The Six Eyes Enduring Sumaru

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is quite familiar with insane jerks out to take over the world, or at least our bank accounts (like the current version is doing).

Over the Labor Day weekend, Jonah and the bots endured Million Eyes of Sumaru. It's the first time the show repeated this number since 1988 in the KTMA days. That was brought up on the post-show, but more on that later. 
She was created by the same guy who invented Fu Manchu. While he wants the world even if he had to burn it down, she wants a world where women rule and men may or may not exist. We're not sure.

What's certain is that the show's winning streak in its 13th season is still intact, with another great set of riffs. It's just as good as Rifftrax revisiting some MST targets (like Brain That Wouldn't Die recently). 

Sumaru (supposedly) controls powerful men by having her slaves be their wives or mistresses, expecting them to practically own the men. One problem: a weird-looking President Boong isn't going along with this, and she decides to kill him. 

So who's going to challenge her? Sadly, it's a secret agent called .00000007 and his young sidekick who's only in the movie to con people into watching it. They're also known as George Nader and Frankie Avalon. 

It's basically the usual Eurotrash spy movie with the bad girls vowing to beat the good guys, terrible chase scenes, and an evil plan that never gets anywhere.

Sumaru captures Nader twice just to taunt him with her sure-fire "I will rule the world and make sure no one spray-paints me to death" plan. Nader's lousy quips that make dad jokes look like a John Mulaney set don't help. Mannequins generate more obscene thoughts than these two people. Then again, she wants sex without feeling and he's....able to deliver the "without feeling" part of it (look up his history on the Wiki). 
To be honest, this is her real goal

                                         
                                          

Oh, and Boong is played by Klaus Kinski, free of Werner Herzog's control....darn it.

At the Gizmoplex, Kabahl (Baron Vaughn) is trying to come up with more ways to boost the popularity of the show, like spinning off Waverly and Growler. Actually, not a bad idea, since Synthia's done that. It's also the first time he's actually touched Kinga and Max. So, he's not a hologram (maybe).
He's still a fake, because who'd believe MySpace would make a comeback?

As for the host segments, most were about the movie, especially this one where Jonah's more clueless than Nader. 

The episode ends with Kinga singing the praises of Sumaru, but also mentioning real bad girls like Cruella and Hela. Well, as long as she never sees The Girl From Rio...
Meanwhile, Jonah and Emily continue their mutiny plans in rhyme, and Joel is also on board. 

The post show was another winner with writers Felicia Day (finally), Tammy Golden, Devon Coleman and Tim Ryder. They revealed some more juicy tidbits. For one thing, there's not enough money in the world for Felicia to see Munchie again (or enough of something Loni Anderson has). Also, they cut the movies down to around an hour to establish 95 minutes including host segments. If you want the uncut version, it might be at Rifftrax depending on the movie. 
Oh, and the Kinga number actually had special effects. That was due to a space suit shortage. 
At least Devon described Sumaru perfectly: "if a middle school principal wrote Austin Powers."
Then again, Sumaru would be middle-school principal material. 
Oh, and they compared this movie to the KTMA version. It revealed how terrible the print was, how the riffs were improvised, how young Joel was, and how people were able to keep up with the time and temperature during the movie. 

OK, riff time, and in some spots we'll do all three versions:

Both MST and Rifftrax noted the slaves in waiting looked like auditions for Kill Bill

Sumaru celebrates killing people:  "May they rest in peace"

MST:  pieces
RT:  slowest slow clap ever.
88:  Jeannie C. Riley...The Harper Valley Death Squad

Sumaru's slaves kill a traitor who fell in love

MST:  Pentacostals don't baptize this aggressively
RT:  Baptize the Hell out of her

Avalon is at a restaurant while people dance.

MST:  Hey, I know Annette Funicello. Are you impressed?
RT:  Annette, stop doing the Twist and take the kill shot.

The scene where Avalon asks "I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing?"

MST:  He's riffing himself
88:  We'll make fun of the movie if you don't mind
RT:  For anyone under the age of 60, that was a meta joke

Sumaru whips Nader, because she doesn't feel loved and feared enough

MST:  If there are any kids watching, it's past all your bedtimes
RT:  Could I get the thigh strangling treatment instead?

And this picture, which is the movie in a nutshell (the girl on the wall is dead while Nader pretends to be straight AGAIN)...

There were also comments on Twiggy, Mulan, Build-a-Bear Workshop, Venture Brothers and GrubHub. 

