Rifftrax Live: Return of Swamp Thing, or Beauty and the Bush

 

Every once in a while in the olden days of MST3K, someone would say "Do not bring your evil here". That's a catch phrase from the TV version of DC's Swamp Thing. You know, a scientist who becomes one with the swamp because of a terrible lab accident.

Well, Rifftrax took on the sequel, Return of Swamp Thing. This movie didn't bring its evil, a script that made sense or even dignity.
Only Rifftrax would raise enough money to show this to 700 theaters this past August, and it's twice the amount the movie earned. 

The plot is that Swamp Thing battles his archrival, Dr. Arcane, who's played by former leading man (mon dieu!) Louis Jordan. This guy wants to live forever, even if he has to kill his ditzy stepdaughter Abby, played by Heather Locklear. She just wants answers to why her mom died (and if he did it), while he wants her blood for eternal life or something. Close family, this ain't.
There's a possibility 92 percent of the budget was paying for these two actors. The rest of the movie and its look suggest that.
One problem:  Arcane died in the first movie, but the sequel doesn't show how he was resurrected. At the very least, he should have been a suave zombie in a tux.

Anyway, the swamp is filled by bizarre creatures, along with the genetic freaks Arcane makes by splicing their genes and/or body parts. Yes, we mean the creatures are dumb hillbillies. 
The movie also throws in two kids who hope to avoid the monsters, and maybe take a picture of Swamp Thing for cash.

Sarah Douglas is Arcane's assistant, and clearly wishes she was back in the Phantom Zone since he's not really into her. Dope.
There's also a scene between two goons, Gunn and Poinsettia, where they compare wounds. This is strange because Lethal Weapon 3 has a similar scene, and I hope that didn't come from this movie. 

The main story, of course, is Abby falling for Swamp Thing because she's a vegetarian...and often talked to plants back in L-A. There is a tender (and fake) love scene between Swamp Thing and Abby, but their affection would freak out Man-Thing.

Of course, Arcane is defeated, but in an anti-climactic way. It involves killing another victim that wound up looking like an alien too weird to be in a sci-fi movie. As for Abby, she is at one with nature, just like her green and swampy hero. That's actually in the comics, too. 

Before that, the crew presented a really creepy short called Danny's Dental Date. It starts with puppet Danny hearing he's got a dental appointment. He runs away, then meets talking animals. They discuss the importance of healthy teeth. It's as creepy as it sounds.
Then it turns out it was all a dream. We get a look at dentistry from 60 years ago, when we used mercury in tooth fillings. Yikes! Where's Britt Baker, DMD when you need her?
Maybe this movie was to prepare fans for the really bad trauma that is the main feature. It also showed Kevin's phobia towards puppets he doesn't know. 

There was also a short tribute to Rifftrax's 16th anniversary that included some MST3K alumni, movie producers who are somehow not that upset their movies were reamed by Rifftrax, and Weird Al Yankovic (who is still the head of the National Pork Council). 

The riffs were pretty good, and really jabbed the movie. It even gave callbacks on Manos and The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. It did miss one opportunity: when Swamp Thing jammed a hand grenade into the pants of a henchman, I wondered why the gang didn't yell "DANTON" since it's a callback to Deadly Prey.

Then there were these:

Opening credits
Is this Stan Lee's yearbook?

Swamp Thing arrives
Zindy the Swamp Boy got all swole

A fat kid runs to his friends house to see dirty magazines...that also have nude women
Ned Beatty really disappeared into this role

Abby wants to mate with Swamp Thing because "I'm a vegetarian"
Do I have to spell it out? I'm gay

But love conquers way too much
This was the last time a woman mated with a plant until Pete Davison started dating Kim Kardashian.

There were also riffs on Gigi (of course), Little Shop of Horrors, Scrubbing Bubbles, the band 311, and the internet.

When this show is available to everyone around Thanksgiving, fans should get it quickly. This was one of the most brutal takedowns of any cheesy movie in years. In the meantime, the website has some great titles including Mary Jo and Bridget's version of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (I'll discuss this soon) and Split Second with Kim Cattrall in a climate change dystopia...in London!
Oh, and the stuff people got from the Kickstarter should come soon, and that includes MST3K, too. 

The Farce Was Strong With This One: Rifftrax Sinks Rise of Skywalker

This says it all:

C3P-O:  Will this agony ever end?
Mike Nelson:  My review of every Star Wars.

And this comes from a guy who dealt with the Twilight Saga.

This doesn't mean Rifftrax is also the Rian Johnson Fan Club, but the gang really did a number on the final Star Wars movie, Rise of Skywalker. They mocked the story, the characters, the props, everything.
While there have been complaints, and some praising the movie, it's safe to say Mike, Bill and Kevin came up with some real zingers. Be very afraid, Avengers: Endgame

The story is about the attempt to make the First Order the master race of the universe thanks to a cloned Palpatine. Of course, Rey has to be connected, and she is. We find out her real last name, and so does she in a duel with Kylo Ren. There's a bunch of other things that people complained about, like seeing two characters we thought were gone (but forgetting it didn't stop another character around 40 years ago).

This blog will concentrate on what kind of riffs these bitter, bitter men made through the 135 or so minutes of the movie. Again, it's amazing they were that rough. It's as if they were convinced Stephanie Meyer and JJ Abrams were to blame.
Then again, they did throw in a couple of Twilight jokes.
If there's one complaint, it's pointing out Carrie Fisher was in this movie after she died (thanks to CGI, but Catching Fire 2 did the same thing) way too many times, starting with this:

"The dead speak!", from the opening crawl
So I guess Carrie Fisher is in this, too.

Then there were these...

Rey trains as a Jedi, even on a tightrope
The sequel to Man on Wire looks a bit desperate

They get to the Acky Acky Festival
Oh, crap, it's Burning Man

Rey heals an injured sand worm
I have an HMO. Is this off-network?

Then she's alone in the desert.
This is turning into a Calvin Klein perfume ad.

Then she discovers she can release lightning from her fingers in that duel with Kylo Ren
Damn static buildup

Rey corners Zorii Bliss with her Lightsaber
You have the right to resemble the Rocketeer.

Kylo to Rey:  "Your parents were no one"
Chris Lemmon and Frank Stallone? (This makes no sense. Mom should be Sean Young)

Then he holds out his hand to her:
I know those gloves. You framed OJ Simpson

Leia with her dying breath: Ben
Kylo: Hannah? You want me to go back to Brooklyn?

Palpatine:  I am all the Sith
Rey:  and I...
Let the dogs out.

There's also riffs on the NFL, Manchester United, The Masked Singer, Benny Hill, Game of Thrones, Gwar, Death Cab For Cutie and Teri Hatcher.
It also has the best "mike drop" line since The Dark Knight.

Fans can riff every Star Wars movie by getting the mp3's at Rifftrax's website.

Rifftrax's Video Arcade Theater Returns With Street Fighter

When Rifftrax had its annual Kickstarter campaign, it offered an mp3 riff for the 1994 video game movie Street Fighter. This was remembered as a really bad action movie. People would have preferred the original Street Fighter 2 game footage.
The riff is now available to everyone, and it's a worthy successor to the other lousy video game movie, "Super" Mario Brothers. 

