Monday, January 5, 2009

Mike Nelson's Movie Year In Review

It can be condensed into two movies: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Batman: The Dark Knight. One dashed everyone's hopes, and the other got everyone's money.

No matter...both were targeted by Rifftrax, the movie goers' avenging angel. You can tell the former crew of the Satellite of Love, Sci-Fi Channel edition, took on these movies because they wanted to remind people to never believe the hype. It doesn't matter if a movie lives up to the hype, just don't believe it. That especially goes for TDK, which earned close to a billion dollars but not the respect of the Oscar members, except for Heath Ledger's performance. That was one of those performances that should get respect, no matter what the rest of the movie was like.

Anyway, Rifftrax took on TDK by being skeptical about whether it was the greatest movie ever because it was a comic-book movie that delivered, and then some. Lord know what Mike will do to Watchmen if it makes one false move. We already know The Spirit will be a bloodbath when Mike gets a hand of that film. Anyway, I saw TDK with the Rifftrax treatment last night. I will feature only a few riffs to give you an idea of what to expect..

The Joker shows his face for the first time: Joan Rivers?

Batman's voice: Is there a piece of almond stuck in his throat?

Harvey Dent's classic line, "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain": (tweet) Foreshadowing penalty!

Bruce kisses Rachel (Maggie Gyllenhaal): I wish I know how to quit you...r brother.

There are three others too good to repeat here, but they involve the director, what Batman does from above, and Frank Miller. I do have this response to the Joker's classic line, "This town deserves a better brand of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to them": I'm bringing in Barry Bonds.

Finally, as Harvey Dent threatens Commissioner Gordon's family, he explains why he doesn't believe in the law by saying "The only morality in a cruel world in chance": That's why Bingo is the Lord's game.

As for Indy and the Skulls, this probably made Mike so mad, he decided to attack Star Wars: A New Hope just out of principle...and because Robot Chicken and Seth MacFarlane have done it. Anyway, the commentary was plenty of "Harrison Ford is old" jokes and Shia Labeouf barely being manly at all. Maybe they wish Nathan Fillion was Mutt Williams in this movie, and that would have been cool. If only Nathan was an annoying younger brother in a Disney Channel sitcom. That seems to be where tomorrow's stars come from.

So, some highlights...

Indy's first action sequence (sung to the tune of the movie's theme)

Here we go now, really slow
Nearly limping, cuz he's old, old, old, old old old old....

Cate Blanchett as Dr. Spalko: Emo Phillips! (or maybe Jar Jar Binks)

Indy trying to guide Mutt, his sidekick: Short Round took instructions better than you!

Marion shows up, argues with Indy and Mutt: And this once-proud franchise de-evolves into the Jerry Springer Show.

Shia in general : Shia Labeouf, action hero. It's like William Hung, Metropolitan Opera legend.

Finally, Kevin's rant to George Lucas: Now I set my bar of expectations low, he always manages to slip under it.

So, should you get these valuable commentaries about these and other movies?
Hell yes! They are even meaner towards other franchises, like the X-Men, Fantastic Four or Spider-Man. Quality won't protect these movies, not even Iron Man, which I also must see. Just click this Rifftrax link for more information. Remember, it's just like MST3K, only it's the home game and the movies are newer, if not adequate. I just wonder why they won't pummel The Island, even if was Parts: The Clonus Horror with a budget.

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