Sunday, July 12, 2015

Rifftrax 200: Stone Cold Cleanup In Aisle Four

It;'s been nine years of mocking big movies via mp3, and then cheesy B-movies through streaming video. Now Rifftrax celebrates its 200th movie, and the feature it chose was one ex-NFL first round draft pick's attempt to be an action movie star--and not getting close.

Back in 1991, Brian Bosworth, the Boz, retired from the Seattle Seahawks and tried his hand on being a movie star in Stone Cold. He plays Joe Huff, a cop from Birmingham, AL, who doesn't play by the rules. Kind of like a bulkier Clint Eastwood. There was even an "acting coach" in the credits.

After stopping a robbery at a supermarket where he was shopping, the cops come and they're mad at him. Seems he was suspended for insubordination, and didn't like him helping out. The FBI, though, wants him to infiltrate a motorcycle gang that excels in killing people and mayhem in general. If he says yes, he'll be a cop again. If not, he'll stay suspended for six months. He's also saddled with a partner named Lance who looks like the worst FBI agent least for 99% of the movie.

Bosworth is packaged as a rebel cop because of his muscles, pet iguana, and Flashdance-style sweats. If all he did was fight, he may have done fine. Sadly, when he tries to emote, he's not that convincing. Lance Henriksen, who lays Chains Cooper the biker gang kingpin, looks more like a mangier version of Willie Nelson. he looked more meanacing when he was in Millennium, The Terminator and Near Dark. 

As for the Rifftrax crew, they overuse Bosworth's only good quip, "Cleanup in aisle four", while commenting on the gang's use of overkill in its reign of terror. Their attempt to rescue their leader from a sentencing hearing in the Mississippi Supreme Court is a prime example.

Some of the riffs:

The biker gang gathers for an all-out two-wheeled celebration
Kevin:  The grizzled prospectors have teamed up with the biker gangs. We're doomed.

Huff steps into a car where an FBI agent is waiting
Kevin:  Don't hurt me. Sorry, I thought you were Bo Jackson

There's a scene at the compound with girls showering outdoors, and kids for some reason
Mike:  Hideout or a biker-themed amusement park?

A song lyric as Huff/Stone rides to Pensacola for a job:  "It doesn't get any sadder than this"
Mike:  The original title of this movie

A fight at a strip joint that's not too exciting
Bill:  The Nazi Biker Gang fights like the Bad News Bears.

Stone is in a fight with a gangster inside a car
Bill:  This is the 4th worst Uber experience ever.

There's also riffs on a short about buying food, Dr. Strangelove, The Room, the Seattle Seahawks, Betty White, Jimi Hendrix and Meredith Brooks

The latest Rifftrax feature is available at the website, along with the other 199 movies.

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