Real Housewives of Rifftrax Take On Bert I. Gordon's Idea of Noir

 

We've been a bit behind on a lot of things, mainly due to revisiting a Hellmouth and looking for a Slayer's house.

However, we are finally able to comment on Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl's third attempt to mock an old target of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Two years after Jan in the Pan, they're revisiting Tormented from 1960. This is Bert I. Gordon trying to spread his wings after doing movies about big spiders and bigger guys. It's his idea of a noir-mystery movie with his semi-special effects.  

It stars Richard Carlson (from Minnesota) who plays Tom Stewart, a jazz musician who's trying to get rid of a girlfriend to marry a rich young woman named Meg, He breaks the news to Vi (the ex) at a lighthouse. She refuses to cooperate, and threatens a lawsuit. Then she tumbles over a railing and hangs on with one hand. Tom decides to let her fall after a near-attempt to rescue her. 

Foe the rest of the movie, the ghost of Vi apparently haunts him, although his guilt is slowly driving him nuts, too. He's also bothered by Sandy, Meg's sister (played by Bert's daughter) and a blind landlord. 

Then some boat guy named Nick (played by Joe Turkel, who's had an impressive career) thinks Tom may have knocked off Vi, and blackmails him. Tom kills Nick, but there's a witness.

Usually, Bridget and Mary Jo have a soft spot for Carlson, but they said the young version of him is like an older Arnold Schwarzenegger. They jab on him a bit,  but they're more annoyed by Vi and how she torments him. Since he deliberately didn't save her, that tracks. They also don't know if it's horror or romance. Well, it's not.

Now, let's compare riffs between the two versions:

"Jodi Reding as Vi"
MST: as six?
Rifftrax:  She's missing an "e" and a "d"

"It's Sandy"
MST:  Your little conscience
Rifftrax:  I was cast as the annoying kid

Meg shows up at the lighthouse
MST:  My ten o'clock
Rifftrax:  Oh, thank goodness, a non-dead woman

Tom tries to move on from Vi's ghost
MST:  I'll make your life a living Hell, good night!
Rifftrax:  and that's how you break up with a ghost

"Tom Stewart killed me!"
MST:  Everybody, Tom Stewart killed me!
Rifftrax:  Nobody likes a braggart

Tom kills Nick, who wants to blackmail Tom, but they're not alone
MST:  Jim Henson's Witness Babies
Rifftrax:  Sandy's going to have quite the "What I Did Last Summer" essay 

Sandy confronts Tom
MST:  Sandy's back and she's pissed
Rifftrax:  Jessica Fletcher's Super Early Years

There's also riffs on The Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf, Ursula Andress, The She Creature and Die Hard.

Some of the Rifftrax riffs are similar to the original but Bridget comes with a doozy towards the end. Still, the MST version is better because it has more pop references. It also has a good running gag on "Sessions presents" albums, and Tom Servo's "I'm gonna kill me a girlfriend"

Both versions of Tormented are available at the Rifftrax website. 

The Movie That Wouldn't Stop Riffing

 

In the distinguished history (yes, it is, if it included Mark Hamill and Neil Patrick Harris) of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a handful of movies have been riffed more than twice. They include Manos and two Santa movies.

The latest is The Brain That Wouldn't Die aka the Jan in the Pan story. For years, it was just known as the first movie Mike Nelson had to endure when he was drafted as the second test subject. In the past six months, though, it's been riffed twice. It was re-riffed by Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff from The Mads Are Back last May, then by Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl on Rifftrax a few weeks ago. 

Fans know the plot:  a surgeon named Bill Cortner thinks he's on the verge of complete transplantation, where a doc can replace any body part. He wants a world of Johnny Longtorsos. 
Bill gets in an accident where his fiance Jan gets decapitated. Thanks to his new neck juice, he keeps her head alive in a pan. Then, he scours the town looking for a new body for Jan. She doesn't like that idea, and winds up in connection with a monster locked in another room. It's known as Murray. They plot to stop the doc. 
Bill does find a woman who's perfect for his experiment, but the monster stops him and causes a fire somehow. It saves the woman while the doc and Jan die in the fire.
Then it ends with her laughing, and proof the producers should have at least remembered the name of the movie

                                                

What's interesting is that all three versions are different.
The MST version is the regular cut with some scenes taken out for time. For the record, it took out a couple of minutes of the evil doc running, and a scene where Jan in the Pan vows to stop him.
The Mads' version removes the strip joint scene, and moves a couple of scenes. Maybe they weren't in the mood to comment on Bill seducing someone into being a jigsaw puzzle. As Mike Nelson said when he saw this, "this is sick".
The Rifftrax version only removes Doris being ogled by a grimy paparazzi at her place. Maybe Bridget and Mary Jo thought the movie was icky enough.

Let's be honest:  this movie is a male fantasy. What man wouldn't dream of changing things about his girlfriend, and in this case going too far? I was expecting Bridget and Mary Jo to rip Bill a new one, and turn the movie into Jan in the Pan' revenge. Instead, they approached the movie the same way Mike, Kevin and Bill would. The gals still throw in some strange riffs in the movie, but should have predicted he'd think about building a secret girlfriend. 

Let's compare the riffs at key moments...

The accident where Jan loses her head and Bill is thrown from the car

MST:  We now join Barefoot in the Park already in process
Mads:  That's the actor's best roll
RT:  Stop, drop and roll is not for car accidents

We see Jan's head

MST:  They saved Sister Bertrille's brain
Mads:  Heads you lose
RT: Is It Cake?

Bill checks on the monster he made before Jan

MST:  Dylan Thomas' last moments on Earth
Mads:  Louis CK is in there and Frank saying Sounds like me after eating beets
RT:  Russell Johnson is Winnie the Pooh

Doris shows Bill the scar that ruined her life:  "I carry the memory of it permanently"

MST:  That's the last time I get into a car with Monty Clift, I'll tell you that
Mads:  What, the ear?
RT:  It's not even in a cool shape, like Harry Potter's

The monster escapes

MST:  Eww, Boo Radley
Mads:  It's the Creature of the Shit Lagoon
RT:  The swelling will go down and he'll be the Mickey Rourke we all know and love

Some of the riffs for all three versions wound up being similar, like one where Bill realizes he was driving too fast, the Knock Three Times joke when the monster was doing just that to communicate, and the fact Bill had no idea the monster was about to grab him.
Of course, the Mads and MST realized by the laughter at the end it's a comedy...a real dark one, to be sure.

