, the Buffy movie (happy 30th), MASH, Yo Gabba Gabba, one of Gamera's past friends....and Cornjob!

After big monsters dominated July, it looks like "super" "heroes" will take over August. The featured movie will be The Batwoman, a Mexican "adaptation" that might be too sexy for this show.

Meanwhile, Synthia's Selects will include Prince of Space, some Neptune men, a Ninja, and (this I SHOULD have seen coming) a more quaint Batwoman who battles a fake Mexican villain. 

The next tribute will look at Pumaman August fifth, and it may be a better print or (horrors) the uncut version.
Still, no Sampson against vampire women?

     I WILL KILL AGAAAAAAIINNNN!

MST3K: All Hail Cabal, Then Wonder About Robot Wars

 

This ain't your uncle's Mystery Science Theater 3000, because now the Mads have a boss.

His name is Cabal, who claims he's from the future and is paying Kinga and Max's bills.
He's probably a high-tech fraud, but at least he suggests they get a second host (which is where Emily Marsh comes in). Cabal is played by Baron Vaughn, who also voices Tom Servo. So, is Kabal the second coming of Kevin Murphy except with a aerodynamic hoodie? We shall see.

Aside from that, the second half of the "soft open" gets underway with a showing of Robot Wars. It's about a guy named Drake who operates a scorpion robot that shoots at tanks while carrying passengers. It takes place in 2041, so it's more depressing than, say, Warriors of the Lost World. 
Anyway, he flirts with a passenger who suspects something is hidden under a ghost town called Crystal Valley. It's supposed to be a relic of 1993 (when this movie was made). An Asian guy and a "journalist" get involved, and it's revealed a long-forgotten robot is buried under the town. It soon emerges, setting up the "Robot War" which barely lasts a couple of minutes. The terrible stop-action animation doesn't help either. 

The riffing, however, is a little better than the Santo vs. Dracula movie. The host segments were good, too. It featured Jonah in a dress (yikes), a tour of a 1990's theme park, and a Ted Talk about Drake's buddy Stumpy

Then Kinga and Max wonder how they can get a second host. Thanks to Synthia, they get a solution:

It looks like her first movie will happen in a few weeks.

So, let's get to the riffs:

Drake tries to charm Leda (the nosy passenger)
What's the opposite of a meet cute? Beat you?

Stumpy the sidekick:  What would John Wayne do?
Say something racist?

The buried robot emerges through a parking lot
So that's how Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Balloons are born

Then it's about to fight the Scorpion robot
I'm gonna walk down to Electric Avenue

To their credit, Jonah and the bots riffs through very long closing credits.
Best Boy, why isn't there a Best Girl?

There were also riffs on Scottsdale, Home Depot, Dukes of Hazzard, Joe Frazier, Hamilton and This Island Earth (the MST version). 

Afterwards, there was a pre-taped discussion about the Gizmoplex and why Joel decided on a "soft launch" first. He was joined by Matt McGinnis, Lesley Kinzel and Ivan Askwith. They made some great points about how backers got a chance to see them build the Plex while getting it ready for the grand opening on May 6th. Joel compared it to a basketball team getting some practice time before the season starts. They also wanted the fans to see the process and how that can be very interesting. So far, it's led to some valuable feedback that can be used once everyone else can get a chance to check out the Gizmoplex. 

They also say it's not like Netflix, and that's not the goal here. It's a place where people can be part of MST3K as a fan or backer, or just someone who wonders what they heck it is. They can go with subscriptions or just buy or rent an episode. It's also a chance for other MSTies to share their love for the show, and spread the word. As Joel says, it's kind of like buying a season ticket to live plays or a Best of Broadway series. He also admits he's not trying to compete with other sci-fi franchises like Star Trek, and he shouldn't. MST is all about mocking the genre, especially the low-tech attempts, and that makes it a unique part in our lives and America (AMEN!).

There was also some discussion on how the show changed over the years. It started as a nice way to spend two hours on the Comedy Central, to something really different on SyFy. That channel treated the show as a sci-fi series with plot and stuff, never mind the movie mocking. Now that the show is its own boss, it can be the best of all of its incarnations.

That makes sense. After all, Broadway shows have previews and out-of-town tryouts before Opening Night. This is the same thing.
It's already had an effect. The intermission for the second episode was much shorter compared to Santo, which was basically a long host segment.

Anyway, the next show will be Emily's first with Beyond Atlantis, made in the Philippines. That'll be on the 29th.
Oh, and look who came back...

MST3K, The Streaming Channel! Coming Soon....If You Want To Help

In the not too distant future, etc.

"DAMMIT!"
"MAX!"
The angry woman slugs her poor lackey.
"OUCH!"
"Hey, you should have noticed I'm wearing my MODOK costume for the next Comic-Con...whenever that happens"

Yeah, it's Kinga and Max. They just found out not even Shout Factory TV won't OK another season.

"This is an outrage," she says. "They show the really old stuff, some of the newer ones. We can make more."
"Uh, Kinga, you better see this..."
"See what, Max?", she says.

She then sees Jonah and Joel announcing the new Kickstarter plan for MST3K to be its own streaming service, with new stuff and specials.
"BLASPHEMY!", she yells. "Why didn't I think of that when we had all those COVID specials online thanks to President Virus Chump?"
"Maybe because you alienated all those other streaming services," Max says.
"Hey, I tried to be charming, offered the Satellite of Love to Amazon Prime to help with their delivery services. I still refuse to believe HBO Max when it said I was more terrifying than Godzilla or Kong. I'm more sure of that after seeing that movie the other day."
"Yeah, I think it's more terrified that Millie Bobbie Brown is 17"
"Why?," Kinga wonders. "Because it means Enola Holmes 2?"
"Well, Max says, "let's see if we can horn in on this before Synthia or Mega-Synthia find out."
"Yeah, I don't need that sequel to Attack of the Clones."

So, they see the new attempt to bring back Mystery Science Theater 3000, found at 
MakeMoreMST3K.Com

After they see the pitch video....
"OK, where are we in this?", Kinga wonders. "Besides, I thought Joel retired. This is not the time to pull a Jay Leno."
"Of course not," Max says. "Since you have that Conan O'Brien shrine, with rubber duck."
"Hey, Funko didn't offer that.

"Well, aside from dropping a few bucks of our own (thanks to our somewhat official swag we did sell), we can figure out a way to be the Mads again. I don't want that loudmouth Mega-Synthia taking over my job."
"Right," Max says, "or you shoving me towards Meg when she tries to attack you."
"Why would you think I'd....OK, that's too easy."
"It's not as if you'd be friends with Pearl's Clones."
"Sure I would....until I betray them...or they do....