Jean Claude Van Damme is the star as Colonel Guile, who battles your basic video game madman named M. Bison, played by Raul Julia. He wants 20 billion in three days or he'll destroy the world and rebuild it as Bisonopolis (which sounds like a ballpark Buffalo wisely never made). He even has a new currency system which will go into effect if the Queen gets kidnapped. 
The characters in the game have new roles to fit the movie. Chun-Li is a news reporter and part-time ninja (really), Honda and Balrog work with her. Ken and Ryu are con artists who have some fighting skills (Ryu mostly) and Dhalsim is a scientist instead of a yoga master.
As for Blanka, the big green mutant who's supposed to be Guile's adversary, the movie makes him more like "Carrot Top as Bruce Banner".
It was Julia's last movie before he died of a stroke, but it was also an attempt to make Kylie Minogue a movie star. Also, fans of Agents of SHIELD should look closely at Chun-Li, and realize they're looking at a mission Melinda May would rather not talk about (I was really surprised Ming-Na Wen was in this movie).

The Rifftrax crew spent a lot of the movie not being pleased about it, as usual. While they did talk about how this was Julia's last movie, and how all-American Van Damme was not (but not talking about how his drug habit affected production), they just wondered how over-blown and confusing the whole thing was. The movie still made a good chunk of cash, and it'll be interesting if anyone will suggest a 25th anniversary release later this year.

One thing, though: as Guile was battling Bison, how come the guys never said, "You may be a good fighter, Guile, but you still lost to a nerd from Seattle." Gee, that was a fat pitch they never got.

So, time for riffs:

M. Bison is walking around, threatening everyone
My father was M. Bison. Please call me Murray

Guile "interrupts" a fight by driving his Super Jeep into the ring
The Kool-Aid man got his driver's license

Guile tells Ryu and Ken to work for him. "The only way you two are leaving is over my dead body"
Good thing that wasn't Raul's line

Guile is "shot"
He died as he lived, unconvincingly.

Of course, he's OK, and has his big speech:
"Now who wants to go home, and who wants to go with me?"
Some fine war-mongering, self. now let's get some men killed.

Bison tries to get sexy with Chun-Li, gets almost clobbered by her
This is that Antarctic kung fu that she studied.

Bison floats around in a round desk
This is totally how Elon Musk sees himself, by the way

There's also riffs on Shane (which may divide movie fans), Kiss of the Spider Woman, Ed Sheeran, Virtual Boy games, Woodstock 99, Cynthia Rothrock and QBert.

Street Fighter is available at all the video streaming sites, while the riff is now at the Rifftrax site.

Rifftrax Finds A Movie That Makes Tommy Wiseau Almost Orson Welles Jr.

If Kinga Forrester is still scowling at Moon 13 waiting for Netflix to call, she'd also scowl at Rifftrax, the arch-enemy to her plans to make Mystery Science Theater 3000 bigger than the Avengers.

Still, she realizes she has standards. While she may be upset she didn't get Octaman when she had the chance, she would have gotten a 39 1/2 foot pole to make sure she got nowhere near one of RT's latest presentations, Blood Theater.

This was the first feature for Rick Sloane, who was behind the making of Hobgoblins more than 30 years ago (the movie was part of season nine of MST3K). Here, he did everything except make the popcorn in this slasher movie.

It involves a theater where people get killed including the staff. As the movie starts, some guy kills everyone while trying to film a performance of someone trying to be Yoko Ono or a "human Theremin". Apparently death is a habit here, because it's happened several times.

Many years later, a chain called Spotlite takes the place over. It's run by a human mannequin named Murdoch and Miss Maxwell, who looks like she's destined to be married with children. She's played by Mary Woronov, who had better luck battling Ramones.

The staff seem to be high school students, but their age rivals the actors in the Teen Agers movies. One of the girls, Jennifer, is a cheerleader, while two work on the concession stand and whine about it a lot. 

From there, the staff try to get the place open, but strange things happen. Occasionally, some old man pops out of nowhere and stabs people, usually oblivious teens. Late in the film, one guy dies in the most unconvincing electrocution ever, while another gets beheaded. 

There is one death scene that is actually a dream Jen has. Pity, because she would have had the most interesting scene in the whole film. 

What about Murdoch and Miss Maxwell? They do next to nothing about it. He's upset the motel next to their main theater ("The Norm Macdonald Memorial Sheraton") is closed because of the hookers. He also decides to go to a convention, but winds up getting mugged for the bootleg movies he's got.

Eventually, it's revealed the former theater owner killed everyone because....well, it doesn't matter.

At least it ends with a one-second scene where two cops show up to "investigate."

There's some really random scenes that are dead ends even before they start. They include Murdoch in a film telling people to get some popcorn (clearly the ultimate in horror), and a typewriter that tells one of the staff members he can own the theater. Of course, that guy gets killed ten minutes later.

There is a brief shot of bare breasts just after a girl is being advised by an angel and a devil. Really. Apparently it's all because of stealing stale popcorn.

The only reason this movie exists is to tell people who saw Hobgoblins that it could have been worse.
That's not helpful.

Let's get to the riffs:

Jen, Malcolm and Adrian enter the evil theater
The theater's been closed for two weeks but people are still waiting for Avengers: Endgame to end.

Jen combs her hair in a room
I'll never turn into Tonya Harding at this rate

A trailer for "Clown Whores of Hollywood"
Wait, this isn't a Madonna video?

Just before someone gets killed , an 8-bit version of Venus starts.
This is the first time I ever missed Bananarama.

There's also riffs on a Jerry Lewis movie no one can see, Golden Corral (of course), Jacksonville, FL, Catholics and Sherlock Gnomes.

This movie is available on the Rifftrax website, along with a reminder of the next live show, Star Raiders with Casper Van Dien. This was a Kickstarter project, but it will look like The Last Jedi compared to Blood Theater.

Rifftrax Summer Starts With Space Mutiny, Take Two

Along with Flag Day, the start of the World Cup and the arrival of Incredibles 2, Rifftrax had to compete with a lot to start its live season with a second look at an MST3K season eight classic, Space Mutiny. It's known for cheesy sets, recycled footage from Battlestar Galactica and a hunky guy with way too many nicknames.

The plot features a crew in a spaceship heading somewhere after traveling for hundreds of years. Some guy who looks like the lead singer from Human League plots to take over the ship. There's a cheesy disco scene, a "sex" scene and lots of people falling over handrails. There's also modern dancers with glowing balls that seem to guide the crew to goodness...or pervy thoughts.

The live version, which was shown from Nashville, wasn't as brutal as the MST3K version, but still pretty good. They took out a lot of jokes that point out how Cameron Mitchell looks like Santa, plus some '90s references like Ed Grimley and Armand Assante. It still emphasizes Lea, the female lead, looks much older and less sexy that she thinks. Of course, the joke's on us: Reb Brown (Dave Ryder/Big McLargehuge/Bob Johnson) wound up marrying Cisse Cameron (Lea)
Also, John Philip Law, who was the swanky thief Diabolik in MST's final episode, wound up as Kalgan, who laughs too much and swallows the scenery whole.

Of course, there's Lieutenant Lemont, who's compared to Melissa Manchester in the MST3K version, and Jeff Lynde and Bob Ross in the Rifftrax version. She's best known for getting killed by Kalgan in one scene, then alive in the next scene. Also, some parts of the ship included brick walls.

The show's big feature is seeing Kevin Murphy in a space mumu, similar to the one worn by Cameron Mitchell. He looks like the leader of a world filled with movie critics.