The show's salute to spy movies will continue through September, including a tribute to Super Dragon on the 16th. It will end two weeks later with Shape of Things To Come, an alleged HG Wells adaptation. It includes some guy named Caball. 
No, not like that other Kabahl, but it may hint this thing might come to a head before Turkey Day.

Oh, and the show will have a Halloween contest, and entries can be sent to mst3k.com/halloween. 
For everything else, gizmoplex.com

The Movie That Wouldn't Stop Riffing

 

In the distinguished history (yes, it is, if it included Mark Hamill and Neil Patrick Harris) of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a handful of movies have been riffed more than twice. They include Manos and two Santa movies.

The latest is The Brain That Wouldn't Die aka the Jan in the Pan story. For years, it was just known as the first movie Mike Nelson had to endure when he was drafted as the second test subject. In the past six months, though, it's been riffed twice. It was re-riffed by Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff from The Mads Are Back last May, then by Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl on Rifftrax a few weeks ago. 

Fans know the plot:  a surgeon named Bill Cortner thinks he's on the verge of complete transplantation, where a doc can replace any body part. He wants a world of Johnny Longtorsos. 
Bill gets in an accident where his fiance Jan gets decapitated. Thanks to his new neck juice, he keeps her head alive in a pan. Then, he scours the town looking for a new body for Jan. She doesn't like that idea, and winds up in connection with a monster locked in another room. It's known as Murray. They plot to stop the doc. 
Bill does find a woman who's perfect for his experiment, but the monster stops him and causes a fire somehow. It saves the woman while the doc and Jan die in the fire.
Then it ends with her laughing, and proof the producers should have at least remembered the name of the movie

                                                

What's interesting is that all three versions are different.
The MST version is the regular cut with some scenes taken out for time. For the record, it took out a couple of minutes of the evil doc running, and a scene where Jan in the Pan vows to stop him.
The Mads' version removes the strip joint scene, and moves a couple of scenes. Maybe they weren't in the mood to comment on Bill seducing someone into being a jigsaw puzzle. As Mike Nelson said when he saw this, "this is sick".
The Rifftrax version only removes Doris being ogled by a grimy paparazzi at her place. Maybe Bridget and Mary Jo thought the movie was icky enough.

Let's be honest:  this movie is a male fantasy. What man wouldn't dream of changing things about his girlfriend, and in this case going too far? I was expecting Bridget and Mary Jo to rip Bill a new one, and turn the movie into Jan in the Pan' revenge. Instead, they approached the movie the same way Mike, Kevin and Bill would. The gals still throw in some strange riffs in the movie, but should have predicted he'd think about building a secret girlfriend. 

Let's compare the riffs at key moments...

The accident where Jan loses her head and Bill is thrown from the car

MST:  We now join Barefoot in the Park already in process
Mads:  That's the actor's best roll
RT:  Stop, drop and roll is not for car accidents

We see Jan's head

MST:  They saved Sister Bertrille's brain
Mads:  Heads you lose
RT: Is It Cake?

Bill checks on the monster he made before Jan

MST:  Dylan Thomas' last moments on Earth
Mads:  Louis CK is in there and Frank saying Sounds like me after eating beets
RT:  Russell Johnson is Winnie the Pooh

Doris shows Bill the scar that ruined her life:  "I carry the memory of it permanently"

MST:  That's the last time I get into a car with Monty Clift, I'll tell you that
Mads:  What, the ear?
RT:  It's not even in a cool shape, like Harry Potter's

The monster escapes

MST:  Eww, Boo Radley
Mads:  It's the Creature of the Shit Lagoon
RT:  The swelling will go down and he'll be the Mickey Rourke we all know and love

Some of the riffs for all three versions wound up being similar, like one where Bill realizes he was driving too fast, the Knock Three Times joke when the monster was doing just that to communicate, and the fact Bill had no idea the monster was about to grab him.
Of course, the Mads and MST realized by the laughter at the end it's a comedy...a real dark one, to be sure.

The Rifftrax version still had some odd riffs. When Bill goes to a Body Beautiful contest, Bridget asks Mary Jo "Would you rather have a brain that wouldn't die or a body that won't quit?"
Strangely, Mary Jo prefers both. 
That's followed by a strange theory that comes just as Bill enters Doris' apartment. It's connected to the sax tune that's played through half the movie:  "What if every time you were going to sin this music came on? You'd never sin."
Sorry, Bridget, too many people would risk living their lives with an annoying soundtrack than avoid sinning. In Trump's case, it would be an off-key version of YMCA. 