The Rifftrax version still had some odd riffs. When Bill goes to a Body Beautiful contest, Bridget asks Mary Jo "Would you rather have a brain that wouldn't die or a body that won't quit?"
Strangely, Mary Jo prefers both. 
That's followed by a strange theory that comes just as Bill enters Doris' apartment. It's connected to the sax tune that's played through half the movie:  "What if every time you were going to sin this music came on? You'd never sin."
Sorry, Bridget, too many people would risk living their lives with an annoying soundtrack than avoid sinning. In Trump's case, it would be an off-key version of YMCA. 

There were also riffs on public schools, Grey's Anatomy, big cars, New Coke, Lebron James and Harvey Dent.

This is definitely a Rifftrax Essential, and you should get it now on the website. It also shows they should consider having Bridget and Mary Jo host a live show sometime. 

Gamera's Back, But What's Pearl Planning? MST in July

 

Sorry this was a week late, but there were no watch parties at Comic-Con.
For the first time in 30 years, Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffs on a Gamera movie. However, Jonah and the bots see it uncut, and it's a bit tedious. Meanwhile, Pearl may be planning something. Forresters don't have family vacations without a motive.

First, though, the movie...
it takes place around the time of Expo 70 in Osaka. A strange statue found by an "American" in Wester Island will be part of the event. Some guy claims removing it will cause a curse. Actually, it wakes up a monster called Jiger. Gamera comes to the rescue, despite the adults being upset it'll wreck Japan. Jiger "infects it" with an egg or whatever. The Annoying Kids borrow a kiddie submarine to rescue Gamera, then we have the final battle where Gamera wins. 
It's the usual thing, only without sexy aliens who want to eat brains. 

                                      

At the Gizmoplex, Kinga's happy her Kingadome has become so successful, and even says she's done more in her family's tradition of "unpleasant entertainment" than anyone else. 
That's where Pearl suggests Kinga join her in a vacation in the Time Bag. Hostile takeover attempt, maybe?
Also, they may screw up time and erase the experiment from existence...or be forced to become Dr. Pearl and TV's Kinga.

Well, that's sometime in the not too distant future, but it's a chance for Max and the two Synthias to mind the store. That should make things interesting. Besides, maybe Emily winds up running the show.   

The host segments were pretty good, as they spoofed exposition events and how one of the kids was dubbed. 
Then Dr. Donna St. Phibes came back with results of the crew's physicals. The results were rather odd, especially Jonah apparently having robot parts inside him (because one of his family members is someone called Chuck E. Cheese). Maybe this is a ploy by the doc to be alone with Jonah, since at the end of season 12 she did fancy him a bit (it's OK, they're married in real life). 

                                        

Maybe it's a moot point. She feeds the "giant brain" from the 2018 Live Tour, but suddenly becomes its lunch. If she survived this, it may prove SHE has an interesting relative called TV's Frank, who's had his share of physical abuse.

It ends with a rousing Irish drinking song about Jiger. Actually, this episode has many interesting musical moments. The crew sings several inaccurate English translations of the Gamera song, but also sell a plaintive song where Gamera reflects on his life battling monsters for his kiddie friends. 

By the way, it's the original version because the credits weren't in English. It also started with a "best of Gamera" reel, but could that really be true? 
Also, the monsters didn't get anywhere near Expo 70 because the organizers drew the line at that.

Now, riff time...

Keisuke tells Hiroshi about the statue:  "Its purpose is a mystery"
Like the Cats movie

The statue is moved
That's one big Pez dispenser

Jiger wakes up
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

Then meets Gamera
How do I let you know if I'm a Triceratops or a Tricerabottom?

The fight they have is...rather repetitive
What's the feeling you get when you've seen a giant monster battle before? Kaiju Vu?

Gamera painfully tries to remove the arrows Juger shot at him  

Never kink shame Gamera

The kids try to remove whatever Jiger injected into him
This is the most stressful game of Operation ever

There's also riffs on Coors, the Buffy movie (happy 30th), MASH, Yo Gabba Gabba, one of Gamera's past friends....and Cornjob!

After big monsters dominated July, it looks like "super" "heroes" will take over August. The featured movie will be The Batwoman, a Mexican "adaptation" that might be too sexy for this show.

Meanwhile, Synthia's Selects will include Prince of Space, some Neptune men, a Ninja, and (this I SHOULD have seen coming) a more quaint Batwoman who battles a fake Mexican villain. 

The next tribute will look at Pumaman August fifth, and it may be a better print or (horrors) the uncut version.
Still, no Sampson against vampire women?

     I WILL KILL AGAAAAAAIINNNN!

Bride of the Gorilla, As Seen By Rifftrax and ICWXP

Recently, Rifftrax took on Bride of the Gorilla, with a pre-Perry Mason Raymond Burr as a guy who thinks he's turning into a gorilla after killing his boss and marrying his wife. It also includes Lon Chaney Jr. as the local sheriff who suspects something but can't prove it. Ironside, he ain't

This is the second time RT has taken on a movie that was previously riffed by Rikk Wolf and Incognito Cinema Warriors XP (the other time was Bloody Pit of Horror, which also included a short that Rifftrax approached in a live show).

Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl riffed this movie in their usually gossipy and amusing way. They told a lot of TV jokes, along with ape humor including Planet of the Apes.

The ICW version was more aggressive with jokes that still had a punch even after a decade. The only difference in these two versions is who's riffing on this movie, housewives or frat guys.
The Rifftrax version is also more complete. ICW's version. It cut a big chunk after Barney came home from the jungle the first time. Pity, since it shows Burr as a decent leading man.

Also, it's next to impossible to get a copy of the ICW version. Good thing I got it more than a decade ago, just after Rifftrax was getting off the ground.

So, time to compare riffs:

The jungle stock footage includes a leopard

RT:  And to think I once worked with Cary Grant
ICW:  It ain't easy being cheesy

Burr as Barney shows up

RT: Boy, do I hate Hamilton Burger
ICW:  It looks like the pool boy's in for a treat

After Barney gets poisoned by an old lady and her plant, he seems to think his hand's turning into a gorilla

RT:  I set the tanning bed to "George Hamilton" again
ICW:  I'm rotting again

A guy claims a monster killed a bunch of men:  "It was big and red"

RT:  Ed Sheeran?
ICW:  The Kool-Aid Man strikes again

Barney explains to Dina why he won't leave the jungle:  "I'm happy out there in the jungle"

RT:  Upton Sinclair had it all wrong
ICW:  It's got fun and games, and you got no money and it has your disease (best riff of both versions)

The Rifftrax version also has comments on Jane Goodall, Elvis, Vermeer, Death Cab For Cutie, and Fruit Loops.

Check out Rifftrax's feature on the website. As for the ICW version, it's no longer for sale, but if you know a guy....