Lately, Rifftrax has taken second looks at a lot of movies, like Gamera a few weeks ago, and Joe Don Baker's Final Justice a couple of years ago. Again, the crew revised the riffs to fit modern times, but they're not quite as biting as the original.
So, let's compare..

First appearance of Battlestar Galactica footage
RT: Giant Owl Robot eyes, how's it going?
MST:  Outlets in space (and yes, they admitted they missed the fact it was BG footage the first time)

The Valerians "dance"

RT:  We summon you, St. Bonnie Tyler
MST:  It's a Wiccan Tupperware party

Lea "dances" with a hula hoop

RT: (Mike) When I do this, I get tossed out of the public library
MST:  In the future, there is no shame (which is a better riff and more prescient)

Lemont dies, then doesn't

MST:  I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance
RT:  I enjoyed your funeral, Janet

Then the ending where Kalgan doesn't die after all, thinking this will require a sequel

MST:  We don't need more Kalgan
RT:  What the Hell did I just watch?

Naturally, there was a bunch of new nicknames for Ryder, including Luke Rockhold. Dumb, isn't it?

They also got around Lea baring her breasts after she and Ryder make love by blocking it with a CGI Gorilla Gram...which looked more like a Gorilla Pig. Actually, if they cut the "conversation" Lea had with Ryder, we wouldn't have missed anything.

There's also riffs on Rutherford B. Hayes, Beastie Boys, Two Broke Girls and the Fantastic Four.

Before the movie, they had a short based on the HG Wells story, "The Magic Shop". It involved a magician who's slightly flashier than Jack Cassidy and a chubby kid who was easily amused. The crew commented on a poster of Thurston being a mashup of Dracula and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The live version will be available sometime in the fall as a digital download or DVD, while the original is available at Rifftrax.
The next live show comes in August with"Krull", a cheesy movie that at least features Liam Neeson in "you gotta start somewhere" mode.

By the way, Amazon Prime has added new titles from Rifftrax including Merlin The Return, Terror at Tenkiller (a slasher film that's more lifeless than the victims), Superargo and the Faceless Giants and City of the Dead with Christopher Lee.

Rifftrax Goes Rogue With Latest Star Wars Riff

Over the years, Rifftrax has taken on the most popular...and reviled...movie franchises around.
It may respect (sort of) Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, but also has some darts for Twilight and Transformers...and Wings Hauser.

The Star Wars saga gets some respect, but not so much the prequels. It would be inevitable that Rogue One would be next on Rifftrax's list. Even fans wondered if the franchise could have a movie that doesn't have a Jedi or even R2-D2 at the center of things, but you could still throw in Darth Vader. Some also thought it was annoying another girl gets to be the hero.
The movie did do well with the story of Jyn Erso, Cassian Andor and K-2S0 hoping to stop the creation of the Death Star. Having Tarkin and the young Princess Leia recreated by CGI didn't hurt,either (even though one was better than the other).

The Rifftrax trio of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett came up with a good mix of riffs poking fun at the franchise and movies in general. Who would have expected them to throw in a riff on John Ford and two on a classic campus comedy? They also made a lot of interesting comments on the new droid, K-2S0.

Here are some other examples:

The movie doesn't start like all the others
Where's the music and the massive wall of text? I TRUSTED YOU!

Galen:  You're confusing peace with terror
Krennic:  You've got to start somewhere
Honest tag line for The Phantom Menace

K-2S0:  Why does she have a blaster and I don't?
Asimov's fourth law of robotics:  Tattle like a bitchy kid brother

Saw:  Did you come to kill me?
That's why I say to scare Girl Scouts off my front porch

Darth Vader talks to Krennic
This better be good. Draining that goo tube ain't cheap.

There's also riffs on Princess Bride (guess why), Avatar, Fraggle Rock, Frankie Avalon, Enya, Garden State, and The Terminator.

The riff is available at the Rifftrax website

Kung-FOOEY! Rifftrax Opens Year With Samurai Cop

If Rifftrax and Mystery Science Theater 3000 has taught us anything, it's that the world's supply of bad movies is more eternal than oil, natural gas or reality shows.

A prime example is Samurai Cop, where a San Diego cop who's an alleged samurai but is more like a Disneyland version of Tarzan battles an evil Japanese gang. He even makes time with a restaurant owner, and is pleased his hair's better than hers.

It's also the first live show for Rifftrax's new season. The riffs are almost exactly like the VOD version, but they edited it twice and actually made it a bit more bearable.
A murder scene that accidentally included a bare breast was taken out, along with a scene where Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar) tried to force a female cop to tell him where Samurai Cop lived. His method? Boiling oil from a frying pan.
These were wise moves because the original version has more sex and maybe a rape scene.  If only they edited out Matt Hatton, who is just terrible as the samurai cop.
But then that's the point.

As a live show, though, it was great, especially for those who never saw the VOD version. I did a couple of days before, and could tell where they changed the riffs. What really made the show enjoyable was the ending theme song that Kevin Murphy made. Fans should stay through the credits for that, and the massive number of people who wore their MST3K revival shirts. Some guy even brought his Tom Servo with the cop's hair.

OK, here's the riffs

Yamashita beheads a possible witness by sneaking into the hospital (and wait'll you see how)

Original:  OK, that guy's head was the first item in our scavenger hunt
Live:  Just get a rear view window, please

"What's an all-American girl like you doing with a geek like this?"
Original:  So racist
Live:  Head-cutting Yakusa bosses, geeks.

Here's a riff I missed the first time:
"I can read eyes"
but that's the only letter I know.

They also added riffs on New Kids on the Block, Road House, and United Airlines.

There was a  short before the main movie called Manners in School. It's about an Our Gang character who is upset with having to skip recess to clean the blackboards. He draws a stick-figure guy, who winds up setting the kid straight even at the threat of being erased.

By the way, they also showed the Netflix MST3K trailer to remind people a new era is coming. Kevin and Bill, though, didn't talk about their return as Bobo and Observer. It would have been great, though.

The next live show will be in June, where they'll look at several cheesy shorts. It will include the Mads along with Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl, and some secret guests. Maybe one of them will be wearing a jump suit.

A New Record For Rifftrax Kickstarter, And The Secret Show IS.....

Well, they almost made it, but George Bailey is still safe.

The annual Kickstarter campaign by Rifftrax collected $430, 620 from more than 8600 backers. That's a new record for both, but some fans were hoping to hit nine thousand backers to get the next Star Wars movie riffed and ten thousand to finally take on It's A Wonderful Life. Considering the holiday movie has been a steady source of riffs from MST3K and Rifftrax over the years, people were really hoping the holiday classic will finally get the treatment. The Last Jedi may wind up being riffed anyway next year if Rogue One is still on the list of possible future riffs, but It's A Wonderful Life will stay a dream target for now.

Still, backers, even those who paid a buck, will get a nice bargain. Everyone will get ten shorts, and riffs on Batman V. Superman (just in time for Wonder Woman), Mothra, and the first episode of Westworld. The BvS riff will involve everyone who has ever riffed, kind of like a 40x4000 meter relay race. Considering how tragically bad this movie is as a missed opportunity (except you, Diana), it could be too much for three people anyway.
Others who gave 75 bucks will get "The Rains of Castamere" from Game of Thrones (now THAT is a challenge to riff) and Final Justice Redux (or the first time a SyFy-era episode of MST3K is re-riffed), while 100 dollar backers will get DVDs of the June live show and the best of the Riffing Housewives, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl.