"Look, let's just make sure this Gizmoplex is made, then we can inflict ourselves in it. In fact, let's make a threat, er, video, on that."
"Good idea," Max says. "The first goal is two million for three episodes..."
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, to quote a Super Dragon. We must break six million...and we're already close to a million four hours after this started. This will be a snap."
"Yeah, and thanks to being stuck in that other theater Jonah made for a couple of hours, and reviewing all the previous experiments, we'll have some ideas on new entries."
"Well, it wasn't my idea to do that, but once I found out some TV-movies were riffed in the pre-historic days, I just had to look."
"Sure. Of course, Kinga, you really want to get the sequel to Grizzly since it was shown on Showtime."
"I'd prefer getting Mike Nelson and force him to see it. It's bad enough he's our arch-enemy, the least he can do is be mad at us when we recapture him."
"Yeah, but what if we try to borrow a movie he's riffed, like with Ator?"
"I'd rather not do that. We just have to beat him to the punch, or maybe punch him if he offers us Lycan Colony or something like that"

"Come to think of it, what about our dads?", Max says.
"OH, THEM! They fake their deaths so they wind up mocking bad movies online too? Whose side are they on? Next thing you know, fans will expect us doing it."
"Well, I've watched enough Turner Classic Movies...."
"You dare suggest me doing it and I'll find that Metal Reptilicus you found a few years back and turn you into its lunch."
"Actually, it made up a third of the Metal Godzilla in that movie."
"How? It looked more like a bad Lego set."
"Hey, let's just make sure this Gizmoplex is funded, then make sure we're part of it."
"Damn right we will. No clone gonna replace me.

"Come to think of it, what about Emily whats-her-name. Could she replace Jonah?"
"Maybe they take turns. Since it's a streaming service, maybe it's twice the experiments."
"Well, let's get this funded. Maybe we can get revenge over those who have forsaken us, especially Netflix."
"Maybe. By the way, Kinga, could this lead to spinoffs like Dr. Donna St, Phibes' Monster Kingdom?"
"Oh, great, waste 30 minutes on seeing the wild Trumpy, Beast of Hollow Mountain, Hobgoblins or Coleman Francis in their unnatural habitats. 
SAAAYYYY..."

If you want MST3K's streaming service Gizmoplex to come true (watch out, Paramount Plus) go to makemoremst3k.com. The campaign will run until May seventh. Lots of bonus swag will be available depending on how much you want to give. They even include a music box and snow globe. 
HI-Keeba!

The End of MST3K on Netflix, or Kinga is Invaded by Australians

Well, it is now official, more than a year after Kinga Forrester imposed the Gauntlet on Jonah Heston, Crow and Servo. What she expected, no one knows, because she clearly forgot when Clayton Forrester tried to show people 30 hours of the show in a row and nothing much happened.

Netflix has decided not to make a third series of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That was confirmed was Joel Hodgson in his latest Revival League e-mail. There were rumblings about it for a while, including Facebook and Reddit. Some have also pointed out the show's last season on Comedy Central was six shows. Well, it turns out they were right.
Apparently, Netflix prefers making movies that might win Academy Awards than show a guy and two robots be movie critics for 90 minutes.
Then again, it also doesn't think it needs Marvel. That'll backfire.

So, I was thinking, how would Kinga respond to the news?
It could be this....

Kinga and Max are on Moon 13, plotting their next movie against Jonah, as soon as he gets back from last year's live tour.

"You'd think they'd be back by now," Max would say. "Synthia wouldn't double cross us, would she?"

"She better not," Kinga could say. "She's Pearl's clone...and suddenly I'm worried because I don't think Pearl respects me as she should. I mean, she's gone to the enemy...Rifftrax! Sure, she's good with her friend Bridget but that means she's with Nelson. AHHHH!"

She hits Max, of course, but he pokes her back.
"Look, hitting me changes nothing," Max says. "Surely Netflix will give us another series. They wouldn't throw us away. Since they dumped Marvel, they have nothing...except Stranger Things, Atypical, Adam Sandler movies that aren't embarrassing, that sci-fi mob movie..."
"What?"
"The Irishman. Any movie that makes Robert DeNiro younger is sci-fi"
"Well, if it's a movie that's not only longer than Endgame but better, you have to hand it to them...especially with the first scene DeNiro has with Pesci. Now THAT's special effects."

Then the Deep Hurting ship shows up. Kinga meets it along with some Boneheads and Max.
"FINALLY," Kinga bellows. "Get the tubes ready. The Deep Hurting shall resume! Locking us in that second theater didn't trap us for long, and seeing those bad movies gave me ideas for new nightmare-fueled movies. Jonah will be sorry he didn't fake-marry me"

The ship lands, and Kinga says, "Welcome, you doomed, pathetic...."
It's not Jonah. Or the bots.
"Hello, Kinga, remember me?"
"Martha Masters???"
"Yes, Martha Masters, CEO of Gizmonic Institute. As you can see, Synthia is with me."
"Hello, Bonehead," Synthia says sweetly with cyanide.
"Boy, some loyal clone you are," Kinga says.
"Hey, I am loyal to my maker, Pearl...sort of," Synthia explains. "You knew I'd double cross you and try to take over the experiment. The second live show tour changed that."
"Indeed," Masters says.  "It took a while to track you down after Jonah disappeared a year ago (in storyline terms), but we figured out this was happening in our old Moon base. Jonah visited us when he was in town, and told us about your revival of that dumb experiment that made great TV."
"Yes, it did, and I have created a vast empire. New shows! New fans! Overpriced souvenirs sold in two live tours! Live tours!! SWAG!!! Comedy Central and SyFy never bothered with that...or Rifftrax."
"All right," Masters said. "I'll give you that, but cloning?"
"Hey, that was Grandma Pearl..."
"Kinga, you do know you're not really Dr. Clayton Forrester's daughter."
"NO! I am Dr. Forrester's child!"
"ADOPTED!"
"YES!!", Kinga admitted. "That counts, right?"
"Yeah, but you know you're not that much like him. For one thing, your hair's too good. And 'nightmare-fueled world' is so cliche. A more apt description is 'cheap and pathetic' for these movies."
"Well, I tried. I even stole ideas from Jonah for the Invention Exchange. That's what the old Mads did. By the way, they're buried on Mearth."
"Actually, they faked their deaths and are atoning by mocking movies nationwide but not California for some reason," Masters revealed. "They also have a podcast"
"So that story Dr. Erhardt said was a lie?", Kinga says. "I'm crushed."
"Well, maybe he wanted to show he was alive after all. He doesn't like being a forgotten henchman"

"Uh, speaking of forgotten henchmen.." Max says.
"Oh, Max Frank,or whatever your name is." Masters says.
"It's TV's Son of TV's Frank, actually."
"Really. Is that what it says on your birth certificate?"
"It should. I mean, it exists...unless Dad is hiding something from me."
"Well," Masters says, "I'm sure you are Frank's son. He must have gotten lucky once in his Soultaker days."
She also looks at him looking a bit too longingly at Kinga "Still have lousy taste in women, I see."
"Hey, Kinga's my bae"
"I AM NOT!"
"Well, I care about you, a lot more than Neville, that space magician."
"Man, he was a big dud as a date. FTW, K, my ass!," Masters grumbles.
"Gee, talk about..."