There were also riffs on public schools, Grey's Anatomy, big cars, New Coke, Lebron James and Harvey Dent.

This is definitely a Rifftrax Essential, and you should get it now on the website. It also shows they should consider having Bridget and Mary Jo host a live show sometime. 

Holy Bat-Bikini! MST3K Mocks Mexican Cinema Again

 Before we get to Santo-rita or whoever she is, let's talk about her...
                                      

Yvonne Ingrid Freese is both MegaSynthia and GPC2 on the show, and she is serious, in this mood and what is happening to her now.

It's been revealed she has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after she had a serious headache recently. This means expensive treatments, and fans and friends have rallied to help her out. She was quite lively in the latest post-game show, but this will be a tough time for her

A GoFundMe account has been made to help out with bills and such, and the response has been astounding after nearly a week. Still, every little bit helps.
So, head to https://gofund.me/6f63df53 and contribute. She just arrived in the MST-Verse. She must be  with us for a long time!

OK, now the review...

Say, who is that masked girl?
Well, someone thought turning Bruce Wayne into a sexy socialite who fights crime and wrestles on the side would be a great idea....if no one notices.
After all, Jerry Warren got in trouble with his own Batwoman movie just a year before. First, she had a bat tattoo on top of her cleavage. The story was terrible, and it had a chunk of Mole People. 

Well, seeing a sexy but unauthorized masked heroine to offset the dozens of Santo movies per year is easier to take. However, the story and really talky scenes takes a lot out of it.
It's the latest edition of Mystery Science Theater 3000's 13th season, where Synthia is the substitute Mad while these two go on a road trip to the Bubonic Plague via the Time Bag. We could think of a better road, like accidentally ruining their pasts, but maybe that's coming soon.

While Max is in charge, it's Synthia who is the boss. She just discovered MegaSynthia has become an obnoxious teenager. Her Invention Exchange isn't that impressive.

Now, the movie...

                                          Batwoman thought this was going to be a casual autopsy.

Some wrestlers have been missing with their pineal glands being drained. After they rule out a bitter woman who loves booze more than her jerk of a scientist husband, an agent called Mario suggests asking the Batwoman to help. She's hard to describe with words, but showing her shooting a gun, modeling a mink and wrestling somehow helps. 

The bad guy is some crazy scientist named Williams, who wants to make gill men to rule the seas. He won't be one himself, like some other guy, but he'll do it.

And this is his boat. What does THIS make you do?

                                                            Cada pais tiene el monstruo

From here, it's basically talky scenes, some wrestling, some underwater footage, and the Batwoman running with sexy results. There's a decent fight scene or two, thanks to her stunt double.

                                               
                                                                       HI-KEE-BAT!

Then there are scenes Emily and her bots would rather not see...like a bunch of stinky men standing around.

Eventually, the evil doc decides to capture Batwoman to make her a mother of a mutant species. Of course, she'll need help from her agent pal Mario. Remember, this was made in Mexico in 1967. The last thing male movie fans need is seeing a strong and confident female version of Santo or Blue Demon. The movie makes sure that she still needs a man even if she is the main hero.
Hey, America was the same. Look what we did to Honey West and the Girl from UNCLE...but thankfully failed to do to Emma Peel. 

Eventually, she wins, by tricking one of the Gill Men to attack the doc. 

                                           You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar....

Still, the movie has to mock her at the end. This never happens to the Wrestling Women against the Aztec Mummy (yes, that's real).

The host segments nearly steal the show. First, Emily (who's not tied to anything) has to deal with Bot Scientists who want to mutate her. Maybe because they found out she's two percent bot.
Still, she's interested in being part Red Panda.

Then, some billionaire vigilantes (not Tony Stark) talk about how they should use their money

The best one was the Batwoman franchise scam, complete with fake Batwoman certificate and costume...

Who'd fall for that, and does this mean Mega's the new Max?

Speaking of which, how did Max do as the "boss"?
It's burning coffee shop time.

Don't worry. Kinga won't fire him and try to replace him with Emily. They'll just get to the next lousy movie. Still, doesn't mean it won't be considered (unwisely)...

Other riffs...

Batwoman tries to swim underwater with a propellor
This is Batwoman's side hustle, delivering whale tampons

A beach party with "dancing"
Is the one on the left Elaine (Benes)?