The only question is what will be the "target" for the August 17th show. Some Facebook fans have unearthed the name thanks to a movie theater and Fandango jumping the gun. In the special countdown show, the gang hinted it could be Ice Castles and La-La-Land (the latter very unlikely).

Actually, the movie will be.....

Remember when this was once considered a major PBS event? The TARDIS upgrade? Tegan's new look after a year in a stewardess uniform? Seeing a new guy be the original Doctor, #2 in color, and some companions we've never even met?

HOW????

Well, somehow Rifftrax used its connections with Fathom Events and BBC America to pull off this miracle after riffing on the two Peter Cushing movies, where the TARDIS looks like the basement of a Hewlett Packard building.
Not here, though. This must have been in the works for some time, because look where they make the big announcement....



For those who don't remember the story, "The Five Doctors" involves someone on Gallifrey grabbing the Doctor in all of his incarnations. They're all guided into something called "The Death Zone", where they figure out the main bad guy wants something very special from there. Thing is, the Master is not behind this for once, because the Time Lord Council asks for his help.

If you clicked the link, you'd know they had to rewrite the plot because Tom Baker, #4, decided not to be part of it. Technically, he is, thanks to use of footage of the famous unfinished episode, "Shada". The story is actually the first time people have seen certain characters from the show. Back in 1983, the Doctor had been a staple of PBS programming for ten years or so. Showing the episodes before Baker became #4 was still a rare treat for some stations. It was the first time for many to see Jamie and Zoe from the late 1960's or Liz Shaw, the Companion before Jo Grant. It was also a rare chance to see #2, Patrick Troughton, in color. That hadn't happened since "The Three Doctors".

When it was shown, this was considered to be a big deal, and was used as a pledge break feature. It's available on DVD, but in an interesting way. The 2008 DVD version has the original cut plus an upgraded version. As for me, I have the "special edition" and the broadcast version back when KTEH in San Jose was Who Central for me. (Update:  After that KTEH DVD no longer worked because of age, I got a newer version of "Five Doctors" which has lots more extras).

Now, it's going to be mocked  by three old fans.
Couldn't they have mocked "The Gunfughters"? Now THAT episode stunk on ice.
Well, it should be interesting to get Peter Davison's response to all this.

All we can do is quote the Doctor's farewell message to Susan in "Dalek Invasion of Earth" that was used to start the show:  "One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all you beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."
If that's the First Doctor's message to what Rifftrax will do this summer, it's a lot better to what he thinks about his next two forms ("a dandy and a clown").

If nothing else, pulling this off proves Rifftrax has more than earned the right to go after sparkly vampires someday.

The Walking Dead Gets Targeted By The Living Riff

While Rifftrax showed a lot of contempt for Marvel hoping to get success on Netflix, it had a lot more fun taking another look at the first episode of The Walking Dead. While kids strangely decided to skip my apartment complex for Halloween (and I had plenty of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups), I decided to see the gang's take on this episode, which aired on Halloween 2010. By the way, I used the app, and it worked beautifully.

Just like when the gang looked at the first episode of Game of Thrones, it's quite a jolt to see how much things have changed. People are still recovering from the arrival of Negan and what he did to Glenn and Abraham, while trying to figure out King Ezekiel and his tiger. When they see the very first episode, it's weird seeing departed characters like Rick's wife Lori, his ex-partner Shane and a really young Carl. The only familiar face was Lennie James as Morgan, who was the first non-Walker Rick meets after he wakes from his coma. Only hardcore fans recognized his son, Duane, who bonked Rick with a shovel.

The plot, of course, is Deputy Sheriff Rick Grimes trying to get a grip on this horrible new world. At one point, he shoots the breeze about women with his partner Shane, who's now The Punisher. Then, they chase down three criminals in a high speed chase, and Rick gets a major gunshot wound. He falls into a coma for months until he wakes and sees things are different.
The Rifftrax group came up with some odd comments about the Apocalypse, and got in some digs about other TV shows and some other unusual choices.

Rick drives to what used to be a service station. Lots of wrecked cars all over the place.
Looks like another monster truck killing spree

Rick and Shane have lunch and shoot the breeze.
Southern Erik Estrada (maybe Shane), I hope you're the first to die.

Rick wakes from his coma. No doctors, no electricity, no people
When your hospital director is a big Silent Hill fan

The zombies try to break though the chained hospital door
Undead Kool-Aid Man can't bust walls like he used to.

Morgan describes what happens when a zombie bites you:  "Bites kill you. The fever burns you out, but then after a while..."
You become head coach of the New England Patriots. 

Morgan boards up the windows at his house
I do the same thing at Girl Scout Cookie time.

Rick sees a picture of his family, unaware they're fine with Shane.
My kid will be such a dorky zombie
My wife will be a hot one, though (which wasn't true).

Rick rides into Atlanta on a horse
You can almost hear Richard Jewell's life being destroyed. 

There's also riffs that go from Carmax, The Brady Bunch and Game of Thrones to John Wilkes Booth, Bauhaus, Bronies and Adam Sandler.

The riff for The Walking Dead is available on the website, along with premiere shows for Game of Thrones, Netflix's Daredevil, Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. It will soon riff on Jurassic World in a few weeks, and feature a special holiday show December first with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and the Shorts Festival from 2009 including Weird Al Yankovic. They'll also mock holiday photos their fans sent them.

Pain Don't Hurt, But This Movie Does: A Look at Rifftrax's Two Road House Riffs

Earlier this month, Rifftrax re-riffed the first movie in its long history, Road House with Patrick Swayze and Ben Gazarra as a bad guy with the most boring evil name ever.

The riff not only had three guys instead of just Mike Nelson, but also it was a complete overhaul compared to the original riff in 2006. This is why I had to see the movie twice to compare both riffs.

The movie is rather ridiculous. A famous bouncer named Dalton goes from town to town straightening out rowdy bars, but then goes to a bar in Jasper, MO where he has to deal with Terry Funk. Then he deals with the local evil rich guy who wants Dalton to leave or else he'll blow up the houses of his friends and kill his doctor girlfriend who apparently has a dress that doubles as a tablecloth. It's a combination of Shane, Animal House, maybe Fists of Fury and No Defeat No Surrender. When you get right down to it, it's a movie where people can see a guy without his shirt and pass it off as character development....and this is years before Matthew McConaughey.

The style of the two riffs is the biggest difference of all. When you hear Mike, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett riff, it's the basic snarkiness that's been part of Rifftrax for years. However, when you hear the original version, it's just Mike delivering his jokes as if he was watching the movie because the Twins game rained out. There's also more use of the famous Disembaudio, who cautions Mike against seeing bare breasts and Swayze's naked butt. There was also a really long "where are they now" monologue during the closing credits, which they don't do anymore.

So, let's get to a few scenes and compare riffs:

First off, Dalton's first appearance

2006:  Feathered hair with a mullet. His hair came out to play
2016:  Behold Sawyze, also called Black Dog, Dancer Dirtiest, ex-President Bodie and
the Horny Ghost.

"You know who that is? Dalton"

2006:  John Dalton, the 19th Century developer of the Atomic Theory?
2016:  Dalton Trumbo?

Gazarra shows up...as Brad Wesley?