It's The Rifftrax League Vs. Batman and Superman

It wasn't too long ago that the Rifftrax trio of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett would riff for hours against bad movies. They did their best against James Cameron extra-long blockbusters like Titanic and Avatar.

However, they're not the marathon riffers they used to be. That's why they recruited a lot of help when they decided to take on Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. The crew included Mike's wife Bridget, former adversaries Mary Jo Pehl, Trace Beaulieu and Frank Coniff, Sketchfest bigwigs Janey Varney and Cole Stratton, Brit riffers Ian Potter and Matthew J. Elliott, and writers Conor Lawstoka and Sean Thomason.
Or it could be the movie has too much bad for three guys to handle.

Doesn't matter, because this was one of the best riffs in years. It's also a change of pace from battling the latest Star Wars movies.
The plot, of course, is Batman and Superman having some disagreement on how to deal with the bad guys, while Earth seems to be scared of having a Man of Steel around. Add Lex Luthor as the Joker exploiting the situation, and a woman who saves the movie while the guys wonder what just happened, and you have this movie.

Each "team" takes a chunk of the movie and riffs away. Each has its own style, but Conor and Sean are just hilarious in their first movie. Unleashing them on Justice League or any B movie would be a good idea.
Also, Trace and Frank's chunk is almost like their podcast show, only with video. They're the "lucky" guys who see Batman ask Superman why he said he has to save Martha (which turns out to be the dumbest turning point in any comic book movie ever). Frank even wonders why Rifftrax hates him and Trace. Uh, you guys exposed Mike to Coleman Francis, for starters.

Anyway, let's look at the best riffs from each of the teams:
First, the Rifftrax trio's first turn

Young Bruce Wayne runs from a funeral
This must be where he's bitten by a radioactive bat

A woman says Superman caused a major disaster..."So many dead"
Santa Claus. We never should have let him down the chimney

Then Sean and Conor:

Bruce visits his parents' crypt
This is where they keep all the footage from that Nicholas Cage Superman movie

Cole and Janet:

Lex, Clark and Bruce attempt to banter
It's like if the Marx Brothers were awful

Bruce and Diana meet and talk about what he placed at Luthor's party
What's the opposite of chemistry because that's what these two have.

Matt and Ian:

Mrs.Kent to Superman:  People hate what they don't understand
Like the new Twin Peaks

They comment on how Bruce is training with tires
You can get tires delivered through Amazon Prime
I thought Wonder Woman was Amazon Prime

Bridget and Mary Jo:

Clark talks to the ghost of his dad, especially how saving his family farm seriously destroyed another nearby
Clark to Dad: Did the nightmares ever stop?
Robin Hood haunted me for years.

Lex pushes Lois Lane off a tall building. Superman saves her
I was expecting Christopher Reeve

Diana looks through the download she got from Bruce
She's googling Lynda Carter

Trace and Frank:

Batman tries to shoot Superman
Where does he get all those meaningless toys?

Then the Martha scene, where Batman yells "Why did you say that name?"
It begins with bad screen writing

Finally, the RT guys finish it off:

Superman's death scene:
I'm dying but at least I'll never have to meet Aquaman.

There's also riffs on lots of  subjects including Charlie Rose, Golden Corral (again), Steve Mnuchin, Bob's Big Boy, Casablanca, Joss Whedon, Trivago and Steve Bannon.

Actually, having a riffing "relay race" gives all the riffers a chance to shine. Maybe they can do this again when Last Jedi is likely to be released on home video next spring.
The mp3 riff of Batman v Superman is now available at the website

Riffing Housewives Wonder What Is Beyond Christmas

After riffing on Christmas movies with Santa Claus, the Real Housewives of Rifftrax (Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson) decide to take on a fantasy movie about three rich guys who help a young couple during Christmas....even after death.

The movie was made by RKO in 1940, and was more or less a "B" movie with people that movie fans may know. It does include Richard Carlson, aka the murderous jazz pianist from "Tormented".

Anyway, the movie is about three rich guys who toss out wallets with $10 in them, and whoever returns them can have a drink with them for Christmas. They also throw in a maid who apparently was an exiled member of Russian royalty or something.
A guy from Texas named Jimmy who can sing, and a teacher named Jean, pick up the wallets,and it's not long before they become a family.

When the old guys die in a plane crash, their ghosts reunite at their house. Jimmy and Jean learn the guys left them some bonds to secure their future.

Problem is, Jimmy meets a girl named Arlene who assists in Jimmy's singing career. He starts to ignore Jean, and it looks like Arlene will get her hooks on him.

As for the old ghosts, they're not able to find a miser to teach him the importance of Christmas or at least Mankind should be his business. They're called to Heaven, and one of them, Michael, tries to stay on Earth to help Jimmy.

Then we get the ending where Jimmy's shot by Arlene's  ex-husband, and apparently dies at the operating table. He's able to talk to Michael, who convinces his to go back to Jean. After some "divine intervention", Jimmy lives and Michael heads up the Stairway to Heaven.

The movie is really sentimental but they should have moved the scene where Jimmy and Jean get the bonds to the end, as a divine reward. Anyway, Rifftrax got this because the movie was originally colorized for Legend Films, the company's old name, more than a decade ago.

As usual, Bridget and Mary Jo have a relaxed approach to bad movies, as if they were two Midwestern moms amused by what they see. We will see if they have the same attitude towards Batman v. Superman this week.

Riff time:

Jimmy enters the old guys' apartment returning the wallet
Run! It's a fancy cannibal trap.

The ghosts of the rich guys reunite
Thanks for not turning the phone to airport mode, Steve

Something is about to happen, and Michael looks worried
When you realize you look like Porky Pig

Jean begs Jimmy to come back to her
Tom Stewart killed me, emotionally

There are also riffs on Clue, Patrick Swayze, how telegrams were old-fashioned texts, Seinfeld and TV's Frank.

Beyond Christmas is currently available on the Rifftrax website, along with other holiday shorts including new ones on an off-brand version of Frosty the Snowman and holiday traditions around the world.

Surf's...uh Shorts Up As Rifftrax Live Does Summer

It wasn't exactly a Catalina Caper, but Rifftrax Live had some fun under the sun (or at least indoors) by riffing on a new set of shorts this past week in Nashville, TN,

It wasn't quite as star-studded as last June's reunion, but at least the original Mads (Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff) came. Also Paul F. Tompkins showed up as the ultimate Boatnik and the Real Housewives of Rifftrax, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl (with really short hair), also made it.
As far as the subject matter, the shorts attempt to educate, but in weird ways. "Sentinels for Security", for example, starts with the Armed Forces, a cop and a fireman outside a house, hoping to protect the homeowner from himself. That's followed by people hurting themselves and blowing up their homes.

