In the not too distant future...maybe sometime before Christmas...
Kinga and Max want to get revenge on Jonah for locking them into that other theater he made for them after the Gauntlet, so they'd know what it's like to riff bad movies.
Sure, they were able to get out after an hour thanks to the Boneheads' safe-cracker skills, but were also surprised what movies were riffed. Then, they willingly saw all those movies while the tour was going on.
Sure, Max was a good riffer and Kinga learned she could do it, too.
Still, they're crazy movie tormentors, and they just had to strike back...especially her.
"Time for a little payback, Jonah," Kinga announces from Moon 13 to Jonah, Crow and Servo at the Satellite of Love one day in December. "Behold the CHRISTMAS GAUNTLET!!! Six examples of cinematic horror for the holidays, and there is no..."
"Wait," Jonah says, "we only have three Christmas movies in MST's history, four if you count 'Jack Frost'"
"Well, I don't," Kinga grunted. "It's a dumb winter Cinderella story."
Hands on hips, with hair bones sharper than her mind, she wonders how she can have a gauntlet with three movies.
Then Synthia shows up. "You know," she tells Kinga, "we could steal from the library of our arch enemies."
"Don't say the R word, I keep telling you that," Kinga yells. "I hate those guys over there, Nelson, his fat friends and chirpy wife, Granny Pearl working over there, too. OK, look over what they have, and give me a list. We've done that the past two years, so what's the difference?"
"Will do."
"I'll deck your halls with nightmare-filled boughs of horror, Heston. You'll pray for death via Yule Log!" You'll beg for Hallmark Channel movies! YOU'LL KNOW DEEP HOLIDAY HURTING!!!", as Kinga leaves laughing maniacally.
"Yes, Heston," Synthia says, "you'll suffer. Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...OK, she's gone."
Jonah is puzzled, "Synthia, whose side are you on?"
"My side, of course. I am Pearl 2.0, when I want to be."
"What are you saying?", Servo asks.
"Well, we'll give Kinga her Gauntlet, but you can help out. You know plenty about MST's history, and I know a lot about Rifftrax. We can come up with a list that'll please Evil Pebbles over there, but don't let on. We are still tour buddies, after all."
"Thanks, tour buddy," Crow says.
"OK," Synthia says, "but let's make sure it seems evil"
"That may not be a problem," Jonah says. "I think Rifftrax has holiday movies about as creepy as the ones we've seen."
With that, Kinga got two Gauntlets, the one she gave Jonah, Crow and Servo, and the second one after the first one didn't cause enough harm.
1. Santa Claus (MST Version)
This was the first exposure for most to a Mexican movie that features Santa, who doesn't play a big part in the holiday season down there. Still, it's an odd look on how he prepares for Christmas Eve with kids instead of elves, and his showdown with Pitch, a devil that's a bit too greasy. Santa hopes to bring a doll to a poor little girl, and teach the parents of a rich boy that Christmas should include their son. The host segments include a nice holiday song, the famous JOIKE sweater and a family reunion that doesn't work out
2. Rifftrax Christmas Shorts-stravaganza
This holiday treat from 2009 was the first big theater event that led to its ten-year run of riffing movies nationwide. It includes some strange holiday shorts, including Christmas from the point of view of the tree, and a pre-Rankin/Bass version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This includes Kevin's famous flub that derailed the riff and made it better.
3. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, Rifftrax (Thumbelina version)
If there's a holiday version of Manos, this is it. We see elves singing while making toys, blissfully unaware Santa's stranded on a hot Florida beach because his reindeer flew away. It's hard to say which is more absurd: his song about his plight, or what the kids try to do to get him off the ground.
Then he stops to tell the story of Thumbelina, as dramatized at a long-forgotten amusement park called Pirates World. This was made by Barry Mahon, who also made some racy movies along with "Rocket Attack USA" (riffed on MST in 1990).
After the story, Santa gets rescued by the not-at-all known Ice Cream Bunny, complete with fire engine. Part of its route is, of course, Pirates World. Santa's Christmas is saved, which may explain why his sleigh disappears at the end. By this time, so has the audience.
4. Christmas That Almost Wasn't (MST3K, 2017)
Of course, the current series should be represented. It's about Santa facing homelessness because he can't pay the rent, and his landlord, Mr. Prune, is meaner than Scrooge. Santa actually has to get a job being, well, himself at a department store, but Prune rigs it so Santa will be without a home. A bunch of kids save the day by stealing the ending of another holiday movie.
The host segments include Kinga being about as un-cheery as you can get. Santa does show up (although he looks suspiciously like Joel Hodgson).
5. Santa's Village of Madness (Rifftrax, 2014)
This trio of shorts features a bunch of animal mascots who supposedly live with Santa on the North Pole. They were actually part of K. Gordon Murray's kid's movies back in the 1960's. There's a slight connection with the Santa Claus movie Murray imported to the USA.
What's interesting about the shorts is that they have the exact same opening credits. Only the titles are different, if not the plots. They were actually made at Santa's Village parks in the Midwest and Califonia. The third short is maybe the strangest, because the "writers" decided at the last minute to threaten Santa with an ogre that's off-camera. Its defeat is also off-camera but the closing song would have also defeated the ogre because it is THAT painful to hear.
6. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (MST3K)
The one, the only, the original. As Santa preps for his Christmas ride, some people from Mars want to kidnap him because apparently Christmas cheer is needed there, too, Two kids from Earth get involved, of course, along with a goofy comedy relief named Droppo.