"QUIET! Anyway, aside from wanting to put you all in chains," Masters says, "I'm here to say Netflix has pulled the plug on MST3K."
"DAMMIT!!!", Kinga yells as she tries to hit everyone before Max and a couple of the Boneheads restrain her. "First Comedy Central, now this."
"I know," Masters says, "It was great to have people talk about Gizmonics again. However, that doesn't mean it's all over. It's not 1999. There are other options."
"Yes!," Kinga says, "We can kidnap someone else, blackmail Twitch or HBO Max to carry us, offer same-day delivery to Amazon Prime members..."
"How?"
"Satellite of Love, of course."
"Well, there are better options," Masters says.  "Also, we have a third live show that apparently includes someone named Mega-Synthia..."
"What?" Synthia asks, "I thought that prototype was destroyed. I mean, a clone of Pearl and me? It's like cloning yourself twice. Icky. Besides, she looked like a member of GLOW, and I don't mean the Netflix show."
"Don't mention Netflix to me again," Kinga says. "I thought they believed in us, that we'd be the bedrock to their service, that without us they would fade away and die. Once again, MST3K gets betrayed by an ungrateful channel, dumped for something sexier."
"Well, at least we didn't get dumped for cheesy animation," Max says.
"Besides, Kinga, Disney Plus will cause more problems for Netflix, if it hasn't already thanks to Yoda Jr.," Synthia says.
"Yeah, their version of Nummy Muffin Cocoa Butter," Max says.

"While the live show continues, everything is on hold, but all you guys are going back to Gizmonic," Masters says.
"Doing what?", Kinga asks.
"Well, you could be the dung scooper for Trumpy"
"Sure, Dr. Donna St. Phibes, future fake boyfriend stealer, would love that", Kinga says. "By the way, where is she?"
"Back at Gizmonic and her zoo," Masters says.
"So, what do you have in store for Max and me?", Kinga asks, trying to look brave but failing.
"You can help us bring back the show," Masters says. "If you got us 20 new shows and some swag, it won't take 18 years to get back."
"Damn right it won't, and I'm sure Max and me will be as evil as ever."
"Well, if it comes to that. Mega-Synthia is pretty popular on the live show."
"Really", Synthia said with some bitterness.
"I can go back to being the rink rat at the New Beverly, now that it's open again," Max says. "I might find some other "nightmare-fueled movies."
"It could be tougher," Masters says, "since there's now money in being insulted."

Bonita, one of the Boneheads, asks, "What about us?"
"Well, you have a band, right?"
"Well, Friendster and his friends. We were supposed to be an army that would overrun the world, but we were better playing weddings and bar mitzvahs."
"Well, that's almost the same thing," Masters says. "I have friends that will get you on the circuit."

Kinga stands there, sad and disappointed. "I thought I was going to get billions from Disney, be a real big shot, laugh at the heaping, sobbing carcass of Grandma Pearl. Instead, I'm on a one-way ticket to Palookaville."
"Hey," Max says, "I'm the movie nut, not you."
"Yeah, well..."
"But Netflix will still run our shows..and we still have the swag that Shout Factory sells for us!"
"Yeah, and who's to say out diabolical plan won't work after all?"

"Wait," Bonita says, "why is a flying boomerang spaceship headed our way?"
They soon find out. A bunch of Australians get off the ship.
"OK, which one of you is Kinga Forrester?", a Hugh Jackman look-a-like asks. "If you think you're going to sink our beloved Australia unless you get ten billion dollars..."
"WAIT A MINUTE!", Kinga says. "First, it proves you saw one of our early live shows..."
"No, I got it from this book that Amazon sold online"
"Oh," she says. "We also sold this on the live shows. This is a script. I'd probably sink myself if I really tried. This is the intro to our riff of Eegah"
"You mean the movie where a caveman battles a six foot hairless warthog?"
"You mean Arch Hall Jr. Yeah, that's him."
"Actually, your new shows were really good, especially the Gauntlet"
"Thank you," Kinga says, "I was hoping it would be painful."
"Well," Not Hugh says, "maybe if you ended with Atlantic Rim instead of Ator..."
"We've gotten that a lot," Max says. "Would you like your book autographed?"
"As long as I'm here..."

Finally, Kinga and Max look at their former base, looking at what might have been.
Bonita approaches them. "Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show..."
"Do you really believe that?", Kinga and Max say.
Bonita weeps. So do Kinga and Max.

"We'll be back," Kinga vows. "If we have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, next Sunday A.D. will come"
"Or someone will take over," Max says.
"Well, I prefer us," Kinga says.
"So, our dads are doing a podcast, huh?"

Stuffing or Potatoes? Nope! Feast on New MST3K Instead

Good news! Jonah Heston survived the "wedding" that ended season eleven of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
After that, his fate is up in the air.

Netflix FINALLY revealed the show will have six new episodes on Thanksgiving, November 22nd, instead of the usual Friday release.

It was done because the show started on Thanksgiving 1988, so it was the perfect exception.
The start of season 12 will be the first fresh episode since April 14, 2017, or about 18 months. It's the longest period between shows since Comedy Central dumped the show in May 1996 and SyFy brought it back eight months later.
This also means the new six-pack will be unveiled after the live tour, which starts in less than two weeks and will run until just before the holidays.

The previous season ended when Kinga tried to "marry" Jonah just for the ratings. He hesitates, figuring he may not survive the reception. Actually, Max made a new friend by suddenly finding a metallic Reptilicus, and tells it to eat Jonah. She thinks Jonah was killed, but apparently only for a little while. Jonah does survive, but Kinga decides he must die (or suffer) via exposure to cheesy movies, the worst she can find (la-la-la).
The only question is how Max is not killed by Kinga over this. At least Clayton needed Frank as a friend/victim, and she doesn't see Max that way....but should. It's certain the Boneheads wouldn't put up with this.
We'll also see if Synthia has "matured" after being Pearl's clone for a while, There are signs in the comic book that she has.

Some photos were unveiled by the AV Club, which broke the news:

There's also this picture where Jonah confronts Kinga and Max, which is unheard of compared to the old days.