Then there's "Ricky Raccoon Shows The Day", where a family who just bought a house learns a really big bear-like raccoon is included.

He then gives lessons in traffic safety that even make mom and dad dance. Sometimes he pops in and out in strange places. The Rifftraxers can only say "This new It movie is terrifying".
For the record, I'll choose one riff from each of the shorts.

Anyway, the Mads look at Office Etiquette, where a young girl has her first office job. A lot of their comments were at how the job could be a drudge, but were stunned to see a female worker snacking while working: "What is this job doing to you? That's an eraser."

Then came the short of the night: "Rhythmic Ball Skills". It features kids dropping and catching balls sitting, standing, spinning and even under the leg. It's the exercise version of Setting Up A Room.

Or, as Bill put it, "After this, Michelle Obama came out in favor of childhood obesity." At least "Perc! Pop! Sprinkle!" was about something and had better music.

Mary Jo and Bridget took on "The Griper", one of those Centron shorts that Josh Way usually mocks. It's about a conscience who complains about a teen who really complains. Of course, he learned it from his family. It's rather odd this grumpy teen literally affects everything in his high school, or a literal Girl Next Door tries to set him straight. The girls have some bright and snarky comments about the teen, especially when he ruins English class by preventing everyone from acting out scenes from Hedwig and the Angry Inch (according to them).

That was followed by "A Touch of Magic" that features the return of Nuveena and the Weird Masked Guy from "Design for Dreaming." Of course, it's a General Motors short plugging their new cars for 1961. The cars move forward on a carpet of white balloons, or as Paul puts it, "Time to take out our shown enemy, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.". The couple also have a housewarming party with invisible guests, and load the Frigidaire dishwasher by throwing dishes at it. Weird,

The final short, "The Baggs," was the strangest of all.

It's what would happen if Santa Claus turned into a junk collector, and he picks up two burlap bags that come to life, run around, and finally rows away into the sunset. Best riff: "The two dancers inside the bag are nude, and one of them is Lena Dunham." If you listen real close, they seem to diss a show that ran for nine seasons but later found its way to Netflix. Sound familiar?

There was also a clip reel of the best moments from all 300+ shorts. Naturally shorts like "Shake Hands With Danger" and "Mr. B Natural" were included, along with Norman Krasner's Living Hell. Too bad they left out "Live and Learn", "Drugs Are Like That" and "Measuring Man", but they should be seen to be believed.

It was a fine evening of weird shorts, and a nice set-up to the big summer event, "The Five Doctors", coming in August. So far, we know from Nerdist the old Cybermen costumes were Jiffy Pop with legs. That might be considered "mercy".

MST3K Redux: What Would Women Think Of Angels' Revenge?

When Mike Nelson and his MST3K crew mocked Angels' Revenge, which was Charlie's Angels disguised as The Dirty Dozen, they emphasized the absurdity of these women thinking they can bring down a drug ring through physical means (mainly through their cleavage and fighting in bikinis). They also talked a lot about how familiar faces had to do this movie to keep their flagging careers going, including Alan Hale Jr., Arthur Godfrey, Peter Lawford, and future Oscar winner Jack Palance.

When the Riffing Housewives, Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson, took this on, they just showed what they think such women would be concerned about while battling the drug dealers. Otherwise, it's a brutal pummeling on an example of "jiggle TV" as a movie. As Mary Jo asks at one point, "Are 90% of all Hollywood movies written by eleven year old boys?" She thinks that's how this movie was made. It's no coincidence all the male actors were in the credits before the women with the bigger roles were mentioned.

The story is about Michelle Wilson, a popular singer who learns her brother was beaten up by a drug pusher who got him hooked. She teams up with April, his teacher, who has a plan to destroy a processing plant outside of Los Angeles. The teacher uses the singer's fame to get the crew she needs, filled with expertise and breasts.
Mary Jo doubts the wisdom of this:  "You need a hit song to call the cops?"
Be grateful Ocean's 8 will have better actresses and writing, but then upset most men will see no difference between that and this movie.

What's interesting about this version is that it includes 15 minutes that was cut by MST for time and maybe dignity. There's a montage of the girls "training," but it's shown in three separate boxes, Once the girls pose in their mostly white jump suits, Bridget asks, "So what are they supposed to do after Labor Day?" For those who don't get that, just Google "wearing white clothes after Labor Day".

Another section that wasn't shown on MST is where Elaine, the cop, reported to her boss (Neville Brand) about the girls. The first scene is OK, but the second featured two of the girls giving him the drugs they seized still wearing bikinis. It's not exactly undercover work, but it's supposed to appeal to the men with eleven-year-old brains who wanted this movie.
Also, remember the scene where the girls bathe in their underwear after they blow up the plant? MST also cut away after that, but Rifftrax revealed the girls were held at gunpoint by some goons until April saves them thanks to a nearby helmet.

Now let's compare riffs. In some cases, the guys are meaner. In others, the girls are

Michelle's rear end is shown from above as she's climbing a ladder
MST:  Hey, you're giving away the plot
RT:  Spanx for the view

April and Keiko approach the drug processing camp
MST:  They're attacking a Klingon language camp
RT:  I didn't know they had auto shop in colonial Williamsburg

April:  "Women can make a difference"
RT:  If properly trained
MST:  The director wrote that so he could get laid

April slams her fist on a table
RT:  Meanwhile, Sally Hansen plots revenge
MST:  We will, like, bury you
(Combine them both, and it's a superior riff)

At a foggy beach, the girls meet one of the drug ring's goons and talks to Terry, an African-American stunt woman:  "Do you play basketball?"
MST:  This is offending one-celled animals
RT:  Sexist, racist, height-ist, AND NOT FUNNY

The girls bathe under a waterfall after blowing up the plant
MST:  And now, ladies and gentlemen, the reason this movie was made
RT:  Behold the waterfall of men's tears

The girls did recycle  two riffs from the original version, Those who saw both know which ones. There were also riffs on Rose Kennedy, La-La Land, Chevy Chase and the J. Geils Band.

You can get Angels Revenge at Rifftrax's website, and volume 2 of MST3K DVD set re-issued by Shout Factory.

Rifftrax and MST3K Unite For A Classic Night of Riffing

When Mystery Science Theater 3000 co-creator Joel Hodgson was interviewed by Vulture six years ago, he was asked if there was a possibility he might do something with his former riffing colleagues at Rifftrax. He said that "I think anything’s possible, but I thought it might get confusing to try to merge them together or do crossover projects. I would never rule it out because it’s all kind of the same universe," but he admitted Rifftrax was a different thing.
This past Tuesday at the State Theater in Minneapolis, though, Joel did get together with Rifftrax, along with the former Mads and the new MST3K host to create a very successful night of movie riffing.

