Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Rifftrax Wishes It Can Throw Gold Boots At Astro Zombies

This time, there's no video preview for this movie because it's not on YouTube yet. So. we have the original trailer...

Here's the link to Rifftrax's page on this movie, though. It's still a pretty weird follow up to the MST3K classic, Girl In Gold Boots. As Stefan from SNL would say, this B-movie has everything: a mad scientist, a zombie who looks like a Mexican wrestler, a spy who fails miserably at resembling Casey Kasem, a boss who is not sober at all, a girlfriend who's barely more than bait, a leggy evil spy, a really oily French version of Igor and scenes that go nowhere for hours, especially in labs.

The deal here is that John Carradine plays a mad scientist who wants to make zombie androids, and we see every boring step that goes into that. Tura Satana plays an evil leggy spy who wears cut-out dresses because the producers can't get away with her being nude. That's why we see her legs much more than what most men want to see. She has an oily Mexican henchman who can at least talk and a bossy bald guy who thinks he's in charge.
The good guys include the not-Casey Kasem spy who likes to grab his lab assistant girlfriend because he's a guy, Wendell Corey is his drunk boss.

The main story of both sides battling over the intermittent killing spree of the one Astro-Zombie barely exists. There's lots of scenes of the doc making his monster from scratch, Franchot (the oily guy) looking around and at one point fiddling with an unnamed girl in a bikini tied to a slab, and the spies taking too long to start shooting at each other. There's even a scene of a topless dancer who's covered in paint to make it less sexy. The Astro-Zombie also tries to kill girls by undressing them first.

The weird thing about it is it was co-written and produced by Ted Mikels and Wayne Rogers. Yeah, THAT Wayne Rogers who starred in M*A*S*H and House Calls before he eventually became a financial expert that appeared on Fox News. They made another movie called Dr. Sex, which is now rightfully forgotten. However, Something Weird Video has it, and man, it's racier than you think.  Mikels also made The Doll Squad, a proto-Charlie's Angels that was riffed by Cinematic Titanic in its final live shows.

OK, now the riffs

The movie begins with a woman driving in a convertible
She's hoping the car is what the director meant when he said "You'll have to go topless"

The credits roll while we see toy robots not doing much at all
It's a more cerebral Transformers movie

Some blonde German tries to shake down the femme fatale for more money for a tape she wants.
You think I just give you my VHS copy of Shaquille O'Neal's Kazzan?

Carradine's first scene
So what is this? Am I on The Man from UNCLE?
No, John, you're doing a movie. Astro-Zombies.
So then we'll shoot Bonanza?

Satana smoking and pacing
Connie Chung after the divorce.

The spy's girlfrend is told to appear in a window so the bad guys know she's there.
The zombies like it when you kiss your own reflection like Alex Rodriguez.

There's also riffs on Michael Dukakis, The Go-Gos, Groupon, Sharon Tate, "Where's Waldo?" and Pepto-Bismol, which is what people needed after seeing this movie.

Rifftrax's version can be found here, but there's a blu-ray version that has the riff and commentary by Mikels himself. You can get it at Amazon and a few other places.

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