However, it's the host segments that make it a classic, including "Patrick Swayze Christmas"and Joel and the Bots reading essays about Christmas and Gypsy getting the true meaning without a word.
After this Gauntlet dented but didn't defeat Jonah and the Bots, Kinga is about to give them Hallmark Channel movies. However, she's interrupted by a big hulking guy in chains.
"Oh, no, Marley's Ghost has come to....wait, I don't know anyone named Marley," she says. "Donna, is this one of yours?"
"Sorry," Dr. Donna St. Phibes says. "He's Murray from 'The Brain That Wouldn't Die.' You know, the guy Dr. Cortner was building in his transplant experiments."
"Yes, I remember," Kinga says, "I notice his face is still tied to the back."
"Well, I think he wanted to scare you after seeing the Christmas Carol movie with Alistair Sim."
"Murray also sorry," Murray says (yeah, he can talk now after more than 50 years). "Murray wonders what Kinga got against those guys."
"Hey, it's what I do. Take him away, Donna," Kinga says. "He's the man in your life, not who I suspect you want."
"Oh, what do you mean?", Donna says, obviously being cagey. She leaves, but Kinga seems to hear something from Murray that hints he may be playing dumb, too.
"Well, it seems you're familiar with these movies," Kinga says to Jonah. "So here's another Gauntlet for you guys. I can guarantee you a couple of these selections will give you slightly deep hurting. Some of the others are alternate versions of what you just saw."
The second gauntlet begins with...
1. Santa Claus (Rifftrax Live version)
Kinga thinks Jonah and the bots get an extra jab by showing them the uncut movie, which includes more of Lupita's dream where some Raggedy Anitas try to tempt her into stealing a doll, and a lot of padding that's mainly Merlin trying to walk across the room.
It's preceded by one of those "At Your Fingertips" shorts, where this time kids are advises to mold sugar into many shapes. Basic Diabetes bombs.
2. Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas (Rifftrax)
Kinga wasn't eager to give the guys this selection, but she hopes the shorts will do some damage. Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl celebrate the holidays in their own special way with holiday images. The first one features a Castle Films version of "Scrooge"with Alistair Sim, Dean Martin singing, and "The Little Lamb" and how it gave Jesus his first gift.
The second version has a short about carving turkey that includes Harvey Korman plus some commercials and home movies given to them from a prop maker named Beez
3. I Believe In Santa Claus (Rifftrax)
When Kinga discovered this 1984 film from France (thanks to Synthia's "help"), she was certain it would be worse than Christmas That Almost Wasn't. She's right, because it's about a young boy who wants his parents to be with him at Christmas. One problem: they've been kidnapped by African terrorists, and the government isn't eager to get them back.
Thanks to the fool-proof method of wishing really hard, the boy along with a young girl wind up in Finland to ask Santa to save them. He also gets a Christmas fairy named Mary Ellen to help him, and she looks suspiciously like the boy's teacher. Santa and Mary Ellen transport themselves to Africa, and they look totally ridiculous in the desert.
Since this is a holiday movie, of course the boy and his family are reunited.
4. Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey (Rifftrax)
So how did Rifftrax get this holiday special that Kinga is certain she saw when she was young?
Well, it's kind of a variation of the Rudolph story, except it stars a donkey who had very long ears but they come in handy when it helps Mary and Joseph get to Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus. The song was co-written by Gene Autry a couple of years before (same guy who sung "Rudolph"). It aired on ABC back in the '70s and '80s but clips of it can be found in YouTube. You can find it on DVD.
The reason why it may not be seen on TV is because it's kind of dark in the first half, since Nestor is mainly on his own in his journey.
5. Rifftrax Christmas Circus
This was an easy choice for Kinga, after taking one look at Whizzo, the star of the holiday special. It's a filmed version of the TV show he had in the 60's in Kansas City. Rather than try to describe the movie, which somehow involves a magic carpet and a time machine, here's a review.
It's preceded with a short about the short life of Christmas trees, and they have faces!
6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Cinematic Titanic)
This is where Kinga starts to suspect she's been tricked by Synthia, who suggested this last movie.
Kinga isn't happy to see Mary Jo riffing in this movie, or Trace and Frank either. She wonders if it's really Pearl, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank under assumed names. She's also puzzled seeing Dr. Erhardt there, too.
Still, she sends this movie to Jonah, figuring showing him this movie twice, but with different riffs, could throw him off. It doesn't.
When both gauntlets are done, Kinga fumes at Synthia.
"I should have known you would turn against me, Synthia," she says.
"Hey, I'm a clone of Pearl," she says," What did you expect?"
"Working with Jonah, too? C'mon"
"Well, these gauntlets don't really work because fans did these things when we weren't around.
Face it, Kinga, you can keep this experiment going, Netflix willing, but it won't be like the old days."
"Yeah, Synth?", Kinga says, "Tell that to some of the viewers from the old days. I am glad the newbies like us fine."
"Just hope Netflix will still want us, if not Daredevil."
"Well, better Netflix than....that third-rate David Blaine who made a fool of me"
"I know. Merry Christmas."
Kinga calls Jonah, scowls at him for a minute and yells, "BAH HUMBUG!"
"Hey, I apologize for surviving the gauntlets."
"You should! Stay away from Donna, too. She's bad news...for someone.....and....well, I should still say this, Merry Christmas, guys."
"Thank you," Jonah says."Merry Christmas to you too."
"Just remember, you're not getting a happy new year from me. After all, there's always movie sign...
I hope"
After that, she pushed the button.