It was a good mix of very funny shorts, and the riffing by the casts went smoothly just like it did in the Sketchfest in San Francisco. Joel was joined by Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Mary Jo Pehl, Bridget Nelson and Kevin Murphy from Rifftrax, Trace Beaulieu and TV's Frank Conniff (who now have their own movie riffing routine), and new MST3K host Jonah Ray.
The Rifftrax crew took one of its early shorts, Shake Hands With Danger, and The Talking Car, about a kid who is being judged on traffic safety by three cars..in a dream. While the crew at Incognito Cinema Warriors XP did a much better job with that short in the DVD, "Bloody Pit of Horror", the Rifftraxers were very funny, too. When the kid sees he's in a dream, Kevin says "Welcome to Antartica's first car show". There's also jokes on '70s cop shows, The Godfather and a certain complaint about the new Ghostbusters movie.
Then Mary Jo and Bridget did their take on "Word To The Wives", a short on how a housewife cons her husband into buying a newer home. The print for the show was actually pretty faded compared to the Rifftrax version, but most of the jokes were still there. I had reviewed this before in my blog on the emergence of the two gals as Rifftrax's Dymanic Duo.
Trace and Frank took on "More Dates For Kay", and they just KILLED here. They commented on how Kay, who looks really plain, got a lot of dates through good grooming and being really helpful. They were mostly puzzled how she got so popular.
Then, the past and the future got their chance, Jonah and Joel riffed on a short that praised barbers and beauticians. They especially noticed how one of the barbers looked like Frankenstein while a pedicurist might have been Annette Funicello. Jonah was very good in his riffs and worked well with Joel. Jonah will do just fine when he's shot into space. Just ask Frank,

Soon, everyone united to riff on a short called "Stamp Day For Superman." It was part Superman episode, part propaganda to get people to buy US Saving Stamps and Savings Bonds. It's really quaint seeing Lois Lane tied to a chair after getting tricked by a robber, but at least she came up with a way to get Superman to help her, The crew got in very funny riffs, especially on Rondo Hatton and someone who hates Spider-Man.

However, that wasn't the end. They did an encore with "At Your Fingertips: Grasses". The crew kept the original riffs but they still paid off even though they were being read by other people. The original version is part of the live Reefer Madness event.
It was a perfect way to celebrate the tenth anniversary of Rifftrax, and launch the new era of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was hoping Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt would crash the place and let everyone know they were the new sheriffs in town. They might get their chance when Joel is expected to reveal more info on the new MST at Comic-Con in three weeks.

There were the usual jokes in the pre-show slides, including one that claims Minions are shaved Pikachus (but the Minion language isn't quite Japanese). It did include several MST3K songs including two version of the opening theme, A Patrick Swayze Christmas and the Let Me Be Frank About Frank (which was also dedicated to Frank Zappa). That was a nice touch.

The MST3K reunion show will likely be available to the general public sometime this fall. Rifftrax also revealed its next show will be Mothra on August 18th. It's a widescreen print of the story about how some tiny fairies from a mysterious island get kidnapped, and a really big moth gets angry and shoves some cars around in Tokyo.
One more thing: WUCW, which used to be KTMA (the original home for MST3K), was there for a press conference of the cast the day before the show. Here it is:



The reunion show will be repeated on July 12th. More info is available at rifftrax.com/live.

Rifftrax's Dynamic Duo Defies "Gravity"

Last week, Rifftrax released its take on the Oscar-winning sci-fi classic Gravity, with Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson doing the riffing honors.
I had expected Mary Jo to be stunned that Clooney, as Matt Kowalski, isn't the hero but Sandra Bullock as Ryan Stone is. Actually, they got in a few digs on Clooney, and compared Bullock's dilemmas while trying to get back to Earth to typical life in Minnesota. It was more proof that these two gals just might wind up taking over Rifftrax.

I had hoped to enjoy the riff through the updated Rifftrax Android app, but it still didn't add the riff for that movie or the first episode of Game of Thrones. For now, the best way to enjoy the riff is through the website. I still plan to see both of those features once the riffs are added to my app.

What surprised me is that they sometimes broke into song, and their choices seemed really odd. When Kowalski decides to detach himself from Stone so that she could survive, the girls started singing "My Heart Will Go On". There might be a similarity between that scene and Jack saving Rose in Titanic, but it was unusual. Also, when Stone tried to use the escape pod at the International Space Station but got caught by the debris, Bridget and Mary Jo broke into the theme song for Mary Tyler Moore. To be fair, they were hoping that Stone was "gonna make it after all". They had one more song, and we'll just say it's easy to identify. It also shows they're ready for the Reunion show in a couple of weeks.

More riffs:

Clooney as Kowalski floats into the screen
Looks like they Photoshopped his face into a terrarium

"Half of North America just lost their Facebook"
I hope my mother did

Kowalski tries to help Stone as they're both floating in space
OK, Mary Jo, he looks great but he sorta sounds like Buzz Lightyear

Stone floats around the International Space Station
And she bumps into the cast of Interstellar

She has problems getting away on part of the space station
I wish she had her own Chewbacca

There's also riffs on Uber, Trader Joe's, Carrot Top, Bullock's love life, Hamburger Helper, OK Go and another recent sci-fi movie.

Bridget and Mary Jo's experiences growing up in the Midwest gave the riff on Gravity a unique flavor, It was quite different than how Mary Jo commented on women in space when she took on Doomsday Machine for Cinematic Titanic. The girls also took in a classic example of sexist sci-fi, Catwomen of the Moon, The riff for Gravity, and lots of other movies, are available on the Rifftrax website.

Rifftrax Meets Catwomen of the Moon Without Julie Newmar or Michelle Pfeiffer

Science Fiction movies presented movie fans with incredible predictions of what life will be like in the 21st Century with moon bases, flying cars and TV's that fit in your pocket. (Guess which one wound up coming true).
However, they also provide guys with way too much reassurance that they'll always be superior to women. Movies like Queen of Outer Space, Devil Girl From Mars or the Rocky Jones movies feature brave and macho astronauts who land on a planet ruled by women who seem superior. Of course, to preserve the Movie Status Quo, the macho astronauts either defeat the alien women or take them back to Earth to turn them into the Housewives of Tomorrow.

Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 know this genre all too well, and now it's Rifftrax's turn with Catwomen of the Moon. Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson are the lucky (?) riffers who are taking on this movie, possibly to prepare them to riff on Gravity, the absolute opposite of this film. It's also one of the shortest features at 63 minutes. Thanks to a holiday discount, and an extra two-dollar discount, I decided to check it out.

