Rifftrax Live: Return of Swamp Thing, or Beauty and the Bush

 

Every once in a while in the olden days of MST3K, someone would say "Do not bring your evil here". That's a catch phrase from the TV version of DC's Swamp Thing. You know, a scientist who becomes one with the swamp because of a terrible lab accident.

Well, Rifftrax took on the sequel, Return of Swamp Thing. This movie didn't bring its evil, a script that made sense or even dignity.
Only Rifftrax would raise enough money to show this to 700 theaters this past August, and it's twice the amount the movie earned. 

The plot is that Swamp Thing battles his archrival, Dr. Arcane, who's played by former leading man (mon dieu!) Louis Jordan. This guy wants to live forever, even if he has to kill his ditzy stepdaughter Abby, played by Heather Locklear. She just wants answers to why her mom died (and if he did it), while he wants her blood for eternal life or something. Close family, this ain't.
There's a possibility 92 percent of the budget was paying for these two actors. The rest of the movie and its look suggest that.
One problem:  Arcane died in the first movie, but the sequel doesn't show how he was resurrected. At the very least, he should have been a suave zombie in a tux.

Anyway, the swamp is filled by bizarre creatures, along with the genetic freaks Arcane makes by splicing their genes and/or body parts. Yes, we mean the creatures are dumb hillbillies. 
The movie also throws in two kids who hope to avoid the monsters, and maybe take a picture of Swamp Thing for cash.

Sarah Douglas is Arcane's assistant, and clearly wishes she was back in the Phantom Zone since he's not really into her. Dope.
There's also a scene between two goons, Gunn and Poinsettia, where they compare wounds. This is strange because Lethal Weapon 3 has a similar scene, and I hope that didn't come from this movie. 

The main story, of course, is Abby falling for Swamp Thing because she's a vegetarian...and often talked to plants back in L-A. There is a tender (and fake) love scene between Swamp Thing and Abby, but their affection would freak out Man-Thing.

Of course, Arcane is defeated, but in an anti-climactic way. It involves killing another victim that wound up looking like an alien too weird to be in a sci-fi movie. As for Abby, she is at one with nature, just like her green and swampy hero. That's actually in the comics, too. 

Before that, the crew presented a really creepy short called Danny's Dental Date. It starts with puppet Danny hearing he's got a dental appointment. He runs away, then meets talking animals. They discuss the importance of healthy teeth. It's as creepy as it sounds.
Then it turns out it was all a dream. We get a look at dentistry from 60 years ago, when we used mercury in tooth fillings. Yikes! Where's Britt Baker, DMD when you need her?
Maybe this movie was to prepare fans for the really bad trauma that is the main feature. It also showed Kevin's phobia towards puppets he doesn't know. 

There was also a short tribute to Rifftrax's 16th anniversary that included some MST3K alumni, movie producers who are somehow not that upset their movies were reamed by Rifftrax, and Weird Al Yankovic (who is still the head of the National Pork Council). 

The riffs were pretty good, and really jabbed the movie. It even gave callbacks on Manos and The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. It did miss one opportunity: when Swamp Thing jammed a hand grenade into the pants of a henchman, I wondered why the gang didn't yell "DANTON" since it's a callback to Deadly Prey.

Then there were these:

Opening credits
Is this Stan Lee's yearbook?

Swamp Thing arrives
Zindy the Swamp Boy got all swole

A fat kid runs to his friends house to see dirty magazines...that also have nude women
Ned Beatty really disappeared into this role

Abby wants to mate with Swamp Thing because "I'm a vegetarian"
Do I have to spell it out? I'm gay

But love conquers way too much
This was the last time a woman mated with a plant until Pete Davison started dating Kim Kardashian.

There were also riffs on Gigi (of course), Little Shop of Horrors, Scrubbing Bubbles, the band 311, and the internet.

When this show is available to everyone around Thanksgiving, fans should get it quickly. This was one of the most brutal takedowns of any cheesy movie in years. In the meantime, the website has some great titles including Mary Jo and Bridget's version of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (I'll discuss this soon) and Split Second with Kim Cattrall in a climate change dystopia...in London!
Oh, and the stuff people got from the Kickstarter should come soon, and that includes MST3K, too.