The doctor rants:  "There is an invisible line separating insanity and genius."
The Kanye line

and one more picture (with GPC2)...

                                              She's obviously never heard of Isadora Duncan

There's also riffs on Repo Man, Nintendo, the Ramones, Ford Fiesta, Roger Deakins and the Snorks.

The post-game show with the cast was just as entertaining, with Yvonne trying to deal with rain outside wherever she is. They compared this movie with the Santo one, and which was better. That's a bit unfair, because he has more movies than wrestling women do. They reveal there are a lot of musical jokes. They also get a bit vague about the rest of the season, but it will involve a dragon, some bubble, more GPC2 (maybe next month), and a reunion of some type? 
Does that mean they re-trapped Mike?

In the meantime, the super (?) hero movies continue in Synthia's Selects until the 31st, and may give way to spy movies in September. That'll mean the fake 007 brother, a Mighty Jack, and some type of dragon.

Rifftrax Live: Return of Swamp Thing, or Beauty and the Bush

 

Every once in a while in the olden days of MST3K, someone would say "Do not bring your evil here". That's a catch phrase from the TV version of DC's Swamp Thing. You know, a scientist who becomes one with the swamp because of a terrible lab accident.

Well, Rifftrax took on the sequel, Return of Swamp Thing. This movie didn't bring its evil, a script that made sense or even dignity.
Only Rifftrax would raise enough money to show this to 700 theaters this past August, and it's twice the amount the movie earned. 

The plot is that Swamp Thing battles his archrival, Dr. Arcane, who's played by former leading man (mon dieu!) Louis Jordan. This guy wants to live forever, even if he has to kill his ditzy stepdaughter Abby, played by Heather Locklear. She just wants answers to why her mom died (and if he did it), while he wants her blood for eternal life or something. Close family, this ain't.
There's a possibility 92 percent of the budget was paying for these two actors. The rest of the movie and its look suggest that.
One problem:  Arcane died in the first movie, but the sequel doesn't show how he was resurrected. At the very least, he should have been a suave zombie in a tux.

Anyway, the swamp is filled by bizarre creatures, along with the genetic freaks Arcane makes by splicing their genes and/or body parts. Yes, we mean the creatures are dumb hillbillies. 
The movie also throws in two kids who hope to avoid the monsters, and maybe take a picture of Swamp Thing for cash.

Sarah Douglas is Arcane's assistant, and clearly wishes she was back in the Phantom Zone since he's not really into her. Dope.
There's also a scene between two goons, Gunn and Poinsettia, where they compare wounds. This is strange because Lethal Weapon 3 has a similar scene, and I hope that didn't come from this movie. 

The main story, of course, is Abby falling for Swamp Thing because she's a vegetarian...and often talked to plants back in L-A. There is a tender (and fake) love scene between Swamp Thing and Abby, but their affection would freak out Man-Thing.

Of course, Arcane is defeated, but in an anti-climactic way. It involves killing another victim that wound up looking like an alien too weird to be in a sci-fi movie. As for Abby, she is at one with nature, just like her green and swampy hero. That's actually in the comics, too. 

Before that, the crew presented a really creepy short called Danny's Dental Date. It starts with puppet Danny hearing he's got a dental appointment. He runs away, then meets talking animals. They discuss the importance of healthy teeth. It's as creepy as it sounds.
Then it turns out it was all a dream. We get a look at dentistry from 60 years ago, when we used mercury in tooth fillings. Yikes! Where's Britt Baker, DMD when you need her?
Maybe this movie was to prepare fans for the really bad trauma that is the main feature. It also showed Kevin's phobia towards puppets he doesn't know. 

There was also a short tribute to Rifftrax's 16th anniversary that included some MST3K alumni, movie producers who are somehow not that upset their movies were reamed by Rifftrax, and Weird Al Yankovic (who is still the head of the National Pork Council). 

The riffs were pretty good, and really jabbed the movie. It even gave callbacks on Manos and The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. It did miss one opportunity: when Swamp Thing jammed a hand grenade into the pants of a henchman, I wondered why the gang didn't yell "DANTON" since it's a callback to Deadly Prey.

Then there were these:

Opening credits
Is this Stan Lee's yearbook?

Swamp Thing arrives
Zindy the Swamp Boy got all swole

A fat kid runs to his friends house to see dirty magazines...that also have nude women
Ned Beatty really disappeared into this role

Abby wants to mate with Swamp Thing because "I'm a vegetarian"
Do I have to spell it out? I'm gay

But love conquers way too much
This was the last time a woman mated with a plant until Pete Davison started dating Kim Kardashian.