A crew led by Laird (Sonny Tufts) heads to the Moon. The ship features office chairs with casters and a desk, and hammocks that are supposed to be beds. A female navigator named Helen (Marie Windsor) starts to act strangely. She even suggests where they should land on the Moon, even though it's on the Dark Side. Once the crew gets there, they discover the Catwomen who apparently want to get to Earth to stay alive...and maybe take it over, too. They also had telepathic powers that influenced Helen even before the launch. Yes, folks, the movie is suggesting whatever's happening is her fault.
Still, another of the Catwomen falls for one of the other guys and actually feels torn about the whole plot. Eventually, the Earthlings win, but how it's done is treated as an afterthought.
There's even an attempt at a romantic subplot between Kip and Helen, and how their "love" is used to snap her out of the spell of the Catwomen. It would have been cooler if Helen wound up being a Catwoman while one of them sides with the men, but that would have involved thought. This movie is a classic example of the They Just Didn't Care School of Film.

As I said before, fans of MST3K are quite familiar with sexist sci-fi. Project Moonbase featured a female pilot who outranked her fellow male astronaut on a mission to orbit the moon. She thinks they should try to land, but she gets shot down because she's a girl. When they do land because of a stowaway who tries to sabotage the mission, she not only has to marry the guy but he's promoted to Brigadier General. The movie, of course, also makes sure she's really incompetent. No wonder Servo is disgusted at the end.
Then there's Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Another group of brave men land on a newly-discovered moon. It turns out the moon is a male fantasy with sexy women who dance but really belong in a Hercules movie. The only two threats occur when one of the girls is chosen for sacrifice, and a furry monster appears for 20 seconds to be killed. It ends with one of the women coming back to Earth, no doubt to become a Housewife of Tomorrow.
Sharp-eyed fans also recognize Helen as Marie Windsor, who played Josie in Swamp Diamonds. She was the one was "doing a nickle at UPS" with Beverly Garland.

This time, though, we have two smart and witty women who rip this piece of futuristic chauvinism a new one. So, riffing time:

Catwomen of the Moon
Single and Loving It

One of the crew wears a hazmat suit to try to resolve a major problem:
This is what it's like when you have to clear your junior high boy's bedroom. (The description is even funnier).

Then he comes out
Try new Man in a Can.

They head to the cave that Helen led them to...somehow. "Exactly as I dreamed, or did I? Maybe this is the dream"
Elaine May in Inception,

Helen wonders why the guys think the aliens are automatically evil. "Why can't we expect love and friendship instead of death?"
We're Americans.

One of the guys stares at one of the Catwomen
Acting or coma?

There's also riffs on Elton John, Grazing In The Grass, Tang, Peyton Place, HDTV, Catholic schools and City Limits (mainly who's in it).

If you'd like to see this "movie" and other Rifftrax selections, visit the website at rifftrax.com. It includes the mp3 riff of Glitter, aka Mariah Carey's version of A Star Is Born.  She and Bridget will be part of the MST3K Reunion from Minneapolis. Tickets to the broadcast on June 28th are available at the Fathom Events website.

Rifftrax at the SF Sketchfest or the Dress Rehearsal to the MST3K Reunion

Suffering for me, fun for you--Rifftrax's new slogan (thanks, Kevin)

In two months, thousands of fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will gather at theaters near them to see history being made: Mike Nelson joining Joel Hodgson and Jonah Ray mocking bad movies in the ultimate passing of the torch. Not only that, most of the MST alumni will be there...and maybe two people that represent the future (fingers still crossed).

What will it be like to see up to ten people riffing at once? Actually, those who attended the San Francisco Sketchfest already got a good idea three months ago when Rifftrax had its annual Night of the Shorts. The event was released for streaming this week.

While it's the longest VOD offering Rifftrax has ever offered at just over two hours, the show only features seven shorts. Actually, one short is several depressing scenes from a marriage in Canada, and another is part of a 1949 serial with Batman and Robin. It was a chance to mock a superhero that was expected to make a big splash in the movies two months later. He wound up making something else, but that's another rant.

Actually, the selection of shorts is a very good sample of the kinds of shorts that Rifftrax offers on its website. The Trouble With Women and One Got Fat are from the first two DVD collections, while Dining Together was a Thanksgiving offering from last year that would really fit well (?) with Fun in Balloonland. It's too bad the narrator for Dining Together is more stiff than the voice of IBM's Watson. The drunk narrator from Balloonland would have been better.

The short that got the most attention was David and Hazel, a Canadian feature that shows how important it is to communicate. It's about a husband who stops at nothing to avoid talking to his wife, even when he's worried he'll lose his job in a merger. He gets upset when his wife serves roast beef ("What do you think we are, millionaires?", a line that generated lots of riffs), but can't talk to his son (although it could be that he was born with lockjaw). This was shown in two parts, with Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson riffing on part one (and showing what "great pals" they are) and Janet Varney and Cole Stratton taking on part two. It's safe to say this short was more tedious and depressing than Setting Up A Room in last year's Sketchfest.
They also mentioned Kevin and Bill made their own version of the last scene:



A short on improving pronunciation is "disguised" as a TV show with teens talking about stuff in a groovy way. The host explains how some teens are smudgers and grunters, which doesn't sound as cool as being a Rocker or a Mod. One of the riffers describes it as "Sesame Street if the Muppets were weirder looking". The fact the host uses the teens' mispronounced words against them doesn't help, either.

The real test, though, was bringing all the riffers back to take on chapter three of the Batman and Robin serial, "Robin's Wild Ride". Apparently that took place when their villain, the Wizard, hijacked their car by remote control.

Usually I single out some riffs, and this will be no exception. The live riffs for Trouble With Women and One Got Fat weren't changed that much compared to the original. However, Bill got in a "Gamergate" riff for the first, and an Eminem riff on the other.
Here's a couple from Dining Together, recreating way too many typical holiday dinners:
It's like chewing a piece of grandma
Daddy says you're easy. What does that mean?

On David and Hazel, he explains how he keeps his wife in the dark about his problems:
Just gotta keep her heavily sedated.
Or how he deals with his son having to choose between his paper route and the track team:
"Who do you think is going to help you make up your own mind when you're a man?"
Mommy?
There's also riffs on Glenn Miller, Requiem For A Dream and Cheers.

As for the Batman and Robin short, let's start with them puzzled that there are opening credits in front of them:
Holy Typography!
The DVD gets stalled in the middle, leaving the cast lost on what to do next.
"Somebody kick the DVD. Still faster than David and Hazel". Janet does volunteer to be a jury, but Cole says they're Two Angry Men short.
The best riff was when the Wizard's men hijacked a truck by pretending to have car trouble.
Why is the engine wearing a little gangster hat? Ah, gangsters!
There's also riffs on James Franco, Thomas the Tank Engine and Spencer's Gifts.

