The Movie That Wouldn't Stop Riffing

 

In the distinguished history (yes, it is, if it included Mark Hamill and Neil Patrick Harris) of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a handful of movies have been riffed more than twice. They include Manos and two Santa movies.

The latest is The Brain That Wouldn't Die aka the Jan in the Pan story. For years, it was just known as the first movie Mike Nelson had to endure when he was drafted as the second test subject. In the past six months, though, it's been riffed twice. It was re-riffed by Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff from The Mads Are Back last May, then by Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl on Rifftrax a few weeks ago. 

Fans know the plot:  a surgeon named Bill Cortner thinks he's on the verge of complete transplantation, where a doc can replace any body part. He wants a world of Johnny Longtorsos. 
Bill gets in an accident where his fiance Jan gets decapitated. Thanks to his new neck juice, he keeps her head alive in a pan. Then, he scours the town looking for a new body for Jan. She doesn't like that idea, and winds up in connection with a monster locked in another room. It's known as Murray. They plot to stop the doc. 
Bill does find a woman who's perfect for his experiment, but the monster stops him and causes a fire somehow. It saves the woman while the doc and Jan die in the fire.
Then it ends with her laughing, and proof the producers should have at least remembered the name of the movie

                                                

What's interesting is that all three versions are different.
The MST version is the regular cut with some scenes taken out for time. For the record, it took out a couple of minutes of the evil doc running, and a scene where Jan in the Pan vows to stop him.
The Mads' version removes the strip joint scene, and moves a couple of scenes. Maybe they weren't in the mood to comment on Bill seducing someone into being a jigsaw puzzle. As Mike Nelson said when he saw this, "this is sick".
The Rifftrax version only removes Doris being ogled by a grimy paparazzi at her place. Maybe Bridget and Mary Jo thought the movie was icky enough.

Let's be honest:  this movie is a male fantasy. What man wouldn't dream of changing things about his girlfriend, and in this case going too far? I was expecting Bridget and Mary Jo to rip Bill a new one, and turn the movie into Jan in the Pan' revenge. Instead, they approached the movie the same way Mike, Kevin and Bill would. The gals still throw in some strange riffs in the movie, but should have predicted he'd think about building a secret girlfriend. 

Let's compare the riffs at key moments...

The accident where Jan loses her head and Bill is thrown from the car

MST:  We now join Barefoot in the Park already in process
Mads:  That's the actor's best roll
RT:  Stop, drop and roll is not for car accidents

We see Jan's head

MST:  They saved Sister Bertrille's brain
Mads:  Heads you lose
RT: Is It Cake?

Bill checks on the monster he made before Jan

MST:  Dylan Thomas' last moments on Earth
Mads:  Louis CK is in there and Frank saying Sounds like me after eating beets
RT:  Russell Johnson is Winnie the Pooh

Doris shows Bill the scar that ruined her life:  "I carry the memory of it permanently"

MST:  That's the last time I get into a car with Monty Clift, I'll tell you that
Mads:  What, the ear?
RT:  It's not even in a cool shape, like Harry Potter's

The monster escapes

MST:  Eww, Boo Radley
Mads:  It's the Creature of the Shit Lagoon
RT:  The swelling will go down and he'll be the Mickey Rourke we all know and love

Some of the riffs for all three versions wound up being similar, like one where Bill realizes he was driving too fast, the Knock Three Times joke when the monster was doing just that to communicate, and the fact Bill had no idea the monster was about to grab him.
Of course, the Mads and MST realized by the laughter at the end it's a comedy...a real dark one, to be sure.

The Rifftrax version still had some odd riffs. When Bill goes to a Body Beautiful contest, Bridget asks Mary Jo "Would you rather have a brain that wouldn't die or a body that won't quit?"
Strangely, Mary Jo prefers both. 
That's followed by a strange theory that comes just as Bill enters Doris' apartment. It's connected to the sax tune that's played through half the movie:  "What if every time you were going to sin this music came on? You'd never sin."
Sorry, Bridget, too many people would risk living their lives with an annoying soundtrack than avoid sinning. In Trump's case, it would be an off-key version of YMCA. 

There were also riffs on public schools, Grey's Anatomy, big cars, New Coke, Lebron James and Harvey Dent.

This is definitely a Rifftrax Essential, and you should get it now on the website. It also shows they should consider having Bridget and Mary Jo host a live show sometime. 