It seems to be set just after "At The Earth's Core", but it's safe to say while Jonah gets the drop on the Mads and their Boneheads, the bad guys'll figure out how to keep the experiment going. At least Waverly is rebuilt and he'll have a new friend.
Still, why a band? Will they take on "Don't Knock the Rock" or something like that?

The great thing is that fans can decide how long the annual Turkey Day marathon can last. It can be ten hours as it was at Shout Factory's website or YouTube in previous years, or four days if the NFL games are actually must-see. It's best to see the episodes in order, then maybe mix them up later. As Joel said at the Revival League podcast, he'll start the season with his second-best joke and finish it with his best joke, as stand-ups do.

Hopefully, the show will have a six-pack of cinematic sludge every six months, and ease eager fans.
Of course, MST fans have satisfied their bad movie heckling need thanks to Rifftrax. Wouldn't it be a good idea for Kinga to "wage war" with Rifftrax, but nothing comes of it for a while? Since "Pearl" is with Rifftrax now, at least we should have that.

Until then, the tradition resumes in the not too distant future, Thanksgiving A-D.

UPDATE:  Joel Hodgson just announced Shout Factory's annual MST3K Thanksgiving Marathon will be held on November 18, which is the final night of the live tour in Minneapolis. As usual, it'll have six classic shows.

FINALLY! Mystery Science Theater 3000 Will Return On Netflix in 2018

It is almost time.

Thousands of fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 switched off their computers, streaming sticks and tablets when the annual Turkey Day Marathon ended this past Thanksgiving. They missed a Rifftrax ad and a Shout Factory ad about new MST3K swag that's now available, including JOIKE sweatshirts.

Maybe they should have stuck around a little longer. Here's why:



That's right, guys. Netflix realized there is lots of room for Shonda Rhimes, Daredevil, young Queen Elizabeth and Stranger Things...and the Satellite of Love.
PRAISE THE LORD!

So, probably after next Easter or more likely around the summer, we will know what happened after Jonah was "eaten" by the Reptilicus Metallicus at the end of "At the Earth's Core" when Max had to stop Kinga from "marrying" Jonah for ratings. It's been all but confirmed the big worm has no stomach, so Jonah will be stuck there for a while. I'd be surprised Max isn't forced to take over for Jonah for a week or two, then he tries to do the same to Kinga. Then, eventually, it'll be back to normal.

What movies will be next aren't picked yet. It's hoped we'll see Lou Ferrigno as Hercules, since Shout Factory has those movies now. However, in this interview in Brooklyn Vegan, it's unlikely Argoman will also be on the list because it's considered a "concert film" kind of movie. That means it'll be tough to turn a live show movie into a regular episode. Maybe that also explains why "World Without End" wasn't chosen for a regular episode after it was also done live.

The point is, the saga of the third test case, Jonah Heston, will continue. How what happened at the end of season eleven will affect Kinga and Max, and whether we'll get ten or 13 episodes, is still up in the air. Still, having her shove Max into the SOL seems like a natural. Then again, we'll get something else, but we'll get something.

Thanks for pushing the button, Netflix.

MST3K Fan Fiction: What If Buffy Riffed On "Buffy"?

The 20th anniversary of the TV version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is upon us, and already people are celebrating it in very interesting ways.
There was a post in Bustle that shows how four authors would write books with Buffy, Angel, Xander, Willow and all the Slayerettes. Thing is, they are summaries of what happened on the show rather than how these writers would recreate specific scenes. For example, how would George R.R. Martin write about the climactic scene in "Prophecy Girl" where Buffy is brought back from the dead? Jon Snow would have nothing on her.
Someone did find a post where Ayn Rand wrote a Buffy episode. At least that was funny and a better example. Then there was video in YouTube where someone merges Hamilton with Buffy. It was taped last fall, but it's also a great example of recreating her in other ways.
We also know if a Buffy reunion ever happened, David Boreanaz wouldn't be in it mainly because he's not a fan of reunions. There's also an episode of AMC Backstory that recounted how the movie was made, and it was a difficult process. It also explains this bit of fan fiction

In 2006, someone thought it would be cool to write a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode five years after SyFy cancelled it.
So? The movie Mike and the bots are seeing is none other than Serenity. Here’s the link to the webpage.

What if somehow Jonah and the updated bots got their hands on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...thanks to the TV Buffy we all know?

The episode takes place in the not too distant future, whatever, A.D.. Jonah, the riffer who lived, welcomes the viewers to the Satellite of Love and explains, for some unusual reasons, the satellite is back on Earth at the Gizmonic complex for needed repairs, and some things Kinga wants Jonah to handle in an area known as “Deepest 13”. (Let's just say Kinga and Gizmonics made a deal after something happened that involved "deep hurting"). He also says she told him they’re surrounded by 500 ninjas, ready to kill if Jonah tries to escape. He doesn’t believe it, but Crow and Servo make a break for it. They see what they think is a ninja and get scared, but it turns out to be a bush...that later walks away.

Kinga gets on the horn, and tells Jonah to go to Deepest 13 and add wi-fi to make it easier to make cell phone calls. He wonders whether these jobs are necessary, or if she's making him think being trapped in space is better. She says she doesn't care because she's the boss, and brags about sleeping on two beds of money ("Take that, Don Draper!"). He also says there are feral Mole People who have eaten her employees. “Hey,” Kinga says, “they weren’t eaten. Maybe they were nibbled on just a bit...or maybe they decided to join the Mole People considering what happened when...”
“Sorry, Kinga,” Max (aka TV’s Son of TV’s Frank) interrupts. “Someone’s fighting the 500 ninjas and beating them. Not only that, some of them are asking for her autograph."
"HER?", Kinga barks. "If it's who I think it is, we may be in big trouble. Let's get to the ship, Max."

Jonah and the bots see what happening.  Two people head towards the ship, and they happen to be Xander and Willow. They tell Jonah to relax, because their friend will be coming to ask for a favor.
Of course, it’s Buffy.

She wants to make a special request, then Kinga arrives and demands what’s the meaning of this. One look at Buffy, though, and she backs off. Buffy apologizes, but she thinks that if Rifftrax won’t riff this movie, she wants MST to do it. She hands the DVD to Jonah, and he reads the title. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer...not you, right?", he says
Crow asks if it’s because the original Buffy likes Donald Trump or Disney hates audio books which talk about Slaying. TV Buffy says Kristy (Swanson) is entitled to her opinions which should be respected. She thinks that after all these years, despite doing well in that EW Super Heroes poll, a lot of people still think the idea of a teenage girl as a heroine is just silly.
“Or a female hero, period?”, Crow asks
"Hey," Willow says. "The latest Star Wars movies have settled that question, along with Agents of SHIELD, The Hunger Games, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, the WB...."
"You mean the CW?", Crow asks.
"Well, old habits die hard," Willow says. "Oh, and I do have powers which I won't use right now." "Yeah," Crow says, "Are you suuuuuuure? (as she levitates him)". Buffy says she and her friends always wanted to see how the MST crew would “deal” with this movie that's not really about her. "Besides," she adds, "we have one thing in common: Dark Horse. Maybe there will be a comic book about this."