Aside from the stalled DVD, the riffing for the last short was pretty smooth. It's a great dress rehearsal for what's coming June 28th. The Sketchfest is available here, and the Rifftrax website has more shorts and movies available.
Also a reminder, the live riffing for Time Chasers is coming May 5th, about the same time some superhero movie gets an early premiere. Well, the heck with costumed guys who can't get along. They'll have to wait while we see if time travel is possible with a Commodore 64. Tickets for Time Chasers are available at the Fathom Events website.

Rifftrax Kickstarter 2016: Forresters, Nuveena and Time Chasers Live

This is a tough choice for the average American:  how should you spend your upcoming tax refund?
Support a candidate of your choice?
Buy Girl Scout Cookies?
Set a ten dollar bill on fire, which would be the same experience of Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice without going to see it?

Well, take that ten dollar bill and whatever you set aside from Samoas or Thin Mints or Marco Rubio and give to Rifftrax's Kickstarter campaign today.

What would be the best reason to do so?
The second show on June 28th will feature many alumni from Mystery Science Theater 3000, including the Mads, Trace Beaulieu and TV's Frank Coniff, and Rifftrax's Real Housewives of Riffing, Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl. It all takes place at the State Theater in Minneapolis, which was the site of a couple of MST3K conventions back in the Comedy Central days.

The gang from the new MST3K (also brought to you by Kickstarter) have been invited, and maybe another familiar face will arrive (coughJOELcough). Besides, if there's ever a time for Kinga Forrester to show up and create the worst-case-scenario for a non-holiday family reunion, this is it. The Rifftrax troika of Mike, Kevin and Bill would welcome such a moment, as do we all.
The reunion apparently will be similar to the last Sketchfest show Rifftrax offered, where they lobbed riffs at terrible educational shorts. The difference is it'll be broadcast live in lots of theaters nationwide, then the public can get its copy by next fall.

Before that, they'll take on an old MST chestnut, Time Chasers, about a couple from Vermont who turn their airplane into a time machine. They don't wind up in a world where Bernie Sanders is president, however. That movie will be shown on May 5th, also in theaters.

The goal this time is 225 thousand dollars, which to some fans seemed a bit high. However, it's raised 167 thousand bucks in the first day, which means this is also going to succeed. The Time Chasers print is in HD, and the producer, David Giancola, is on board with the show. More shows will be scheduled after the first goal is hit.  Maybe we'll get a live version of I Believe in Santa Claus, an example of how France can also made lousy holiday movies.
Come to think of it, there IS a third Sharknado movie, right? Yeah, it's an excuse to see if they come up with riffs that are better than mine, and they definitely will. (UPDATE: it's now a moot point because they've decided not to riff that movie)
More goodies may be available, too, like maybe new mp3 riffs on certain blockbusters (Hello, Gods of Egypt).

Of course, there are bonuses for contributors. It includes downloads of Time Chasers and the MST3K show, t-shirts, autographed stuff, the chance to write a riff, and even get your own jingle thanks to Kevin.

For more info, head to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/rifftrax/rifftrax-live-2016-mst3k-reunion-time-chasers-live/description.

The Other Rifftrax Christmas

Fans of Rifftrax have already spent their holiday season seeing the revised version of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, with Jack and the Beanstalk as the story in the middle. Many people enjoyed it, especially Jack as the "discount Greg Brady" who tried to steal back a magic hen that looked more that an oddly-shaped metal football. It'll likely be sold online by February or March.

However, the riffing duo of Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl think they can do better. They made their own special that takes on two shorts and a piece of TV history. While it's great to hear them riff on Christmas, and what was the best present they ever got, I wish we should have seen them. That's what Mike, Kevin and Bill did when they presented the Magic Christmas Tree and those K. Gordon Murray shorts.

Aside from that, it's a pretty funny special, as this preview shows.




The first short is a Castle Films version of the really good version of A Christmas Carol with Alistair Sim. Some people were upset this was chosen, but we should remember no movie is safe from Rifftrax. Just ask Jaws, Casablanca, The Wizard of Oz, The Dark Knight and the good Star Wars movies. Besides, this version, as Bridget says, "edited the Dickens" out of the movie. It skips Marley and the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. Scrooge doesn't even say "Bah humbug". The girls are entitled.

Besides, some of the riffs are pretty funny.

The Ghost of Christmas Past shows up
Who you gonna call? All-female Ghostbusters.

Tiny Tim says, "God bless us everyone"
Oh, shut up and drink your gin..

They also think the second ghost looks very familiar, and have riffs on Artemis Gordon and Meryl Streep.

The TV clip had Dean Martin singing Marshmallow World with two Golddiggers jumping up and down. Mary Jo and Bridget claim it's them, but people may wonder why Dean wings it. Remember, he never rehearsed anything on his show. That worked more often than you think.
There's also a car commercial from 1986 that impresses Mary Jo.

The other short was another Castle film, The Little Lamb, about a lamb that made history by being Jesus' first blanket. It features an angel telling shepherds about the birth of Jesus...and he sounds like another famous dad. Bridget also imitates Mary, saying frankincense is a strange gift for a baby.

At $3.50, it's a nice holiday bargain, and shows again why Mary Jo and Bridget are Rifftrax's Dynamic Duo. They'll also be part of Rifftrax's annual visit to the SF Sketchfest (which hopefully will be taped and available to fans, as it was last year). Rifftrax has lots of other holiday offerings from a Rankin Bass special and The Star Wars Holiday Special,  to a live riff of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and a new movie where Santa has to save a kid's parents from kidnappers in Africa....really! Click here to check them out...and Merry Christmas.

In A Not-Too-Alternative Future, What If MST3K Still Existed?

As the revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000 revival  is poised to hit its first goal of $2 Million, let's take a look at what he said during his second update on Kickstarter:

If MST3K hadn't gotten canceled fifteen years ago, it’s possible we could have had 4 or 5 hosts by now, and it would be just like Doctor Who: even if you had "your Doctor," you'd still be able to appreciate the different flavors that each new Host or Mad or robot added to the show. It's part of what makes a show like Doctor Who or SNL last. I’m a Tom Baker fan myself, and no one is funnier than Dan Aykroyd. (To me.)

When I first left MST3K and Mike took over as host, some of you said you were done watching – not because he was bad, but because he was different. Then, once the shock wore off, a lot of you realized he brought something new and great to the job. Many of you even liked his episodes better! And when Kevin took over as Tom Servo, there was hate mail, but for many of you he became the definitive Servo! I could go on.