Holy Bat-Bikini! MST3K Mocks Mexican Cinema Again

 Before we get to Santo-rita or whoever she is, let's talk about her...
                                      

Yvonne Ingrid Freese is both MegaSynthia and GPC2 on the show, and she is serious, in this mood and what is happening to her now.

It's been revealed she has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after she had a serious headache recently. This means expensive treatments, and fans and friends have rallied to help her out. She was quite lively in the latest post-game show, but this will be a tough time for her

A GoFundMe account has been made to help out with bills and such, and the response has been astounding after nearly a week. Still, every little bit helps.
So, head to https://gofund.me/6f63df53 and contribute. She just arrived in the MST-Verse. She must be  with us for a long time!

OK, now the review...

Say, who is that masked girl?
Well, someone thought turning Bruce Wayne into a sexy socialite who fights crime and wrestles on the side would be a great idea....if no one notices.
After all, Jerry Warren got in trouble with his own Batwoman movie just a year before. First, she had a bat tattoo on top of her cleavage. The story was terrible, and it had a chunk of Mole People. 

Well, seeing a sexy but unauthorized masked heroine to offset the dozens of Santo movies per year is easier to take. However, the story and really talky scenes takes a lot out of it.
It's the latest edition of Mystery Science Theater 3000's 13th season, where Synthia is the substitute Mad while these two go on a road trip to the Bubonic Plague via the Time Bag. We could think of a better road, like accidentally ruining their pasts, but maybe that's coming soon.

While Max is in charge, it's Synthia who is the boss. She just discovered MegaSynthia has become an obnoxious teenager. Her Invention Exchange isn't that impressive.

Now, the movie...

                                          Batwoman thought this was going to be a casual autopsy.

Some wrestlers have been missing with their pineal glands being drained. After they rule out a bitter woman who loves booze more than her jerk of a scientist husband, an agent called Mario suggests asking the Batwoman to help. She's hard to describe with words, but showing her shooting a gun, modeling a mink and wrestling somehow helps. 

The bad guy is some crazy scientist named Williams, who wants to make gill men to rule the seas. He won't be one himself, like some other guy, but he'll do it.

And this is his boat. What does THIS make you do?

                                                            Cada pais tiene el monstruo

From here, it's basically talky scenes, some wrestling, some underwater footage, and the Batwoman running with sexy results. There's a decent fight scene or two, thanks to her stunt double.

                                               
                                                                       HI-KEE-BAT!

Then there are scenes Emily and her bots would rather not see...like a bunch of stinky men standing around.

Eventually, the evil doc decides to capture Batwoman to make her a mother of a mutant species. Of course, she'll need help from her agent pal Mario. Remember, this was made in Mexico in 1967. The last thing male movie fans need is seeing a strong and confident female version of Santo or Blue Demon. The movie makes sure that she still needs a man even if she is the main hero.
Hey, America was the same. Look what we did to Honey West and the Girl from UNCLE...but thankfully failed to do to Emma Peel. 

Eventually, she wins, by tricking one of the Gill Men to attack the doc. 

                                           You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar....

Still, the movie has to mock her at the end. This never happens to the Wrestling Women against the Aztec Mummy (yes, that's real).

The host segments nearly steal the show. First, Emily (who's not tied to anything) has to deal with Bot Scientists who want to mutate her. Maybe because they found out she's two percent bot.
Still, she's interested in being part Red Panda.

Then, some billionaire vigilantes (not Tony Stark) talk about how they should use their money

The best one was the Batwoman franchise scam, complete with fake Batwoman certificate and costume...

Who'd fall for that, and does this mean Mega's the new Max?

Speaking of which, how did Max do as the "boss"?
It's burning coffee shop time.

Don't worry. Kinga won't fire him and try to replace him with Emily. They'll just get to the next lousy movie. Still, doesn't mean it won't be considered (unwisely)...

Other riffs...

Batwoman tries to swim underwater with a propellor
This is Batwoman's side hustle, delivering whale tampons

A beach party with "dancing"
Is the one on the left Elaine (Benes)?

The doctor rants:  "There is an invisible line separating insanity and genius."
The Kanye line

and one more picture (with GPC2)...

                                              She's obviously never heard of Isadora Duncan

There's also riffs on Repo Man, Nintendo, the Ramones, Ford Fiesta, Roger Deakins and the Snorks.

The post-game show with the cast was just as entertaining, with Yvonne trying to deal with rain outside wherever she is. They compared this movie with the Santo one, and which was better. That's a bit unfair, because he has more movies than wrestling women do. They reveal there are a lot of musical jokes. They also get a bit vague about the rest of the season, but it will involve a dragon, some bubble, more GPC2 (maybe next month), and a reunion of some type? 
Does that mean they re-trapped Mike?