2006: You have to irritate an old guy once a day
2016:  When you have a chopper and a Panama hat, you've got every reason to be smug.

The famous "Pain don't hurt" phrase Dalton says to Dr. Clay, played by Kelly Lynch

2006:  Actually by its very definition, it does (what she would say)
2016:  Also, it's French for bread. Wanna make out? (what he would say)

Dalton's tai chi scene

2006:  Clearly he has studies with the great master, Pat Morita
2016:  Relax and be one with the Batusi.

Dalton deals with Wesley's goons who try to cut off the bar's liquor supply

2006:  He's wearing his silk liquor unloading shirt
2016:  He's wearing his fucia fighting blouse.

The original riff had a lot of "Beef, it's what's for dinner" jokes since Sam Elliot was there. The new riff also had riffs on Frozen, Geico, Blossom, Kurt Russell, and Shake Hands With Danger.

You can get both versions of the Road House riff at rifftrax.com. The year should still be pretty active, with riffs on The Walking Dead, Daredevil (the Netflix version) and Jurassic World coming soon. There's also the next live show, taking on Carnival of Souls on October 27th.

Review of Rifftrax's "Ruby": Carrie On, My Exorcist/Psycho/Tennessee Williams Puree

This tweet from Rifftrax says it all about the latest VOD title:

It's been days and we're still not sure
What IS Ruby?

Well, it was Piper Laurie's first movie after getting an Oscar nomination as Carrie's crazy religious mom. Judging by this character, it's hard to say who's more nuts: Margaret White, the mom who was driven insane by the shame of illicit sex that she enjoyed and convinced the product of that sin is her telekinetic daughter, or Ruby, a woman who lives in a former roadhouse in a swamp next to a drive-in that shows a movie that was made seven years after the movie is set. Then again, Ruby also feels guilty that maybe it's partially her fault the father of her mute crazy daughter got gunned down by the mob--who now works at her drive-in.

Rifftrax has several bad horror movies in its library, like The Last Slumber Party, Fever Lake, Sisters of Death, Terror at Tenkiller, Ghosthouse and Troll 2. However, none can compare with Ruby, made by a guy who decided to take chunks of Carrie, The Exorcist, maybe a dash of Sunset Boulevard and every Tennessee Williams play, put it in a movie blender and push "puree".

Ruby Claire was a singer who was in love with a gangster named Nicky and got pregnant by him. In 1935, they were about to have a rendezvous at a Florida swamp when several mobsters decided to shoot him down. She then went into labor, and gave birth to a daughter named Leslie

Sixteen years later, Ruby runs a drive-in next to the swamp, and the mobsters are her employees. No explanation why, of course. She drinks a lot and walks around in slinky clothes. Actually, she looks better than Mrs. White in Carrie. For some reason, the drive-in is showing Attack of the 50-Foot Woman (which should be an MST target someday since the title character is played by Alison Hayes, the evil bar owner in past MST target Gunslinger), which was made seven years after the movie is set. If the movie decided it was set in 1958, it would have looked a little better.

While people watch a movie from the future, the staff gets killed in pretty strange ways, One is found dead in a vending machine, while another is impaled on the drive-in screen. Ruby, meanwhile, is convinced Nicky has come back from the grave for revenge. He even possesses his mute daughter Leslie and literally speaks through her at one point. Thing is, when he does that, he tries to come on to Ruby. Yep, dead  Nicky is in Leslie's body trying to seduce Ruby. He didn't think this one out.
Still, he knows how to make his presence known, driving in his ghost car with bullet wounds on his face, or trying to talk to Ruby through the drive-in speakers.

There's a doctor of parapsychology played by Roger Davis who tries to exorcise Leslie, but only succeeds in seeing how flexible she is. Also, for some reason, the movie poster emphasizes Leslie over the title character...

In the end, Ruby decides to walk into the swamp to be reunited in death with Nicky, and looking damn good in a slinky red dress. Too bad the director decided at the last second to have Nicky's skeleton kill Ruby.
And you thought what happened to Zindy the Swamp Boy made less sense.

It's a miracle Piper Laurie washed this "movie" out of her hair and the rest of her body. She would go on to success in TV and movies (including an Emmy and a third Oscar nomination), but it's safe to say she'd rather not talk about making Ruby, unless she finds her way to a Comic-Con or two.

Enough of this, though. The important thing is that the Rifftrax crew gets in some really good riffs.

The start of the credits
Can we skip to the ending where Jason Voorhees jumps out of that water?

The projectionist notices something is wrong
Did I forget to pay the evil bill last month?

Ruby recalling the old days when she could sing and dance
This is if the Three Stooges made Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Ruby looks at her mute daughter Leslie, and wonders what she's thinking.
Are you thinking you look like Truman Capote in a wig and a nightgown?

There's also riffs on Back to the Future, Kenny Rogers, Zooey Deschanel, Swamp of the Ravens and Game of Thrones.
If you dare, you can find Ruby here, and other titles at rifftrax.com.

Review: Mothra Doesn't Soar High Enough in Rifftrax Live Event

After last June's historic MST3K reunion, it would be tough for the Rifftrax Three (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett) to produce another classic riff event.

They did their best with the 1961 kaiju classic Mothra, but the riffing didn't soar as it should. Much of the fault should be in the movie itself. While it's about a big moth, most of the movie shows an evil guy named Nelson from Rolisica (a heavily biased version of the US) stealing a couple of tiny singers known as Shobijn (Secret Fairies) to make money. He doesn't care that their god, Mothra, will kick serious kaiju butt unless he brings them back. It's also strange he seems to have control of Rolisican military to keep the girls although he's just a shady businessman. You might call this movie "Mothra: Not Without My Shobijin".
It's also interesting that instead of some pesky kid trying to defend the main monster, it's the press hoping to appease Mothra by getting the girls back. They really don't encounter Mothra until the end, when the reporters hope Mothra will be back soon to devastate the OTHER half of New Kirk City (not New York City, because it's not in Rolisica).

Some of the riffs were pretty weird, too. When Nelson sees the two girls, we hear this riff...
Do you know what Woody Allen would pay for these two?
That was a bit too edgy for some, but you should have heard the riff that followed a sign that says "The Secret Fairies Show". Let's just say it refers to two familiar leading men.

Other riffs...

Mothra as a larvae about to spin a cocoon
You call that a cocoon movie? Where the Hell is Wilford Brimley?

When they arrive in Infant Island, they're surprised to see a big forest.
It's a Bob Ross painting. So many happy trees.

A pesky fat kid finds the twins
The moon is wearing a hat.

Mothra finally shows up, fully formed
Its adorableness will destroy us all. 

There's also riffs on Pink Lady and Jeff (way too old of a reference), Hello Kitty, the Twilight books (damn vampire plants) Johnny Cash, Branson, and the Cowboy Junkies.

Before the movie, the crew took on a strange short about the importance of soap, Soapy the Germ Fighter. It involves a kid who hates to wash being visited by a bar of soap with legs but no pants. The crew was a bit disappointed Soapy didn't show the kid a world without soap, like Coily the Demon Spring showed "no springs, cuckoo" to some guy.
This is also the second time the Rifftrax crew took on a short that was also riffed by Incognito Cinema Warriors XP. Here's the link to how Rikk Wolf and his crew dealt with Soapy (at the 26-minute mark).