Kinga’s bothered by this, but she won’t challenge Buffy because of reasons she’d rather not mention.  She does accuse Buffy of wanting to mock the movie because it somehow led to her being the Slayer. Buffy says it wouldn't surprise her if Kinga is right, but she still wants to do it...partially because she heard about the plug being pulled on more Slayer audio books. Kinga dares Buffy and her friends to riff on the first reel. They look stunned and worried, and accuse her of planning to make money out of this. She says, “What’s your point? How much do you want this? How much?”
Their answer: “When do we start?”

“That much, huh?”
"Have you met her?", Xander asks.
"I know enough," Kinga says, "and I'm not really surprised by this. I wanted a new Slayers audio book if it included some people we haven't seen for a while....like you guys." "Why do you think they came all this way?", Jonah asks "Hey," Max says, "this ain't Riff of Thrones..."
MOVIE SIGN!!!

20th Century Fox fanfare
Xander: 20th Century Fox. Star Wars isn’t everything. Really.
HEY, AT LEAST WE GAVE YOU DEADPOOL!
Willow: Wait, Fox gave us Aliens and Planet of the Apes Buffy: Yes, so you would THINK they would have tried harder. Xander: Well, it learned eventually. “Since the dawn of man…”

Buffy:  or about 30 years ago

She who bears the birthmark, the mark of the coven

Buffy:  That’s not where my birthmark is

Trained by the Watcher, one Slayer dies and the next is chosen.
Willow: It's not that big, either.

Olde Slayer: And I shall be His sword

Olde Watcher: Let Satan Tremble, the Slayer is born

Xander:  So sayeth Lord John Fever! Then the jump cut from holding a stake to pom-poms. Willow: Hey, you can't slay vampires with those. Xander: I know. She'd have better luck with her pointy hat.

The title of the movie appears.

Buffy:  Well, we’ll see about that.

Luke Perry's name shows up in credits.
Xander:  90210's bad boy, Archie's dad on Riverdale, now in TV Heaven.
Willow:  Godspeed, Dylan Walsh.

Movie Buffy looks at her basketball star boyfriend, Jeffrey
Xander:  Low-rent Christian Laettner.

The basketball coach tries to inspire the team
Xander:  Why is Schemer from Shining Time Station coaching?
Willow: Maybe he's betting on the other team.
Buffy:  Schemer!!

“Written by Joss Whedon”

Buffy:  Gee, whatever happened to him?
(Xander and Willow look at her)
(whispers) Well, we know, but we’re not supposed to, remember?
Others: Oh yeah, ahem (starts whistling like Crow and Servo do)

"Southern California, the Lite Ages"
Xander: Half the calories, carbs, IQ..and that's even before Tik Tok.

Movie Buffy:  Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I’m ever going to Spain anyway.

Willow: Is this is a first draft of Clueless? Buffy: Well, it needs lots more Jane Austen, and where's Paul Rudd?

Buffy sees a yellow jacket
Xander: From the Beatrix Kiddo Collection

Kimberly (talking about the jacket): So five minutes ago
Willow: This movie is so 30 years ago.

Merrick shows up
Xander: That look is so 40 years ago, along with his stalking.

He soon skulks away after spotting Movie Buffy
Buffy: (sings) Where In The World Is Carl San Diego?

Benny:  I can’t believe these people. We paid good money to see this
Xander: Hey, we'll mock the movie, pal. You deal with being in it.

Movie Buffy bends over on top of one of the car doors outside the theater.

Andy: I don’t want to sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow her?
Buffy:  I never did that! I had parents. They argued, but they were there.

Grueller wanders into a park towards a merry-go-round. Sees Amilyn, aka Count Pee Wee.

Willow: Yikes, Pee Wee’s turned into a Lost Boy

Buffy:  or Nicholas Cage after Mandy

"And Lulu just can't get pregnant"
Xander: Wasn't she 44 when this movie was made? Buffy: I think he meant the panda
Movie Buffy eating popcorn while her boyfriend tries to make out
Willow: Is she wondering if there's something more to life?
Xander: No, she's a cheerleader.
Buffy: I was a cheerleader, almost...until that witch...
Xander: We know.

Movie Buffy dreams of Slaying in a previous life.

Buffy:  Hey, where did this movie come from?
Xander:  Not so loud. You might scare it off.

She jumps through a window to nail a vampire

Buffy: Not exactly Wonder Woman, but I like her enthusiasm.

Some vampires show up.
Xander: Nobody expects the Undead Inquisition.

Lothos: Oh, please, show me a real Slayer
Xander and Willow (pointing at Buffy): Right here

Buffy: He can find out himself. They always do.

Amilyn: I have already begun building you a new family. Soon we will be legion.

Xander:  with 200% more Aubrey Plaza.

Amilyn:  Rubies will drip from your lips.
Buffy:  Actually, everyone will be dripping from his lips

Movie Buffy and her crew talk about the upcoming dance

Buffy: So this is the meeting of the 90210 extras, I assume.

Cassandra:  What do you think about the Ozone layer?
Movie Buffy:  Yeah. we gotta get rid of that.

Willow: For their sake, she better be talking about a local grunge band.

Movie Buffy: I don't know, guys, I wanna get a head start on my homework (then everyone laughs). Buffy: Betsy DeVos, the early years. Yeah, I read the papers.

Pike and Benny show up. Benny puts a bunch of change on a tray
Benny: What does it look like?
Xander: What this movie made after home video.
Willow:  It made little more than....hey, isn't that Ricki Lake?

Movie Buffy:  You guys are thrashed
Pike:  That would explain the slurred speech
Xander: and the slurred script, set design, cinematography…

Pike: I'm Pike. This is Benny.
Movie Buffy: Pike's not a name, it's a fish.
Xander: It's also a peak, baby....I better not finish that riff.
Willow: Good idea, or we'd beat the Andrew Cuomo out of you.
Xander: Or Bob Packwood. That was the go-to riff for a while.

Benny complains and lusts after Movie Buffy
Pike:  You don’t even like her and you’d sleep with her, what is that?

Xander:  Being a guy, what else?
Benny: I got a news flash for you. One more shot of this and I’d have sex with you

Pike:  Oh, yeah then you’ll never call me.
Buffy: What is this, Dawson’s Pub Crawl? Willow: No, maybe an early version of Strange Way of Life. Pike sorta looks like Pedro Pascal.
I really said that, didn't I?