In the meantime, the super (?) hero movies continue in Synthia's Selects until the 31st, and may give way to spy movies in September. That'll mean the fake 007 brother, a Mighty Jack, and some type of dragon.

Rifftrax Live: Return of Swamp Thing, or Beauty and the Bush

 

Every once in a while in the olden days of MST3K, someone would say "Do not bring your evil here". That's a catch phrase from the TV version of DC's Swamp Thing. You know, a scientist who becomes one with the swamp because of a terrible lab accident.

Well, Rifftrax took on the sequel, Return of Swamp Thing. This movie didn't bring its evil, a script that made sense or even dignity.
Only Rifftrax would raise enough money to show this to 700 theaters this past August, and it's twice the amount the movie earned. 

The plot is that Swamp Thing battles his archrival, Dr. Arcane, who's played by former leading man (mon dieu!) Louis Jordan. This guy wants to live forever, even if he has to kill his ditzy stepdaughter Abby, played by Heather Locklear. She just wants answers to why her mom died (and if he did it), while he wants her blood for eternal life or something. Close family, this ain't.
There's a possibility 92 percent of the budget was paying for these two actors. The rest of the movie and its look suggest that.
One problem:  Arcane died in the first movie, but the sequel doesn't show how he was resurrected. At the very least, he should have been a suave zombie in a tux.

Anyway, the swamp is filled by bizarre creatures, along with the genetic freaks Arcane makes by splicing their genes and/or body parts. Yes, we mean the creatures are dumb hillbillies. 
The movie also throws in two kids who hope to avoid the monsters, and maybe take a picture of Swamp Thing for cash.

Sarah Douglas is Arcane's assistant, and clearly wishes she was back in the Phantom Zone since he's not really into her. Dope.
There's also a scene between two goons, Gunn and Poinsettia, where they compare wounds. This is strange because Lethal Weapon 3 has a similar scene, and I hope that didn't come from this movie. 

The main story, of course, is Abby falling for Swamp Thing because she's a vegetarian...and often talked to plants back in L-A. There is a tender (and fake) love scene between Swamp Thing and Abby, but their affection would freak out Man-Thing.

Of course, Arcane is defeated, but in an anti-climactic way. It involves killing another victim that wound up looking like an alien too weird to be in a sci-fi movie. As for Abby, she is at one with nature, just like her green and swampy hero. That's actually in the comics, too. 

Before that, the crew presented a really creepy short called Danny's Dental Date. It starts with puppet Danny hearing he's got a dental appointment. He runs away, then meets talking animals. They discuss the importance of healthy teeth. It's as creepy as it sounds.
Then it turns out it was all a dream. We get a look at dentistry from 60 years ago, when we used mercury in tooth fillings. Yikes! Where's Britt Baker, DMD when you need her?
Maybe this movie was to prepare fans for the really bad trauma that is the main feature. It also showed Kevin's phobia towards puppets he doesn't know. 

There was also a short tribute to Rifftrax's 16th anniversary that included some MST3K alumni, movie producers who are somehow not that upset their movies were reamed by Rifftrax, and Weird Al Yankovic (who is still the head of the National Pork Council). 

The riffs were pretty good, and really jabbed the movie. It even gave callbacks on Manos and The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. It did miss one opportunity: when Swamp Thing jammed a hand grenade into the pants of a henchman, I wondered why the gang didn't yell "DANTON" since it's a callback to Deadly Prey.

Then there were these:

Opening credits
Is this Stan Lee's yearbook?

Swamp Thing arrives
Zindy the Swamp Boy got all swole

A fat kid runs to his friends house to see dirty magazines...that also have nude women
Ned Beatty really disappeared into this role

Abby wants to mate with Swamp Thing because "I'm a vegetarian"
Do I have to spell it out? I'm gay

But love conquers way too much
This was the last time a woman mated with a plant until Pete Davison started dating Kim Kardashian.

There were also riffs on Gigi (of course), Little Shop of Horrors, Scrubbing Bubbles, the band 311, and the internet.

When this show is available to everyone around Thanksgiving, fans should get it quickly. This was one of the most brutal takedowns of any cheesy movie in years. In the meantime, the website has some great titles including Mary Jo and Bridget's version of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (I'll discuss this soon) and Split Second with Kim Cattrall in a climate change dystopia...in London!
Oh, and the stuff people got from the Kickstarter should come soon, and that includes MST3K, too.