Although Mothra was funny, it wasn't as good as MST3K's take on Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, which also features the Shobijin trying to wake Mothra up after her tough battle with Ghidorah, and get her to help Godzilla stop some evil army or something. That was strange.

Next up for Rifftrax will be Carnival of Souls, about a girl who survives a car crash and encounters a spooky carnival. It's believed to be have influenced the films of George Romero and David Lynch, and has the most annoying organ music. Despite the fact its DVD has some impressive extras, it's also one of the first movies Rifftrax has targeted. The DVD used to be offered, but Yahoo View has it for your enjoyment. They're expected to present a restored and colorized 80-minute version when the show airs October 27th. The only question whether a color version will make the movie, or at least the organ music, spookier,

Rifftrax Takes On Star Wars VII, Pleases Fans and Unfans Alike

It's been four and a half months since Star Wars returned to theaters. There are those who were thrilled when the Force Awakened after more than a decade, and those who didn't because they thought it was doing the first movie again (so did Creed, and no one complained about that).
It didn't matter, because it was a major hit, and made the new generation of the saga a new thing to anticipate just before Christmas. Kind of like Harry Potter.

Rifftrax's take on TFA is sure to please people who enjoyed and didn't enjoy this movie. There are lots of comments about Kylo Ren's mask, old vets returning and the story itself. This is bound to be Rifftrax's biggest seller because it is that funny. It's a fine kickoff to this year's big events, which will include Time Chasers and the big MST3K reunion.

I'm smart enough to not mention the riffs when certain people make their first appearance, especially Han Solo and C-3PO. There's plenty of riffs anyway, aside from the You Tube clip above.

The first shot of the Stormtroopers
99 bottles of beer on the wall...

Rey boards her transport
Mysterious floating electric razor, how's it going?

Heading to Maz Kenata's place, described as "Hogwarts Technical College". How they describe her is not that much better.

A robot contacts the Resistance
If two Radio Shacks had sex, this robot would be the baby

Kylo Ren meets Rey for the first time: "The girl I've heard so much about"
You are Ariana Grande, right?

There's the final fight, but the Rifftrax crew complain "Peter Griffin's chicken fights are shorter than this"

There's also riffs on Aaron Spelling, eharmony, another new slogan for Golden Corral, Pablo Sandoval, Fuller House and (surprisingly) Time Chasers.

The riff is available here at rifftrax.com. This is the start of an ambitious movie riff schedule connected with the successful Kickstarter campaign. Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson, for example, will have their take on Gravity. It'll be interesting what happens when Mary Jo figures out George Clooney is not the hero here. There's also riffs coming on Jurassic World (imagine what they'll do to Claire and Owen's first scene together) and their first Rifftraxed movie, Road House, If the TFA riff earns enough money, maybe they'll afford the rights to riff this movie live in theaters. That would be the best anniversary present Rifftrax and its fans can get.

The Farce Will Awaken, Thanks to Rifftrax

At this time, thousands of Star Wars fans will be watching The Force Awakens on their DVDs, iPads or even their phones.
In just a few months, though, others will be seeing the movie in another way, through the Rifftrax app.

Yesterday, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett revealed during the last week of the Kickstarter campaign that if they raised at least 335 thousand dollars, they would provide an mp3 of their "opinions" about The Force Awakens. Some fans feared they'd go back to their insults about the prequels, but it's more likely they'll point out how similar it is to A New Hope (aka the first one). They'll also talk about C-3PO's red arm, Kylo Ren's unmasked face, and a couple of Alec Guinness moments.

Several hours after they made the announcement, Rifftrax broke through that goal, resulting in this:

Actually, this really makes sense. Rifftrax made sure fans saw riffed versions of every Harry Potter movie, and already knocked on the previous six Star Wars movies. A few already suggested TFA should be mocked, although now more people would like to see Batman v. Superman on Rifftrax's hit list.

By the way, Sphero, who makes mini-versions of the BB-8, announced that you can update the toy so that it can respond to what's happening to the movie while you watch. Now, if it can make Tom Servos and Crows that can do the same thing, or link the BB-8 to the Rifftrax app and hear it riff on the movie, then you have something to brag about.

As of 9 AM Pacific time, April 5th, the campaign has earned nearly 340 thousand dollars, much more than last year, mainly thanks to offering free shorts while they're trying to confirm two more movies for this year. If they hit 350 thousand, they'll take on the first episode of Game of Thrones. This is Daenerys' reaction to that likelihood:

(UPDATE: as of 4/6, they broke 400 thousand dollars. Sorry, Khaleesi)
Once again, no one is safe from Rifftrax. Then again, if anyone remembers the plot to that episode, it's bound to inspire some really interesting riffs (especially the term "Lannistering").
(MORE UPDATING:  More stretch goals have allowed the campaign to break 600 thousand dollars, and backers will also see riffs on the first episodes of The Walking Dead and Netflix's Daredevil, along with Gravity, Jurassic World, and the original Road House. Does this please Khaleesi?)

The MST reunion, by the way, is set for June 28th at hundreds of theaters nationwide.

For more info, go to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rifftrax/rifftrax-live-2016-mst3k-reunion-time-chasers-live

Rifftrax Hits Kickstarter Goal, But What's Next?

After a little more than four days, Rifftrax has raised 225 thousand dollars in this year's Kickstarter drive. That means we will have the live riff of Time Chasers and the big MST3K reunion with the Mads (Trace Beaulieu and TV's Frank Coniff) and the Ladies' Riffing Tag Team champs, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl. All that's left for the fans is begging Joel Hodgson to drop by, along with the new MST3K cast.

Also , there's now the prospect of "stretch goals" which helped Joel raise more than six million dollars for the MST revival. Of course, the extra cash will pay for two more Rifftrax shows. The only question is...what movies should be featured?

In the Kickstarter postings, I suggested two movies, Sharknado 3 and This Island Earth. I thought Mike, Kevin and Bill would have the intestinal fortitude to take on another Sharknado, but they decided they didn't. Too bad, since I had some riffs. The other movie seemed like a great choice, since it would be in honor of the 20th anniversary of the MST3K movie that should have been better if not for the studio and focus groups screwing it up. Actually, the Rifftrax guys actually responded to my request, but said it would be tough to get. Maybe Universal didn't like how the movie was riffed, maybe? Well, they ruined the movie, so Mike should get another shot at it. Besides, he would have gotten to use that Bootsy Collins riff.
Some fans bitter about that could suggest Barb Wire with Pamela Anderson doing her best Rick Blaine impression, but it's possible that could also be out of the reach of Rifftrax. It would be sweet revenge, of course,.

So, if not those movies, what then?
For argument's sake, let's pencil in I Believe in Santa Claus as the December showing, It would be interesting to see the guys take on Santa trying to save a kid's kidnapped parents in "Just Africa", with the help of a good fairy trying to be Celine Dion.
That leaves the October show, which usually means a cheesy horror movie except last year we got Miami Connection.
I was thinking maybe it should consider World Without End, which was riffed during the first live show Joel and the bots did in 1992.

 I also thought about The Day The World Ended, which was used in "MST3K: the Home Game", where people suggested riffs in a chat room (also known as Twitter's grandpa). However, that's a Roger Corman picture, and if we can't get It Conquered The World on DVD, I doubt the crew will be able to riff it live, If it could, we probably won't get the digital download three months later.
If they hope to get a movie that was made by a real studio, but not very well, how about The Happening with Mark Walhberg and Zooey Deschanel. It's been a go-to riff for lots of other Rifftrax movies and shows.