Merrick is seen driving

Xander: Why is Indiana Jones driving a Ford Escort?
Merrick sees a drunk Pike on the ground
Xander: Bring out your stoned!

Movie Buffy: (rehearsing a cheer) Take that ball to the hoop, hoop. OK. Buffy: Now let's try to teach that to the basketball team.

Movie Buffy practices her gymnastics

Buffy: Ah, my life, when it was destiny-free. BUT, NOOOOO, some guy says I'm a Slayer and I should kill vampires and revolutionize TV. Well, I'll do it my way, and you'll like it Willow: and they do! A lot longer than people thought. Gail Berman was right!

Merrick: You should have been taught, prepared.
Xander: But your name's Buffy, so why bother?
Buffy: Hey, a Slayer by any other...ah, damn it!

Movie Buffy: My trust fund’s in a graveyard?

Xander:  Well, buying Truth Social stock will do that.

Movie Buffy: Why don’t you just take the first runner-up, OK?
Buffy:  That doesn't work. I know, I tried.

Merrick: You must come with me now to the graveyard while there’s still time.
Movie Buffy: Time to do what?

All: Yeah!
Merrick: Time to stop the killing, to stop the vampires.

Movie Buffy:  All right, let me get this straight, OK. You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the Chosen One and there are vampires?

Buffy:  This guy's elevator pitch needs work.

Merrick: You bear the Mark of the Coven

Movie Buffy: What, that big old hairy mole? Ew, I had it removed

Buffy: (Yells at the movie) What kind of a Me are you?
(realizes what she just said) WHAT AM I SAYING? Thanks a lot, movie
Movie Buffy: I was a slave

Merrick: In Virginia
Xander: For 12 years?

Kinga: OK, wrap it up, guys. I want my victims, er, crew to take over.
Willow: Hey, one more scene, OK?
Movie Buffy:  How do you know all this? (talking about her dreams that he knows about)
Merrick:  Because it is your birthright and I am a part of it.

Buffy:  You know, I once dreamed I was Erica Kane’s daughter.

Willow:  That’s weird (as they leave)

Buffy:  I know. My mom and I watch Days Of Our Lives. Kinga: Don't give me that. You got Pine Valley written all over you.

Everyone admits the Scooby Gang’s riffing is quite impressive, "maybe too good" as Kinga says.
"Well," Buffy says, "Kristy did the best she could being a new type of superhero, and Paul, uh Pee Wee, proved he could do more than be in a playhouse. Still, the movie isn't my story. There is a comic book that is more accurate, though. I have no issues with that."
"Yeah, well, I have issues," Kinga says, while the others look at her strangely. "Well, the fact that others are in this riffing biz, especially that jerk Nelson. Stupid Rifftrax! Forresters are the masters of this, and I'm bugged you guys did so well." "Well, we'll just have to top them," Jonah says.
"You better!", Kinga says. "So embarrassing. Get to the theater, guys. Show them how it's done"

Movie Buffy:  I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night. Eeeew.

Jonah: Yeah, who’d want to do that every Tuesday night?

Crow: You’d be surprised.

Cassandra is alone in a parking lot when she hears sinister laughter
Servo: Uh-oh, the wind is calling her Maria.

Buffy’s first vampire emerges from the grave with his arms above his head

All:  TOUCHDOWN!

A female vampire emerges from her grave..

Crow: Let go of me, Uma Thurman.

Merrick battles with the vampire

Jonah:  What is this, Undead Fighting Championship?

Buffy kills her first vampire...when it bumps into her stake
Servo: Hey, that's how Xander killed his first vampire. I remember the pilot.

Buffy then kills the blonde vampire.
Jonah: No! You killed Undead Debbie Reynolds
Crow: That was Undead Carol Brady. Wait, that's bad, too.

Bennie floats outside Pike's second floor window Jonah: Oh, no, Danny Glick is back Bennie (still floating): "I feel pretty"
Crow: AHHH! No wonder Peter Pan left him behind.
(After Bennie laughs maniacally) Servo: And I saw his reflection! No wonder she hates this movie.

“I’M HUNGRY!!”
Jonah, Crow and Servo (singing):  “Like the wolf!!!”

Quick shot of the Ford logo on Merrick’s car.
Jonah:  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, built Ford tough.

Movie Buffy:  They can’t come in unless you invite them in, is that true?
Merrick:  That’s true

Movie Buffy:  Good

Crow: Yeah, you don't want to be attacked by the Vampire A/V Club

Buffy goes to bed and Lothos is there.

Servo: Sleep like you’re dead to the world with the Lothos Eternal Rest Mattress
(gives her a teddy bear) with automatic teddy bear dispenser
She wakes up and realizes she has a ribbon in her hair.

Jonah:  Man, why do I keep gift wrapping myself?

Cassandra, though, is in Lothos’ lair: Who are you?
All (singing): He's gonna bite you from a forklift! Servo: That's how he levitated. Max told me.

Merrick’s in the locker room
Movie Buffy: What are you doing here? This is a naked place
Jonah: Wait til the lockers get dressed, at least.
Movie Buffy: Obviously somebody read their tea leaves wrong cuz I'm not your girl. Servo: Was it Warren Beatty or Steve Harvey? Merrick tosses a knife at Movie Buffy. She catches it. Merrick: Bravo.
Jonah: That proves nothing. She could be the chosen one for Angel City FC.

Buffy: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater and die
Crow: Well, who is he to dash such dreams?

Jonah: Oh dear, the training montage. I wonder if it’s as bad as No Defeat No Surrender.

There’s a mix of her training and her life in high school.

Crow:  We interrupt this training montage and join The OC in progress.

Buffy tosses a stake at a foam vamp, and stabs a leg

Servo: And that’s why Ed Ames never became a Slayer.

Principal Murray tries to counsel Buffy, mainly about drugs.

Murray:  Don’t think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. No, think of me as Gary Murray, party guy.
Crow:  Why? You were in Get Out and Office Space.

He’s stunned to see her spit out a thumbtack and impale a fly.

Jonah:  I’m not sure what you’re taking, young lady, but does Bradley Cooper still have those pills?

Pike:  There's something going on around here. I don't know. Something real weird.
Zeph:  Hey, what do you want me to do when I see Benny?
Pike:  Run
Crow:  He hasn't showered since he joined the Undead.

Movie Buffy sings “Feelings” while searching for vampires.
Jonah: Nice, sing a song that’ll make the demons slay themselves. Try something from Sublime Servo: or Lara Trump.

Buffy gets cramps because vampires are near

Crow:  Again? She has the worst spider-sense ever.

