Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Rifftrax: Why Didn't This Bermuda Triangle Movie Disappear?
This may be the biggest Rifftrax VOD bargain yet: a movie that's nearly two hours...and feels like it's six at least. The Bermuda Triangle has a well-respected director at the most embarrassing time of his career, evil dolls, a sexy girl to distract us from the lack of quality (which is what Piranha 3-D did from start to finish), and a tedious block that reminds one of the "rock climbing" in the Lost Continent episode from MST3K.
This blog includes the "roundtable" discussion of Bermuda Triangle, which still has enough clips that make you wonder about this film. The gist is that a boat with 13 passengers, which is a bad omen in itself, is headed to some runs that are supposedly from Atlantis. However, they have to go inside the Triangle, where boats and planes disappear without a trace. Sadly, it does not include this movie.
Take the first scene: a boat that looks like the Mayflower is about to sink due to a hurricane, and the only person left is a young girl (Mike Nelson: "Your daughter will love her 'My First Titanic Playset'"). We see her pout, facing her imminent death...
then cut to the Black Whale III, the "Ship of Fools" in this movie. It includes Peter and Sybil, a married couple whose love died long ago. Apparently he couldn't save a girl on the operating table, and holds a glass of scotch constantly. John Huston, who may have made this to raise money to direct Wise Blood, wanders around, and has a young wife that explains some kids calling him "dad."
Below deck is...Vadinho, Pumaman's shaman? Miguel Angel Fuentes, who has a nice voice if you saw that movie, is dubbed within an inch of his life. Actually, everyone is dubbed (not Huston, though) by two or three people. It's the worst dubbing since Braniac, especially how they treat the cook.
Anyway, Diane, Huston's daughter (!???!!), sees a doll floating in the water. They pick it up and give it to her, not noticing it looks like the girl who died in the first two minutes. Pretty soon, Diane holds the doll, predicting everyone will die. So, it's a demonic film, right?
Well, let's not forget the legend of the Triangle: let's have ships and a few planes suddenly disappear to emphasize that.
Then Diane's attacked by a bunch of birds (Mike: "Sudden on-set Birdemic" Kevin Murphy: "Death by Polly wanting a cracker"), and the doll apparently saved the kid by biting the birds. That's followed by the boat suddenly losing power, and the captain deciding he's going to ask the director of the African Queen why he's in this movie. Then one of the kids sees someone pop up from the ocean (maybe a pilot who died heroically in a certain sci-fi film?), but it was all a dream....right?
This is followed by a very tedious scuba scene, or as Bill Corbett calls it, "exploring a Brian Eno deep cut". It's mainly a lot of nothing broken up by occasional killing of sharks. However, when they approach the alleged ruins of Atlantis (Mike: "Wrath of the Giant Petrified Toilet Paper Rolls of the Titans"), the ruins collapse in some sea quake or something. Even that gets boring, though, except Michelle's legs are severely wounded. That only restores some type of suspense in the movie, because it gives drunk doc a chance at redemption that never comes. At one point, he thinks the only way to protect the ship from the unseen threat is throw away every painting that shows a big octopus or a fish with big teeth
Anyway, everyone tries to get help, leave the boat, or head to the nearest island to basically escape this movie. However, we find out it's futile, because.......
well, let's say it's something that M. Night Shyamalan would consider an embarrassing way to end this film.
The riffs range from the XFL, John Cougar Mellencamp, the Andrea Doria, Popeye, 127 Hours, The Ghost Whisperer, Lost and the Gong Show to a disturbing riff mash-up involving Spongebob Squarepants and the Snorks. There's even some implied violence among the riffers, and Mike says "Release the Kraken" three times--and it's not what you think.
Rifftrax is getting a handle on mocking foreign horror flicks whose quality and budget is just an inch above, say, The Galaxy Invader or Firehead. Still, Incognito Cinema Warriors XP has the edge, especially when you see what they do to Lady Frankenstein or Bloody Pit of Horror.