There were also riffs on Gigi (of course), Little Shop of Horrors, Scrubbing Bubbles, the band 311, and the internet.

When this show is available to everyone around Thanksgiving, fans should get it quickly. This was one of the most brutal takedowns of any cheesy movie in years. In the meantime, the website has some great titles including Mary Jo and Bridget's version of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (I'll discuss this soon) and Split Second with Kim Cattrall in a climate change dystopia...in London!
Oh, and the stuff people got from the Kickstarter should come soon, and that includes MST3K, too. 

Gamera's Back, But What's Pearl Planning? MST in July

 

Sorry this was a week late, but there were no watch parties at Comic-Con.
For the first time in 30 years, Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffs on a Gamera movie. However, Jonah and the bots see it uncut, and it's a bit tedious. Meanwhile, Pearl may be planning something. Forresters don't have family vacations without a motive.

First, though, the movie...
it takes place around the time of Expo 70 in Osaka. A strange statue found by an "American" in Wester Island will be part of the event. Some guy claims removing it will cause a curse. Actually, it wakes up a monster called Jiger. Gamera comes to the rescue, despite the adults being upset it'll wreck Japan. Jiger "infects it" with an egg or whatever. The Annoying Kids borrow a kiddie submarine to rescue Gamera, then we have the final battle where Gamera wins. 
It's the usual thing, only without sexy aliens who want to eat brains. 

                                      

At the Gizmoplex, Kinga's happy her Kingadome has become so successful, and even says she's done more in her family's tradition of "unpleasant entertainment" than anyone else. 
That's where Pearl suggests Kinga join her in a vacation in the Time Bag. Hostile takeover attempt, maybe?
Also, they may screw up time and erase the experiment from existence...or be forced to become Dr. Pearl and TV's Kinga.

Well, that's sometime in the not too distant future, but it's a chance for Max and the two Synthias to mind the store. That should make things interesting. Besides, maybe Emily winds up running the show.   

The host segments were pretty good, as they spoofed exposition events and how one of the kids was dubbed. 
Then Dr. Donna St. Phibes came back with results of the crew's physicals. The results were rather odd, especially Jonah apparently having robot parts inside him (because one of his family members is someone called Chuck E. Cheese). Maybe this is a ploy by the doc to be alone with Jonah, since at the end of season 12 she did fancy him a bit (it's OK, they're married in real life). 

                                        

Maybe it's a moot point. She feeds the "giant brain" from the 2018 Live Tour, but suddenly becomes its lunch. If she survived this, it may prove SHE has an interesting relative called TV's Frank, who's had his share of physical abuse.

It ends with a rousing Irish drinking song about Jiger. Actually, this episode has many interesting musical moments. The crew sings several inaccurate English translations of the Gamera song, but also sell a plaintive song where Gamera reflects on his life battling monsters for his kiddie friends. 

By the way, it's the original version because the credits weren't in English. It also started with a "best of Gamera" reel, but could that really be true? 
Also, the monsters didn't get anywhere near Expo 70 because the organizers drew the line at that.

Now, riff time...

Keisuke tells Hiroshi about the statue:  "Its purpose is a mystery"
Like the Cats movie

The statue is moved
That's one big Pez dispenser

Jiger wakes up
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

Then meets Gamera
How do I let you know if I'm a Triceratops or a Tricerabottom?

The fight they have is...rather repetitive
What's the feeling you get when you've seen a giant monster battle before? Kaiju Vu?

Gamera painfully tries to remove the arrows Juger shot at him  

Never kink shame Gamera

The kids try to remove whatever Jiger injected into him
This is the most stressful game of Operation ever

There's also riffs on Coors, the Buffy movie (happy 30th), MASH, Yo Gabba Gabba, one of Gamera's past friends....and Cornjob!

After big monsters dominated July, it looks like "super" "heroes" will take over August. The featured movie will be The Batwoman, a Mexican "adaptation" that might be too sexy for this show.

Meanwhile, Synthia's Selects will include Prince of Space, some Neptune men, a Ninja, and (this I SHOULD have seen coming) a more quaint Batwoman who battles a fake Mexican villain. 

The next tribute will look at Pumaman August fifth, and it may be a better print or (horrors) the uncut version.
Still, no Sampson against vampire women?

     I WILL KILL AGAAAAAAIINNNN!