A vampire does show up, badly dressed.
Servo: Adam Sandler?

Kinga tries to berate Jonah for not being traumatized enough by the movie, but he says, "hey, this was almost a real movie. Not my fault it has grains of competence." "You kidding?," Buffy says. "It's like Attack of the Eye Creatures, where they just didn't care...enough. In fact, why don't you get in there?"

"How dare you," Kinga bellows. "I am...hey, no fair carrying me with one arm!" Max seems to be upset. "Buffy shouldn't have done that. It's not Kinga's fault she's like this. She forgot that man is a feeling creature...and because if it, the greatest in the universe. She learned too late for herself that men have to..." "AW, SHUT UP!" Max pauses after Kinga yells that. "I regret nothing, especially what I did at..."

"DON'T MENTION THAT!," she yells. "You're lucky you still have a spleen, and yet what you did was kind of flattering," "Look, I'll go in with you," he says. "I don't like this movie either, They should have gone with Joss’ ideas”
“Well, add it all up and…”, Buffy says

Everyone: We know what it spells.  
MOVIE SIGN!

Kinga: OK, Buffy, we'll do it...but you have to do the last reel with Jonah. Buffy: Fine, can't wait, but YOU TWO first. Max: Relax, Kinga, we can do this. Kinga: Well, I rather not...but yeah, we can do this.

Pike can't start his van. "This is not my night." Max: I'm on a one way ticket to Palookaville. Kinga: That's kind of a layup, isn't it? Max: A layup's a layup. Amilyn: Aaarrrgh!
Kinga:  Hey, Pike’s screaming. “Aaargh” must be the secret word of the day.

Amilyn is on top of Pike's van, and enjoying the view.
Max: If he says "I'm king of the world", I'm gonna be a movie slayer
Kinga: That's not your job. Sit down.
Then he tries to reach into Pike
Kinga: What's Amilyn doing, backseat steering? Then Amilyn loses his left arm.
Max: Uh-oh, the grandson of the Crawling Hand. Kinga:  Or it's Thing's cousin

Amilyn (after losing an arm): You ruined my jacket. Kill him a lot
Kinga: Not mostly dead. That's another movie.

As Pike tries to fight off a vampire, Movie Buffy suddenly comes in from stage left.

Kinga:  Shouldn’t those vamps dissolve?

Max:  Not enough money in the budget
Kinga: There was a budget? Oh, no, I sound like Buffy. Buffy (off-stage):  GOOD! Now you know why I wanted this

Pike faints again after Buffy nails those vampires.
Kinga: Is Pike's first name Giles by any chance?
Buffy takes Pike back to her house, but her parents aren't there
Max: Did her parents run away, get attacked by Stormtroopers? Where'd they go?

Movie Buffy: You know what it's like when everything is suddenly different and everything you thought was crucial seems so stupid?
Max: The epitaph of the Republican Party...or cable news...the New York Times...

Movie Buffy: You find yourself babbling incoherently with a strange man in your living room?
Pike:  Are you calling me a man?
Max:  Run, before Shannen Doherty finds out.

Lothos to Amilyn:  Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the Crusades.

Max:  Well, I wonder why I ever married you.

Kinga:  MAX! Max: You're just mad I thought of it first Kinga: Uh...well...I can think of something, too. Then Lothos snacks on a cat.
Kinga: Wait, that's a Flerken (or I wish it was)
Amilyn hisses
Max: That was my snack. OK, got that out.

Buffy’s friends discuss Cassandra’s death and that they didn’t get the yellow leather jacket back being the real tragedy.

Max: The ghost of Cordelia Chase should haunt the Hell out of them.

Buffy body-slams a guy grabbing her butt

Kinga: Ronda Rousey in "50 Shades of Black and Blue"
(Max looks at her) See?

Merrick:  None of the other girls gave me this much trouble
Movie Buffy: And where are they now? Hello? Max:  Where was your last job, Amish Country in the 1950s?

Kinga:  Hey, #10, that’s Ben Affleck (giving up the ball to Grueller the vampire)

She notices they dubbed over Ben's voice Kinga: They dubbed him? Is this suddenly a Hercules movie?

Movie Buffy (to newly vamped Grueller): You were my friend
Grueller:  Now, I’m a god
Pike stakes him:  And now, you’re a coat rack.

Max:  That line is too good for this movie.

Kinga: Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

Lothos:  Has our time finally come? Have you ripened so fast?
Kinga:  Ewww. You’re a creepier Kylo Ren. Max: or Congressman....I can't finish that...

Lothos turns the stake at Merrick, killing him.

Merrick (to Movie Buffy):  You do everything wrong
Movie Buffy: Sorry
Merrick: Do it wrong. Don’t play our game. Lothos is a show.
Max: That advice she never forgot. That’s why Buffy’s the show, man.

Kimberly:  You’re acting like a thing from another tax bracket

Max: Future two-time Oscar winner. Who woulda thunk it?

Movie Buffy tries to explain her predicament.
Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kinga: They're dumber than the girls in Sunnydale....so I've heard.

Amilyn and Lothos plan to invade the dance after learning Buffy's identity..

Max: Well, she should repeat to herself he’s just a show
Kinga:  and we should really just relax? WHAT AM I SAYING?
Max: It was bound to happen. Blame Jonah for that, too. Kinga: No, I think we really know the experiment now. Still doing it, though Max: Of course.

They talk about how Pee Wee Herman took a role originally meant for Joan Chen, and how that would have made a different movie, as in better. Buffy also recounts how her first Watcher died differently, and how that was more heroic than in the movie.
Kinga, though, is a little mad she and Max had to riff finally. Max says she’s afraid she’ll fall apart like Clayton did when TV's Frank left.
“THAT’S….not important,” she says. “I need a henchman, like dad did in the old days. Come to think of it, your dad double-crossed my dad once, and he was glad”
“Well, I was made to be that,” Max says, “Maybe literally, like in Moon. I’m not sure. Besides, my dad was more experiment than henchman.”
“Look, what matters is we should finish the movie,” Jonah says. “Ready, Buffy?”
“Oooooooh, yeah,” she says, "especially the 'finish' part"
"You saw the movie during the summer after you were expelled, didn't you?", Kinga asks Buffy.
"It was the most depressing midnight movie ever," Buffy says.
Kinga understands. "Sic' em". "Hell, yeah!" Buffy says. "Gentlemen....." "Where?", Crow says. "Yeah, I know"...as they head to the theater.

Kimberly: This one doesn’t have a mirror at home
Buffy:  Oh no, did Darla go to this dance?

Buffy loses a boyfriend but gets Pike.

