Casper Van Dien has come....forward...since the Starship Troopers movies, and being a silent bartender and a few other things in Con Man. A couple of years ago, he helped make Star Raiders, which there was hope would have Saber Raine a household name. Sure, it was partially funded by Kickstarter, but he was hoping it would lead to medium-sized things.
Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett were good-natured in their, er, comments when they showed this in their latest live show this past week. It's another of those movies with big dreams but small results.
As usual, it's the script that's the real problem. We have Saber Raine (which sounds like a song Prince would sing if his career was in the Civil War), a disgraced space captain who's now stranded on some planet. He's apparently known for his saber skills that are used only once, and has guns, too. Everyone else has ray guns, since it's outer space.
Anyway, the main plot is some guy named Sinjin capturing Tyr and Calliope, heirs to the kingdom of Ares. Of course, he wants to take over with the help of ugly bugs. He has that Darth Vader vibe until he unmasks, and tells her the truth about her people...
No, the truth doesn't make her eyes red. She instead wears a face mask Elton John threw away.
From there, Saber, a blond girl named Fade, a guard that looks like either Kevin Smith or Captain Lou Albano, and a snake lady named Crotalus battle the bad guys with cheesy special effects, and try to destroy an evil castle made out of mutated Playmobil parts.
There's also an Aussie guy named Jax who's actually well known as an artist in DC's Green Arrow. Too bad he's described as "Truman Capote's last role".
There's also a saber battle between Calliope and Sabre which is just as terrible as you can get. He even pretends that he might join her if the price is right, and it's not even close to convincing. It's also odd that some promo ads found online imply they'll be allies. Nope.
Also, martial arts legend Cynthia Rothrock makes an appearance late in the movie as a major galactic official. The good news is that she isn't married to Santa Claus, but it would have been better if she kicked someone for old times sake.
Otherwise, it was a BIG snore. Starcrash was better than this.
Before this, there was a short on telling the truth. It involved three boys tossing rocks at things, including a towel. Too bad they didn't see the window in back of it. The gang pointed out one of the kids in the film had so many freckles he could be Young Rorschach from the Watchkids (get it?).
This is the first time Rifftrax has offered a show that's taped ahead of time, and if you didn't know that, it looks like any other show. There was a report in Indiana someone aired the show too early. So, let's hear it for live shows.
OK, let's get to the riffs:
"Circe, open the channel"
And don't have sex with your brother, Jamie
One of the Ares guards mentions the other one "died as he lived, with honor" to the snake lady, Crotalus.
Cool, I eat flies.
Sinjin unmasks
Hell of a zit!
Evil Calliope: Cavaliers, most likely
They smell like Cleveland
"For 1992, these special effects aren't too bad."
"This was from 18 months ago"
Sinjin tells Calliope she's about to experience a transformation, or recasting...
"What you lose in beauty you will gain in immeasurable power"
What you don't tell your wife before a haircut.
There are also riffs on Seth Green, Dave Attell, Disneyland, a really pale alien who used to be part of MST3K, Chipotle and Fort Worth.
Rifftrax wraps up its season with a second look at The Giant Spider Invasion on August 15th and 20th. It's uncut, so expect more scenes of men sitting in front of a fire-and-brimstone preacher and thinking about the chicks they're going to almost have sex with, unsexy scenes with scantily clad women, and Perry Mason's secretary rolling down a hill. Might be an extra "PACKERS" yell, too.