So yeah, we've been through this before, and I get it. Different can be scary, especially if you really loved the old seasons. But just think: if you had never given Mike or Kevin or Bill or Frank or Mary Jo a chance in their roles, you'd have almost 100 fewer episodes of MST3K to enjoy today. I'm not asking you to like the next cast better than the last one, but I hope you'll give them a chance, and see what they can do.

Then, when their time is up, I hope you'll give the next cast a chance too.

So, let’s speculate how (and maybe when)  there would have been changes of the guard at MST if it stayed on the air on SyFy.

It’s safe to say they’d never run out of bad films. We can assume real gems like Hideous Sun Demon, The Bermuda Triangle, Supersonic Man, ROTOR, Braniac, Rock and Roll Nightmare, Birdemic,  and Death Promise would have been experiments on the show.

First, how long would Mike Nelson stay on the Satellite of Love? Let’s say he stays until 2004, or about ten years aboard the ship. The Nanites are still busy maintaining the ship and keeping it up-to-date.

On the final episode of season 15, where they take on The Day The World Ended, Pearl tries to kill Mike because she’s got nothing better to do. Bobo and the Observer try to stop her, but she tries to kill them. So, the Observer uses his brain power that’s boosted thanks to his brain soaking in Red Bull. He zaps Mike to safety, or actually next to Nuveena. They spend the rest of their lives in that Designs for Dreaming short. It also blows up Observer's brain, so he's just a chalky-looking alien.  Pearl, though, is zapped into the Satellite of Love, which means she has to endure the bad movies Bobo and Observer give her.

MARY JO PEHL:  2004-2008

The picture is from the "Quest of the Delta Knights" episode.
During Pearl’s time, she’s angry at this new situation, and tries to find ways to take control of the SOL. Naturally, she’s very hostile towards Crow and Servo, but this changes in time, and they all try to plot against Bobo and Observer, It also looks like Bobo is the dominant mad scientist, while Observer slowly regains his intellect but not all of his powers.
This continues until she starts to feel strange. The bots claim she’s having conversations with her son Clayton, but only she is there. It turns out she absorbed Clayton when he was a star baby, and now Pearl starts looking like her son. At one point, Trace Beaulieu cameos as Pearl. Eventually, she has an extra head that looks like her son, and they actually riff in a segment in the season 19 finale. The two-headed Forrester, though, is able to take control of the SOL and land it. They and the bots chase after Bobo and Observer, and that’s the end.

Or is it? 

COLE AND JANET:  2008-2011

A couple, played by Rifftrax vets Cole Stratton and Janet Varney, go inside the SOL and accidentally launch it into space. Bobo and Observer get back, but don’t mention what happened to Pearl or the bots. However, Servo and Crow suddenly show up in the third episode, thinking Cole and Janet need a little help in the riffing (or the bots feel threatened). Bobo and Observer show the lousy movies because, mainly, it’s all they know. They do give Cole and Janet satellite TV and a modest salary in exchange for doing the experiments, and they readily agree because it sure beats getting a job. They also happen to be fans of movie mocking. There’s also romance, which really worries the bots because they’re afraid they may have to babysit eventually. 

There is a 20^th anniversary show, where they re-riff the first episode, The Crawling Eye. We find out Pearl got rid of the second head, and it’s being used for scientific experiments and displayed a la Futurama. As for her, a shadowy group keep her contained, fearing what she’ll do next. Actually, she’s back to her old self, but the group just likes to lock people away. The staff includes a guy who looks suspiciously like Dr. Ehrhardt, who says he never liked Pearl. The 20th season also includes cameos from Joel, and even Mike and Bridget, who’s had enough of their “Design for Dreaming”. They do mention they created something new called Rifftrax. The bots say it’ll never work…without them. Then Mike introduces the bots to Kevin and Bill. 

They continue until 2011 when that shadowy group is revealed as CORPS, which includes a soldier named Rikk.  It takes over and ends the experiment. Cole and Janet decide (or are forcefully encouraged) to join CORPS, while Bobo and the Observer are taken somewhere.  As for Crow and Servo, they’re turned off, and placed on a shelf. However, unknown hands take them, and the person says, “Don’t worry, I’ll take you to Joel. He’ll know what to do.” This is signaled as SyFy’s decision to close MST for good, but a massive social media campaign changes its mind, sort of.

RIKK WOLF:  2012-2015

They try a new version called “Cinematic Titanic” in 2012, but the pilot doesn’t work. So, since SyFy only has the rights to the title of the show, it tries something completely different: it changes the premise to a soldier trapped in a zombie invasion, and finding an abandoned movie theater. Yep, it’s Incognito Cinema Warriors with Rikk Wolf of CORPS, Johnny Cylon and Topsybot 5000. SyFy figures changing the show and adding an edge would create new interest. After all, if Comedy Central could continue The Man Show without  Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, then MST3K with new people would be the same thing, right?

Well, yes and no. The MST fans give Rikk and his bots a fair chance, but after two and a half years, and lots of cast changes and premise changes (especially who would be their nemesis), the show ends with the zombies breaking through. Some of them look familiar, like Joel, Mike, TV's Frank, the bots….and Pearl. However, they just wanted to go inside and see the movie.  Rikk, Cylon and Topsybot sneak out, but the theater is suddenly blown to pieces by a rogue CORPS squadron. Rikk joins them, and the show ends the way it began.

Suddenly a shadowy figure says, “For the past two and a half years, you had been watching a show that pretended to be Mystery Science Theater 3000. Mark my words, there will come a day where the true experiment will return. I am the new Dr. Forrester, and I will be your master, driving you insane through bad movies. It will work this time. I will not fail…ah, who am I kidding? Sharknado and that movie about a Werewolf Whale prove you can take anything. Some of you even made bad movies so you could mock them. Still, you want the real thing, and I will give it to you. Just be patient. I just need the right subject…and those bots.”

Then another shadowy figure appears, with a big box.
The screen goes black, but a hashtag appears:  #BringBacktheRealMST3K. 

So, that's how MST3K would have survived if there were plenty of TV executives who get it. Now, other fans would have had different ideas on who would have hosted after Mike Nelson, but I based my choices on Rifftrax and ICWXP. You're welcome to suggest who'd be better. 

Oh, and Joel has confirmed that Jonah Ray will likely be the next captain of the Satellite of Love now that three episodes are guaranteed. Apparently they met at the Nerdist podcast, and they talked about MST3K. Apparently Jonah won the job after he did an impression of Joel pretending to be him, and getting to know each other. Anyway, his TV name will be "Jonah Heston", and theoretically, this is what he'll be doing next year:

Hopefully,  he'll be part of the Turkey Day marathon next week.