Pike:  You know, uh, Buffy, you’re not like other girls

Movie Buffy:  Yes I am

Buffy: Yeah, I'm just the Slayer next door, and…..

(stands up, looks up to the ceiling):  MOM, IS THIS HOW YOU MET DAD?
Jonah: Was it?

Buffy:  (sits down) I think so. She told me it happened to her in college.

The vampires show up

Servo: Surprise! You’re on The Walking Dead

More vamps show up.

Crow:  Why is Lou Diamond Phillips with them (far left)?

Movie Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited. Kimberly:  I already invited them. They’re seniors.
Jonah: Why didn't you try "extreme vetting"?

Buffy: WHAT?
Jonah:  Checking for a pulse.
Buffy: Oh, yeah.

Pike with some stakes: "I've got a bag full of solutions"

Servo: That's a little-known Frank Capra script. Buffy faces more vamps.

Crow: Sorry, guys, she’s not remaking the Thriller video

She tumbles like crazy.

Servo:  Enough with the Simone Biles impression. Start fighting.
She does.

Jonah:  Whoa, eat your heart out, Brienne of Tarth.

Some long haired guy tells a vampire. “This party sucks, man.”

Buffy:  Oz, is that you?

Bennie: Why do you like these people? They’re sheep.
Pike: And you’re an independent thinker? Try getting a suntan.
Bennie: Forget them. We can start a band.
Jonah: We’ll call ourselves “Scream!”

Amilyn: I’ll get you Buffy, and your little dog, too
Crow:  No more Wizard of Oz riffs, guys. That's our thing.

Amilyn:  We’re Immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Movie Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.
Buffy: THAT’S more like it.

Lothos plays his violin

Jonah:  That looks more like musical handcuffs.

Amilyn’s staked and really drags out his death scene.

Servo:  Sheesh, Yongary had a shorter death scene than this.

Buffy:  Yeah, why is he padding his part? It’s not as if he’ll never work again after this movie
Crow:  Well, at the time…

Buffy:   I KNOW. Pee Wee proved them wrong, and we still miss you, pal. (Sigh) To think, David Bowie could have made a cameo, thinking it was "The Hunger II". I'm not kidding.

Lothos is about to bite Buffy: I am life beyond death, and you are just like all the other girls

Movie Buffy:  Maybe I’ll surprise you (shows a cross)

Lothos: This is your defense? Puh-leeze Buffy: Sheesh, he's no Dracula, and I slayed him

Lothos: Your puny faith? (as the cross bursts into flames)
Movie Buffy: No, my keen fashion sense. (She sprays him with hair spray, instant flame thrower).

Jonah:  Hey, there is an upside in destroying the ozone layer, but if he’s on fire, shouldn’t the movie be over?

Principal Murray gives detention slips to the dead teens and vampires.

Buffy: I hate to say this, but I miss Principal Snyder. Pity he wound up as demon snake scat

Lothos threatens to kill with a katana

Crow:  This is well-dressed padding. Can we switch to the comic book which was the real script?

Jonah: Yeah, Kill Bill this ain’t.

Buffy: I'll say. I mean, I burned a school gym down once, but it was filled with vampires AND asbestos.
Servo: Couldn't you have washed it with holy water and a super soaker?
Buffy: Well, I do that now. Live, learn and slay.

But Buffy saves the day, and wakes up Pike

Jonah: Usually it’s the man who wakes the girl while someone else says, “He tampered in God’s domain.”

Servo:  Please, I’m still trying to forget that movie.

The couple roar away in a motorcycle, and we see “Candy Clark as Buffy’s Mom”
Buffy:  My mother’s name was Joyce, you lazy movie.

Jonah:  Uh, that Buffy isn’t you, remember?

Buffy:  Oh, yeah. Still…
Then we have the witnesses....

Jeffrey: They had this look in their eyes. Totally cold. Animal. I think they were young Republicans. Servo: And one of them got turned into a Newt. Or was it a Gingrich? Oh, wait, that was Stephen Miller

Jeffrey talks about what happened while his other date weeps and walks off
Crow:  Next on The Bachelor.

One more shot of Amilyn dying.

Buffy: All right, no sense padding the end of the movie! Besides, you'll show up on What We Do In The Shadows. Heh-heh....uuugggghhhhh!

Jonah, the bots, Willow and Xander are there to hug Buffy as the final credits roll.

Buffy:  Movie bad, movie go away, hate movie!
Watch TV show! THAT’s the real thing.

Xander:  and the comic books, too.

Willow:  Yeah! Which ones? The new audio book, too? Buffy: Well, now that Marvel has made multi-verses popular, any of them Servo: Even the one where you're older? Xander: Well, that's...dystopian Slaying? Not sure. Buffy: Well, I...am getting a text?

She reads: “About that dance scene, of course that happened to me in college. I’m glad you remembered, but you should have been meaner towards that movie. I really didn’t like that fake me. Love you, mom.”
Jonah asks, “Are you sure that’s your mom from…..beyond?”
“Haunted iPhones are required equipment for Slayers. It could be from her”, she says.
“Have you tried to send texts to the afterlife?” Crow asks.
“Well,” Buffy says, “that isn’t recommended. Otherwise, I’d ask what St. Peter thinks of The Good Place.”

At the end, Buffy and Kinga smirk at each other, each thinking they won...which they did.
"OK, we'll call it a draw," Kinga says. Jonah puts it into perspective. “Exactly, you two,” he says. “This was an idea that was long overdue. Just shake hands.”
They do, and Buffy does think of giving Kinga too much of a tight handshake, but Kinga pulls her hand away. "You would have squeezed real hard." she explains, "I'd do it, if I could." "But not today," Buffy says.
They do shake hands, and agree to figure out some way to get this episode on DVD. Buffy and her fellow Scoobies go to the Gizmonic gift shop.
Kinga then shifts to "boss" mode and orders Jonah to replace a sewer pipe in Deepest 13, which apparently cracked during the movie. While he heads there, the bots read letters, and Kinga reads one, too, just to show she can.
Jonah reaches Deepest 13. Actually the Mole People are glad to see him. They admit they cracked the pipe because they don't like Kinga's rumors about them. They also wish the wi-fi down there was better. Jonah says he'll take care of it, but someone has to get the new pipe. Kinga and Max look on while she says, “Well, don’t expect us to bring it to you.”
Someone behind them disagrees (guess who), along with several fake ninjas.
Kinga scowls, and says, “Oh, push the button, Frank.”
"Oh, I'm Frank now?," "Max" asks, as the picture goes black
Remember, this is fan fiction. This will become real when Hell freezes over, gets flooded and is overrun by My Little Ponies, but we can always hope.
So, what do you think, sirs?
Riffs c David Mello 2017, 2018, 2019, 2022, 2023, 2024