Now, there's the chance making this movie a live show could be more unlikely than getting Terror From the Year 5000 in a future MST3K DVD set. I just hope someting like this will be part of this year's live shows.
At least we have three and a half weeks to speculate and raise more money for this year's Rifftrax shows. We can also use that time to get Joel to come to the reunion. That would make it complete. Adding Felicia Day, Jonah Ray and Patton Oswalt, of course, would be the passing of the torch and make it the greatest live show ever. Fingers crossed!

Rifftrax Kickstarter 2016: Forresters, Nuveena and Time Chasers Live

This is a tough choice for the average American:  how should you spend your upcoming tax refund?
Support a candidate of your choice?
Buy Girl Scout Cookies?
Set a ten dollar bill on fire, which would be the same experience of Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice without going to see it?

Well, take that ten dollar bill and whatever you set aside from Samoas or Thin Mints or Marco Rubio and give to Rifftrax's Kickstarter campaign today.

What would be the best reason to do so?
The second show on June 28th will feature many alumni from Mystery Science Theater 3000, including the Mads, Trace Beaulieu and TV's Frank Coniff, and Rifftrax's Real Housewives of Riffing, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl. It all takes place at the State Theater in Minneapolis, which was the site of a couple of MST3K conventions back in the Comedy Central days.

The gang from the new MST3K (also brought to you by Kickstarter) have been invited, and maybe another familiar face will arrive (coughJOELcough). Besides, if there's ever a time for Kinga Forrester to show up and create the worst-case-scenario for a non-holiday family reunion, this is it. The Rifftrax troika of Mike, Kevin and Bill would welcome such a moment, as do we all.
The reunion apparently will be similar to the last Sketchfest show Rifftrax offered, where they lobbed riffs at terrible educational shorts. The difference is it'll be broadcast live in lots of theaters nationwide, then the public can get its copy by next fall.

Before that, they'll take on an old MST chestnut, Time Chasers, about a couple from Vermont who turn their airplane into a time machine. They don't wind up in a world where Bernie Sanders is president, however. That movie will be shown on May 5th, also in theaters.

The goal this time is 225 thousand dollars, which to some fans seemed a bit high. However, it's raised 167 thousand bucks in the first day, which means this is also going to succeed. The Time Chasers print is in HD, and the producer, David Giancola, is on board with the show. More shows will be scheduled after the first goal is hit.  Maybe we'll get a live version of I Believe in Santa Claus, an example of how France can also made lousy holiday movies.
Come to think of it, there IS a third Sharknado movie, right? Yeah, it's an excuse to see if they come up with riffs that are better than mine, and they definitely will. (UPDATE: it's now a moot point because they've decided not to riff that movie)
More goodies may be available, too, like maybe new mp3 riffs on certain blockbusters (Hello, Gods of Egypt).

Of course, there are bonuses for contributors. It includes downloads of Time Chasers and the MST3K show, t-shirts, autographed stuff, the chance to write a riff, and even get your own jingle thanks to Kevin.

For more info, head to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rifftrax/rifftrax-live-2016-mst3k-reunion-time-chasers-live/description.

Rifftrax Christmas #3: Kris Kringle Down

It seems every country has its own way of making a Santa Claus movie. We make one where he conquers Mars, or makes the Martians look like pompous fools. Mexico has him battle a demon while trying to reunite a rich boy with his parents and give a poor girl a doll taller than her.

What does France do? Have Santa and a "good fairy" get kidnapped by African warlords to grant a young boy's wish to get his parents back.
Could be worse. There could have also been a croissant bunny involved.

Rifftrax has found another holiday movie that, despite its attempt to convince kids to never give up on their dreams, makes even less sense than Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

It's called I Believe in Santa Claus, although it's French title means "I Met Santa Claus". It's about a kid named Simon who's having a tough time. His parents disappeared somewhere in "Just Africa", and he gets tossed in a closet by a mean janitor who thinks he broke a window. Someone else did it, but his excuse is he's scared when he's in a locked room.
The only "cheer" he gets is from a singing teacher who's either trying to be a prototype for Celine Dion or the first member of a French knockoff of ABBA. Rifftrax tried to compare her to Brazilian singer Xuxa, but she had much better songs.

Simon writes a letter to Santa, asking him to bring his parents back, who supposedly were captured by African warlords. That was probably a way to create a holiday story ripped from the headlines of 1984. The kid also has a saying from his dad saying that anything can happen if you wish hard enough. Believe it or not, that idea works. During a field trip to the airport, Simon and his friend Elodie are mistaken for two kids booked for a flight to Finland.

So, after wandering around in the snow, Santa finds them, and they meet a good fairy named Mary Ellen, who looks like their teacher. Couldn't the movie explain their teacher is also a Good Fairy, which makes her a more whimsical version of Safety Woman? Maybe she knew the kids were missing and tracked them down...and gave Finnair a piece of her mind about grabbing kids and putting them on planes at any moment.
I know, "just repeat to yourself it's a kids movie that can't help from being dumb," but it makes Home Alone look better.
Anyway, her songs are schmaltzy. When she sings a song abut elves making toys, the Rifftrax crew thinks it almost sounds like "Coming To America" by Neil Diamond. She also tells Simon and Elodie not to head to the forest because that's where an ogre lives. He's mean and eats kids and dogs. Naturally, when Santa and the fairy head to Africa to save Simon's parents, the kids go to the forest.

Come to think of it, seeing Santa and the fairy walking somewhere in "just Africa" is a sight to see, especially when he cools off by jumping into a lake with his clothes on. They wind up getting captured by the African warlord, who won't release the parents until France denounces his country's government. He also thinks white bearded guys like Santa are CIA.
The warlord's kids are worried, though. Santa in jail means no Super Bowl t-shirts where the losing teams are declared champs (in the case of '84, Miami). So, they let him out by taking some of the soldiers' guns. When Santa and the fairy get back, they see the kids went to that ogre. This leads the fairy to disguise herself as Red Riding Hood, while singing something that's almost "The Winner Takes It All".
She does rescue the kids, and lets them help Santa on his Christmas ride. Of course, Simon's parents do get home, too. It's all as dumb as it sounds.

Riff time:

Simon writes his letter to Santa, wanting his parents back
A trip to the hardware store shouldn't take three years.

Simon and Elodie go through the airport lobby in Finland
By Finnish decree even the airport must look like a ski lodge.

Santa tells Simon what happened to his parents is due to politics. Simon asks what is that and Santa says "It's nothing you want in your Christmas stocking"
Unless you're George Will

The idea that warlords kidnapping Santa would make a great holiday story
It's A Wonderful Life could've used just a few more political kidnappings

The warlord asks "who let the guns be stolen?"
The Baha Men's unsuccessful follow-up song

There's also riffs on Anakin Skywalker, Klaus Barbie, Skymall, Wendy's, Planet of the Apes and Sally Struthers. Oh, and they came up with a new slogan for...well, you know.

It's likely this movie may be Rifftrax's Christmas show next year, but there are other possible strange holiday movies to mock, There's one where Santa may get evicted from his workshop for not paying his rent, or the one where a greedy oil company threatens Santa's workshop due to over-drilling. If they don't get these movies, the new MST3K might.

