If Kinga Forrester is still scowling at Moon 13 waiting for Netflix to call, she'd also scowl at Rifftrax, the arch-enemy to her plans to make Mystery Science Theater 3000 bigger than the Avengers.
Still, she realizes she has standards. While she may be upset she didn't get Octaman when she had the chance, she would have gotten a 39 1/2 foot pole to make sure she got nowhere near one of RT's latest presentations, Blood Theater.
This was the first feature for Rick Sloane, who was behind the making of Hobgoblins more than 30 years ago (the movie was part of season nine of MST3K). Here, he did everything except make the popcorn in this slasher movie.
It involves a theater where people get killed including the staff. As the movie starts, some guy kills everyone while trying to film a performance of someone trying to be Yoko Ono or a "human Theremin". Apparently death is a habit here, because it's happened several times.
Many years later, a chain called Spotlite takes the place over. It's run by a human mannequin named Murdoch and Miss Maxwell, who looks like she's destined to be married with children. She's played by Mary Woronov, who had better luck battling Ramones.
Many years later, a chain called Spotlite takes the place over. It's run by a human mannequin named Murdoch and Miss Maxwell, who looks like she's destined to be married with children. She's played by Mary Woronov, who had better luck battling Ramones.
The staff seem to be high school students, but their age rivals the actors in the Teen Agers movies. One of the girls, Jennifer, is a cheerleader, while two work on the concession stand and whine about it a lot.
From there, the staff try to get the place open, but strange things happen. Occasionally, some old man pops out of nowhere and stabs people, usually oblivious teens. Late in the film, one guy dies in the most unconvincing electrocution ever, while another gets beheaded.
There is one death scene that is actually a dream Jen has. Pity, because she would have had the most interesting scene in the whole film.
What about Murdoch and Miss Maxwell? They do next to nothing about it. He's upset the motel next to their main theater ("The Norm Macdonald Memorial Sheraton") is closed because of the hookers. He also decides to go to a convention, but winds up getting mugged for the bootleg movies he's got.
Eventually, it's revealed the former theater owner killed everyone because....well, it doesn't matter.
At least it ends with a one-second scene where two cops show up to "investigate."
There's some really random scenes that are dead ends even before they start. They include Murdoch in a film telling people to get some popcorn (clearly the ultimate in horror), and a typewriter that tells one of the staff members he can own the theater. Of course, that guy gets killed ten minutes later.
There is a brief shot of bare breasts just after a girl is being advised by an angel and a devil. Really. Apparently it's all because of stealing stale popcorn.
The only reason this movie exists is to tell people who saw Hobgoblins that it could have been worse.
That's not helpful.
Let's get to the riffs:
Jen, Malcolm and Adrian enter the evil theater
The theater's been closed for two weeks but people are still waiting for Avengers: Endgame to end.
Jen combs her hair in a room
I'll never turn into Tonya Harding at this rate
A trailer for "Clown Whores of Hollywood"
Wait, this isn't a Madonna video?
Just before someone gets killed , an 8-bit version of Venus starts.
This is the first time I ever missed Bananarama.
There's also riffs on a Jerry Lewis movie no one can see, Golden Corral (of course), Jacksonville, FL, Catholics and Sherlock Gnomes.
This movie is available on the Rifftrax website, along with a reminder of the next live show, Star Raiders with Casper Van Dien. This was a Kickstarter project, but it will look like The Last Jedi compared to Blood Theater.