Until then. I Believe in Santa Claus is available at the Rifftrax website, along with other holiday classics.

Help Bring Back MST3K, Thanks to Kickstarter!

Well, if it worked for Veronica Mars and Reading Rainbow...

Earlier today, Joel Hodgson announced that he's now got all the t's crossed and such and can start a Kickstarter campaign to revive the first great cable TV show that didn't include sports highlights or Pat Buchanan complaining, Mystery Science Theater 3000!!!

In his Kickstarter page, he explains why now is the time to revive this classic show. The obvious reason is we miss the show, and so does Joel. That's why we had Cinematic Titanic and Incognito Cinema Warriors XP, and have Rifftrax (now with selected MST3K episodes). The legal tangles have been straightened out, and the project lives.

The plan is to raise at least two million dollars for three episodes, but if five and a half million dollars are raised, we'll have 12 episodes, or the same length of the first season.
There's lots of rewards, of course, named after classic phrases from the show, like "We've Got Movie Sign", "Poster-a-Go-Go", "Mr. Blu-Natural", and "The Big McLargeHuge". Specifically, people can get a free download of the first episode or the whole season, shirts, coffee cups, a producer's credit (for those in the one percent, and not necessarily in income) and even seeing the show in a theater,

So, if you think you can take over the world through bad movies, despite the fact Sharknado didn't make humanity burn itself down (and neither did Jem and the Holograms aka Two and Out), just give cash to the return of MST3K. You can always claim you're responsible.
The real hope is that a cable outlet or Netflix/Amazon Prime picks up the show. A lot has changed in 15 years, and it just might happen.

For more info, head to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/mst3k/bringbackmst3k

UPDATE: Joel Hodgson had an "Ask Me Anything" event on Reddit, and revealed some interesting things:

The new episodes will likely center on movies made in the 1970's and 80's but later releases are possible

They've already chosen a new host, who will be revealed soon

The new show will be "quaint", compared to, say, Guardians of the Galaxy

His choice for a "Desert Isle Flick" would be A Hard's Day Night

The show will be filmed in Los Angeles, although the talent and staff will be from several places around the country.

The new targets, er, movies will be excellent prints. Too bad the script and acting won't be.

He compares the show to Doctor Who, in that it has a chance to reboot and reinvent itself. That's why the new episodes will include (we're not sure how) Dr. Forrester's offspring. Maybe cloned or something, but that's what he'll be. The old MST continuity will be part of the new show, just like Doctor Who, actually,. Oh, and Joel's favorite Doctor is Tom Baker.

It's also possible the old crew, from Joel to Trace and Mike, could make cameos in the new episodes. Again, nothing is certain.

He also compares the show to going to a haunted house on the edge of town with your funny friends. It works best if you don't know what's in there."

The next DVD set is coming December first.

Mystery Rifftrax Theater 3000

Eat your heart out, Clayton Forrester.
You had dreams of taking over the world after driving all of mankind insane through showing horrible movies.
It was a plan doomed to fail, since mankind keeps making these crimes against cinema. Hello, Jem and the Holograms.
Still, you would never have guessed there would be something called Rifftrax, which went you one better when it came to mocking movies, or even this:

Mike Nelson, the Pope of Rifftrax, made the announcement Monday afternoon:



It plans to offer a new movie every Monday with new introductions by Mike, and call it MST3K Mondays.
What's interesting is that the first two selections, "Pumaman" and "Final Sacrifice" are from the Sci-Fi Channel days, However, Jeff Whitton, press guy for Rifftrax, says it'll also be showing Joel Hodgson episodes, with the first one on November 9th.

Also, fans can download MST3K episodes. Vimeo already offers that option for 80 episodes for a modest fee, but the two shows Rifftrax is offering are not in Vimeo. Amazon, Hulu and Shout Factory, meanwhile, also have MST3K shows but they are only streaming video. So, it should be interesting which episodes Rifftrax can get. It would be incredible if they get episodes not even on DVD, like "It Conquered the World."
Update: word from the Rifftrax comments board  confirm the offer is being done with the help of Shout Factory. They have ten titles confirmed, and more may be coming.

The point is, of course, is to introduce a new generation to the beauty that is insulting movies you wish weren't made. Again, hello, Hotel Transylvania 2 and Pan.
They might get confused by the silhouettes, but not for long.

Rifftrax's new MST3K page can be found here. Of course, fans can still get other mocked b-movies, and mp3 riffs elsewhere on the website.

Rifftrax Live: Fists of Fury, the Musical

Instead of a really bad movie about zombies, vampires or some creepy guy with a mask, Rifftrax Live's Halloween show takes on the ultimate horror combination...the 80s and cheesy martial arts movies!

The crew of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy was in top form in Nashville Thursday night when they took on Miami Connection, an indie movie made by taekwondo expert YK Kim. He's not exactly Bruce Lee, but he has this move:

He helped produce a movie about a pop band called "Dragon Sounds", who sing about friendship and being against Ninjas. They have problems with the band that they replaced, and a group of ninjas who also traffic cocaine.

Two of the band members have concerns, too. Jane, the female singer, has a brother named Jeff who doesn't like her choice in boyfriends..

He's also involved with the drug-pushing ninja, though, So his opinion isn't too valuable.

Another member, Jim, is looking for his father who deserted his family. However, he does find Dad...just in time to be stabbed by the ninjas.

So, before we talk more about the movie some more, let's get to the riffs:

The leader of the ninjas has a meeting:

"Where's money"?

Kevin:  Cuba Gooding Jr. really wants to know.

Mark (YK Kim) notes that "we are all orhpans"

Mike:  My favorive orhpan is Olivor Twast

In another fight, one of the DS guys is challenged by a dorky version of Axl Rose

Bill:  He studied under Grandmaster Elaine Benes

The movie has a section where the DS guys show of their taekwondo skills. Mike is not impressed when he describes it as "take some acid and fight the invisible gorillas". Also, during the Dragon Sounds concert, the crew leads the audience in clapping along with the song but not to the beat.

There's also riffs on Power Rangers, The Goonies, John Oates, Lilith Fair, Crystal Pepsi, Human Centipede and Maria Sharapova. Oh, and they came up with a new slogan for Golden Corral, too. 

Back to the movie, it actually got a comeback thanks to a re-release thanks to Alamo Drafthouse Films and Turner Classic Movies. This lead to a reunion:

Not only that, Kim didn't really mind that Rifftrax was mocking the movie, Here's the story from the Orlando Sentinel, and the Rifftrax crew acknowledged him watching the show from Orlando. They just asked him not to rip their throats out.

Now there was some horror, though. It was a 1970 Coronet short on measuring things. They had a kid learn about inches, pints and such from a milkman who was, in reality, Measuring Man! We couldn't find a picture of him, but imagine a really geeky Ty Burrell with glasses, wearing a Superman costume and a utility belt with measuring cups, a sparking telescope (?) and a ruler. He'd be more disturbing than Mr. B Natural.

UPDATE:  Periscope has a clip from the short. Seeing Measuring Man is a sight to behold.
UPDATE 2:  It's now available at the Rifftrax site. 

Finally, they had a preview of the next movie, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny II. It's just like the original, only this time the story in the middle is Jack and the Beanstalk. The production values are barely above "Fun In Balloonland" but at least the girl who played Thumbelina is back full-size. That'll be coming on December 3rd.